07/11/2006 Entry: "Riiiiicola."

I used to really enjoy being sick. All that television, all those people catering to you, all those forgiving cans of Chickarina, mmm.

Growing up sucks. Being sick isn't fun at all anymore. I've somehow gotten bronchial asthma in July, which struck me as odd because I haven't had asthma in any form since the 7th grade. It also struck me as odd because the doctor decided that I had bronchial asthma within sixteen seconds of not-shaking my hand. But, I'm wheezing, I've got a fever that hasn't totally subsided even after five days, and I'm coughing up steady supplies of backup ammo for the Horde Slime Pit. I guess that sounds like bronchial asthma. Bronchial asthma sounds like a big dinosaur to me, too.

I started feeling the devil's tickle in my throat late on Thursday, and by the time work was through on Friday, I was hacking like a less agile General Grievous. Come Saturday, I was a wreck. I was kind of looking forward to being down and out this week, but work is so crazybusy that I've basically telecommuted for more than my regular office hours. And, since nobody at the office can hear me coughing up blood, I'm not even getting any sympathy awards. This sucks.

On the other hand, being home these last few days has taught me that Master Television still sees fit to air reruns of 227 and Amen from time to time, and finding that out makes not being able to breathe totally worth it.

I've also learned that cough drops get really disgusting after the 3rd bag.

PS: The comments thread has morphed into a survey. Talk about the stupidest ways you've ever hurt yourself. I mean it.

Chestnuts roasted by squee4242 @ 07/11/2006 10:50 PM EST

Eh, I'm fine. Just pissy that the most interesting thing that's happened to me in the past 5 days is coughing stuff up.

We need a survey topic. Any suggestions?

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 07/11/2006 10:59 PM EST

God, you poor dear. That's awful. Keep eating lots of chicken soup, sleeping, and coming back to read that we're all hoping you get over this thing soon and will be back to making wonderful commercials at Nick...and writing wonderful things on X-E.

Chestnuts roasted by starwenn @ 07/11/2006 11:07 PM EST

So is this a permanent condition? My Mom's husband has had asthma for 30 years. I don't want to be a downer, but this would be a great reason to quit smoking...

Here's an upbeat topic: what summer shows are worth watching? So far I'm onboard with- Deadwood, Entourage, The Venture Bros., Rescue Me, Project Runway, and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Tivo recorded Psych for me, so I might check that out. Anyone got any others to recommend? Although this isn't a TV-based group, we seem to like a lot of the same stuff.

Chestnuts roasted by Welsh Rabbit @ 07/11/2006 11:32 PM EST

It's a shame you're not working at an older, more innocent Nickelodeon, Matt. Time was, the ability to produce large volumes of green slime would have made you a real asset to the company.

Chestnuts roasted by Jedoc @ 07/11/2006 11:33 PM EST

How's this for a survey topic?

Dumbest way you've ever hurt yourself

I'll go first. I just, quite literally, walked into a door. I've got a cut above my right eye because I walked into the edge of the door. Also, my head hurts. Also, the room spun a little bit, and I think I grayed out for a few seconds.

Stupid me for not turning on a damn light.

Chestnuts roasted by spaz307 @ 07/11/2006 11:39 PM EST

spaz, thinkimight have you beatbuddy,
i have an ogoin problemwiththe lympnodes in my legand a testicle thing(yeah i said it) and so today im bringing in my groceries,and carrying a HUUUGE box of tide laundry detergent,i trip up in my own feet,fall down andthe CORNER of thebox hits me square in the nutsand nodes, i passed out for a secondand woke up with a bloody nose,,,,woo. what a great day....BAH!

glad to hear you're feeling "better" matt!!!
El-Josh-O

Chestnuts roasted by JoshC @ 07/11/2006 11:44 PM EST

I thought it be a great idea to be in the circus. SO I jumped at an attic chord string to do that bit where people bit on a string and spin. Well, it snapped my front tooth in half, so I have a fake tooth in front. I did this about ten years ago. So like, it didn't really hurt, but it was freakin stupid as hell.

Chestnuts roasted by Josh @ 07/11/2006 11:44 PM EST

Sitting down on a bicycle seat and very nearly crushing your nuts. First because it's an embarassing thing to do and second because it's an even more embarassing thing to admit.

On a related note, Hooray I'm near the top!!!

Chestnuts roasted by BigWangGlick @ 07/11/2006 11:47 PM EST

One stupid way I've hurt myself, without getting too poetic:

In the 4th grade, I picked up a carpenter's knife and, not really realizing what a "razor's edge" entailed, gently pressed my thumb on the blade for no reason. I felt nothing and put the knife down. Ten seconds later, blood was literally squirting out geyser-style.

It probably could've used a stitch or two, but we skipped that in favor of the trusty damp paper towel. I remember getting out of having to do my homework that night, and having to deal with my teacher giving me the biggest "you're an asshole" face when I told him why I didn't do my assignments the next day. "But I cut my thumb!"

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 07/11/2006 11:48 PM EST

I came around a doorway, headfirst and got a fishing lure stuck in my ear, from my dad's stuffed fish. And it was Christmas day, and I got to walk into the emergency room like the coolest guy in the world. Then we had to wait for the JANITOR to find a pair of wire cutters.

The second it set itself in my ear, I literally shouted "This is gonna be the BEST story EVER!!!"

And it totally was.

Chestnuts roasted by Knegative @ 07/11/2006 11:48 PM EST

Dumbest way that I've hurt myself, let's see that was problably when I shot myself in the fingure with a nailgun. I was working with my Dad one summer building houses, when, on the last nail, of the last board, of the last wall, of the last day of the job, I didn't aim properly and BANG, nail sticking through my fingure, right above the knuckle. It didn't hurt very much, but damn it was stupid, if I had just taken two seconds to aim it never would have happened.

Chestnuts roasted by Tyler @ 07/11/2006 11:56 PM EST

When I was in fourth grade, I had a morning routine of getting out of the shower and walking to the large hall heater and drying off in front of it before getting dressed. One day I was too tired to notice that I had sat down on the heater until I started to smell the burn. I jumped off in a panic and hit my head on the opposite wall of the narrow hallway. I had lines burnt into my ass for two weeks.

Chestnuts roasted by Phayke @ 07/12/2006 12:00 AM EST

maybe this will cheer you up a lil' Matt

http://secretspain.org/tmnt.html

Chestnuts roasted by super_dex @ 07/12/2006 12:15 AM EST

In second or third grade, I decided to test the theory of going too high on the swings at recess. We had the really hard flat plastic bench ones, with a really long chain attached to the metal pipe bars by those S pieces. So, I got way up, to the point I was almost over the metal bar, as close as you could get to actually flinging the swing all the way over. How I fell is a blur, but my bet is that I lost my grip, the swing tilted back, and the chains went wobbly, bucking me off, so I fell backwards off the swing, doing a backflip, catching the bar at the top on my fall, and hitting the mulch below. Could be wrong though, all I remember is "There's the sky...now I'm falling...ouch that hurt... darkness.". I was totally knocked out, and woke up in the nurse's office. It was really freaky, apparently nobody saw anything, finding me laying face down in the mulch beneth the swing.

Chestnuts roasted by Rob @ 07/12/2006 12:52 AM EST

One time, I was sitting in a room with my sister and her ex-boyfriends parents while they talked. I was drinking a can of Brisk Tea and was really really bored listening to them. When the tea was gone, i found it neccessary to stick my thumb into the can opening. Unfortunatly I couldn't get my thumb back out, and while attempting to I sliced it and started refilling the can with my own blood. I quietly left the room to avoid persecution of being retarded, but failed in my attempt to remove the can. So I walked back into the room, held up my thumb/can and said "My thumb is stuck in this can, and im bleeding." Stupidest thing ever.

Chestnuts roasted by Mattman @ 07/12/2006 01:09 AM EST

The dumbest thing ever? Well I have not looking several times walked into doors (have the head dents to prove it) and other tomboyish things, but the most severe and equally stupid thing is this.

The second day I believe I moved into a new house, and I was hanging out without my roommate, he was several hundred miles away doing some last minute moving stuff, and I barely had tv. I wanted to watch a dvd (Ghostbusters, he bought 1 and 2 for cheap amusement) but I couldn't get it open, and the only sharp things we had were knives. I tried to slice the front open by holding the DVD down with my right hand and cutting with my left (I am left handed) and I slashed it a little but I really slashed my middle finger with the knife and started squirting all over my shorts and the kitchen floor and thank god I had a cell phone we got because he didn't want to leave me alone without communication (if something like SLASHING my finger open happens augh) and I forgot the addy because it was only my second day so I had to run (mind you I was only wearing a sports bra and cut off jeans, it was a hot day and I thought that was an appropriate outfit)over to the neighbors and ask them what the addy was while I was bleeding with a towel on my hand and talking on the phone, he looked me up and down and then told me HIS addy (he got my bill later LOL) and I went back in and I tried as hard as I could to put a damn shirt on because I knew my grandparents would of had to pick me up and that wasn't appropriate to see me in that outfit.

The jean cut off shorts still have the dried blood on them, I am keeping them like that probably forever, I wanna frame them probably lol they were my favorites and they just are really punk looking (blood is the punkest you can get right LOL)

Anyway I had to get about 7 stiches, and I had to put my finger in a splint (middle finger with a splint on is humorous to everyone) and I sliced a little of my tendon on that finger so I had to do exercises and change the bandages. I was terrified of knives for several years (this was about 3 years ago?) and I am finally getting used to it. This was pretty tramatizing not to depress anybody but that is the best stupid story I could think of.

Chestnuts roasted by Goob @ 07/12/2006 01:58 AM EST

Worst way I've hurt myself. I once heard it feels better to whack off with a lubricant off sorts.

Didn't have any lotion. So i used Vicks Vapor Rub to rub one out.

It hurts like a mofo.

True story. Still stings just thinking about it.

