We visited our local Halloween Spirit store tonight, where the strobe lights were a’goin and the overpriced disembodied latex heads were a’flowin. Picked up a few things worth writing about — but we’ll save those for another day.
In the same lot as Spirit was a Rite-Aid, and since pharmacies can be good places to find random seasonal crap, I demanded that our adventure continue.
Now, I’ve been hallo-hunting at this Rite-Aid for years, and I’ve always been certain this particular branch was the most depressing Rite-Aid in Rite-Aid history. I really can’t put my finger on it. It’s a little unorganized, but it isn’t exactly dirty. It’s a little stagnant, but it doesn’t exactly stink. There’s just something about this place that sucks the life out of me, and every time I’ve gone there, my splendid Halloween joy was immediately replaced with this really weird sadness. It doesn’t make for an interesting story to relay on the X-E Blog, but I’m happy to report that the streak is over!
This time, Rite Aid had VELVET TREATS!
Oh man. I sooo don’t have enough gusto to properly define my love and adoration for these wonderful Velvet Treats. Like the legendary Trading Card Treats, they’re another type of those rare “non-candy” items intended to be given out to trick-or-treaters.
We could have a long debate on whether or not costumed kids would enjoy these. I know I would’ve. I absolutely loved getting non-candy items in my treat sack. Money, stickers, worthless plastic doodads…they meant nothing on their own, but they just had this incredible ability to improve the worth of our overall haul.
On the other hand, I never received something called a “Velvet Treat” during my childhood trick-or-treatings. I can picture it now. I would’ve put on a big show, balked at the idea, and maybe even thrown the thing down to the pavement before inviting my masked compatriots to join in my stomps of protest. But I only would’ve done that to save face. On the inside, I’d be really pissed that I blew my chance to go home and color in a velvet Dracula.
No such missed opportunities tonight! Tonight I can color my velvet monsters without fear of sliding down the social ladder! I’ve already hit rockbottom! I wear black socks with sneakers! [more]
Ah, finally got a nice little batch of Spooky Die-O-Rama entries stockpiled. Some really good ones in there! As a reminder, you have until Saturday night to get your finished entries in. (Well, a picture of your finished entry. Or a link to a picture of your finished entry. You know what I’m saying.) It’s still anyone’s ball game, so why miss out on your chance to win this lovely item? Get with it. Find a shoebox. Thank you.
Gotta say, it’s been a pretty good Halloween season so far. And by this I mean, it hasn’t even felt Halloweeny yet, so I haven’t had a chance to make the usual mistake of blowing my spooky wad in September. I’ve been researching local and semi-local haunts for random weekend trips, and even if none of them come to fruition, it sure is fun trudging through ten-year-old Flash splash pages to read about all of the pumpkin patches, hayrides and haunted houses that I may or may not see. If nothing else, such sites make for wonderful depositories of shitty Halloween clipart from 1996.
In the end, the Halloween season is mainly enjoyed during the four weekends of October. That’s four chances to make the most of it. Do you have anything planned? Discuss in the comments.
I have to finish some real work before I can properly rededicate myself to fake work, so while I wrap things up, here’s a quickie about a disturbing and life-altering Halloween candy:
It’s the amazing Blood Bag, filled with “liquid cherry candy!” Yes! Over the past few years, I’ve been overjoyed to see blood bags evolve into a common sight during the Halloween season, but usually, they’re just for decorative purposes. Not this one! This is a blood bag with edible blood!
The production value is pretty high. The bag is large and made of quality plastic, complete with the requisite “novelty blood type” label. They spared no expense to make the candy inside really look like blood, too. The stuff is deep and viscous, arriving in just the right shade of burgundy to make you think twice before eating it. Pfft, like anyone could resist.
Snip the tip and suck it down, but be warned, this cherry blood stuff is STRONG. Envision the concentrated syrup used to create a cherry Slush Puppie — that’s exactly what this is. Concentrated cherry-flavored liquid sugar, and there’s enough to it to probably kill the poor soul who cannot resist the temptation to finish his or her blood bag in one sitting.
The Blood Bags aren’t new. A quick search of the site confirms that many of you were speaking highly of them last year. And actually, I’ve received at least 3 or 4 e-mails about ‘em this year. They’ve acquired a pretty serious following, all things considered, and it’s easy to see why. Wait, no it isn’t. I need something else to put after that comma. Something safe.
