REPLIES: 144 comments
Ha. It's officially Monday. I was right, you didn't update this weekend. PBBBTTTTTTTTTTT!!
My first computer was a Wang. I used to to dial up BBSes and play LoRD. And other fun ascii games, like that one where you're a drug-peddling whore and you have to fuck random guys and then get checked for diseases. That one was always fun.
Chestnuts roasted by Mystie @ 04/10/2006 12:39 AM EST
Holy crap, Dr. Sbaitso! Like an Internet chatroom before they existed! Thanks for jogging my memory once again.
Chestnuts roasted by Rage @ 04/10/2006 12:44 AM EST
Man- talk about a surprise kickstart into memory lane.
I hope you never get bored with the site, Matt- it's my favorite place to visit on this old Internet.
Chestnuts roasted by Adam @ 04/10/2006 12:51 AM EST
I have to agree with the above poster, this is one of my favorite sites and hope you don't get too bored with it ever. By the way, this was a fantastic article. Just so you know. It was both hilarious and deep, something essayists in Greenwich Village have been trying to pull off for 10 years to no avail. So well done.
Chestnuts roasted by josh @ 04/10/2006 12:53 AM EST
I was immensely intrigued by that program growing up. We acquired that through our first Soundblaster sound card. At that point in my life I remember that the home computer was a brand new friend in the game of life. No matter what I try to do, I can't get away from the things ever since I was 9. I spent many an afternoon as a pre-teen doing the exact same things and asking the same dumbass questions. I'm in the process of archiving a bunch of the old programs on floppies so that they won't rot all to hell. I STILL can't believe that I used to get by with a ton of 3.5" disks and a 200 MB hard drive. Unreal. Hell, and this was before the Internet went public! BBS's ruled the day. The precursor to the Internet, I wasted many a day waiting for some shareware game via the 400kbps dial-up modem. I kind of miss those days actually. It was akin to videogames of youth, I actually got outside and saw some sun.
Chestnuts roasted by Tim @ 04/10/2006 01:25 AM EST
Hahaha! I loved the voice on "you were telling me about sexy stuffs?" He sounded really pumped about it. Awesome article. I had friends in elementary through high school, but none now that I'm in college. So I feel ya, dude.
Chestnuts roasted by Eddie Lightning Frog @ 04/10/2006 01:25 AM EST
Having never played with Dr Sbaitso before, this absolutely rocks. he was a bit before my times, I suppose. Damn, I wish I would have had this growing up.
Asking him about porn is the most fun.
Chestnuts roasted by Paul Ortego @ 04/10/2006 01:30 AM EST
This is like...the progenitor species for all the modern day bots like SmarterChild.
Chestnuts roasted by Ragnarok @ 04/10/2006 01:38 AM EST
I also thought of SmarterChild when I read this one. There are a million Sbaitsos now within an AIM contact away. You can even talk to "God."
Chin up, Matty, ya got friends NOW. In fact, you have a girlfriend, contacts at Nickelodeon and a cat. It's all well more than I got.
Chestnuts roasted by Mars @ 04/10/2006 01:54 AM EST
Mystie.....see a doctor.
Chestnuts roasted by Mars @ 04/10/2006 01:56 AM EST
Never consulted the good doctor myself. I did have a rough go of it in middle school though...I had a couple of friends I hung with but it was that afterschool special situation where they just needed someone around to pick on. It seems so obvious but when you're that age and you just want so desperately to fit in that you ignore the fact that people are being jerks to you. I don't harbor any grudges but I still marvel at how horrible girls can be to each other...of course that phenomenon isn't limited to preteeners.
(amazing Sopranos tonight!)
Chestnuts roasted by squee4242 @ 04/10/2006 02:01 AM EST
At that point in time, I was a Macintosh user. My family had a shitty old Macintosh LC. However, there were similar shareware programs for the Mac. There was one in which the psychiatrist was female. I mostly just hit on her and told her about all of the obscene things that I was currently doing to her. She usually just responded with "Are you sure are?" or "I don't think you really are."
I eventually changed the graphic they had for her at the top of the screen. Basically, I just put a penis in her mouth. I did similar things with a lot of games. Like all other teenage boys, I was a pervert. I still wasn't cool.
Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 04/10/2006 02:25 AM EST
i used to do this with smart child... I also didn't have any friends.
Chestnuts roasted by cale coveny @ 04/10/2006 02:35 AM EST
nice article Matt. and we still care. and at least you didn't actually name the site "triplex-entertainment" as others would have wished.
Chestnuts roasted by dang lad @ 04/10/2006 03:07 AM EST
Legend Of The Red Dragon is the best game ever.
This guy sounds just like Socrates.
Chestnuts roasted by Jeff @ 04/10/2006 03:21 AM EST
Saved By the Bell on Adult Swim April 17th?! HUH?!! Just saw a commercial...
Chestnuts roasted by Tim @ 04/10/2006 03:42 AM EST
Man this program is crazy. I actually got a "...." response from the good doctor. That's about how I felt too...
Chestnuts roasted by Dre @ 04/10/2006 03:58 AM EST
Squee, I hear you. I went through that crap in elementary and middle school. Girls can be pretty evil to each other. I think that's why I enjoy the company of men over women.
The good doc seems like an interesting program. I'll have to play with it when I'm not at work. And Matt, as long as you want to continue, people will love your site. We'll miss it when you do get bored and decide to shut down.
