REPLIES: 76 comments
I knew you woudn't forget! I'm really not sure who Feito is.
Chestnuts roasted by Bludge @ 08/14/2006 11:49 PM EST
I hate to say first, so I will just say you just made the deadline by 10 minutes. I'm probably not first anyway.
Chestnuts roasted by Bob @ 08/14/2006 11:50 PM EST
Feito is actually Frank.
Chestnuts roasted by Matthew J @ 08/14/2006 11:54 PM EST
I meant "wouldn't," and I think Feito is an artist of ambiguous European descent who illustrated little blue creatures that wore white hats. He then had his thunder (and copyright) stolen by another artist of ambiguous European descent...
Chestnuts roasted by Bludge @ 08/14/2006 11:55 PM EST
(You know, it could be because I got out of work really late, but that alien paw fuzz looked like it was in such an inappropriate place.)
But I believe Feito graduated from the School of Visual Arts in 81, only to illustrate one of the most compelling pieces of literature of our time, ovbiously. That is all I can say about Feito.
HOWEVER. If you rearrange the letters of Virginia Holt you get "A Thriving Oil", which is what runs through Feito's veins. Think about it.
Chestnuts roasted by Denise @ 08/14/2006 11:55 PM EST
Feito is one of the Jackson Five, no?
Chestnuts roasted by gramsci @ 08/14/2006 11:59 PM EST
Matt, that’s awesome! I love it when you do little comics with action figures who say “fuck” a lot.
Feito is a man who likes to draw big fuzzy pink things that hide in bushes and whom you can see, touch, and smell. I need a shower.
Chestnuts roasted by Darth Poop @ 08/15/2006 12:02 AM EST
mission: failed
Chestnuts roasted by jrh @ 08/15/2006 12:04 AM EST
From the Universal Hankbook:
Throughout the long history of the universe many alien races have existed. One of the earliest recorded alien races was the Clotherians. They were known as explorerers but also for their rare and unusual abilities and biological make-up. The Clotherians were best known for the various travel guidebooks that they created to help other species around the universe. It is also rumored that that can control the weather on certain planets depending on their atmospheric conditions. It is also speculated that many Clotherians may have had an historical impact on the various planets they visited over time and helped the natives of that planet create items that, while insignificant at their creation, become extremely important later in that planet's history. It is beleived that the Clotherians were hunted to extention because their over-sized eyes contained the same chemical components of a rare mineral seen as valuable on many planets. Some believe, however, that there may be many Clotherians left throughout the universe, leftover from their expeditions. It is speculated that many have adapted to life on their new planet and possibly some may be unaware of who they once were due to events beyond their control.
Chestnuts roasted by Shuanfu @ 08/15/2006 12:10 AM EST
Feito is the gem of the ocean.
Chestnuts roasted by Mystie @ 08/15/2006 12:10 AM EST
Feito is a chain smoking poker player.
Chestnuts roasted by Ranger Joe @ 08/15/2006 12:13 AM EST
Feito is the number one touring group of Germany from '89-'90. Spanning TWO decades. And no worries Matt, you still had a half an hour if you go by central time.
Chestnuts roasted by Ed (via PSP) @ 08/15/2006 12:35 AM EST
Feito is a computer from the future that traveled back in time to draw stories of the past.
Chestnuts roasted by Cameron T. @ 08/15/2006 12:35 AM EST
Hmmm....Where to start...
Feito was a plain, ordinbary pasta dish that was turned away by Jabba The Hutt, and was cast away to the Hippy Colony on the planet Cannabas Foretwentee. There, the pasta was brought to life by the magical Crayon Fairy that had been kicked out of his home because he told his father that he wanted to become a Wood Nymph and seeked revenge by accidentally stumbling upon the pasta and ate it for himself.
Upon finding out that this pasta was not the Bowtie Pasta that he loved, rather that it was an assorted mix of various non-Bowtie Pastas, the dish appeared back on the colony ground no less than 6 hours later.
And soon the pasta dish had gained superfulous powers by the Crayon Factory during their journey, and they mutated and formed into a giant humanoid creature that had several different skin colors and gained the ability to change the color of anything it touched.
So the Pastafarian, as its religion stated it to be, entered and won the 908th Tie-off Competition on Earth-1. Due to a typo on the registration sheet, the Pasta Creature had to think up of a new name to cal itself, so it named itself after the very competition it won, but it had no brain pasta in it, and therefore no reading comprehension, so it called itself Feiton.
Using the the prize money and stack of oversize white cardboard paper it won in the competition, Feiton decided to create a tell-all storybook of the one creature that refused to eat him: Jabba The Hutt, along with a writer, A Thriving Oil.
And that's how Oktoberfest started...Wait, what was this survey about again?
Chestnuts roasted by Invader Norbert @ 08/15/2006 12:37 AM EST
Feito is a prior love interest of Frank's. However, Feito was married to a man named Zapow, the famous publisher. Zapow got his woman a gig illustrating the upcoming best-seller "Shiny as a Droid" by Virginia Holt.