“They’ve acquired a pretty serious following, all things considered, and I’m happy to count myself among the Blood Bag’s many acolytes.” There, that works. Writing stuff is hard.
The uninitiated may be turned off by the 2.29 price tag, but they really shouldn’t be. Firstly, 2.29 is an awesome price. There is nothing else on this planet with a retail price of exactly 2.29. Secondly, this isn’t a one-off candy. There’s enough edible blood in the bag to last you for a few weeks, assuming that you aren’t some kind of pig addict who refuses to conserve.
Narrowly avoiding death for cluttering our apartment with a seven foot Jason Voorhees statue, I return to you while something much, much cuter: A Snoopy-O’-Lantern!
It appears as though licensing rights for Peanuts-related tomfoolery can be purchased for a buck fifty and a compliment, because there are a lot of junky companies making a lot of junky Peanuts stuff. Ten-page activity books, cheap window clings, you name it.
But in that sea of Snoopy shit, there are plenty of treasures — like this one. From East West Distributing, it’s the official “Light-Up Snoopy,” or in more descriptive terms, the official “Light-Up Pumpkin Shaped Like Snoopy’s Head.”
Innocuous and adorable, it’s easy to overlook the sheer insanity of this thirteen-dollar decoration. How a product that could only be described as a “light-up pumpkin shaped like Snoopy’s head” got off the drawing board, into pitch meetings and ultimately into mass production is probably worthy of a documentary in of itself, but for those of us who like to keep things simple: Yay, it’s a Snoopy-O’-Lantern!
I found this at Walgreens, where it was kept on one of the top shelves. You know the kind. They’re sort of within reach, but not exactly, so you really have to appreciate the item if you’re going to go through the trouble of doing the damned fool tippy-toe dance to get it down. Snoopy should be proud; I don’t make such concessions for just any pumpkin-shaped-like-somebody’s-head.
Once you plug Snoopy in, a small bulb on the inside beams light to the outside, enveloping the plastic head with a spooky and subtle glow. I love it. It’s so lo-fi. It’s a brand new item, but it feels like something that could’ve been sold 25-30 years ago, totally unchanged. No overblown gimmicks, no major theatrics — just a sweet little Halloween nite-lite that just happens to look like a pumpkin version of Snoopy’s disembodied head.
Ten bucks would’ve been a fairer price for what amounts to a hunk of low-grade plastic with a Christmas light inside, but in a world filled with so many awesome things to complain about, griping about paying three dollars too much for a light-up head just seems frivolous.
Oh, and if you can’t rally behind Snoopy, note that Walgreens was also selling Mickey Mouse versions of this, too. There may have been other Disney characters as well, but I had Snoopy tunnel vision and wasn’t paying attention to anything else. Besides, Disney characters get to enjoy relevance all year. Let the dog have his holiday seasons.
This past Friday, on a tip from a reader named Shawn, I drove to the nearest K-Mart on a simple mission: Find a box of Halloween Crunch cereal.
Well, obviously, I found it. That was my sole reason for venturing into the foreboding home of the ICEE, but since I was already there, I figured I’d check out K-Mart’s multi-aisle Halloween section. Mainly because I didn’t want to approach the register wheeling a shopping cart that had nothing but one box of Cap’n Crunch in it.
Disregarding the usual assortment of boring masks and candy mixes, I found a bunch of stuff that was definitely review-worthy. (And even more that wasn’t, but I still wanted it all.) I refused to let a simple trip to find Cap’n Crunch grow into an enormous shopping spree, so I attempted to be choosier than usual.
But then I saw this:
…and I came home 200 bucks poorer.
Yes folks, I did it. I really did it. I bought the life-sized motion activated audio-animatronic Jason Voorhees robot thing. I seriously did.
It was the only one K-Mart had, and it sat rather ominously at the back of an aisle, seemingly disconnected from the other spooky wares. It was my own Big/Zoltar moment.
I’ve seen this “decoration” before, but only online or in dedicated all-out Halloween stores. While it’s true that I’ve flirted with the idea of purchasing this in years past, I never once thought I’d actually go through with it. Something about seeing one lone audio-animatronic Jason Voorhees in the back of K-Mart changed all of that. I had to save him.