Chestnuts roasted by Kieran Alexis @ 04/10/2006 04:20 AM EST
A new dreaming album, new Robot Chicken (SWEDISH CHEF) and Dr. Sbaitso? This is indeed a good day.
Chestnuts roasted by Steve T @ 04/10/2006 04:42 AM EST
Well, if anyone is interested, click my name to try the state-of-the-art descendant of the good doctor. She's a fair bit smarter, and she actually LEARNS from what you tell her.
Chestnuts roasted by Cuddles @ 04/10/2006 07:28 AM EST
Cuddles, unless I can get this Mavus to speak profanities out loud, I'm not interested.
Here is the real decendent of the good doctor.
Chestnuts roasted by Jeff @ 04/10/2006 08:03 AM EST
Man, if only I had this when I was that age. Even now, I came back to school at 1 am last night and played with this thing for two hours.
Brilliant article as always. I hope you haven't stopped caring about the site (although I suppose that's a bit selfish). I know for a fact, though (and the number of people who dote upon every word you blog and write is proof) that we haven't stopped caring.
Chestnuts roasted by mtrox @ 04/10/2006 08:08 AM EST
Amazing article. We had a coomputer when I was in Jr high. The only thing I ever did on it was lemonade stand and space invaders.
I remember playing lemonade stand for hours, wondering if anything would ever happen. I mean, the game never ends and you never win.
Chestnuts roasted by kb @ 04/10/2006 08:22 AM EST
Sweet, I have something to download when I get home. Thank you.
Chestnuts roasted by Geoffinsanity @ 04/10/2006 08:27 AM EST
I remember Dr. Sbaitso well! I upgraded my computer with a SB soundcard AND a CD-ROM. I was living the dream early on back in the day. As a result I enjoyed countless minutes with that a-hole psychologist! I think this is one of the first computer related reviews I've seen on X-Entertainment. Nice surprise!
Round this time I was learning Pascal (and a bit of C) and playing an OLD CGI encarnation of Mega Man. Also aquired a copy of this song that would play off a floppy disk:
"There's a mushroom in my bathroom,
there's a mushroom in my bedroom,
These's a mushroom in my bathroom, (apparently they don't go anywhere else)
and a lovely fragrance in the air."
It was like an old-school mp3. Totally impressive back in the day. Anyone else ever come across that one?
Sorry bit of a wonky post, but all these memories I could go on...
Chestnuts roasted by rockasoo @ 04/10/2006 08:30 AM EST
Hah! Dr. Sbaitso! Now THAT brings back some memories!
My friend and I use to get Dr. Sbaitso to repeat the dirties passages out of the "Penthouse Forum" letters.
Chestnuts roasted by tanta07 @ 04/10/2006 09:59 AM EST
I never have laughed harder than when I would use this program. Dr. Spaitso will never die!! Thanks for this!!
Chestnuts roasted by Bobo Smak @ 04/10/2006 10:04 AM EST
You know I've kind of wondered.... just how many sibilings do you have? It's at least 3, right? I was the youngest and only girl of 3, so I was spoiled. My one brother is kind of cool, but I've come to discover that he actually reads my articles, which I find a little.... awkward. Especially since we're all still living at home. o.O My oldest brother is a total macho douche bag whom I could really care less about except around the holidays when I'm required to get him a gift.
I've always been a bit of a wallflower, so I have short-term friends. I'm pretty used to it. I hated my friends in middle school but they wouldn't leave me alone despite how flaming-red I used to dye my hair.
Chestnuts roasted by Mystie @ 04/10/2006 10:17 AM EST
Wow, holy flashback! 
great update Matt!
Chestnuts roasted by Double G @ 04/10/2006 10:31 AM EST
Does Coke Blak really suck? I want to try it, but I really don't want to buy four of the damn things if it is horrible (as I imagine it will be).
Chestnuts roasted by solo @ 04/10/2006 11:09 AM EST
I loved that article. Especially Princess leia @(-_-)@. Back in the day I was heavy into ASCII art. I remember crappy shareware proggies you could get off the BBS's that helped you create full-screen ASCII art
Chestnuts roasted by Xenophobe @ 04/10/2006 11:14 AM EST
Mystie, I believe it's 6.
So how does Dr. S pronounce Princess Leia? Is it, like, "At parenthesis hyphen underscore hyphen parenthesis at"? Cause that's awesome.
I think it's clear from the constant comments people still care. And if you've stopped caring that's okay as long as you don't beat yourself up over it or drag things out in a way that's painful (for yourself, that is. It's wonderful to care about how readers might feel but at the end of the day we're just pixels on a screen and you've gotta do what's right for you).
Chestnuts roasted by squee4242 @ 04/10/2006 12:00 PM EST
I've never heard of this thing at all, but I bet it'll be great when I download it later.
Someone mentioned last night's Robot Chicken. God, that was great, especially the Swddish Chef sketch.
And if you manage to review Odell Lake...I'll begin the paperwork that declares you a God.
Chestnuts roasted by Invader Norbert @ 04/10/2006 01:03 PM EST
*cries* I can't get it to work!
Chestnuts roasted by Julie @ 04/10/2006 01:04 PM EST
Yeep! Lemonade Stand! I never could do too well on that, having the math skills of a tuna sandwich and all. Bjork, Bjork, Bjork!