Coming home late from the office, Zapow finds his wife in bed with his oldest friend Frank. After clobbering his skull into the wall serveral dozen times, Zapow threw Frank's body into his own car, accelerating it into a brick wall. Zapow left Frank there, went home and reconsiled/blackmailed Feito into never speaking of the night again.
When Frank came to, Zapow was walking out to his car, heading to work and noticed him staggering around. Seeing that Frank had amnesia, he took a few days off just to fuck with him, in his master scheme to have the entire neighborhood think Frank was the ultimate douchebag!!!
Wow, that ended up being really long...
Chestnuts roasted by ColonelCatsup @ 08/15/2006 12:40 AM EST
the sweet thing about living more west is Matt made his deadline with plenty of time to spare is is only 10:40 here.
As for Feito I like Bludges' theory
or he/she could be a shark that went into space and got bombarded by gamma rays gaining telepathetic mind drawing powers.
Chestnuts roasted by mrjayberry @ 08/15/2006 12:42 AM EST
Two things...
This raises the question of which time zone are we using to determine the 'deadline'. Should we say EST, as the ntworks go by? or is the earliest time zone in the US ok? And then do we mean continental or not?
Also, InvaderNorbert, were you referrencing the very excellent Kingdom of Loathing in your last post?
Chestnuts roasted by GadgetMouse @ 08/15/2006 12:47 AM EST
I want to know how to pronounce Feito. I know there's people here who have English majors, which probably includes some classes on linguistics. So is it "Fight-o", "Feet-o," or "Fate-o?"
I sure hope it's "Fight-o." It sounds like a He-Man character name.
Chestnuts roasted by spaz307 @ 08/15/2006 12:51 AM EST
Pretty sure it's pronounced "Fay-toe"
It's of Spanish/Latin origin.
Chestnuts roasted by ColonelCatsup @ 08/15/2006 12:52 AM EST
GadgetMouse:
1) Nope. I've never played it in my life. This was just stuff I thought was compelling and may be true.
2) I stand by my story, typos and all.
Chestnuts roasted by InvaderNorbert @ 08/15/2006 01:01 AM EST
Gadget Mouse:
I'm pretty sure we're going by Matt's timezone, which is EST. It's around 1:15 here. 
Chestnuts roasted by Denise @ 08/15/2006 01:13 AM EST
Matt,
I'm surprised that you would stoop to doing such an obvious ripoff of a classic film and not expect us to notice.
This is clearly "Fight Club": X-E style. Much like Tyler Durden, Zapow doesn't really exist. I'm puzzled, though, as to which character is the female lead - Elephantony does have the cute showgirl outfit, but the obvious joke would be to have him as Meat Loaf...
Either way, Feito is Frank and Frank is Feito.
Chestnuts roasted by seawoolf @ 08/15/2006 01:52 AM EST
Feito is King Kong's fetish
Chestnuts roasted by WonKa @ 08/15/2006 01:56 AM EST
Feito is the child in all of us. The rest of you eat children too, right?
(On an un-Feito related sidebar...Matt, have you seen Blackballed yet? There's a very funny opening scene involving a certain beloved action figure line that you should check out).
PS...Isn't the green dude supposed to have some kind of crazy vest?
Chestnuts roasted by Hellpop! @ 08/15/2006 02:31 AM EST
A Quote from the archetypical Old Man at the Church/Tavern/Sanctuary/Place in an RPG:
"Feito" (not his real name) was a pangalactic pervert with the sentence of life imprisonment on several systems. Eventually, he met with an equally twisted accomplice by the name of "Virginia Holt" (not her real name), and together they published a children's book that "allows all the children of the galaxy to touch, taste, and semll the very same things that [they] love to touch, taste, and smell." They mostly just use it as a lure for children who are wandering about the hidden spaces of the galaxy in their space-bikes late at night when such children should really be in bed.
Litttle is known about what happened to Virginia, but Feito was reported as "Missing in Action" after a horrific car accident from which no body was recovered. Rumors circulate that he is still out and about, and goes by the name of Frank. Some say he no longer remembers his past as a twisted pervert.
Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 08/15/2006 02:35 AM EST
Feito is my next door neighbour. His dog barks too loudly and there is a car up on bricks in his front yard. I only ever see him when he goes to the liqour store or when he's blasting empty bottles with a .44 out back.
Chestnuts roasted by Scott @ 08/15/2006 03:23 AM EST
Feito was Frank/Virginia's pet snotball...which he used to illustrate the book by dipping it in random paint cans. "Pet snotball" you say? Yes...and it was sentient...for it was...
DUM DUM DUM!!!
MARE WINNINGHAM reincarnated!!!!