It wasn’t an easy decision, nor a fast one. At first, I was only going to snap a picture of the beast with my phone’s camera, thinking I’d just mention it on the site in passing. I continued shopping, looking for far less extravagant items…but my eyes kept darting back to that giant box. Finally, I found myself standing in front of it, entranced, cooly calculating the pros and cons.
And there were plenty of cons. Two hundred bucks for a Halloween decoration? Con. The idea that I’d have to find a place for a life-sized audio-animatronic Jason Voorhees to stand in our apartment for all of time? Con. The knowledge that I was in K-Mart alone, and was readying myself to wheel a shopping cart with THAT GIANT JASON BOX out of the sanctity of the Halloween aisles and into the “regular” part of the store? Con. Hell, I wasn’t even sure that I’d be able to fit this thing in my car.
But cons lose their punch when they’re up against a pro like this: If I did buy a life-sized motion activated audio-animatronic Jason Voorhees…then I’d own a life-sized motion activated audio-animatronic Jason Voorhees. Mustering the strength of Thor, I heaved the gigantic box up, placed it in the shopping cart as best I could, and pushed forward.
And now, here I am. With a new roommate.
I’ll give you a moment to soak him in.
My new Jason is, without a doubt, the greatest thing ever made. He’s absolutely unreal. He is art. The box only promised that Jason would be six feet tall, but in reality, he’s closer to seven feet. He’s tall enough to make me feel like I’m playing Grover Dill to his Scut Farkus. And check out those film-faithful details!
The tattered jacket!
The gloves!
The removable machete accessory!
AHHHHHHHHHH!
How is such majesty possible, you ask? Well, Jason’s pants hide the fact that his legs are mainly composed of springs. Before you pop him to maximum height, he’s actually a lot shorter. (Not that there’s much “assembly required” — you simply yank Jason up to his full height, screw on his head, and viola! You’re Dr. Frankenstein!)
I’m sitting here in complete and total disbelief that Jason is standing in my living room right now. I’m also sitting here in total fear, but not of Jason. My girlfriend has been out of town for a few days. She has absolutely no idea that I bought this, much less that I bought this and decided to camp it out in our living room. She gets home tomorrow. I may need one of you to let me move in.
Now, I admit that the clothes are a little on the cheap side. Jason’s pants and shirt are especially flimsy, and the gloves look more like casual Isotoners than something a legendary slasher would wear. And as for the jacket — the material is of good quality, but the assorted rips and tears (added for that “weathered look”) are so overblown and obvious, it’s like Jason was one of those kids in high school who used kitchen shears to put knee-holes in their Levis. But these minor grievances are all forgiven once you get to the most important part of the spread: Jason’s head.
I expected the mask to be permanently affixed to Jason’s skull, with only minor detailing to the visible parts of his skin. No sir. The mask is removable, and the head is AWESOME. As I’ve described before, the appearance of Jason’s head varied from film to film. I’d say that this one most closely resembles his look in Part IV, which has long been my favorite. Monstrous, but still with enough human qualities to be extra creepy. (On the other hand, the head could also be based on Jason’s appearance in the new F13 movie — but that’s so boring.)
Also: If I’m playing Grover to Jason’s Scut…YELLOW EYES! Everything is coming together so perfectly!
But wait! It gets better!
Two hundred bucks is a fair price for me to have a life-sized Jason statue standing in my living room, no doubt. But Jason doesn’t just stand there. He moves and grooves! He’s audio-animatronic! Plug him in, set the sensor and stand back!
Using a motion sensor, Jason will come alive and attack anyone stupid enough to walk too close, with some Alley Cat-esque stabbing motions. You won’t be able to notice it in the video, but his eyes actually move!
All the while, Jason’s “ch ch ch” theme plays, mixed with what’s either a victim’s screams or random “steel clang” horror noises.
Oh, the possibilities. Come October 1st, I’ll position Jason to look straight out our front window, where he’ll spend the month tormenting the little kids across the street. Perhaps he will spend November doing the same. In December, I’ll just add a Santa cap.
That’s the tricky thing about owning a life-sized motion activated audio-animatronic Jason Voorhees. It’s not like you can just put him away when you’re done. No, Jason is now a permanent fixture. He’s here to stay.
I am going to be in so much trouble when she gets home tomorrow.
Ah ha! Proof positive! Who could deny that the Halloween season is officially on when we now have the chance to eat it for breakfast? Mr. Crunch, you are a holy signal!