We should all do something to show how much we appreciate Matt and the X, like expand the Wikipedia entry, or start a Uncyclopedia entry for X-E.
Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 04/10/2006 01:13 PM EST
Microsoft Sam says that Dr. Sbaitso is a hack. And never even finished medical school. And I trust Sam. Because Sam's good people.
Chestnuts roasted by Jedoc @ 04/10/2006 01:18 PM EST
I can do the typing but I don't get voices. Is there a certain directory in which I must install it?
Chestnuts roasted by mtrox @ 04/10/2006 01:19 PM EST
I got it working. And it has kept me lauging all day. I keep showing custmers. Thanks Matt!
Chestnuts roasted by kb @ 04/10/2006 01:32 PM EST
My computer doesn't the driver or whatnot. And I don't know why. *pines for the good doctor*
Chestnuts roasted by Julie @ 04/10/2006 01:38 PM EST
I loved Sbaitso back in the day. My grandfather had it on his computer, as he'd recently just picked up a Soundblaster (I still remember the first real game he had that really blew that bitch up to full stereo glory -- Stellar 7.) Between Sbaitso, Flight Simulator, and Ski or Die, us grandkids logged many long hours on his computer when we came over. Since my family was still a few years away from getting a computer of our own, everytime we'd go over there and my grandfather had happened to pick up a new game, it was bliss. Soon after Sbaitso, we went over to my grandparent's house to discover a shiny new addition to the PC -- a dual-speed CD-ROM drive and Myst. Things just rocked super-hard from that point on. Although I never forgot Sbaitso, and actually downloaded him and a bunch of other old games when I put together a Win98/DOS computer several years ago. DR. SBAITSO FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008!!
Chestnuts roasted by Jeff C @ 04/10/2006 01:40 PM EST
Goddamn, Jedoc, awesome post: " Because Sam's good people.
"
Im gonna get fired if i dont stop laughing at this site while working...ahhhhh good times
JoshC
Chestnuts roasted by JoshC @ 04/10/2006 01:52 PM EST
Christ, the Batman line cracked me up. Shouldn't have read this at work.
Chestnuts roasted by X-E Fan @ 04/10/2006 01:55 PM EST
i never heard of this program before but i just played with it and i love making it talk
Chestnuts roasted by mike the great @ 04/10/2006 02:00 PM EST
I've actually thought a lot about working on the Wiki entry (frequently askeds, more on the various sections/countdowns, blogtiquette, etc) but was hesitant to put that much effort in when someone could just come in afterwards and messy it all up. If I keep on schedule with my school stuff this week maybe I'll work on it for fun as a little break.
Lord, the jokes on Golden Palace are just...it's like they're playing caricatures of themselves. Do you think Don Cheadle would get upset if you asked him about this show?
Chestnuts roasted by squee4242 @ 04/10/2006 02:18 PM EST
To the people who can't get him to talk: make sure you are running "SBAITSO2.BAT". If you run the .exe it gives an error about not having a synthesizer installed.
Chestnuts roasted by Jeff @ 04/10/2006 02:34 PM EST
I very vaguely remember something like this from my youth, but perhaps I'm mistaken as I can only think that if it WERE Dr. Sbaitso it would have had more profound implications on my life.
Chestnuts roasted by Wukong @ 04/10/2006 02:35 PM EST
Thanks for the killer article, Matt. I haven't laughed maniacally in my room by myself like this for quite some time.
Chestnuts roasted by reallygeorgelucas @ 04/10/2006 03:09 PM EST
Thanks Jeff, that fixes it.
Chestnuts roasted by mtrox @ 04/10/2006 03:21 PM EST
Oh man, I would have killed for the good Dr.'s advice as a teenager. I too was alone and awkward throughout those years and could have used a friend who made no sense but still made me laugh and angry too. I'm with you Matt, those years weren't much different for me.
Chestnuts roasted by Lord of Light @ 04/10/2006 03:22 PM EST
Oh my god oh my god, I actually cried laughing. This was beautiful. Recently my dad admitted that he spent many a drunken night typing the filthiest phrases into a similar program we had on our computer while my sister and I were asleep.
It was shocking, I thought I was the only one who did that. I guess the allure of a computer sounding out four-letter words is too strong.
Chestnuts roasted by Lizzy @ 04/10/2006 03:43 PM EST
So we're doing State Testing at School, for "No Child Left Behind", and I started cracking up today, and almost couldn't stop. AMAZING!
The sad part is that this may cost my 5th grade class its "Kansas School of Excellency" honor, due to the fact that their teacher couldn't hold it in.
Oh well. It was worth it. Great Job Matt! Never quit!
Chestnuts roasted by Dixon Deeper @ 04/10/2006 04:44 PM EST
The good Dr. notwithstanding, talking with the poster kids here at X-E is just as random, insightful, and dirty. Add speech synthesis, and there's you some fun right there. Remember when Matt had an article "read' by a speech program?
Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 04/10/2006 04:48 PM EST
Do you think when Matt had an article "read" by a speech program?
Chestnuts roasted by Jedoc @ 04/10/2006 05:45 PM EST
Yup, he even calls it "Dr. Sbaitso's wife". There were a few, in fact:
Worst Game Room Ever article
Choco-Bliss article (same link)
Polly-O String Cheese article
Jaws: The Nintendo Game!!