Chestnuts roasted by bad karma @ 08/15/2006 03:36 AM EST
Feito lived a wholesome life drawing rolling hills,
When one day Virginia Holt crept up and stole his pills,
Feito knew nothing of this and skipped off to drive far,
But his pills had not kicked in yet so he promptly crashed his car,
His eyes turned to a shade of gold, his skin scabby and green,
The plastic surgeon, horrified, said "that's the ugliest thing I've seen!"
And with that the ambulance threw him out to the cows,
Whereupon Feito was found by a farmer named Zapow.
Zapow was a nasty sort who'd never lived his dream,
He'd always fancied Virginia and now his chance was seen,
"If I make Feito look a prick" Zapow thought aloud,
"Virginia is sure to think I'm good enough for her now"
And so Zapow wove a life of lies and stupid tales,
That Feito never questioned as his brain had failed
That’s where we join the story in the trusty hands of Matt
That’s why Zapow is an asshole and Feito's just a twat
Chestnuts roasted by ToeKnee @ 08/15/2006 04:49 AM EST
In Spanish Feo is ugly and Feito means "(diminutive)ugly one", since Frank is small and is as ugly as sin he might just be Feito. Then again Zodak dude probably knows spanish and was making fun of Frank. However if Frank did write Shiny as a Droid then he should get his big fat check from Lucasfilms for writing what was basically the book from which the whole prequels drew their inspiration.
eltioflepe@yahoo.com
Chestnuts roasted by Pitaforo Chipocludo @ 08/15/2006 06:25 AM EST
What a cool entry but unfortunately, I don't have time to flesh out an answer since it is 6:33 and I have to finish this quiz.
I will say that I had that action figure a LONG time ago. Isn't he from Battlestar Galatica? I have no idea.
Chestnuts roasted by The Manimal @ 08/15/2006 06:34 AM EST
Who the FUCK is Feito, and Who the fuck does he think he is going by a single name? Does he really think he can elevate himself to the level as suc other second tier one name icons? Yanni, Zamfir(pan flute dude)and Meatloaf?
This would be a sweet ass story , keep it up i wanna hear more!
Chestnuts roasted by mandy_Reeves @ 08/15/2006 06:38 AM EST
Feito is the shattered remains of his former successful past. He was a business owner on the planet Galacton which specialized in boggles, eyeware for the bug-eyed citizens of the planet. Until one day when a former employee of his by the name of Krapauhn (who understandably lived a tough life because of his name) carried out his plan to get sweet revenge for what he saw as an unjust firing when in actuality Krapauhn costed the business many customers due to his inability to sell even a fat, delicious, woozle to a starving gangliodite.
Krapauhn's plan was to erase Feito's memory with a macer, a memory eraser, and ultimately convince Feito that Krapauhn was the new legal owner of the boggle business. So on that fateful day, Krapauhn would wait for Feito to leave for the day and on his way out to the hover-rover, Krapauhn would take aim and fire the macer instantly leaving Feito absent of any unwanted memory and also with a new memory. See, this macer scans the brain for memories and the user can selectively remove the memories of the victim and can be stored and added back at any given moment and it also download memories to be implanted. This particular memory Krapauhn was going to implant kept most of Feito's memories but added a new business transaction with Krapauhn and all that was needed was Feito's signature to complete the deal. Feito would already be conditioned to believe the money has been paid so it would be all golden for Krapauhn other than the signature.
So when it was time for Feito to leave for the day, Krapauhn was in close proximity to Feito's hover-rover and waiting for the proverbial fly to be trapped. When the time came, Krapauhn aimed and fired. Feito looked around with a blank stare and Krapauhn went up to him to observe the consequences. To his disappointment, Feito seemed to remember nothing. Krapauhn checked out his macer and done a data check on it. Apparently his macer running on Windows 3000 service pack 42 got a stop error, then a blue screen of death, so he rebooted and ran a virus check to find out it was infected by the m4c3r3r4c3r.15 virus.
And Krapauhn, in need of hiding the digital fingerprint that was left behind in Feito's brain which could be traced back to his own macer, created a faked car accident and stuck Feito in the front seat to make it seem as though his amnesia was caused by the accident. That is until a ragrag group of superheroes found him and took him into their own care to mock him and make him their slave. Is there any way out of this for Feito? What's to become of his business? Find out in the next installment of What's Your Story! And next on Zarkodon, we take a deep psychological analysis of the infamous Jedi and the women behind them who think a few trips in the x-wing to the local planetary system for pickles and ice cream during their time of maternity should not be argued about.
Chestnuts roasted by Tony @ 08/15/2006 07:23 AM EST
Clearly, Feito is HOLY SHIT IF YOU STARE AT THE WOODGRAIN BACKGROUND TO THE BLOG THE KNOTS LOOK LIKE FACES.
Sorry, I've had a few beers.
Chestnuts roasted by Daniel85 @ 08/15/2006 07:35 AM EST
"Googlism for: Feito
Sorry, Google doesn't know enough about Feito yet."