Cap’n Crunch’s “Halloween Crunch” is back! This tricky cereal has eluded me for several years, so while I can’t claim that it’s any different than the Halloween Crunch sold last year or even the year before that, I can claim that perfection had already been achieved and that there was no reason to frick with the formula.
The box is terrific and spooky, featuring Cap’n Crunch dressed as some kind of pirate/mummy hybrid who, through means we could never understand, has gained the power to shoot hadoukens. A benevolent mutant, Mummy Crunch uses this power not for assault, but rather to imbue dry bowls of cereal with warm and magical milk. His fingers have become obtuse udders, and you barely have a chance to process it before getting smacked in the head with the best block of on-box text in the history of words: “GHOSTS TURN MILK GREEN!”
You see, in Halloween Crunch, you not only receive the standard corn ‘n oat throatbusters, but a special assortment of reddish, ghost-shaped pieces with an action feature. When milk is added, these ghosts piss out a light green dye, which not only makes the ghosts look like melting Gremlins, but also tints your once-white cow juice a rich, creamy green. Appetizing? No. Halloweeny? Absolutely.
I was hoping for a stronger green, but even the subdued hue of the milk is enough to mark this cereal bowl as something special. The green is created by bits of dried, flavorless food dye hidden within the ghost pieces, so even if it looks disgusting, it still tastes normal enough. (At least, I’m assuming it does. I can’t eat cereal with milk. Green or not, milk in its pure form is my most storied enemy.)
While Cap’n Crunch would have us believe that his magic udder fingers have brought forth a new technology, he’s a big liar. This same exact effect was employed in 2005’s Holiday Cheetos, thereby confirming that the chief trait shared between Christmas and Halloween is that it’s on-target to make random foods turn green.
And wow, now that I think back — this isn’t even new for Cap’n Crunch! As far back as 2004, Cap’n Crunch was still peddling this color-changing cereal shtick. I’d tell him to get a new act, but as I just linked to proof that I’ve been writing about Cap’n Crunch for at least five years…pot kettle black.
The back of the box is jampacked with games and puzzles. There are six distinct activities on the boxback, including a word search, a crossword puzzle, “can you find” games and more. Between all of the stuff on the box and the added bonus of watching your milk slowly turn from stark white to radioactive green, Halloween Crunch has got to be one of the most visually stimulating breakfasts of all time.
Happy SNT. Any stupid horror movies on in the late hours? I think tonight’s thread needs a theme.
And don’t forget to work on your Die-O-Ramas today — there’s only a week left in the contest. Nag, nag, nag.
Quick note for those who are planning to participate in the Spooky Die-O-Rama Contest: Due to e-mail size restrictions, yes, you may e-mail a link to your photo if the attachment is too large. Also, I will reply to let you know that I’ve received your entry. If I haven’t replied to your e-mail within 12 hours, it means that I have not received your entry! Keep ‘em coming!
I’ve developed almost total blindness to the many street vendors near my office, but this one caught my eye. A guy with a table full of crappy “I Love NY” and Michael Jackson memorial t-shirts was also selling, for whatever reason, one lone Chucky t-shirt. I’m assuming it was a bootleg, or at least, I hope it was, as the idea that Child’s Play could inspire bootleg clothing at this late date really warms my soul.
I knew that I was toying with my destiny by not buying it, but I had no cash on me, and street vendors don’t take American Express. I could have hit an ATM, but in the frenzy of conflicting thoughts battering my head at the end of a long day, getting on an earlier bus won out over wasting precious minutes to buy a bootleg Chucky “Wanna Play?” t-shirt.
I make no excuses. It was the wrong decision, and I’ve been bent out of shape over it all night. Worst part is, I just know that if I went back tomorrow, the shirt salesman will be gone and some random peanut vendor will be in his place. Of all the missed opportunities that will keep me up at night for however long I have left, this lost Chucky shirt will forever sting hardest. Damn.
To quell the depression, I knew I had to write about something Chucky-related tonight. Something, anything. I wracked my brain. Chucky’s top ten kills? Top five quips? A rhyming ode to the turkey baster scene from Seed of Chucky? So many options, but none seemed quite right.
Then it hit me. Duh! The time Chucky appeared on WCW Monday Nitro! [more]
Saturday, September 26th, 2009
Ghosted by Matt @ 1:33 am [Permalink] [137 Comments]