I think that's it but I'm not positive. The fact that they were posted very nearly two (!) whole years ago freaks me out a touch.
I happened across the original "best day of your life" thread, too: http://x-entertainment.com/updates/entries/archives/00000413.html
Chestnuts roasted by squee4242 @ 04/10/2006 05:51 PM EST
Any amiga people here who remember RACTER? It was just like Dr Sbitso, but in like 1987. I used to take great joy in making my computer swear.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Racter
Chestnuts roasted by Yet Another Matt @ 04/10/2006 06:13 PM EST
I suggested once that Matt let Mrs. Dr. read one of our posts. Considering where we ultimately lead most posts, that is car-crash-you-can't-look-away-from frightening.
Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 04/10/2006 06:23 PM EST
There's a way to get Dr. Sbaitso to read any dang TXT file your heart desires. Just type in "Help". (You can also change the pitch, speed, colors, and other variables).
Chestnuts roasted by mtrox @ 04/10/2006 06:37 PM EST
I hope you continue with your site well into your 80s Matt. It's one of the funniest, nostalgic, and amazing sites out there. I think what you need is a vacation, which can do wonders for people minds.
Keep up the great work.
Chestnuts roasted by JLAJRC @ 04/10/2006 06:54 PM EST
Wow- I have never heard of this program (since I only got a PC in high school, and all we did on computers at elementary school was play King's Quest and Hot Dog Stand)- but I can totally see the allure of it.
When I first got my computer (1998), I would literally stay up until 3 AM every school night using ICQ and horrible chat rooms- sometimes I felt closer to those internet people than the phonies at high school.
Your life couldn't be more different now, Matt! Tons of allure, tons of toys, a cool-sounding job, and heaps of appreciative fans here at XE. Thanks.
Chestnuts roasted by Muppet Baby @ 04/10/2006 06:55 PM EST
I pissed him off and he said shut up and go fly a kite.
Chestnuts roasted by Omgiamonfire @ 04/10/2006 07:11 PM EST
HELP!!!
I can't get this thing to work at all! What are the steps to follow in order to get it going? I have WinMe if that helps. Please someone help me!
Please?!
Chestnuts roasted by Antenna Villain @ 04/10/2006 07:29 PM EST
My "junior high years" were spent at a special services school. Not only was I alone, but I was incredibly different. I was a nice, smart girl who'd never had sex, never been in a fist or verbal fight, wasn't physically disabled, prefered reading to going out at night, and lived nowhere near almost any other kid in the school. The closest to me (my family lived in West Cape May at the time) was in the Tranquility cul-de-sac over the bridge, just outside of North Cape May. My mom and stepdad were busy working and concieving my brother, and my sisters had pretty much declared their lives almost totally separate from mine.
Our first "computer" was this little keyboard thing that attatched to your TV set. This was gone by about 1990, and we wouldn't have another computer until 1995. The wonderful world of Dr. Sbaisto is completely new to me...but it's certainly an interesting concept, good for venting your frustrations if nothing else, as Matt demonstrated.
Chestnuts roasted by starwenn @ 04/10/2006 08:02 PM EST
Holy jeez..."Not if they can't have SEX SEX SEX FUNK THE TRUNK." That was the hardest I've laughed in weeks.
Chestnuts roasted by billthebutcher @ 04/10/2006 09:09 PM EST
Antenna, extract all the files into a folder and run SBAITSO2.BAT
Chestnuts roasted by Jeff @ 04/10/2006 09:42 PM EST
Dr. Sbaitso asked me about hatred and I said "Hatred is good" and he told me "Hatred is toxic chemical in your mind, it explodes on your face." Then I went away for hours to think...
Chestnuts roasted by Mattman @ 04/10/2006 10:58 PM EST
anybody seen the movie Bodyslam? It's great!! I caught it the other night on late-night TV, and I knew from the opening I had to watch the whole thing! It's got "Face" from the A-Team..."Rowdy" Roddy Piper, Capt. Lou, Billy Barty, and Midge from That 70's Show!! It was terrible, but so great! Face drove the Magnum P.I. car til it got repo'd, and then he got a new car from John Astin!! Unbelievable!
And I got Nat'l Lampoon's Last Resort for $5 at Hell-Mart, along with Summer Rental (woot!) and Mars Attacks! Yeah, I know!
Off to have a Pudding Pop!
Chestnuts roasted by kidneyboy @ 04/11/2006 12:18 AM EST
oh, has anyone heard of the Garbage Pail Kids Animated series? I just saw it in Hell-Mart, it's a 2 disc, with 13 episodes? Says it was never aired, anybody got any more info?
and no, I'm not making fun of anyone! 
Chestnuts roasted by kidneyboy @ 04/11/2006 12:22 AM EST
I'm such a child. I'm on XP so I was saddened that I couldn'y run the good Dr. but then I downloaded DOSbox and I've spent the last thirty minutes getting Dr. Sbaito to say horrible, terrible, nasty things.
Chestnuts roasted by Wukong @ 04/11/2006 12:23 AM EST
Man. I don't know if I ever had Dr. Sbaitso himself, but I remember spending way too much time with a program of that sort. I did the same thing, treated it too much like a human being. I was young and not all that intelligent, I honestly believed I could get a good response.