Chestnuts roasted by Idiotheque @ 07/12/2006 02:36 AM EST

Quite possibly the dumbest way I ever hurt myself, or anyone has ever hurt themselves, ocurred during the summer following my sixth grade year. Once upon a time I was an acquiree of baseball cards (I refrain from using the term "collector" for reasons that shall become obvious later in the story) rarely did these somewhat valuable Nolan Ryans and Griffey Jrs stay contained within their card boxes and they instead remained strewn throughout the floors of my bedroom along with an assortment of POGS and Various LJN Wrestling figures. On a hot summer day in Texas it is the duty of every young boy to appear as needy-of-welfare as possible so shoes were not covering my feet as they normally would during the other seasons. For some reason I decided while walking across the bedroom to drag the tops of my feet along the floor much like a muppet that is being operated by a slightly retarded person. I would soon learn that the dragging of puppet feet was no laughing matter. Anyway my foot collided with the edge of Gaylord Perry's rookie card and that is where things start to get interesting ... anytime before you accidently cut yourself there is always that slight moment of hesitation within your mind in which you know you are about to bleed but the juices have yet to make it to your unintentional insicion. I was unaware that my foot would soon turn into a perpetual sprinkler head which spewed forth the crimson fluids that provide me sustinence. I equate the injury to a sprinkler because quite honestly that is exactly what it looked like. With each beat of my heart blood would subsequently shoot out of the afformentioned cavity. I dared not to remain macho and shrieked higher than the lead singer of Mr. Big in that part of song where they change the key for like the fourth time on the last chorus of their one and only hit song. As I stood their shrieking and my right foot in a pool of bloody baseball cards my dad, who just so happened to be a registered nurse, calmly scooped my up and took me into the bathroom where I preceeded to ruin a washcloth or two (girls just entering puberty, I feel your pain). I had up until this point never become sick at the sight of my own blood, which being a profession wrestling fanatic I had unwillingly seen many times before. I begin to feel nausiated and began puking what appeared to be MY GUTS into the tub! No really you see earlier in the day I had ingested for lunch a pan full of french fries slathered in ketchup and upon seeing my regergitations entered into viscious cycle that didn't end until all them taters were resting on the bathmat. Long story short (sorry about the length) I went to the hospital got a bandaid and had to explain that I had cut my foot on a baseball card. The moral of the story is Gaylord Perry sucks and I will never walk like a retarded muppet again.

Chestnuts roasted by Adam Hull @ 07/12/2006 02:49 AM EST

When I was a kid, I stepped on an huge-ass staple on a marionette on the floor. It went deep into my foot. My dad just yanked it out, as he always did when I got impaled by something. My parents told me: "This is why you need to clean your room!"

I'll also count any time I've fallen off my bike in the past few years. Even if it's from something like having to turn sharply to avoid some kid who ran out in front of me.

Chestnuts roasted by RewolfJ @ 07/12/2006 03:34 AM EST

I've been a relatively injury free person, I've never been hospitalized or even close to needing it. I guess it was pretty stupid of me to try to slam my car door shut earlier today, but do it in that suave "getting in while closing it to do it faster" way, and the bottom corner swiped the front of my shin. Hurt like your mom.

Chestnuts roasted by Mara @ 07/12/2006 03:58 AM EST

Sweet! Amen is/was an awesome show.

Dumbest way- when I was little I was just walking, tripped broke my arm to the point of the bone jutting out. Sucked.
Also if you count drinking stuff that I know will make me sick but do anyway.

Chestnuts roasted by Eddie Lightning Frog @ 07/12/2006 05:06 AM EST

Whilst on holiday in the glorious courty of Turkey (ie, dump) on the very first morning of a 2 week vacation, I got in the elevator to go down for breakfast. It was a biz elevator, only the carriage moved and the doors too the floors stayed where they were.

Too cut a long story short I decided to lean with my hand against the door whilst in it, even though I had see the death carriage earlier in the morning when we had arived and remarked about how dangerous it was, I still chose to do this.

The elevator started moving down, the door didn't, the ring on my finger got caught on the door handle, taking my hand up into the gap between the moving elevator and the stupid non-moving doors.

Queue me, first day of my holiday, sat in a Turkish dentist chair while some cat tried to release the squashed ring from my mangled finger with a dentist drill.

12 stitches later (in just one finger) and an ass load of painkillers I was back at the hotel, hating Turkey and using the stairs for the remainder of my holiday.

Chestnuts roasted by Ryan H. @ 07/12/2006 05:16 AM EST

I was given my first pocket knife at the tender age of 11 or 12. Nothing big, just a 3 inch blade or so. What does a 12 year-old want to do with a pocket knife? Carve his name in a tree.

I headed out back to the dead, leafless tree in my back yard and I started engraving my name in the tree, in a upward motion.

Thawack. I stab myself in the forehead.

It wasn't that bad. It didn't go through my skull and slice my brain. But I do have a tiny dot-of-scar on my forehead.

Chestnuts roasted by Geoffinsanity @ 07/12/2006 08:23 AM EST

I jammed a pair of tweezers into an electric socket to see what would happen. After waking up to find the whole apartment complex blacked out, I swore I'd never do it again. On purpose.

Chestnuts roasted by Nutley @ 07/12/2006 09:10 AM EST

Does it count if you don't remember?

I think it's pretty dumb to wake up with a scab on your forehead and not know where it came from.

I do have a scar there now, 4 circles in a row. My sister claims to have stabbed me in the forehead with a fork. Whether that is true or not, I have a memory from our first houseparty when the parents went out of town.

Chestnuts roasted by selvig @ 07/12/2006 09:27 AM EST

When I was about 4 or 5 I decided to try to "sharpen" my finger. That was pretty dumb. Also, about 2 years ago, I spilled water on my arm from the espresso machine. It was about 200 degrees. It might not have been so bad, but I was wearing a hoody at the time and I ripped it off, along with several layers of skin. That pain was worse than any pain ever.

Not to be self-rightous, but I just quit smoking.(and no one loves to smoke more than I do) I just started imagining myself lying in a hospital bed dying at 55 from lung cancer. It creeped me out.

Chestnuts roasted by kb @ 07/12/2006 09:32 AM EST

Stupidest way I ever hurt myself? Thats easy. I had a back to the future skateboard when i was 8 that I attempted to convert into a hoverboard by taking the wheels off and sticking in my tire swing. The idea was that I would stand over the top of the tire with one foot on each side of the board and then hover to and fro.

Once I got on I easily hovered to, but I never did make it to fro as my weight shifted funny, and the board flew out from under my feet getting my leg trapped in the tire, and my other leg flying out to the side. I basically went to and fro a few times, but it wasn't fun because I was being dragged in the dirt by the tire swing. I didn't get any serious injury, but it still hurt like a mutha'.

Chestnuts roasted by TC Falcon @ 07/12/2006 09:38 AM EST

Damn, I forgot to mention the time I got a dollar coin lodged in my throat.

I was playing with my brother (he was 2, I was 12) before we went to my sisters baseball tournament, and my mother gave me a Loonie to buy ice cream with at the game, so I was teasing my brother with it when I decided to hold it between my teeth.

I guess he felt it was his opportunity for revenge whenhe hit me in the mouth knocking the Loonie out from my teeth and I swallowed it.

But it was too big to go all the way down, so away to the E.R. we went.

I was excited to whole time (since I could breath) that I was going to have surgery. The doctors were really cool and were able to pull it out with I thought was a claw machine (they showed it to me before hand), instead of pushing it down and letting it pass.

When I got home my sister decided to call me Loonie Tunes forever. Still does.

And i got to keep the Loonie.

Chestnuts roasted by selvig @ 07/12/2006 09:40 AM EST

I'm glad this subject came up, because I'm always hurting myself in stupid ways. Once me and a buddy were building a bon fire (always a good indication of what's to come) and we got the bright idea to start throwing random chemicals into the fire. We threw one particular plastic bottle of something in, and ran for cover. We were kind of expecting a large explosion, but nothing happened. We walked over to the fire and saw that the bottle was right on the edge. My friend gently nudged it with his foot, and as soon as he did it exploded into a giant blast of fire. Most the hair on his face was totally singed off, and he still has trouble hearing out of his left ear. I got burnt a little, but not nearly as bad.

That was several years ago, and I learned my lesson about playing with fire on that day.

A couple of years ago, I was jumping on the same firends trampoline. Obviously I was thinking very clearly, because the trampoline was less supportive than it should have been, and I weighed about 220 lbs. at the time. I jumped really high in the air and was going to land on my back, but the trampoline didn't stop me. I ended up hitting the ground. I couldn't move for about 10 minutes. Still hurts me to this day.

I've got a lot more, but I'll save myself the embarresment.

I've actually only been to the hospital twice in my entire life. Both times were on my birthday.

Chestnuts roasted by Deuce @ 07/12/2006 09:52 AM EST

Stupidus Hurtus: When I was a kid, I tried to pop one of those red inflatable kickballs by hitting it with a hammer. The hammer bounced off it and smashed my forehead. 6 stiches and a shweet scar!

Chestnuts roasted by DAve @ 07/12/2006 10:29 AM EST

Ah c'mon people, I can't believe no one has mentioned floor skating. You know, where you slid down a hardwood floor hallway in your socks? Ok, well, I guess I will. A year ago (what's embarrassing is that I was 20 yrs old at the time and sober)some friends and I were bored so we were taking turns sliding down the hallway. Someone got the bright idea to spray wood polish on the floor to make it slicker. I ran, started to slide, lost my footing immediately, cracked my head on the floor and kept sliding until my foot connected with the stairway. Yep definitely broke my big toe...

Chestnuts roasted by Topsailgrl @ 07/12/2006 10:30 AM EST

everybody seems to stab/cut their fingers a lot...

well, a couple of months ago while opening a stupid hard-plastic package with a pocketknife, i cut my palm. severed the primary tendon and two nerves.

result? i'm now permanently one-handed (the fingers are still attached, but the index, middle, and thumb on my right hand are completely numb, and don't move anymore).

click my name to see pics of the wound.

and please, always be careful with knives, people.

Chestnuts roasted by Cuddles @ 07/12/2006 10:38 AM EST

Well, let's see ... worse way I ever hurt myself ...

... when I was ten I wasplaying ice hockey and tripped on uneven ice and slid face-first into the stanchion holding up a basketball hoop. Instead of breaking my tooth across, I broke it up-and-down and got to spend 6 months with a silver cap on it.

... when I was twenty, I was working in the paint shop of an aerospace fasteners factory, and while trying to unhook a pump because it was spewing acetone all over the floor, I slipped and smacked myself in the head with a heavy ass wrench and knocked myself out and ended up falling into a pool of said acetone. I don't which headache was worse -- from hitting myself with the wrench, or from coming down off of the acetone high.

... Two weeks ago, in the midst of moving into the new house, I was walking down the steps and my ankle just turned for no reason. I was pitched down into my basement and ended up with a high ankle sprain and some bruises. I'm sure the ankle would heal if I would just stay off it, but who the hell has time for that?

Chestnuts roasted by LemurCat @ 07/12/2006 10:59 AM EST

This has been so entertaining. Thanks everyone.
So here's mine:
I got hurt in bed. Alone.
It was a cold winter, so I was sleeping in my velour sweat pants on flannel sheets. I rolled over at about 2am (I always wake up and look at the clock) and got completely tangled. I felt a burning hot shooting pain in my ass and could not move. So I layed there until 6am, when I knew my dad would be up. I managed to call him and tell him what happened. He laughed at me and then picked me up and took me to the doctor.
The doctor didn't believe me, he thought I was a victim of domestic violence. But he said I pulled a muscle and gave me a couple different types of STRONG pain killers.
Then, as if I wasn't embarrassed enough, my mom was worried that I was dangerous to myself and made me spend the night at their house so they could watch me.
I'm such a dork!