My God. Feito is the Unknowable. If googlism.com doesn't have the answer, the answer does not exist. He must spend all his time hanging out with the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, and the conclusion to Cobra's Chia Plot. Mysterious!
I mean, sure, Googlism doesn't know anything about Jedoc either, but we've always known that I am a paragon of inscrutibility. By contrast, a simple search will reveal that Manimal is trying to further sabotage his wheel, Ryane is a stalwart susan, and Mystie is the only one who can use the spirits of myst properly. Go on, look into your souls. Claim it isn't true.
Chestnuts roasted by Jedoc @ 08/15/2006 08:34 AM EST
That's some interesting onomotepoetic whistling at the end there.
Chestnuts roasted by Fireball @ 08/15/2006 08:36 AM EST
Feito is the guy who got tossed off my train last night for playing with himself.
Chestnuts roasted by LemurCat @ 08/15/2006 09:16 AM EST
I think we can all agree that Vigina Holt is not a human, or probably even from Earth. In that case he's probably an Alien. As we all know all aliens live in total and complete fear all the time of the planet muncher (not to be confused with rug muncher) Unicron.
In Virginia's attempted escape of Unicron, he.....she......Virginia came across a curious subspace transmition shown in much the same way as a comic strip/telivision show, detailing the plans of Cobra as executed by Storm Shadow and Viper. They were rushing through the growing of a certain animal shaped shrubbary expirement. Virgina knew that this was the only way to stop Unicron, and Virgina also knew there was a Santa Clause.
To prepare the earth for Virgina's landing, Virgina penned a book detailing the normalities of creatures from another planet. Of course those most receptive to this information are the children. Virgina would have to plant the seeds, then wait...but what?! Cruel fate! The children of earth don't use snufuloids as their primary sensors. This was a severe problem since Virgina only had talent in creating suffolisions. Virgina would need an acomplice to create these 'illistrations' the slimy worm babies of Earth cared for so much.
The selection process was gruling, taking a whole 4 minuites. Virgina Chose Feito, a young muscular, bronzed man from the south of Italy. Unfortunatly Feito had no artistic talent either, but romanced Virgina long enough to hire Garfield's creator, Jim Davis, to illistrate the book, for pennies on the doller he saved by settling on his back taxes. Shortly after being guaranteed credit for the illistrations, Feito broke up with Virgina, and now resides with Nathan Bitner in a small crappy apartment, renting hookers to tell his life story to.
On his way to the publishing party, a distraught Virgina was unable to see where he....she.....ummm....Virginia couldn't see where.....it was going, and crashed into the WTC's (both towers) prompting an immediat government coverup so quickly done, that the planes actually arrived before Virgina(you've seen the videos of the 'missle' that hit the second tower...) unfortunatly one confused consiritor crashed into the wrong building. The impact caused memory loss in Virgina, who had somehow landed within yards of our hero Matt, and has been a pawn of Zapow, and his insidious devices ever since.
Little does Matt know, there was once a spaceship, real live working one, that looks just like a Garbage Pail Kids Movie on VHS in his own home.
Chestnuts roasted by random bob @ 08/15/2006 09:22 AM EST
Feito is the crazy alter ego of Mossman. When he gets to drinking he likes to draw pictures of famous movie robots covered with pieces of fur or scented patches. He goes by the name Feito so he doesn't get made fun of more than usual.
Chestnuts roasted by Deuce @ 08/15/2006 09:32 AM EST
please ignore any spelling errors and/or time line problems occuring around the publishing time and real world events listed. just pretend he was really really late.
Chestnuts roasted by random bob @ 08/15/2006 09:48 AM EST
Feito is the original plan man who began the construction of the Panama Canal, responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of workers from industrial accidents and yellow fever before the project was taken over by a French entrepeneur. Feito's whereabouts after the admirable but disasterous effort are lost to history...until now?
Chestnuts roasted by squee4242 @ 08/15/2006 10:28 AM EST
I can't believe they managed to make C3-PO look even more queer. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Chestnuts roasted by klatubaradanikto @ 08/15/2006 10:31 AM EST
It is I, the Feito that you seek. Friend tell me, "Feito, they look for you," and I go on internet and find sight. Since I was small Feito I dream of being on the X-Entertainment. My career now complete. No topping this excellent honor no sir. I join ranks of the great one Bitner with my art on display for American to enjoy. It true. Shiny Like Droid no Photog, but me think it still good. Sequel, Smells Like Ass, not do as good. Maybe now sales spike and Feito return to glory. Me go now to work on new book, "Hard Like Feito Reading About Feito On X-E". Same hands-on experience. Different drawings of Feito with no pants.
Me thank you.
Feito
Chestnuts roasted by Feito @ 08/15/2006 11:01 AM EST
There ya go, Feito is a sexual deviant that likes to talk about himself in the 3rd person... I however did think that "Smells Like Ass", was a much more enjoyable read then "Shiny like a Droid".