Chestnuts roasted by Aristobulus @ 04/11/2006 02:37 AM EST
kidneyboy I'm pretty sure it aired in the UK, just not in the US. I have yet to watch my copy of the Garbage Pail Kids movie. Frankly it kind of scares me. Sitting there. All in it's proper alphabetized spot between Fraggle Rock and Garfield. *shudder*
The Chipmunk Adventure is finally coming to DVD next month. YAY CHIPETTES!
Chestnuts roasted by Mystie @ 04/11/2006 08:01 AM EST
I've never heard of Sbaitso, but I have spent a good amount of time talking to the Oliverbot at http://www.oliverbot.com. It's essentially the same thing, but online. And possibly a bit dumber.
Chestnuts roasted by TE-Ryan @ 04/11/2006 08:06 AM EST
Mattman: So if hatred is in your brain, and it's supposed to explode on your face, wouldn't that involve toxic chemicals exploding out of your nose? If so, the Sbaitso Theorum might go a long way towards explaining what's been happening to all my good shirts.
Chestnuts roasted by Jedoc @ 04/11/2006 08:44 AM EST
Thanks anyway Jeff, but all I get is an error message everytime I try to type anything. I guess It just wasn't meant to be. Man, I'm so depressed, and I'm too dumb to keep an apointment with Dr. Sbaitso. Or maybe I'm depressed BECAUSE I'm too dumb to keep an apointment with Dr. Sbaitso. Damnit! This is exactly the kind of question I needed to ask Dr. Sbaitso!!! I'm gonna go kill myself...Goodbye cruel MS-DOS!
Chestnuts roasted by Antenna Villain @ 04/11/2006 09:16 AM EST
We were late on the computer bandwagon (Christmas of 96), but when we finally got it, it had a speech reader. One of the first things I did was type all the lyrics to Arrested Development's Mr. Wendell. Classic.
I still get sucked into the lonely "computer as friend" mode once in a while. I've caught myself talking to the Hoyle Board Games characters as if we're actually people playing a game together. Once I do, I feel the need to go grocery shopping or anything else that will get me out of the house and around people.
Chestnuts roasted by Lori @ 04/11/2006 10:30 AM EST
dude that had to be one of the best articles ever!
Chestnuts roasted by doc bong @ 04/11/2006 11:34 AM EST
Ah, the good Dr.
All I need is him and Zork, and my weekend is complete.
MAtt, all the work you do here is completely appreciated, and I think a whole bunch, if not the majority, of us, would be traumatized if something happened to this site. Seriously. I for one, and I will freely admit this, look forward to coming here everyday. I'm not crazy, I'm mentally stable, I have a great job, and a pretty great life overall, but coming to this sight is really a highlight to my day and has been for several years. At the minimum, it lets me know there are people out there that appreciate the same things I do.
Now that I'm in the sentimental mood, I need to get the Dr. to whisper sweet digitized nothings in my ear. ...
Chestnuts roasted by Darth Galvatron @ 04/11/2006 12:00 PM EST
Domo arigato, Dr. Sbaitso. (because nobody said it yet)
And, Darth G, next time your woman wants you to whisper sweet nothings in her ear, she won't like it if all she hears is "Donut holes, donut holes, donut holes..."
Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 04/11/2006 12:23 PM EST
Kinglash:
I usually just whisper "sweet nothings, sweet nothings, sweet nothings..."
I think it's funny....apparently most women do not....
Chestnuts roasted by Darth Galvatron @ 04/11/2006 12:49 PM EST
I have never heard of this Dr. Sbaitso before this article. I was computer deprived (pretty much) as a child. Well, ok we had a Tandy something or other, but yeah, all I played was King's Quest, Space Quest and ... was it Zork? Doesn't seem right, but maybe. It was the one where you didn't have any graphics, just a map to go by, and they gave you descriptions of the setting, and you got choices as to what you wanted to do next. Loved that game.
Matt, you could write a 25 word article about dirt and we would still love you and your site.
Chestnuts roasted by Ryane @ 04/11/2006 01:04 PM EST
Ryane:
Yup, Zork, definately Zork.
God that game was awesome!
Chestnuts roasted by Darth Galvatron @ 04/11/2006 01:07 PM EST
Ryane: Don't underestimate dirt.
Chestnuts roasted by Jedoc @ 04/11/2006 01:23 PM EST
Ok, cool. Yeah I've been sitting here trying to think of what else that game could be called, but nothing is coming to mind, and I knew it was 4 letters and started with a Z. 
Jedoc! I never saw the article about the ebay dirt jar. Ha! I totally forgot about the Dracula dirt though.
Chestnuts roasted by Ryane @ 04/11/2006 01:30 PM EST
has anyone figured out how to change the colors?
Chestnuts roasted by kb @ 04/11/2006 01:33 PM EST
The best sweet nothing ever:
Motorcycle cop.
Chestnuts roasted by Julie @ 04/11/2006 01:39 PM EST
Hey Matt, I know a lot of others have alreaday told you how much you and your site are appreciated, but I am compelled to say the same. I rarely post because I choose to live vicariously through the absolutely hysterical mo fo's who regularly post on the blog (and I could never match the hilarity, so I don't bother). Anyway, Matt, at the end of the day, it's your call, just know that you do provide us all with a service and have created a nice, completely loveable, and pleasantly dysfunctional online family. As long as you're still writing the funniest damn articles on the planet, keep up the good work, and know that you're appreciated. Thanks again! We love ya.