Chestnuts roasted by Shannie @ 07/12/2006 11:40 AM EST

Recent: sprained my ankle while skipping (yes, skipping) with my little girl along stepping stones between our house and our driveway. I stepped on the side of the stone instead of the top and my ankle went 90 degrees. I actually heard stuff pop and rip in there. It hurt so bad, I actually got nauseous and threw up. It swelled up and bruised so bad it looked like I had a mega-superball where my ankle bone was. Plus, nothing will perk up your ears quite like hearing your 2 year old say "goddamn motherf*cker" right after you say it during a crisis of pain. That made me feel dirty.

In college: This didn't really hurt but it was damn embarassing. Did you ever see those party lights that looks like a old-timey fire engine or police car light? It was red and had a suction cup on the bottom where you could stick to any smooth surface. Well, I attached it to my forehead at a party one night. The weight of the thing plus the fact that I pulled it off rather than peeling the suction cup off of me left a 3 inch hickey on my forehead, dark blue and dead center. It was there for 2 weeks. Hence, I was known as "Hickey Head" amongst friends for more time than I care to think about.

Chestnuts roasted by freudguy @ 07/12/2006 11:59 AM EST

In 9th grade I was taking a weight off the leg press in "weight training" class and didn't realize how heavy it was and I dropped it on my finger. It pretty much crushed the tip of my pointer finger. It's still pretty deformed looking to this day.

I also shaved my legs with a razor that was old and missing part of the covering. (obviously I didn't realize it) Well as I was shaving it ripped out a 2 inch chunk of skin out of my calve. I still have a lovely scar.
I basically have a disfigured body thanks to my stupidness...

Chestnuts roasted by gingela @ 07/12/2006 12:07 PM EST

I must have been 7 or 8, and my mother and grandmother took me on a road trip to my aunt Edna and uncle Ells family reunion in some state. I vaquely remember the purpose of the trip was to take Aunt Edna to Chemo then care for her after.

While at the actual family reunion filled with people I didn't know I found a small playground and decided to play on the merry-go-round thing. This was probably mistake number 1. I had been on it for awhile when some older kid, probably no more than 14 now that I think about it, decided to spin the thing round and round as hard as he could. I freaked, screamed, freaked some more, and screamed some more. It was at this moment I got what is still probably one of my stupidest ideas. I decided to jump of the whirling thing of death.

Of course my mom, grandma, and my aunt and uncle show at this point.

Well I jump of back wards, cause that made sense to me, think I've made it, when some how next thing I know I'm now UNDER the whirling metal spiny death. I didn't get too hurt beyond some scrapes on my legs and face. And acording to my mom apparent when I jumped I tucked my foot under the edge and got pulled under. But it hurt like all get out.

To add salt to the shame, we went to the hospital for Aunt Edna's chemo, and I wasn't allowed to change from my war torn clothes because our luggage was alread at my aunt and uncles. I got alot of weird questions that day.

Chestnuts roasted by Mandi @ 07/12/2006 12:13 PM EST

Gingela wrote - In 9th grade I was taking a weight off the leg press in "weight training" class and didn't realize how heavy it was and I dropped it on my finger. It pretty much crushed the tip of my pointer finger. It's still pretty deformed looking to this day.

Oh, that happened to my big toe on my left foot in the 12th grade -- my track team lifting partner dropped her weights without warning and smashed the hell out of my toe. It was so nasty, like a small sack of shattered bones. The nail fell out shortly afterward. It's never been right since (prolly cause I hate doctors and didn't go to one at the time) and requires constant care because it tends to go in-grown if I'm not careful.

Chestnuts roasted by LemurCat @ 07/12/2006 12:32 PM EST

Animaniacs is now on IN2TV!!!

Now for the survey: not about me hurting myself, though I do it a lot. This one is about my father in-law. When he was in highschool, I think around 17-18 years old, he worked at a small grocery store and helped out with the butcher. Anyway, he was grinding some meat into hamburger, and doing it fast, when the meat grinder got jammed, so he punched the meat down into the grinder.

What happens next is crazy. He says it was an air pocket in the meat or something that caused the problem, and that caused his hand to get stuck in the meat grinder, and ground!

They had to transport him and the meat grinder to the hospital where things just get worse. A male nurse was holding the meat grinder for him while he was on the gurney in the ER. When it slipped, fell to the ground and pulled my father in-law to the ground with it.

When they removed his hand, he says it compared to looking like a bunch of bloody rags. They did what they could to salvage his hand, and sewed it into his side to grow new skin or something. In the middle of the night he rips the hand from his side in his sleep, and bleeds everywhere.

Anyway, today his hand is not at all like yours, but it is functional.

He also fell out of a tree with a chainsaw a few years ago and sliced the same hand open with the chainsaw as he fell.

Chestnuts roasted by Fox @ 07/12/2006 12:36 PM EST

When I was 11 or 12, I was riding my 10 speed down the road. Not one like they make nowadays, the kind with the curvy handle bars and the skinny tires. I decided it would be really cool to jump up the freakishly high curb and onto the sidewalk in some glorious supercool bmx fashion. Obviously things didn't go as planned. I ramped up the curb and flipped up and over the bike, landing on my head/shoulder on the sidewalk. I was wearing brand new clothes, and they got ripped up something fierce. I couldn't move my arm for about 5 days. I've still got a scar the size of a silver dollar right on top of my shoulder.

Chestnuts roasted by Justin Wiley @ 07/12/2006 12:41 PM EST

Matt, I hope you feel better. I had bronchitis for like two months back in high school. I just remember most waking up in the middle of the night feeling I was going to suffocate to death and then hacking my lungs out. Stupidest way I hurt myself: College I was a art major and was using an Xacto Knife for a project: I was cutting while sitting on the floor which was dumb since it was carpeted and not a hard surface. Well I didn't keep my hand steady and ended up slitting the side tip of my left index finger REALLY REALLY bad. Blood gushing, had to go to the doctor and they poured almost a whole damn bottle of peroxide on it to ward off an infection. I was lucky: had I gone any deeper I would've hit a nerve.

Chestnuts roasted by Melissa Y. @ 07/12/2006 12:43 PM EST

In the fifth grade there was a hole in a weird air conditioning unit that lined one of the walls of the classroom. Kids would put stuff in it and one day, this girl put something, can’t remember what, in there that apparently had some value to me. So I stuck my hand in there to get it and a fan blade sliced a portion of my thumb off. It didn’t hurt, I just went to the bathroom and washed it off, wrapped it in a paper towel, and then acted macho. The portion that the fan cut off was still attached by a bit of skin, fun. Anyway it healed fine and now you can’t even tell that anything happened. But I’m still afraid of fans.

Chestnuts roasted by Darth Poop @ 07/12/2006 01:00 PM EST

I've got a funny one to add. When I was a kid we had a cat. Now this cat didn't like being held at all, so we pretty much just let him be. One day, I decided to pick him up, thinking that he couldn't do anything since he had been declawed. What I didn't know is that he still had his back claws. I picked him up and he went insane! I wasn't wearing a shirt so I ended up with scratches all over my chest. They weren't real deep, but everyone knows that the more shallow cuts and scrathces sting more than the slightly deeper ones. Plus mom applied alcohol to the scratches.

Eventually the cat grew to like me, and we kept him until he died about a year ago.

Chestnuts roasted by Deuce @ 07/12/2006 01:10 PM EST

PHAYKE= I also did the exact same thing, only the scar on my ass is permanant.

For some reason when I was younger I stuffed pieces of the couch cushion up my nose. Eventually, the cushion began to rot and the smell from my nose was what clued in my parents that something happened. That was one ER trip to remove the pieces.

One time I stepped out of the tub, slipped and two vertabres in my back pushed together, causing me to walk like a hunchback for a couple weeks. Hurts too.

Another time I stepped onto the street without looking and my foot got caught in the rain gutter and twisted my ankle. I couldn't walk for a week. Around this same time, my aunt got into a car wreck and we had to make an ER trip to Minnesota to care for her and skipped school. She's fine also.

It's painful and funny reading the above injury stories. Sort of watching the guy get hit in the crotch on the "Home Videos" show.

Chestnuts roasted by JLAJRC @ 07/12/2006 01:27 PM EST

I have three major scars, all on my head. (Shut up, Little Brother) All recieved when I was quite young. One on my forehead from falling on an asphalt playground, one from flopping off a real high slide when I was a toddler and biting through my lower lip. But the one I want to draw attention to is the one in my left eyebrow, acheived when I was about 7. Little Brother, myself, and our cousin were running around our apartment, being little kids. We decide to play "Ghosts" by throwing blankets over our heads. (Cousin will probably tell you it wasn't her idea, but she's awful quick about it.) Then we decide it would be more fun if we TURN OUT THE LIGHTS.
Now, I am in my mid-30's, so this places the accident in the waning days of the Golden Age of Dangerous Toys. My sisters had a huuuge red tricycle, lovingly crafted from sheet metal rejected from Vulcan's forge and machine-stamped by defrocked Norse dwarves. If it had been on it's wheels, this might have been a different tale. Upside down giant trike + sharp metal edges + my big ol' noggin + tangled footing + obscured vision = Trip to the ER and stitches, plus it didn't do much for my uneasiness around needles.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 07/12/2006 02:00 PM EST

I stapled my finger once. Not on one of those lame staplers we have today, but one that my Grandparents had that had you push on the button they had as hard as you could for it to do anything.

And there's the story of what happened to me 2 weeks ago when I angrily kicked my foot into a trashcan that I found out was immobile the hard way.

And my favorite AFHV clips were always the people getting injured in the dumbest ways, like the clip of a slot car thaty went too fast and flew off the track and into the dad's crotch. Hi-larious.