Chestnuts roasted by Bizzar @ 08/15/2006 11:16 AM EST
Jedoc, you did not just go there....oh yes you did!!!
He must spend all his time hanging out with the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, and the conclusion to Cobra's Chia Plot.
LMAO!!!
Chestnuts roasted by bad karma @ 08/15/2006 11:25 AM EST
Feito is SO bitner.
Chestnuts roasted by Denise @ 08/15/2006 11:31 AM EST
On the planet Davahara, Feitogaranicovis Havanisuzula was Sorcerer Emeritus of the Davaharian government and a prominent planetary figure. Then, when the government was overthrown, the new government scattered the old government on several different planets and forbade them to return. Feitogaranicovis was sent to Earth, which he did not take too kindly to.
He vowed to return to his planet with a new army to take back the government, but he would need to create his own. He decided to use his sorcery skills, as well as his oft-neglected talent of illustration, to draw warriors, bring them to life, teach and train them. He had nowhere to carry out his plan, however, and no means of attaining one, so he found himself a job as an illustrator (publishers promptly shortened his name to "Feito"
so he could create his warriors during the day and also attain some money to help finance his efforts. Things did not go as planned, however...
The transformation of illustration to living being takes time and intense concentration on a sorcerer's part, something nearly impossible to find in a business setting. After many failed attempts, one day he was able to do it. He created life. No sooner had he done it, than a head poked in the door and started talking to him. Feito got rid of the person as fast as he could, but when he turned around, his new creation was gone. He had managed to sneak out of the room without being noticed. Feito searched frantically, but never found him.
Meanwhile, "Frank" was roaming the streets of the city. He eventually found a car left running (while someone ran inside "for just a minute" and took it, believing that vehicular transportation was essential to surviving on the planet. Of course, he didn't know how to drive, so he promptly crashed the car. Zapow saw him and pulled him out of the wreckage. Always the opportunist, he decided to turn Frank into his own pawn.
Meanwhile, Feito still searches for his long lost creation. Hoping that one day he'll be able to find him and say,
"FRANK, I AM YOUR FATHER!!!"
Chestnuts roasted by Lori @ 08/15/2006 11:31 AM EST
Feito is Krang's pen name. Everyone knows Krang took an art class at night school.
Chestnuts roasted by bren @ 08/15/2006 11:43 AM EST
To be more in depth than my last post, Feito is a man who not only likes to draw big fuzzy pink things that hide in bushes and whom you can see, touch, and smell, but he also fought in the clone wars. How do I know this? I was once a Jedi knight, the same as Feito. One day, I betrayed and murdered Frito. I then helped the empire track down, and kill all of the Jedi knights. To be more specific, I AM FEITO!
Chestnuts roasted by Darth Poop @ 08/15/2006 11:59 AM EST
hot-damn i love these lil' pic-actionfigure-comic things, thank you matt!
on another topic, have any of you cats seen 'zombie honeymoon'??
thoroughly enjoyable zombie-love story!!
if you dig zombies and have a soft spot for pseudo-romantic movies i suggest checking it out, and if you dont, default straight to kiss kiss bang bang, such a good movie.
Chestnuts roasted by JoshC @ 08/15/2006 12:33 PM EST
Feito is a Fornit.
He likes oreos and cream cheese.
He has the most powerful supply of dust known to Fornit-kind.
He also likes Kim Possible hentai.
Feito is very popular with the ladies.
Every weekend, he goes to the clubs to get his groove boosted.
Look at him on the floor putting his weight on it.
Go at it, Feito, go at it!
They all agree, Feito is the hellawack shiznit.
Look, Feito is getting into his limo with Smurfette.
Looks like Hefty has to go home with Vanity. (again)
Ha-ha, Feito is the Mack Daddy.
We all want to be like Feito when we grow up.
Even the girls.
Good bye Feito, good bye!
Don't do anything I wouldn't do!
Good bye!
And, the book was supposed to be called "Shiny-assed Droid", but due to the second most greivous printing error in history, it's known by another name.
Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 08/15/2006 12:56 PM EST
Feito was of the species Ovion, an insect-like race of carnivores that were native to the planet Carillon. During a galactic war between humans and cybernetic automatons, they were almost completely destroyed. A small group of survivors slowly made their way across the galaxy in an intergalactic transport that looked remarkably like a 1957 Chevy Bel-Air convertible. During the course of their travels, one Ovion was ejected due to bogarting the last of a precious herbal compound that, upon ingestion, assisted them in dealing with the trauma of getting their collective asses kicked. (Footnote: an Ovion's funky vest was made from the fibrous matter of this oranic compound). Another was unfortunately killed when he decided to car surf while traveling through the C-Beams of the Tannhauser gate, a few lightyears south of the shoulder of Orion. Yet another Ovion became deceased after they picked up what seemed to be an attractive hitchhiker which shared many similar insect-like traits to the Ovion species and was soon consumed by this insectoid whore. The Ovions had been away from their kind so long that this unfortunate Ovion did not remember that oral sex amongst his species always led to being eaten, quite literally. On approach to a solar system consisting of nine planets, he turned on his quantum communicator to detect life-forms. There were many messages floating through space. Unfortunately, many were scrambled and appeared to be naked humanoid forms with a breast, ass or penis occassionally visible through the scrambled image. As he continued to scour different channels, he came across a visual historical record chronicling the intense battle between a group of humanoids and automatons against a tall, black and metallic humanoid with subservient white-armored slaves that could not shoot straight. After watching this visual record, this Ovion went to sleep and had troubled dreams involving the human-shaped and bucket-like automatons. When he awakened, he drew these nightmarish images on napkins that were stuffed in his intergalactic glove compartment. He soon realized that he had been driving without paying attention to the galaxy and promptly ran into a planet. Due to the fact that his galactic cruising vessel looked like a cruising vessel driven by the indigenous life of that planet, suspicions were not raised that it was of extra-terrestrial origin. A human female by the name of Virginia Holt happened upon the crash and found the Ovion drawings. She promptly took them with the plan of incorporating them into a children's book that she had written. Her publisher had publicly humiliated her by stating that she "couldn't even draw flies if she was made of cowshit". She saw this has her ticket to success. She did not realize, however, that Feito had signed his drawings while practicing his humanoid-style writing. When this was addressed by her publisher, she lied. Ms. Holt told him that he was a Spanish artist friend of hers that had unjustly died at the hands of a 3-legged goat and that she wanted to pay tribute to him by publishing this book.
Later, Feito awakened and found himself being scrutinized by a large, helmet-wearing humanoid. "Hello, I'm God", announced this human.
"Where am I?", asked Feito the Ovion. "More imporantly, who am I?"
"Hmm, sit back, my smelly insectoid friend. Let me catch you up on your life so far........"
Chestnuts roasted by freudguy @ 08/15/2006 01:26 PM EST
I am Feito.
Mystery solved.
Chestnuts roasted by jazzy @ 08/15/2006 01:38 PM EST
So on a slightly more serious note, it turns out that "feito" is a Portuguese word. According to an online dictionary, it may be translated variously as "shaped, made, stereotyped, vicarious, done, deed, feat, accomplishment, activity." I'm not entirely sure how this ties in with the mystery, but at least we've learned that the poor old Portuguese have to get a lot of mileage out of their vocabulary words. Perhaps they've only got a couple dozen available to them. The rest were probably stolen by the French or the Spanish, or any of the other nations who make a living abusing the Portuguese from the Imperial Romans on up.
So here's what we know:
1. Feito may be a word rather than a name. The possible meaning of "vicarious" is especially interesting in this context. Perhaps it denotes an illustrator who wanted a fat paycheck from Lucas but didn't want his good name connected with "Shiny-assed Droid."
2. Whoever Feito may be, he or she has never seen C-3PO, judging by the illustration on the cover. At best, C-3PO has been described to them second-hand, perhaps by a mentally challenged child or Larry King.
3. Feito will not stop until we are all dead.
Chestnuts roasted by Jedoc @ 08/15/2006 01:48 PM EST
It is truly wow, how much some have been able to write about the mystery behind Feito. To be honest I only read the shorter ones.
Now, I believe Feito is the short guy from Fantasy Island. He is using a pen name for his illustration work because he likes to keep it on the down low.
Chestnuts roasted by kb @ 08/15/2006 02:17 PM EST
During a galactic war between humans and cybernetic automatons, the Ovion of the planet Carillon were almost completely destroyed. A small group of survivors slowly made their way across the galaxy in an intergalactic transport that looked remarkably like a 1957 Chevy Bel-Air convertible.
On the course of their travels, 3 of the 4 Ovions met inauspicious deaths. One Ovion was ejected due to bogarting the last of a precious herbal compound that, upon ingestion, assisted them in dealing with the trauma of getting their collective asses kicked. (Footnote: an Ovion's funky vest was made from the fibrous matter of this organic compound).
Another was unfortunately killed when he decided to car surf while traveling through the C-Beams of the Tannhauser gate, a few light years south of the shoulder of Orion.
Yet another Ovion became deceased after they picked up what seemed to be an attractive hitchhiker which shared many similar insect-like traits to the Ovion species. He was soon consumed by this insectoid whore after she reportedly told him, "ekha seh wertad", which translates to "I like to swallow". The Ovions had been away from their kind so long that this unfortunate Ovion did not remember that oral sex amongst his species always led to being eaten, quite literally.