Chestnuts roasted by Bludge @ 04/11/2006 03:35 PM EST
I need some quick help. I have to write a paper about memorable movie quotes. I know if there is any group that can help me with some great ones, it is the bloggers of X-E.
Chestnuts roasted by Johnny @ 04/11/2006 03:51 PM EST
*swedish chef voice*
Zork zork, zork. Zork zork zork zork.
Obvious exits are NORTH, SOUTH, and DENNIS.
What wouldst thou deau?
Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 04/11/2006 04:02 PM EST
Johnny,
For movie quotes, go to IMDB. They've got a plethora of quotes on that site.
And, on topic, some one mentioned an online God program. It's called iGod. It, too, is a quite hilarious upgrade from the good Dr. days.
Chestnuts roasted by eyeless @ 04/11/2006 04:08 PM EST
Johnny,
A few of my faves:
"Careful man, there's a beverage here!"
"You're wearing the shirt of the band you're going to see? Don't be that guy."
"If Laura and her bourgeois friends don't like it, fuck 'em, let 'em riot. We're Sonic fucking Death Monkey"
Chestnuts roasted by billthebutcher @ 04/11/2006 04:28 PM EST
Another...
"I was checking the specs for the in-line...on the rotary...girder...I'm retarded..."
Chestnuts roasted by billthebutcher @ 04/11/2006 04:33 PM EST
Nny: The top 100 movie quotes according to the American Film Institute, Those are just the nominees, but I linked to that page instead of the list itself because it includes a cluster of other links you might find useful. You want my advice, though, you can't do much better than "You're a godsend, a savior." "No, I'm a postman." Oh, Kevin Costner. You hurt so good.
Chestnuts roasted by Jedoc @ 04/11/2006 04:39 PM EST
Oh, and they probably won't appear on any of those lists, but don't forget the brownies from Willow. Tiny French barbarians? Comedy gold.
Chestnuts roasted by Jedoc @ 04/11/2006 04:41 PM EST
One more, a doozy:
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: "Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy little communist shit, twinkle-toed cocksucker down here who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh? The fairy fucking godmother said it! Out-fucking-standing! I will PT you all until you fucking die! I'll PT you until your assholes are sucking buttermilk!"
Chestnuts roasted by billthebutcher @ 04/11/2006 04:42 PM EST
I had no idea so many others were friends of the doctor. I've mentioned it before on IRC, in channels full of geeks who damn well ought to know Sbaitso, and usually get blank responses.
To whoever mentioned feeding him Arrested Development lyrics, any rap lyrics into any computer-voice-thingamadoo are comedy gold. Just give Microsoft Sam or anything else the lyrics of "Whoomp! There It Is!" and prepare for entertainment.
I know the SoundBlaster's included software contained more than just Sbaitso, but I can't recall the others, as I never used them nearly as often. I seem to remember one of them being an animated parrot that would repeat your text, which ran under Windows instead of DOS, but it never really worked as well and the parrot voice got old real quick.
Chestnuts roasted by lugnut @ 04/11/2006 04:50 PM EST
Wow, chatting with God is downright eerie....Gets very existential. Wish you could save the conversation.
Another couple of Java games that might be of interest:
The ESP Game
Peekaboom
Please note, I accept no responsibility if you play them endlessly instead of doing your taxes.
Chestnuts roasted by squee4242 @ 04/11/2006 05:43 PM EST
Thank you Matt. I had never heard of Dr. sbaitso before. Now I have it and I have been laughing my ass off. So far the funniest thing in the office that we could come up with is Jules' death speech from Pulp Fiction. "Say what again motherfucker" just sounds damn funny coming from the Doc.
Chestnuts roasted by Fishstix @ 04/11/2006 05:45 PM EST
Dr. Sbaitso keeps trying to change the subject to "SEXY STUFFS".
Chestnuts roasted by Darth Poop @ 04/11/2006 05:55 PM EST
I think my favorite movie quote has to be: "I've got better things to do tonight than die."
I used to bust that one out ALL the time when my friends wanted me to do something exceptionally stupid. Considering how many hare-brained ideas my buddies had in high school and college, I said this one a LOT.
Two points and a hi-five go to the person who can name the movie and the character.
Chestnuts roasted by spaz307 @ 04/11/2006 08:04 PM EST
We had a Tandy. I was in the 2nd grade. I asked him where babies came from. Bastard never told me.
Chestnuts roasted by Jill @ 04/11/2006 08:12 PM EST
I'm curiously relieved to find that I'm not the only one who cut my teeth on a Tandy. 640k of POWERRRRRRRR.
Chestnuts roasted by Jedoc @ 04/11/2006 08:18 PM EST
I had a Texas Instruments way way way back when, but I never really think of it as a computer. Plus it's just funnier so say that I used to have a Wang.
I teethed on Frog Bog for INTV and Strawberry Shortcake for the Atari 2600. I couldn't read, but fucked if I couldn't kick your ass in He-Man or Jungle Hunt. I played a lot of ET, but only for short amounts of time. I kept falling in those fucking holes and wound up nearly pissing myself in frustration.
Chestnuts roasted by Mystie @ 04/11/2006 08:35 PM EST
Time to start ponying up the high-fives, spaz307.