Chestnuts roasted by Invader Norbert @ 07/12/2006 02:57 PM EST

Wow so many injurys, where do I begin? Well one time when I was about 13 or 14 I walked right thru a glass door. I was pissed off for some reason and my grandma was a neat freak. It was so clean and clear looking you couldn't tell there was a door. The funny thing is it didn't break it just went right on out with me lol. Another time was about 2 or 3 years ago (I'm 24 now so yea I just grew outta my dumbshit phase lol). My buddies and I used to just hang out on the corner every friday and saturday night drinking and smoking some green stuff (ahhhh city life lol). Now what makes this funny is we hadnt even started drinking or smoking yet but somehow one of my friends pulls a basketball from out of nowhere and pretends to dunk it right on top of my head. So I start chasing him and I somehow trip over myself and start doing one of those "I'm running and my arms are moving like windmills and I can't stop and I'm half way hunched over" type of deals. BLAM! Head first into the side door of a parked box truck lol. You can still see the dent in the door of the truck lol. Another time I broke my middle finger playing basket ball when the hoop fell off of the shed behind the house I used to live in. My drunk uncle drunkingly (is that a word?) hammered it on there and is also the one who drunkingly dunked it so hard that the hoop fell straight down onto the very tip of my middle finger and then right onto my head after that. I'm sure plenty of you guys have been playing wrestling in your bed when you where younger with your sisters huge stuffed teddy bear and miscalculated when you dove off the dresser onto your bed and whacked yourself in the head with a bed post. I woke up a minute later laughing at myself lol. Now this last one happened when I was about 6 or 7. I was outside in front of my aunts building trying to impress this girl. So I jumped in the air and did what I can only describe as the spinning jump mario does in super mario world. When I landed I didn't fall but my head landed right against the brick wall and a few seconds later I had a huge lump right on my head. Now I know this is gonna sound weird to some of you but anybody that comes from an ethnic background can relate to what's comming next. I run inside to show my mom my lump. Now my family being the Puerto Ricans that we are, my mother and aunt proceed to apply an assload of butter and salt to my lump. Now I swear to you 2 minutes later, no lump!

Chestnuts roasted by PRsense @ 07/12/2006 04:29 PM EST

Oh man I left one out! My dad works at an upholstery shop and they have these huge staple guns connected to the ceiling by air an air hose. Now these things will go thru wood that's how powerful they are. Well one day I figure I was about 8. I was messing with one and I shot myself in the area directly between your belly button and your weiner. Thank God there weren't any staples in there! That thing sent out such a force of air that it still cut me and I had a decent sized bruise there for about a week.

Chestnuts roasted by PRSense @ 07/12/2006 04:36 PM EST

I have been lucky enough to escape any serious injuries so far, so my story isn't that impressive. When I was younger, I was leaning against the glass in a screen door. Now, I thought it was plexiglass, so I wasn't worried, but it wasn't. As I was leaning against it, the glass broke and a huge piece fell and cut my foot. It wasn't a bad cut, no stitches or even a trip to the hospital. Just a band-aid. It was bad enough to make me say ouch though, and I still have a small scar from it.

Chestnuts roasted by Jeff @ 07/12/2006 04:53 PM EST

My parents were out on a date and I as the oldest was supposed to be watching my 3 younger siblings. My younger brother and started snapping towels at each other (I was 13 and he was 11). I took a break by the fridge, but somehow when he came to get me and I took of running, I caught my ankle on the corner of the fridge and ripped a hole it it. It was about an inch long; I guess you could see the tendon through it. Being the one in charge I hobbled to the first aid kit and bound it up as best I could.

I called my parent and let them know I had cut myself. They asked how big and I said about 1/2 an inch. Which I meant deep and they took to mean wide. Well, when they finally came home from their date around midnight, they looked at and immdiately realized I needed to go to emergency room, where I got seven stitches and a tenanous shot.

Good times.

Chestnuts roasted by Randomness @ 07/12/2006 05:02 PM EST

When I was 9 my Mom had a rusty old Volkswagen Beetle and she used to let me and my brother play on/in it, because there was no way we could damage it enough to make it look worse. So we're out there pretending to drive, and then my 6 year old brother tries out the windshield wipers with the fluid. So I think, it's just water, and I drink from my water gun, so why don't I try drinking from the windshield nozzle? So we figure out exactly where I have to sit on the hood, and he pulls the lever, and I get a mouthful of windshield washer fluid. I realize it tastes AWFUL and probably isn't water, so I spit it out. My Mom freaks out completely and I have to go to the Emergency Room, where they say it's not serious and I can go home. Not painful but pretty stupid.

I don't want to mention any specific stories because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but reading this list of mishaps made me laugh so hard I drooled on my keyboard. Thanks.

Chestnuts roasted by Welsh Rabbit @ 07/12/2006 05:23 PM EST

Here's another one. When I was like 12 I was crawling around on the carpet for some reason--couldn't even begin to imagine why. There was a freshly sharpened pencil on the ground. It happened to stick into my knee and the tip of it broke off inside of my knee. I really thought I was paralyzed---luckily I healed within a couple of hours.

Also, I have stepped on needles so many times I can't remember them all! One time the needle went so deep in my heel that my parents had to get plyers and yank it out!

Chestnuts roasted by gingela @ 07/12/2006 05:30 PM EST

The stupidest way? Let's see, that has to be knowing full well my family history (heart-wise) and consciously ignoring all the signs of heart failure until I was coughing up bloody sputum, unable to walk more than 3 feet without pausing for breath, and was pretty much delirious. But the reason why I actually went to the hospital? Not because I learned that heart failure could cause death, but that it could cause forgetfulness. The thought of not being able to remember my music well enough to perform it was more upsetting than actually, you know, DYING. Gah!

Chestnuts roasted by kindersczenen @ 07/12/2006 05:34 PM EST

Hoo boy. Dumbest way I've ever injured myself...

Let's preface this by saying that I was an inquisitive youngster. I always had my nose in a book, even while I was sleeping. Another important piece of the puzzle is that going to the bathroom was always a special occasion. It was inbred in me. My old man spent hours on end in there, doing god-knows-what. Probably jerking off to titty magazines.

I would do the same thing as my pops: I'd shit and read and read and shit until half my day was gone. Problem was, I didn't always have time to bring a book, on account of irritable bowels. So I'd read whatever I could find in the room: toothpaste tubes, shampoo bottles, the wrappers to my mother's tampons. Believe you me, there's only so many times you can read about the cottony softness of a roll of two-ply before that becomes as bland as an elderly vagina.

One day when I was eight years old, I was out of good reading material, so I rummaged through the trash can. I pulled out a can of Drano-brand drain unclogger. Finished reading that bad-boy-did you know that that shit will eat through everything but metal?-and thought nothing of it. I thought nothing of it…until about twenty minutes later.

I was toddling along, doing the things young rapscallions such as myself did-catching toads, eating mud, pissing in the corner of the cellar-when all of a sudden…It. Was. On Fire.

Little Dickie Greenleaf was burning like Moses' favorite bush. I ran up the stairs, crying my eight-year-old eyes out. "Mommy, mommy! My pee-pee's burning, mommy!" So I pulled my junk out.

It was black.

And not black like the skin pigmentation. I'm talking black like a charred steak. My cock was charred to the tip. Apparently there was still some powder in the Drano can after all. After a particularly awkward visit to my Vietnamese pediatrician, I soaked in the tub for three days on end, until finally, Wee Willy Winky was in working order once again.

Chestnuts roasted by Spoodles @ 07/12/2006 05:43 PM EST

Before I answer the survey question, Matt, welcome to HELL. I got sick with a similar sounding illness RIGHT BEFORE school got out. 3 weeks later, I still had it. Doctor gave me the same, "No need for a real examination, it's bronchitis, so, how 'bout them GA Bulldogs" treatment. I was taking the meds while on my big NY/Gettysburg/etc. trip. Finally went away and now IT'S COMING BACK. But like most sequels, this one is not as good as the original.

STUPID INJURY: Went to a minor league hockey game (The Jacksonville Lizard Kings) and *sigh* fractured my foot while doing excessive cheering during the shootout. Missed 95% of Spring football practice. Worst of all is I think some people suspect I was faking to avoid practice. Was it a stupid injury? All the way.

Chestnuts roasted by The Manimal @ 07/12/2006 05:48 PM EST

P.S.
Does this thread have the record for longest posts submitted?? (That should keep some of you X-E archivists busy).

Chestnuts roasted by The Manimal @ 07/12/2006 05:50 PM EST

My sister and used to fight all the time, one day we were playing in the front porch and somehow I made her cry... I can't realy remember details but we used to be horrible to each other! Anyway she's crying and I don't want our Mum to shout at me so I start making a lot of noise and banging a wooden stool on the floor, it hits my foot and I end up crying with a massive bruise on my big toe! Serves me right really.

Chestnuts roasted by Mike @ 07/12/2006 05:54 PM EST

I once had a roman candle blow up in my hand because I held on to it too tight. I told my parents the next day I burned it opening a radiator.

Chestnuts roasted by Joe in OH @ 07/12/2006 05:55 PM EST

Some years back we had people over at my house for a family party for MY birthday. My brother had a bunch of friends over at the party because their was a wrestling ppv on. They all congregated down in the basement for the ppv and my mother, being the nice hostess that she is, brought down a tray of various snack foods for the boys. The party was great. Good times were had by all. Flash to the next day. I am walking around the basement in my stocking feet talking on the phone. Suddenly, I feel a sharp pain in my foot. I hang up the phone and take my sock off only to find a toothpick embedded HALFWAY into my foot between my little toe and the one next to it. Pulling it out was not an option. It was stuck in there but good. So, here I go to the emergency room. And, after eight hours of waiting, xrays, four, yes FOUR shots of anesthetic in my foot to dull the pain, and a grown male nurse bracing himself with both feet on the end of the hospital bed while yanking at the toothpick, I was able to go home, free of the evil foot toothpick. I still shudder a little bit every time I see a toothpick. Oh, the horror.

Chestnuts roasted by Erin @ 07/12/2006 06:19 PM EST

Ok, lame cop out: I've never hurt myself too badly. But the freakiest thing I've seen was in college (art major also) and my buddy next to me was cutting mattes. He knocks the little jar of Xacto blades off the table (they come sorta glued into one fat blade of 6-7 layers). Well, he instinctively moved to catch it, but the lid wasn't on. He moved his leg to block it, and sure enough, MASSIVE 6 layer 1/2 inch thick Xacto Dagger into his leg. He looked blankly at it for a second, then his entire pant leg turned red. When he started to faint thats when everyone freaked out. Taaadaa!!

Chestnuts roasted by Terror Claws Cole @ 07/12/2006 06:24 PM EST

I hope you feel better soon Matt.

Well I have two stories similar to Gingela's. About 5 years ago I was shaving my legs in the shower. As I was bringing the razor up to rinse in off in the stream I nicked my nipple! I honestly thought I shaved it right off! It stung and bled for a very long time. Now whenever I shave I put the razor backwards when I bring it to the stream to rinse it. I still cringe at the thought of it to this day.

Once when I was about 6 or so, I reached into my desk and I stabbed my hand on a freshly sharpened pencil. Still to this day I can see the led in my hand.