On approach to a solar system consisting of nine planets, he turned on his quantum communicator to detect life-forms. There were many messages floating through space. Unfortunately, many were scrambled and appeared to be naked humanoid forms with a breast, ass or penis occassionally visible through the scrambled image. As he continued to scour different channels, he came across a visual historical record chronicling the intense battle between a group of humanoids against a tall, black and metallic humanoid with subservient white-armored slaves that could not shoot straight. After watching this visual record, this Ovion went to sleep and had troubled dreams involving the human-shaped and bucket-like automatons observed in the message. When he awakened, he drew these nightmarish images on napkins that were stuffed in his intergalactic glove compartment.
He soon realized that he had not been paying attention to the galaxy and promptly ran into a planet. Due to the fact that his galactic cruising vessel looked like a cruising vessel driven by the indigenous life of that planet, suspicions were not raised that it was of extra-terrestrial origin. A human female by the name of Virginia Holt happened upon the crash and found the Ovion drawings. She promptly took them with the plan of incorporating them into a children's book that she had written. Her publisher had recently publicly humiliated her by stating that she "couldn't even draw flies if she was made of cowshit". She saw these drawings as her ticket to success. She did not realize, however, that the Ovion had written "Feito", which translates to "Fuck you in your insect-mandibled ass", on the drawings out of boredom and latent neglected libido. When this was addressed by her publisher, she lied. Ms. Holt told him that "Feito" was a Spanish artist friend of hers that had unjustly died at the hands of a 3-legged goat and that she wanted to pay tribute to him by publishing this book.
Later, the Ovion awakened and found himself being scrutinized by a large, helmet-wearing humanoid. "Hello, I'm God", announced this human as he smoked the remnants of the Ovion's vest.
"Where am I?", asked the Ovion. "More imporantly, who am I?"
"Hmm, sit back, my smelly insectoid friend. Let me catch you up on your life so far........"
Chestnuts roasted by freudguy @ 08/15/2006 02:31 PM EST
It's a typo...it's supposed to say Fellatio.
Chestnuts roasted by Justin @ 08/15/2006 03:59 PM EST
http://dvd.ign.com/articles/725/725079p1.html
I thought you'd be interested in knowing this exists.
Chestnuts roasted by ICMANTT @ 08/15/2006 04:54 PM EST
Why is C-3P0 wearing a corset under his gold plating?
Chestnuts roasted by Ronald MacKinnon @ 08/15/2006 05:46 PM EST
The fact that book was ever given shelf time in a store gives me hope that one day, I too will be a published writer. Of course, I'll have to sell out and write a book about Care Bears or um, Smurfs. What year is this? Where am I?
Feito is the illustrator's nickname for his big toe.
Chestnuts roasted by Julie @ 08/15/2006 05:47 PM EST
Feito is an accomplished artist. He studied under the accomplished wing of Bob Ross (of PBS fame). Feito began his career learning how to make happy little things appear on a blank canvas. This still, somehow, left an emptyness inside him. He somehow felt he was not living up to his true ptential.
Feito: I just can't feel this painting, Bob. I have the happy trees, the cozy little brook, and I have faked messing up my painting five or six time just to make the blob of nothingness into a fucking waterfall complete with a house and six baby chicks.
Bob Ross: You need to calm down Feito, here hit this.
Feito (Holding Breath): Pffft I am serious man. Shooo I wan;t to be able to FEEL what I am creating. I need to SEE, TOUCH, and SMELL my creation.
Bob Ross: I don't think you need to hit this anymore Feito, you are fucking freaking me out. Just paint the damn picture, you are reading too much into this.
Feito: You just don't understand me Bob. George Lucas saw where I was coming from and he thinks it would make a great idea for a new book.
Bob Ross: O.K., now I know you are higher than Hulk Hogan's hairline.
Freito: Screw you Bob, you will see. YOU WILL SEE!
So Feito set out to create his masterpiece, SHINY AS A DROID. Which contained some of the most original interactive artwork ever created. this trademark set by Feito would reach all the way into the galaxy and into other Solar Systems. Eventually, the book itself would make its way to Eternia. There Zapow would use it to comfort himself during his nighttime bedwetting episodes. Eventually, Zapow would find a new outlet to vanquish his nocturnal liquid frustrations. Giving an amnesiac alien an identity crisis. Freito, amidst all this, still resides here on Earth. He will unknowingly particioate in the Anihilation of Earth at the hands of one seriously motherfuckin' cunfused alien named Frank
THE END
Chestnuts roasted by Old E @ 08/15/2006 06:10 PM EST
Hey, Matt---
Regrettably, I'm going to have to miss out on the rest of the August Megaparty due to computer problems beyond my control. See the link in my name for more.
This is the last you bloggers will probably hear from me until September, I'm sad to say....
Chestnuts roasted by Mars @ 08/15/2006 06:59 PM EST
Greymatter suxxors really hard donkey dick Matt.
Chestnuts roasted by Old E @ 08/15/2006 07:42 PM EST
"Feito" is the name of the machine that illustrates all the board and little, little kids' books based on TV and movie characters.