The film in question: "The Transformers: The Movie"
The character: Springer
Personally, I go a warm rubbery one whenever I hear the following exchange from that particular film:
Unicron: "I have summoned you here for a purpose."
Megatron: "Nobody summons Megatron."
Unicron: "Then it pleases me to be the first."
Badass.
Chestnuts roasted by billthebutcher @ 04/11/2006 08:48 PM EST
Here's a bit more nerd lore for you all...
The fellow who voiced Springer in the Transformers movie has done something like 4 billion voices in cartoons and video games over the years. Plus, he's done narrations for a bunch of Playboy videos. What a career. Look up "Neil Ross" on IMDB and see for yourself.
Chestnuts roasted by billthebutcher @ 04/11/2006 08:55 PM EST
Went to an antique store today. Kinda feel like bragging. Snagged myself a Skeletor shaped bottle of bubble bath. It even still has some in it. The tag on it claimed it was from 1983. I put a picture on my website so everyone can drool properly. Admit it, you’re all jealous.
Chestnuts roasted by Jeff @ 04/11/2006 09:53 PM EST
I don't think I'd trust bubble bath from Skeletor. It'd probably make you dirtier or burn your skin or some shit.
.... I dare you to use it.
Chestnuts roasted by Mystie @ 04/11/2006 10:39 PM EST
"It's a hundred and six miles to Chicago. We've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses."
"Hit it."
Chestnuts roasted by Rhino @ 04/11/2006 11:18 PM EST
hey. great article. i'm going to try out dr. sbaitso sometime soon. i know what it's like to have no friends. at least where i live. the so called friends who lived around here used me for alcohol because i was 21 and they weren't. there are a lot of us out there. my best friend is the same way. you just have to take your lumps and make the best out of what you have. you have a girlfriend and that's what really matters.
cheers.
Chestnuts roasted by matt g @ 04/11/2006 11:23 PM EST
or how about...
"You're a thief and a liar."
"I only lied about being a thief."
Chestnuts roasted by Rhino @ 04/11/2006 11:25 PM EST
Great article... I was filled with angst/depression/sexual awakening in 1992 too. I didn't have Dr. Sbaitso, but I did figure out how to have orgasms that year. And nothing in your life will ever compete with that.
From the movie Go, a line I use all the time:
"And there in the bottom right-hand corner is the Family fucking Circus, just waiting to suck."
Chestnuts roasted by Welsh Rabbit @ 04/12/2006 01:19 AM EST
I downloaded this thing and the sound doesn't work, except for the "parity error" sound effect. How do I get the sound to work?
Chestnuts roasted by Mystical Chicken @ 04/12/2006 04:30 AM EST
Mystical Chicken: Make sure you're opening sbaitso2.bat instead of sbaitso2.exe.
Chestnuts roasted by mtrox @ 04/12/2006 06:39 AM EST
billthebutcher-
Here are your two points and high-five. Way to go.
"Bah weep granagh weep nini-bong."
Chestnuts roasted by spaz307 @ 04/12/2006 07:11 AM EST
As a kid I used both Skeletor and He-Man bubble bath, and though Skeletor may represent evil in its purest form, he doesn't cut corners when it comes to cleanliness.
Chestnuts roasted by lugnut @ 04/12/2006 09:15 AM EST
I'll comment again, because...um...
Apparently, Santa is Jewish, which just BLOWS MY FREAKIN' MIND!!!
Also, like our president, he won't acknowledge the problems in Iraq. Which doesn't make me feel great about the cosmos.
Chestnuts roasted by Josh @ 04/12/2006 10:30 AM EST
That was about the iGod program, not Matt. I'm sure Matt acknowledges the problems in Iraq.
Chestnuts roasted by Josh @ 04/12/2006 10:31 AM EST
Your article literally made me giggle at work. People thought I went nutz or something. Great site! I always enjoy your stuff.
Chestnuts roasted by Eric @ 04/12/2006 10:42 PM EST
This post actually saved my life! Not really. But for the longest time I could vaguely recall talking to this crappy psychiatrist game, and finding it hilarous, but I couldn't remember its name. YOU HAVE FOUND IT! My favourite part was when I would make it quack like a duck. I think it brought out my sadistic nature. Seriously, high fives forever for sharing it!
Chestnuts roasted by Amy @ 04/13/2006 01:04 AM EST
"If you loved Home Alone, you'll love Blank Check!"
Chestnuts roasted by Mizzat @ 04/13/2006 01:16 AM EST
I downloaded the program. This doctor is a sick bastard!! Check out the screen caps. Enjoy.
http://www.angeltowns2.net/missadeline/DrSb/01.jpg
http://www.angeltowns2.net/missadeline/DrSb/02.jpg
http://www.angeltowns2.net/missadeline/DrSb/03.jpg
Chestnuts roasted by Aurora @ 04/13/2006 10:49 AM EST
Thanks to your article, I downloaded Zork.
I haven't played a text adventure game for almost 15 years now.
Zork and King's Bounty cheered me up in my friendless youth... along with King's Quest IV (the perils of Rosella), Wolfenstein, and the various cruddy Apogee games. Oh yeah, and Nemesis. And Doom 95.
Thanks- I couldn't remember the name of this game and now I have it
Chestnuts roasted by BH @ 04/13/2006 11:04 AM EST
I've never heard of this program. Proboly because I didn't have one of those computers in 1992. kI could've used something like that though. I didn't have many friends back then. I had a few, but not many.