Chestnuts roasted by IHAQ @ 07/12/2006 06:26 PM EST

A couple years back I was haunted by the zit from the eternal pit of black evil spirits of zilch bog blah blah blah. Appeared on my forehead, and, not wanting to go to work with the white head poking out as it did, I got a razor blade and slashed a few marks across the surface, hoping to break it open. I didn't cut deep enough because no pus emerged. Blood however did. I cut more scars and deeper one, and pushed with all my force to expunge the crud. I was never able to extract the goop but I did successful burst a couple of blood vessles that created a giant red stain under the skin, across the majority of my forehead, Gorbechev-style. That was the dumbest pain I've ever caused myself.

Chestnuts roasted by inkmage @ 07/12/2006 07:16 PM EST

I found out how to accelerate on a gas powered scooter and in three seconds I crashed into a curb, flew off, and got all cut up. Fuck scooters.

Chestnuts roasted by Renaldo @ 07/12/2006 07:27 PM EST

When I was seven, I could pull my feet behind me and walk around on my knees. One night, I did this very quickly, and bumped my head into a coffee table, which apparently gashed my forehead quite thoroughly. What's great was that I never saw what it looked like, just my parents' expressions of shock.

Then there was another time when I was seven. My sister and I put a gushing hose at the top of our aluminum slide. I gripped the sides, as often I did when sliding, and went so fast I sliced my hand open. I couldn't tell you how much blood I lost, but so much got on our patio furniture my mom had to repaint it.

Chestnuts roasted by Der Super @ 07/12/2006 07:28 PM EST

IHAQ- Oh man, that's the stuff you never tell anyone. Except on websites, of course. I keep my biz-ness shaved bare with an electric razor and it has a little stubble cutter along the front, which is guarded on the top and bottom so you don't accidentally cut yourself. Except a few months ago it managed to knick a sensitive area, and it bled like a mofo. Luckily it was a tiny cut, because NO WAY would I go get stitches.

Chestnuts roasted by Welsh Rabbit @ 07/12/2006 07:28 PM EST

OK. It was Independence Day of '89. My dad had some old roll caps. They were the kind that were encased within paper instead of plastic and could be used for certain toy guns. My brother and I liad them out, took hammers, and started hammering at them. I used my thumb to hold down the strips. I had a blast hammering away at the caps, but I eventually came to the end. I didn't stop to think about the fact that I was supposed to move my thumb out of the way. It took several to stop the bleeding.

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 07/12/2006 07:43 PM EST

Dumbest way you've ever hurt yourself:

I could do a top ten of this question. I'm somewhat of a klutz.

But my top 3 would have to be:

3. Eating on a lounge chair on a cruise and stabbing myself in the toe with a fork..prongs down and drawing blood.

2. Walking into a lounge chair and breaking my left pinkie toe. The orthopedist said that I somehow managed to have the bone fragment off.

1. Tripping over a first grader who'd bent down to tie her shoe...while working at a day camp...onto my hands and knees...on the gravelly blacktop. I couldn't walk for days without wincing since I couldn't bend my knees.

Chestnuts roasted by BerryPrincess @ 07/12/2006 07:50 PM EST

One summer we went to an aquarium, and since the ocean is the best thing ever to happen I could barely contain myself. This huge, huge, HUGE round tank wasn't clear all around - a wall had been built around it and they carved windows into it so you could sit on the ledge of a 3'X3' window and watch the marine life.
I planted myself and watched this enormous stingray feel its way around the sides of the pool, waiting for it to pass by my window. When he didn't show, I forgot about him until a HUGE WHITE stingray belly took up my entire window. I screamed like the little girl I was, jumped up and smashed my skull on the top of the window ledge.

I sincerely hope this gets bonus points for the involvement of sea life.

Chestnuts roasted by Jessica Marie @ 07/12/2006 08:31 PM EST

Nate: Man, we use to do that thing with the caps all the time! Brings back good memories.

Well, I thought of couple other ones.

Once I was about to take a shower, so I went into the bathroom, stripped, and started the water. While the water was heating up I notice that mom had left a candle burning. Most all of the wax had melted so I picked it up and blew it out. When I set it back down, I knocked it off the shelf. It hit the floor, and splatted hot melted wax all over my manhood, and everywhere else. Burnt like a son-of-a-bitch!

Also, once when I was first starting to take showers, I made the VERY, VERY, VERY stupid mistake of turning off the cold water before the hot water. It scalded the hell out of me, and suprised me enough to make me fall. I remember cuting myself on something, but couldn't say what.

Chestnuts roasted by Deuce @ 07/12/2006 08:33 PM EST

Okay, I was twelve years old, and it was the beginning of December. I was in our living room, sitting on the floor, cutting paper because I was crafting (what I was crafting is lost on me now), and I decided I needed to get up for some reason. Somehow, as I was getting up, my toe caught the handle of the scissors and flipped them upwards and I stabbed myself in the leg. These scissors went about an inch into my leg. It didnt hurt, but I felt something brush my leg and looked down and saw the scissors hanging and SCREAMED and took off into the kitchen. At this same moment, my mother was getting out of the bathroom from showering and Im a blubbering mess bleeding all over her kitchen. She gets dressed and hauls me up to the ER where they proceed to put three stitches in my wound, and I still have a scar today (a dozen years later).

Chestnuts roasted by Jenna @ 07/12/2006 08:45 PM EST

I had Bronchial Asthma back in 2001, somehow it was connected to the dust released during 9/11. Anyway, it goes away in about four months, and you should be in work-condition within a few weeks. My advice? Lots of hot tea, it burns the phelgm.

Chestnuts roasted by MUNKY TRUKK @ 07/12/2006 08:57 PM EST

OK, this is from my whole family

it might be important to remember that brothers 1 and 2 are twins.

Brother 1: Put colander with big metal blade-like bits on the inside onto his head. Removing pan removes portions of forehead (age: 3ish)
Brother 2: Brother 1 is giving Brother 2 a haircut. 3 year olds do not have the greatest scissor control. Hospital visit required to re-attach earlobe. also (years later) was either pushed or jumped off the back deck and bit RIGHT THROUGH HIS TOUNGE.
Sister 2: Riding her bike to summer shcool, goes down a long hill. Hits a large power transformer at the bottom. This is a very large green transformer sitting out in the open. Cuts her foot, and then proceeds to bike the further 20 minutes to school where she asks for a bandaid and is promptly taken to the hospital for stiches.

and yet they STILL mock me for my stupid injuries.

Me: during my awkward teen years i was a hazard to both my self and anyone around me. I have walk into the corner of many tables, tripped on a bench i was walking parallel to, tripped on nothing, and best of all, tripped on a doorknob (actually i caught myself in the hip with the doorknob, but the end result was the same)

so now that i've written that down, i realize that i actually have the dumbest injuries.

Chestnuts roasted by Toad @ 07/12/2006 09:09 PM EST

I'm so very glad my injury from last night sparked a good discussion. It makes it all worth it.

I have another story, in a vein similar to Spoodles'. I didn't hurt myself BADLY, just STUPIDLY.

I used to work at an auto parts store in Wichita, KS. Although you don't get many hicks in that town (it's got 400,000 people), you still get the occasional redneck who has moved to "the big city." I think every last one of them came to our store to buy car parts.

On that particular day, I'd had my fill of these douchebags. It was a slow night, because there were some great big thunderstorms going on, and we were under a tornado warning. The tornado warning comes in later, so don't forget it. Every jackass who decided he needed to fix his car RIGHT NOW was another red neck. Each one thought he was the shit when it came to fixing cars, and that because I worked at the parts store instead of at a mechanic's shop, I must be a moron.

So in walks the next idiot. He tells me he wants the biggest battery we have for his truck. I look outside, and it's an old beater of a Chevy, nothing special at all. I asked him what year it was, and what kind of engine it had, so I could look up the proper battery. You know, one that would fit in the battery tray. He replies that he doesn't give a shit what the computer says, he wants the biggest battery we've got.

Did I mention we carried some parts for big rigs, in addition to normal cars and trucks? Parts like batteries?

If you've never seen a battery for a big rig, they're freakin' huge. I think they must weigh upwards of 80 pounds, and there is no way in hell that this asshole is going to fit it in his engine compartment. So I smiled, said "Yes sir!" and went to the back to grab the biggest battery we had.

What I didn't know was that somewhere along the line, the battery I was about to pick up had been cracked. The crack was at the top of the casing, so most of the battery acid was still in it. When I picked it up, I leaned back with it because it was so heavy, intending to waddle out to the front counter.

I felt something cold and wet go spilling down my gut, my legs, and across my crotch.

Since I'd tipped the battery, a bunch of acid had come spilling out of it. I freaked. I mean, I had BATTERY ACID on my NUTS and my WANG! Battery acid causes burns and scarring! So I put the battery back down and headed for the acid neutralizer.

For those who don’t know, acid neutralizer is a powder that's got a pH (low or high, can't remember) opposite of acid. To neutralize acid, all you have to do is sprinkle it on. The mixture fizzes sort of like a baking soda volcano, and the goo leftover is harmless.

I started sprinkling it on the outside of my clothes, but the unpleasant warm sensation on my skin was just getting worse. It wasn't so bad on the part where just my shirt covered my skin, because the neutralizer got through to the skin there. But my crotch was really starting to heat up. My underwear and jeans were preventing the powder from getting to my skin.

So I did the only thing I could. I unbuckled my belt, unbuttoned my jeans, and unzipped my fly. Then I pulled my clothing away from my body and started dumping neutralizer down my underwear. About this time my manager came looking for me.

I can only imagine what it must have looked like to him. Here's this maniac covered in white goo from gut to waist, frantically dumping something down his underwear. While the customer out front is getting more and more irate.

I explained what had happened. Since it was a slow night, and business wasn't going to pick up before closing time, he agreed to let me go home. I left through the back door, too embarrassed to go through the front and explain what had happened to the redneck who wanted a big battery for his shitty truck.

On the way home, I started to feel a tingle in my crotch again. Now, I'd heard on the radio that a tornado had touched down about 20 minutes north of where I was. I figured all the cops would be out keeping the rubberneckers away, and it would be okay to speed some on the way home, so I could get in the shower.

My pants and underwear were still kind of damp, and the tingling was getting worse. Still afraid of acid scars on my tallywhacker, I figured the best thing to do was remove my clothes. So I pulled over and pulled my pants and underwear down around my knees. I could deal with scarred knees.

So there I was, driving home. I was speeding. I wasn't wearing pants. I was driving a Thunderbird. I can only wonder if the people in SUVs that I passed saw me, and what they might have thought.

I got home and took a shower with some baking soda and I ended up fine. I had no scars or peeled skin, just some pinkness. It was sort of like a mild scald from hot water.