Chestnuts roasted by starwenn @ 08/15/2006 07:48 PM EST
I don't know who Feito is, but I'm Frito. Heh.
Oh, and who is the character "Frank" in the story? Like, what is the actual toy? I remember having it as a kid and it was one of my favorites that always went swimming with me at the YMCA. I'd just like to know more about it since I had when I was very young and have no idea why my parents got it for me in the first place.
Ahh, the memories. Thanks Matt!
Chestnuts roasted by Frito @ 08/15/2006 08:31 PM EST
Feito is ... Frank's father!
Chestnuts roasted by jcs @ 08/15/2006 09:00 PM EST
On a slightly more serious note, Luis Feito is a Spanish artist in the Abstract Expressionist school. Born in 1929, he's still alive. He founded 'El Paso', the Barcelona based collective of expressionists and informalists at the vanguard of Spanish art in the late 1950s.
Luis Feito´s brief period as a figurative artist ended in the early 1950s, when, after discovering Cubism, he entered into the sphere of abstract art. In 1956, Feito was awarded a grant by the French government and moved to Paris, where he found inspiration in automatic art and L'Art Brut and Assemblage pioneered by artists such as Jean DuBuffet. He began mixing sand with his thick oil paints and employing a reduced palette of black, white and ochre. In the early 1960s, Feito started to introduce a fourth , red, and his work slowly began more geometric. In 1981 he left Paris for Montreal, where he stayed until 1983, when he moved to New York.
Think I'm kidding? I just plagarized this from http://www.picassomio.com/luisfeito/en
Who knew he would have time to (poorly) illustrate children's books?
On an unrelated note, I hope no one's crotch has caught on fire from their Dell. Check them batteries, kiddies.
Chestnuts roasted by LemurCat @ 08/15/2006 09:00 PM EST
On an unrelated note, I hope no one's crotch has caught on fire from their Dell. Check them batteries, kiddies.
My crotch is always on fiyah! *sizzle*
Chestnuts roasted by Mystie @ 08/15/2006 09:25 PM EST
Gold Five to Red Leader lost Mars, lost Feito, they came from behind.... *BOOM*
Chestnuts roasted by Darth Poop @ 08/15/2006 09:27 PM EST
[i]My crotch is always on fiyah! *sizzle*[/i]
HA HA! Mystie is a redhead...
...oh, wait...
Chestnuts roasted by Frito @ 08/15/2006 09:50 PM EST
Now that's a good post. Good job there Darth Poop.
Wish I could add to the party more but I got nothing so I will just be the cheerleader.
Nice Panama Canal reference, Squee.
And I'm done.
Chestnuts roasted by The Manimal @ 08/15/2006 09:54 PM EST
Feito is wondering what the hell Poop is talking about. Like ever. Was that an attempt to stay on topic, by throwing Feito into that space-time anomoly you call a post?
Chestnuts roasted by Knegative @ 08/15/2006 09:59 PM EST
Knegative: In all fairness, you are criticizing the random element of a comment written in response to an article consisting of a four-armed toy alien named Frank trying to learn his identity from a roided-out action figure with a rip-off Juggernaut helmet and a God complex. A little perspective, is all.
Chestnuts roasted by Jedoc @ 08/15/2006 10:13 PM EST
Feito is a creature with portholes where gold and salt come out.
Chestnuts roasted by Welsh Rabbit @ 08/15/2006 11:55 PM EST
I concur, in part, with bren. Whatever the answer is, I'm sure it involves Krang; anything this convoluted would have to.
Chestnuts roasted by Hoverbored @ 08/16/2006 05:58 AM EST
Feito is actually the brother of Kuato (of Total Recall fame). As far as outer appearance goes , Feito looks exactly the actor Marshall Bell (they are in fact exact twins) with the small exception that while Kuato received the 'mutated, psychic, left sided brain' / upperbody / torso, Feito instead has 2 tiny legs, a pelvis and two micro-penises (a commone affliction to mutant nether-regions as he was one often witnessed getting double jug-tugs from the 3 breasted hookers.). Feito was very skilled with his toes, much like any other simians, and his illustrations often resembled scenes taken from his young life on Mars. He was well recognized for his talents and Cohaagen himself once remarked of a tribute mural Feito had made for the former OCP exec 'God damn mutie. You're exactly right. I finally DO have what I want, and I WILL give these people air.' Ultimately Cohaagen reneged on the offer further upsetting Feito and forcing the young mutant to leave Mars for greener pastures/planets. Feito currently resides on Venus and in his spare time draws comic strips for heavy metal. And droids.
Chestnuts roasted by Keens @ 08/17/2006 12:57 AM EST
Frito, Frank is an old Battlestar Galactica figure. I think he was called an Ovion. Or maybe an Onion. Something like that.
Feito sounds suspiciously like Photog. Just saying.
Chestnuts roasted by Hellpop! @ 08/17/2006 03:09 AM EST