Chestnuts roasted by Dragonrider1227 @ 04/13/2006 02:08 PM EST
All I had growing up was the good ol' Commodore 64.
Semper Fi,
Erik Majorwitz
Chestnuts roasted by Erik Majorwitz @ 04/13/2006 03:27 PM EST
My memories of Dr. Sbaitso involve typing in and then listening riotously to lengthy passages from romance novels, which is where we discovered that Dr. Sbaitso pronounces "juice" as "jew-ice," which is still an inside joke today. :-D
(Why hasn't anyone posted what SBAITSO stands for? I can't remember, 'cept the "AI" is, well, AI, I think.)
Chestnuts roasted by Jgirl @ 04/13/2006 08:19 PM EST
This is basically the greatest program ever created. We have a friend at school that acted just like you when you were young, only...he didn't have dr. sbaitso as a kid..He's emo now
Chestnuts roasted by Louie @ 04/13/2006 11:09 PM EST
SBAITSO acctually stands for
SBA - Super BAsic (as in the programing language)
IT - Interactive Talker
SO - for SOund blaster.
Dr. Sbaitso was the coolest cause you could feel like you were holding a discusion with WOPR on acid. I used to pretend I was in WAR games talking to the DR.
SHALL WE PLAY A GAME?
Chestnuts roasted by Xenophobe @ 04/14/2006 01:34 AM EST
I found rather amusing to keep typing "I love lamp" then "I LOVE LAMP!" just to get the different reactions.
Chestnuts roasted by Nick @ 04/14/2006 04:04 AM EST
Back in my day we had CoCo+ on the school Big Macs (the ones with the button that could turn the screen green) insulting each other during times when the teacher was "out".
Chestnuts roasted by MillywiggZ @ 04/14/2006 05:13 PM EST
Really great article, Matt.
Chestnuts roasted by Justie Just @ 04/14/2006 05:41 PM EST
Also, you guys might be surprised how many BBSes are still up and still offer LoRD as a door game... crazy.
Chestnuts roasted by Justie Just @ 04/14/2006 05:45 PM EST
OMFG...I remember this!
Thanks for bringing back the memories...
Chestnuts roasted by MegaKitsune @ 04/14/2006 07:03 PM EST
I just downloaded that thing, and I couldn't get him to actually say anything out loud. I guess I needed to install something else. But he did make these horrible loud beeping noise, especially when I got the parity error. That program freaks me out. I just deleted it.
Chestnuts roasted by Anna @ 04/15/2006 12:06 PM EST
I can't believe I wasn't the only person who knew this game as a kid! I used to talk to him all the time and I remember once he actually did change the colour of the background for me, and after that day I would always try to make him do it again but he never did.
I just downloaded him (thanks for the link) and about the 5th thing he said was: "Do you love me Kim?" It has to be one of the funniest things I've ever heard!
Chestnuts roasted by Kim @ 04/16/2006 04:15 PM EST
Sbaitso asked me if I liked poop.
Chestnuts roasted by Holland @ 04/16/2006 05:39 PM EST
oh Man, I loved that thing. Well actually, the one I spent hours with as a 8-year old was in finnish (due to my native language) but it's pretty much the same thing. I remember when I thought I was actually talking to someone through the computer, and I kept wondering how the hell is he always online. The most fun thing was to ask him "Why?" and he'd answer "TAXI TAXI TAXI". Calling him gay was awesome too.
Chestnuts roasted by Reggy @ 04/18/2006 02:14 AM EST
It's the first time I've been here for a while, that article really cracked me up, thanks Matt
Chestnuts roasted by Mike @ 04/18/2006 09:57 AM EST
three or four years ago I got stucked by another conversation program. These softwares are called Chat bots and are funny after all (and a little silly). I prefer to chat with them than with people
Chestnuts roasted by Yelinna (here is a list of a looot of Chat Bots) @ 04/18/2006 01:01 PM EST
I gotta hand it up, this made me laugh harder than the time you beat sixteen kinds of shit out of me on Yahoo Scrabble.
Classic, man. See you at e3.
Chestnuts roasted by Mel. @ 04/19/2006 06:39 PM EST
Hee Hee hee hee hee hee hee
Chestnuts roasted by twinkie @ 04/19/2006 09:39 PM EST
You're right, Matt, Coke Blak sucks.
It sucks a big one.
Chestnuts roasted by Dennis @ 04/20/2006 06:47 PM EST
I finally backed the good Doc's electronic ass into a corner with questions and he said, -- and I quote-- "OOOOO! Addie, hold me tight! My chips are melting!"
Chestnuts roasted by Addie @ 04/20/2006 10:44 PM EST
I think Creative Labs even put out a Dr. Sbaitso II very briefly - prob very rare. anyone know about that?
Chestnuts roasted by Xenophobe @ 04/20/2006 11:42 PM EST
this s so much fun we need all the mc´s commercials por favor
Chestnuts roasted by vega @ 04/21/2006 03:10 PM EST
Great site, great article Matt. Try making dr sbaitso say the lyrics to "I like big butts". Its hilarious..
Chestnuts roasted by total immortal @ 04/22/2006 10:13 AM EST
i opened SBAISTO2.BAT and it lets me type one character then freezes
Chestnuts roasted by cam @ 04/23/2006 04:16 AM EST