Like I said, I didn't get hurt BAD, just STUPID. Had I done a team lift on that battery like I was supposed to, it never would have happened.

Manimal, is THIS the longest post ever?

Chestnuts roasted by spaz307 @ 07/12/2006 09:20 PM EST

I just checked using MS Word. It was 954 words and written at a 6th grade level. Damn that makes me feel dumb.

Chestnuts roasted by spaz307 @ 07/12/2006 09:34 PM EST

The stupidest way I ever hurt myself was, hands down, the Christmas Eve I broke my toe. Grandma sent us a kareoke machine, which we opened on Christmas Eve morning to amuse the family. My sister and I were doing an impromptu kickline to "New York, New York" when I accidentally kicked her foot really, really hard, so hard I heard the crack. I spent the rest of Christmas Eve sitting with my foot up. Dad took me to the hospital Christmas morning after we opened presents, and I hobbled around on crutches for Christmas vacation and a lot of January.

Chestnuts roasted by starwenn @ 07/12/2006 09:35 PM EST

I know this is off topic, but I just came back from the grocery store where I found Jones Soda Frozen Soda Pops. Has anyone else seen these? They were coming in flavors of Cherry, Berry Lemonade, and Green Apple. I thought about buying them, having never tried anything made by Jones Soda. I decided against it and bought the Drumstick Variety Pack instead.

Chestnuts roasted by Thomas @ 07/12/2006 09:40 PM EST

I was at a graduation party a few years back, and, in a slightly inebriated state, asked my friend Vinny to hit me in the head with a metal folding chair. Vinny, trying to protect me from my own brazen stupidity, was initially willing to only give me slight love-taps with the thing. After I loudly pronounced him a "pussy" in front of a crowd of our friends, he angrily teed off on my noggin and gave me a mighty Tommy Dreamer-esque swat directly on the forehead. The chair shot smote me to the ground and I began to see stars. I was knocked loopy for about 10 solid minutes, but eventually regained my bearings and resumed drinking.

Chestnuts roasted by The Yeti @ 07/12/2006 09:41 PM EST

By the way, to answer the survey, when I was about eleven years old, I gave myself a small cut on the heel of my right foot. This doesn't sound like much, but then I proceeded to run around outside barefoot in the wet dirt. I developed a large pus-filled sore on my heel and one of those dark red lines that creep up your leg that the doctor said was indicative of blood poisoning. They marked off a spot on my leg to show that if the red line reached it, the poisoning would be lethal. I had to be placed on antibiotics and treated with nightly application of a VERY hot pad right on the sore. Eventually, it went away, but nowadays, I almost never go barefoot.

Chestnuts roasted by Thomas @ 07/12/2006 09:56 PM EST

I've been thinking about this off and on since this thread was started and I can't really think of anything except when I fell off my bike. I was probably 8 or 9, and our driveway has this big square area at the back of the house near the basement doors. Well, I was riding my bike around in a circle on this square area that is actually on an incline. I went down to the bottom part and went to make the turn to come back up to the top, and somehow, my handlebars just turn in too far and the front wheel goes flying out from under me. There I am, heading face first into asphalt, but luckily I got my hands out infront of me before I kissed the ground. I bled alot, felt like I broke both of my wrists, but luckily they were ok. Just sprained.

Chestnuts roasted by Ryane @ 07/12/2006 09:58 PM EST

In third grade I stapled my pointer finger to see what would happen. When I ran to the teacher with two holes in my finger gushing blood she asked what happened and I told her that the class hampster bit me. She said I'd need rabies shots and they'd need to kill the hampster so I told her the truth.

Chestnuts roasted by Barry @ 07/12/2006 10:47 PM EST

WSOPC on VH1!!!

Chestnuts roasted by Fox @ 07/12/2006 10:51 PM EST

I gave myself a concussion on the spinning tunnel at the end of the carnival funhouse. The worst of it was while I was being strapped onto that board they use to put you into the ambulance (it was really not that severe, the carnival was just freaked about liability) this horrendous haircut I had given myself but successfully hidden was revealed to all, so my family laughed and took pictures while tears of humiliation streamed down my face. It's hard to describe without the physical reenactments, but compared to most of these stories I've decided I'm grateful that it's my big injury story and hope it stays that way.
To respond to Welsh, way above (I was spamblocked): Lately my top picks are It's Always Sunny, Reno 911!, Entourage, Pants Off Dance Off, How It's Made, Dirty Jobs...I wouldn't recommend The 4400 to anyone anymore with how the season has been so far, but I'm still watching Last Comic Standing and Project Runway on a somewhat probationary basis, and I watch Windfall strictly when I want to be aggravated by horrible cheesiness.
Speaking of Dirty Jobs, there's a great commercial for Shark Week with Mike Rowe wearing fake sideburns and doing Quint's Indianapolis monologue from Jaws. It's totally awesome. (And just to bring it full circle, here's a link to what I'm guessing is one of my longest ever posts, consisting of the previously mentioned monologue)

Chestnuts roasted by squee4242 @ 07/12/2006 11:02 PM EST

I think we've got a ways to go to beat the Photog/Bitner blog's length.

In 6th grade I had three injuries of note. I sat on an upright pencil in the lockerroom (no that isn't a lame euphemism

I sliced off a good chunk of my left index finger in home-ec. And I busted my skull on the shelves surrounding our cafeteria. The next year, a kid died from hitting his head on those shelves after taking a punch in a fight. They subsequently removed the shelves.

Chestnuts roasted by Knegative @ 07/12/2006 11:14 PM EST

Thanks Squee, I forgot to say Reno 911!, but I love that too. I guess I'm "watching" Chappelle's Show season 3, but with only 3 episodes it seems more like a miniseries. Dirty Jobs is great if I'm not eating at the time. Ooh, and Mythbusters.

I've been blocked from posting here a lot lately too. It never happened to me until 2 days ago, and I've posted 3 times in half an hour before. Yesterday I tried to post 4 hours after my last post and it said it was too soon.

Maybe it's my juvenile sense of humor, but everyone's genital injuries are hi-larious.

Chestnuts roasted by Welsh Rabbit @ 07/12/2006 11:51 PM EST

I've had many accidents in my life time. But the dumbest way i hurt my self was when i was seven and i went with my mother and older brother to dunkin donuts. We got out of the car and i was walking along not really pay attention as usuall. I ended up tripping on this black plastic strip thing in the ground that keeps the mulch in place and hit my head on the curb. The only thing i remember after that is being carried into dunkin donuts and placed on the counter. My mother looking worriedly at the dent in my forehead and my brother asking for ice from the cashier guy.

I've always been a klutz. So even today if i fall on my face i only blush for a few seconds or laugh it off and continue on my way.

Chestnuts roasted by Nikki @ 07/12/2006 11:59 PM EST

Man, sorry to tell you guys but I am enjoying these stories. It feels good to know that there are other klutzy people in the world.

I thought of another story. I once when I was 10 or so when to a craft show with some family friends. We went over to the toy tent where they were selling these wooden toys that hung from the ceiling and when you pulled their string they would go up and down. Little did I realize that I was standing under one of these toys, and it came crashing down on my head. All I remember was a sharp pain on my head and everything went dark, then I got dizzy and almost fell over. It was really loud in the tent, so when I tried to tell my mom why I was crying she could'nt understand me. So she lost interest and told me I was fine. I on the other hand was worried that I had a concussion. I guess I will never know.

Chestnuts roasted by IHAQ @ 07/13/2006 12:39 AM EST

Get better Bitch!

Chestnuts roasted by AtomicPup @ 07/13/2006 01:02 AM EST

I broke my arm playing flag football.

Top that everyone

Chestnuts roasted by Jason @ 07/13/2006 01:53 AM EST

I was on vacation in a woodsy part of the 'Deep South' (US)... a place where there are many insects which I was fascinated by as a kid. I think I was 7 or maybe 8. My uncle had a large house out in the woods and there was a pasture there with a bull. My cousins and I threw horse chestnuts (or some similar nut thing) at it. It's name was Trouble and he was not pleased with our actions. We ran off and decided to sit in the shade since it was a sweltering summer day. I brilliantly sat down near a small pile of sand. I didn't notice the seething swarms of fire ants until several dozen of them had made their way up my legs. MAN that hurt!

Chestnuts roasted by Todd @ 07/13/2006 02:26 AM EST

I just remembered something dumber than what I posted before:

I was dreaming there was a big innertube in front of me. On impulse, I decided to bash my face in it. It was rock-hard and hurt like hell. I wake up to find myself on my knees in bed, with my face and hands up against the wall. I kick and thrash a lot in my sleep, but this is the only time I've actually got up.

Chestnuts roasted by RewolfJ @ 07/13/2006 02:46 AM EST

I used to train as a pro-wrestler and in my early days I was also doing a cocktail course at a local bar school. Being the showoff that I was I was talking about wrestling and one of the girls wanted me to show them some moves, so I jumped up on top of the bar, did a splash onto the floor, but my knee was bent across in front me when when I landed and a ended up with a MASSIVE tear through my meniscus.
My other really dodgy one was I was walking into a gym one day and there was a REALLY big bright red fire hose on teh wall and I didn't see it and walked right into in, knocking myself over.

I'm the most unco-ordinated person I know

Chestnuts roasted by Nick @ 07/13/2006 02:55 AM EST

About four months ago some kids in my middle school class were busting open some pinatas I had made. Problem was, I had made them a little too solid.

So, I think, I'll just cut it open a little. Trying to cut something overhead with an exacto knife resulted in plunging said exacto knife into my wrist.

I ran down to the school nurse clutching my wrist and had to have the sucker wrapped up for days afterwards. I sliced it up pretty damn good, and the "right" way to make it bleed the most, too.

It's my only scar.

The best part was when people asked me why I had a big bandage on and I could gleefully say "I slit my wrist!". The silence afterwards was priceless.

Chestnuts roasted by vermaxen @ 07/13/2006 03:04 AM EST

Not as good as my first post but here's another stupid "injury". I have one tattoo but it is accidental. Ink pen fight in 8th grade left me with a blue dot on my wrist. Just the kind of tatoo I always wanted.

Chestnuts roasted by The Manimal @ 07/13/2006 10:35 AM EST

Jason wrote -- I broke my arm playing flag football.

Top that everyone

I was severly concussed playing flag football, when my skull connected with our local track star's knee. Worst part was, while puking my guts out due to the concussion, our track coach was giving me the business for hurting said track star. Nevermind that I was the field captain that year, nevermind I was seeing four of everything, my ears were ringing, I could hardly walk a straight line and barely knew my name. I'd hurt the star runner so I was getting bawled out. God, I loved Powder Puff football.

Oh, and I broke my wrist playing Four Square in college. Flopped on it wrong going for a long corner shot. Not only blew the shot, but had to concede the fourth. I don't tell anyone that, I tell them I broke it at a hardcore show because it's s-o-o-o less embarrassing.

Chestnuts roasted by LemurCat @ 07/13/2006 11:02 AM EST

I was once stabbed in the stomach with a running electric cake mixer.

Ok, I made that one up.

Chestnuts roasted by Deuce @ 07/13/2006 11:25 AM EST

When I was really young, like 4 or so, I was OBSESSED with getting my ears pierced. A lot of my pre-school friends had them pierced and I wanted holes in my ears too, dammit! So, one night I was holding up various beads from a craft kit to my earlobe, to see what my ears would look like if I had earrings....then I dropped a little blue bead INTO my ear. I was rushed to the hospital and the doctors had to hold me down as they used a huge claw thing to get it out.

I also shoved a wax crayon up my nose ala Homer Simpson because it smelled good, in my opinion. I mostly remember my parents yelling over and over "DON'T sniff it up! DON'T sniff!" as we drove to the hospital.

Then, to top it off, when I was 7, my 2 cousins, brother and I had a tree-climbing contest. All 4 of us hit the tree at the same time, climbing as fast and as high as we could...I won. I got so high the branches didn't suppot me and I fell, knocking my head on branches on the way down, and landing on some rocks.

I woke up 10 minutes later to see the 3 of them peering over me, crying because they thought I was dead. I couldn't move for another 10 minutes. Finally, they helped me to the house, and I went to sleep on the couch. We never told our parents what happened. (thinking back, I probably had a mild concussion)

My dad saw the broken branches later that night, figured it out, got out the chainsaw, and cut away most of the limbs so we couldn't do it again. The climbing tree was destoyed.

Chestnuts roasted by Muppet Baby @ 07/13/2006 11:49 AM EST

101st

Chestnuts roasted by Fox @ 07/13/2006 11:54 AM EST

I was very hands-on when I was younger. Thus:

1. I noticed a knife I had never seen before in the knife drawer of our house. I had only been allowed near butter knives or other, pretty blunt serrated knives. This one was smooth. I thought, "that's weird; I wonder if it will still cut." So I ran the blade down my thumb and neatly sliced it open. I remember being really freaked out because the blood was deep, deep red. No stitches though.

2. Around the same age, Mom told me to go iron my clothes for church. Was the iron hot already? Who's to say? What's the best way to check? For me, the answer is slapping the entire palm of your hand against the iron. P.S. Yes, it was on. And yes, I did severely burn my hand.

In other news, squee, sorry to hear you aren't digging the 4400. I agree that it's gotten very mythology-based (reminds me of what happened toward the end of x-files) but I think they're doing a good job of at least attempting to explain what the hell is going on. Also on USA, I caught Psych last week. It was funnier than I thought it would be! Might give that a try for awhile...

Chestnuts roasted by purplegirl247 @ 07/13/2006 11:56 AM EST

There was this one time, at Band Camp....

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 07/13/2006 12:24 PM EST

We lost the key to our back gate at one stage (we probably threw it away by mistake) and eventually my dad had to cut the lock off with a small angle grinder. So without a thought for elementary physics, i picked up the detached metal shackle afterwards, and nearly burned my hand, but luckily my reflexes caused me to drop it nearly on my foot... Angle-grinder plus metal plus friction=HEAT! Stupid!

Chestnuts roasted by arete @ 07/13/2006 12:27 PM EST

The Manimal: So you walk into a message board that we've previously proven to be chock full of English majors and you flat-out dare them to write the longest post they can? What have you done?

Chestnuts roasted by Jedoc @ 07/13/2006 02:18 PM EST

Jedoc,
I will respond the only way I can: with the subpar lyrics of Billy Joel. "We didn't start the fire. The blog had long entries before I even posted."
Photog will probably never be beaten but this one has GOT to contain the longest entries.

P.S. I considered being an English major before I became a History major. Either way I still would have probably ended up in the classroom. VIVA SUMMER VACATION!!

Chestnuts roasted by The Manimal @ 07/13/2006 03:33 PM EST

Stupidest ways you've hurt yourself. I have many.

When I was like 4 I jumped off my parents bed and buried in the orange shag carpet was one of those heavy duty sewing needles. It went through the bottom of my foot and somehow it even managed to pierce the bone. My dad carried me to the kitchen table and was trying to pull it out with a pair of pliers when my mom came home and freaked out and rushed me to the hospital.

Treehouse. 1987. Age 6. Thought jacket would work like a parachute and proceeded to jump 15 feet to the ground... It did not work like a parachute.
I thought I had broken my arm and I was crying and I had dirt on my face and my sister laughed at me for crying "dirt tears".

And more recently, about a year ago I had a slushee in Target and somehow I tripped and fell to the floor and spilled my slushee all over. In front of a crowd of people, of course. And I ended up spraining my ankle. :*(

Chestnuts roasted by Rebecca @ 07/13/2006 03:51 PM EST

Holy crap! This is the last place I would have expected to hear a Billy Joel reference!

Oh well, I can forgive you. After all, Billy Joel also said: "Ain't no crime, Say everybody gets that way some time, Ain't no crime, You know it's good to get it on to get a load off your mind, Oh no, it ain't no crime."

Now to just sit back and watch the complaints roll in.

Chestnuts roasted by Deuce @ 07/13/2006 03:55 PM EST

Oh and I've also been one of the unluckier people to find out that when you step on a rake it WILL do exactly what it does in cartoons.

Chestnuts roasted by Rebecca @ 07/13/2006 03:55 PM EST

Jedoc: You forget that a great English major will keep things concise (unless you give us a high minimum of words or pages--that's when we pull out the crazy words).

Chestnuts roasted by Spoodles @ 07/13/2006 05:27 PM EST

It's nice to read these if only to remind ourselves that being stupid is normal. But if stupidity is normalacy, does that mean that stupidity has lost all meaning? Argh, damn obsessive conundrums.

I thought of another one. I shaved my ears once and bled profusely all over the bathroom. I guess I just like razors.

Chestnuts roasted by inkmage @ 07/13/2006 08:23 PM EST

Once I went to the bathroom late at night, when it was very dark. I was too dumb and/or cocky to turn on a light, but I knew the bathroom door was open, so I walked toward it with my arms outstretched so as to feel it. Well, the door was open, pointed directly between my arms. I ended up walking directly into its edge.

Chestnuts roasted by BDKMat @ 07/13/2006 09:51 PM EST

I don't recall knowing that we had a plethora of english majors. Eh, maybe it was before my time, or when I was applying to grad school last fall.

Psych major representing. Well, as an undergrad. Now my major is technically Elem. Education. Scary, huh, Manimal? Monitor or Moniter?

Chestnuts roasted by Knegative @ 07/13/2006 11:20 PM EST

Wow, I don't remember Pee Wee's Playhouse being so trippy!

Chestnuts roasted by Fox @ 07/13/2006 11:26 PM EST

this isn't a way i hurt myself but it's a way that i almost hurt myself so badly and stupidly that i'll share it anyhow: i was making a homemade blowgun out of a pen and some needles during the ninja movie craze of the mid-80's and i accidentally inhaled a needle. i managed to cough it out immediately but not quickly enough to keep me from having nightmares every second of every night for the rest of my life. it's a wonder any kid survives past the age of ten.

Chestnuts roasted by consulatsunset @ 07/13/2006 11:55 PM EST

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news Matt, but it seems that the next season of Rome will be its last.

http://blogs.mercurynews.com/aei/2006/07/the_tour_the_fa.html

Chestnuts roasted by Brian @ 07/14/2006 12:57 AM EST

Knegative, yes. Yes it is. I will be sure to MONITOR your progress. (rimshot and goodnight)

Chestnuts roasted by The Manimal @ 07/14/2006 02:00 AM EST

I once sat on a pair of scissors that were conveniently protruding from between the couch cushions.

It impaled me millimetres away from my butthole, and I have a small scar from it.

Chestnuts roasted by Russ @ 07/14/2006 03:21 AM EST

this morning I learned the hard way the freight elevators don't have the same sensors as regular elevators. my poor little hand...

Chestnuts roasted by bitchpants @ 07/14/2006 09:01 AM EST

This is the funniest thing on the net right now.
The dumbest way I hurt myself was a few years a go when I played for a soccer team. We weren't the most athletic team in the world and would generally drink beer at half time and the goalie had a cigarette perpetually haning out of his mouth (during the match).
We were playing a group of highly talented and considerably fitter youngsters and I was getting very frustrated. After being nutmegged for the tenth time I lost my temper and went charging after this kid and took him out with a lunging three-footed challenge. He went flying in the air and landed on top of me. I was seeing stars, I couldn't breath and the ref came over and sent me off. Whilst I was lying on the deck, my goalkeeper came over and said "Are you alright?". I coughed and splutterd at him; "Of course I'm alright, I always roll around on the floor struggling for breath when I'm alright!". He pointed to his cigarette and said; "No, I said, have you got a light!".

Chestnuts roasted by Scott @ 07/14/2006 09:38 AM EST

Hey Matt,feeling any better?

Chestnuts roasted by kb @ 07/14/2006 12:42 PM EST

I was a very young kid playing hide and seek with the next door neighbours, when a plumber arrived to fix something in our house. Anyways, the seeker was counting, and I was desperately trying to think of somewhere to hide . . . and my eyes lit on the plumber's freshly parked van. I slid underneath, and the back of my bare legs pressed up against the car's still-roasting-hot exhaust. Next thing my parents know I'm running into the house screaming with my legs all charred - the exhaust number was tattooed backwards on them apparently. Yeow.

Chestnuts roasted by Candle Snuff Fungus @ 07/14/2006 12:44 PM EST

Hey Matt, hope you're feeling better. Haven't been around in a while. Apparently the jerks I work for actually want me to do some work in exchange for the money they give me. Go figure...

Stupidest way, I hurt mysself? Well, I was at the gym doing military shoulder press (straight bar, behind the neck) and I was by myself. I was doing 225lbs (2 45lb plates on both sides) and when I finished my second set, I threw the bar back so fast and too high, I missed the rack. I was too high on the seat and no spotter. My left hand let go, because you know, it's not stupid, but my right apparently though it was belonged to Superman and held on. Completely dislocated my shoulder and tore a few things. I'm a righty by the way. I actually heard it in my head, it was weird. That wasn't that bad actually. Thank God for the rather large black gentleman who said "shit homie, you just turned white as a ghost..." which only meant I was going to pass out. Which I did, and the personal trainer was nice enough to wait for me to be concious before he popped it back in. THAT FUCKING HURT. Like seriously, that hurt more than when it came out. I was actually in tears, and I don't cry for anything. You could kill my puppy in front of me while being dressed up as the Pope, and I'd just be angry, but no tears. Actually, I was bawling like I was 8, it hurt so bad. The best part is, I had just started dating this girl who worked there in June. This happened in the beginning of September. I felt like such an ass. We ended up dating for 5 years, but still. Oh, I then re-dislocated it with her while we were....uhhh....doing "it". It was great having to get dressed and go to the hospital like that. I have no idea how to pop it back in. My shoulder that is....

Second dumbest. I dropped a 25 pound weight on my foot, at the same gym, and broke my big and second toe "knuckles". Passed out then too. But I did finish my workout. I didn't realixse it was broken until I passed out. My body loves to go into shock and send me passing out when it's physically traumatized.

I still hurts when I wear narrow shoes and walk in them for a long time. Actually, it hurts alot.
My shoulder will forever be fucked up, and it's only going to get worse when I get to 50 something. At least I can still go to the gym...

Chestnuts roasted by Darth Galvatron @ 07/14/2006 01:35 PM EST

I would like to sum up the thread by offering the following:
Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow!

I am going to be walking funny all weekend. I never realized all of X-E Land was so accident-prone.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash feels like he bent his Wookie @ 07/14/2006 02:17 PM EST

We should have awards. Not Darwin, cos every1 survived. Still... Nothing tops that Darwin winner who got too involved with a golfball washer. Urrk! I was almost an English major, but was sidetracked by economics. And they wouldn't let me major in English for the degree i was doing. Stupid Rhodes U. Who prefers Chaucer to Shakespeare? Anyone?

Chestnuts roasted by arete @ 07/14/2006 03:08 PM EST

Well I have a few stupid injuries...

1. I figured out that if you stand on the bottom of a 2 wheeled box mover, and push the handle back and forth that the whole thing moves forward. So I push it down my sloping driveway, hit a rock, and smashed my face into the handle. I didn't chip my tooth, I broke the entire bottom half off, and it wasn't a baby tooth.

2. A few years ago I was in this little mindset that "I'm an action figure customizer!" So, I was cutting the hand off of a Batman action figure with an X-Acto knife, when my and slipped and went straight across the knuckle of my middle finger. Exactly like Goob's story, I got stitches and had to wear a splint on it.

3. At Fenway theater (the theater in Boston near Fenway park) I was watching Star Wars Attack of the Clones. When the movie got out, I decided to slide down the railing, which was about a foot and a half wide. Almost near the bottom, I fell off backwards, about 7 feet. I landed on my hand, which squished my wrist and compound fractured it.

I'm sure I have a bunch more, but those are my top 3

Chestnuts roasted by Fierce Almond @ 07/14/2006 04:02 PM EST

This probably isn't my worst or dumbest, just the first that came to mind: I was brushing my teeth and one of the bristles in my toothbrush came out and got stuck between two of my back teeth. It was sticking out, poking the inside of my mouth, and I couldn't get it out with tweezers or anything. The poking was driving me crazy so I decided it would be better to cut the bristle, even if that meant half of it would still be lodged in my teeth. I don't know how, but I managed to cut the corner of my mouth with the scissors instead, sliced it open right across where my top and bottom lip connect. That sucked. I don't even remember what happened to the bristle.

Chestnuts roasted by dylan @ 07/14/2006 04:19 PM EST

That really sucks about Rome not coming back after 2nd season. Titus Pullo is one of my favorite TV characters.

Chestnuts roasted by Rob @ 07/14/2006 05:02 PM EST

I'm just now recalling a time in which my younger brother tripped and fell in the family room. My Dad asked him what was wrong. My brother tried to demonstrate what had happened only to have the same thing happen to him again in the process.

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 07/14/2006 05:16 PM EST

A few summers ago after my sophomore year at a northern california university I was playing late night four square with some roommates under street light. We had been making the court in the parking lot regularly for about a month and then complex brought in one of those oversizes dumpsters with gates on one end for people to get rid of nasty funiture.

They put the dumpster a few feet off one of the baselines adding a new and exciting improvisational element to the game. It was turning out to be a heck of a summer.

Then, after holding the servers square for a gaudy amount of time I thought I should kick it up a notch and serve from on top of the rail of the dumpster. I tried to one hop the dumpster and when I put my foot down I caught only a portion of the rail. My knee cap couldn't support the weight, turned an exterior 90 degrees and I went flailing into the furniture bin in seering pain.

Stuck in the dumpster and afriad to move my patella to its natural position, my roommates called 911. The dumpster wasn't terribly uncomfortable due to the ample amount of furniture.

Im pretty sure there were at least four emergency vehciles on the scene. The medics opened the gated side, removed furniture and cleared a path to carry me out on a strecher.

On the ambulance ride to the ER my knee cap gloriously moved back into place thanks to a hastily constructed cardboard brace.

Definitely the most seering pain I have experienced. If there is a moral to be found here it is...

Do not play extreme four square in sandals.

Chestnuts roasted by west @ 07/14/2006 05:18 PM EST

I have perhaps the dumbest way I got hurt, To this day I don't know why I wasn't hospitalized or killed. For that matter none of the other stupid kids huddled around me at the time of this event.

One day a bunch of us kids (we were maybe 10) were shooting off firecrackers throwing them at each other as I recall. This in itself was pretty dumb but not the focus of this little exercise.
Soon the fun came to an end with us running out of fireworks. (we were also shooting bottle rockets at cars through a drain pipe pretending we had a bazooka.)

Somewhere we came up with the idea that we could use bullets to make a noise...Yes, bullets 22's to be exact...Now we were old enough to know the lead part was the bad part but not old enough to know much else. I mean a bullet with out the lead is a "blank" right. So we commence to prying the tip off several bullets and setting them on the concrete steps. With claw hammer in hand we commenced to make firecracker noises.
After smashing about 9 or 10 of these things flat one finally (unfortunately) went off. Now remember there were about 5 kids watching this spectacle. With a Bang that hammer can back up and smacked me in the chest, sending me back and onto my but. I'm sure it would have been hilarious to watch but for the thunderous noise. Once I got my breath back we took a look at the steps and discovered a gouge in the concrete and no bullet. We searched for awhile and never did find the remains. We decided that perhaps this was not the best idea in the world, moving onto something else just as dumb but not quite as dangerous.

Chestnuts roasted by Wenthral @ 07/14/2006 05:22 PM EST

Hope you are feeling a little better now, Matt. Thought of this site today when I noticed the first signs of Halloween decorations/assorted stuff sneaking onto the shelves of the local Big Lots (already?!)

Chestnuts roasted by Jon @ 07/14/2006 06:48 PM EST

Anyone else hanker for a hunka cheese?

Chestnuts roasted by AtomicPup @ 07/14/2006 08:31 PM EST

That cartoon style makes me glad that I was born late enough in the 70s for me to remember none of it.

Chestnuts roasted by Welsh Rabbit @ 07/14/2006 11:59 PM EST

When I was 17 I got into a huge fight with my brother (who was 19 at the time) and as I started punching him my head leaned down and went right into his fist. I got a huge black eye that was visible for about a week. At least I had a sensible reason for it.

Also, earlier this year when delivering phone books around suburban Raleigh I got bitten by a dog after someone at the house was negligent and left the fence gate loose. Fortunately there was no severe injury or blood loss, so there was no need for any legal stuff. That would have been a waste of our dough anyway.

Chestnuts roasted by mjf7583 @ 07/15/2006 12:16 AM EST

I could only make it through half of this page before getting too grossed-out to continue. We need a new topic.....

Chestnuts roasted by Mars @ 07/15/2006 01:25 AM EST

mjf2783:

North Carolina? Represent! The Triangle Rules

Chestnuts roasted by Fox @ 07/15/2006 01:43 AM EST

Back in the summer of 1991 my friend and I gained new found freedom with some sweet mountain bikes. We headed out on a quest to ride through every part of a very large neighborhood and began hitting some pretty steep hills.

We finally get to this one really really steep hill, and figure, the bigger it is, the faster we will go. We had to be hitting about 55 or 60 (in 9 year old bike on a hill speed, so maybe more like just really fast). The only thing we hadn't accounted for was the end of the hill, which was also the end of the street which intersected with another street. We couldn't stop at the stop sign because that would slow down the awesome speed we had attained.

Now, what happens next could be worse, I mean, I could have been hit by a truck or something since we blew past the stop sign like it wasn't there. Instead, I just couldn't make the turn. My friend did though, in case you were worried.

So I was going as fast as a 9 year old can go on a mountain bike down hill, through a stop sign and skiding into a turn only to pop over the curb and into a concrete drainage ditch that was about 6 feet deep. I was wearing a helmet, and it's pretty fortunate, because I cracked a chip out of the concrete and cracked the helmet. I also broke my wrist (the two bones ended up criss crossing) and scaring up my knees. It knocked me out, and when I came to my friend struggled to pull me out. We limped over to some guy working in his yard who took me home, from there it was to the ER.

I was sedated and passed out in the ER again, and when the doctor reset my wrist I woke up, screamed, swung on him ripping out some IV's only to pass out again.

What's the moral of this story? Wear your helmet and make the front page of your local newspaper, be known by moms for the next few years as "see, helmets are there for a reason"

Chestnuts roasted by Fox @ 07/15/2006 02:19 AM EST

I only have nine toes, thanks to a chair. We had those old school kitchen/dining room chairs, with the hollow metal legs and rubber stoppers on the end. Well, this one didn't have a rubber stopper, and I was scooting my chair up to eat breakfast (I was about 7 at the time, by the way) and slammed the chair down on my bare toe, cut it clean off. The owner of the house we were living in, calmly picked it up, and threw it in the garbage, never to be attatched again.

Chestnuts roasted by Chuck @ 07/15/2006 02:27 AM EST

I feel like a total idiot for this, but atleast there was no trip to the emergency room. It has to deal with your eye, so if the idea(*har har* no pun intended) weirds/freaks you out, quit reading. It really isnt too bad, just hurt like a mother.

When I was 8 we were learning about the senses in school. I've been bespectled since I was 7, so eyes always fascinated me, plus there was a video! One of the main parts of the video that I remember was that the pupil of your eye is a basically a hole. Of course, I took that literally, that is was just a hole, but in all reality, it's a hole in the iris. Learned that the hard way.

So that same night, I'm getting ready for bed, and wanting to test this "pupil is a hole *WOW*"
idea, I have needle in hand. I had to psyche myself up for this, cuz it did go thru my head that maybe the guys in the video were lying...but I saw this in school, so it had to be true, right? Anyhoo, I remember staring at myself and the needle and my left eye for a good 15 minutes in the mirror. I f