04/20/2005 Entry: "McDonald's Bacon Bits from 1987 on 4/20."

God, it's beautiful out tonight. Makes me want to run outside and eat an eighteen-year-old package of bacon bits.

Don't ask me how I got it, but to your left is a package of complimentary McDonald's bacon bits from 1987. With smoke flavoring! Provided to customers who ordered Chicken Salad Oriental or some other leafy shit, it's a big pile of nasty that has only gotten nastier with age -- click here for a look at what's inside. While it must be considered poison at this point, the stuff's actually held up pretty well, with credit for that largely attributed to its heaping dose of sodium erythorbate, whatever the fuck that is. The package claims it's "100% real bacon," which is an admittedly awesome clever way of saying it's not 100% bacon. Whatever bacon in there is 100% legit, but shhh...there's other stuff too. Naughty bits from Captain Chemical. One of the Fry Guys. Yay 4/20.

In 1988, McDonald's sought to recapture some lost sales margins in what was obviously the best way for a fast food chain to do so: By giving away free foreign coins! The "Fiesta Coin" packets each contained a legitimate foreign coin, given out either in Happy Meals or whenever someone bought some ill-conceived test-market burger with the word "Fiesta" in the title. Can't really remember, but I'm totally crushing on the confetti-drenched packaging.

I really didn't come home expecting to write about old bacon bits tonight. Life is full of surprises.

Chestnuts roasted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 04/20/2005 10:03 PM EST

Now you can go to Argentina and buy some genuine bits o' bacon.

Chestnuts roasted by J @ 04/20/2005 10:07 PM EST

Well, I really didn't come home expecting to READ about bacon bits tonight...so there ya go. Life is a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a conundrum wrapped in a Twinkie. Or something.

Chestnuts roasted by The Yeti @ 04/20/2005 10:08 PM EST

I remember the bacon bits, I remember the coins...hell I remember everything about McDonald's from the 80's. I worshipped that place and my life centered around it. It got to the point where it wasn't just about the Happy Meal junk, but I became so infatuated with that place I was happy just to see the sign from the highway.
The Fiesta promotion was this thing where you get Chicken McNuggets and one of five or six coins (I think I still have mine laying around somewhere), plus some new dipping sauce they were offering for the promo. I remember the commercial, all these McD's employees were wearing sombreros and singing "Fiesta! At McDonald's!" Yeah, typical McD's tune from the time in the background.
I also remember the Oriental promo. Another Chicken McNuggets thing where you get some oriental dipping sauce, a fortune cookie, and chopsticks. One time my brother ordered it and they were out of everything that came with it. That was shitty. I still feel bad for him to this day.

Chestnuts roasted by Myke @ 04/20/2005 10:17 PM EST

I get a lot of e-mail about the oriental McNugget campaign. Hopefully will find the ad someday.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 04/20/2005 10:18 PM EST

I have a really strong stomach.. but when I clicked on the link for the picture of the actual bacon bits I almost barfed up my Star Wars Cheetos!

Chestnuts roasted by Review the World @ 04/20/2005 10:26 PM EST

I'm eating Star Wars Cheetos now. They're even better stale.

EDIT: Vader Black on this go around.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 04/20/2005 10:27 PM EST

Matt, I actually have the oriental Chicken McNugget commercial on a tape somewhere. Fat guy with glasses makes failed attempts to lift nuggets with chopsticks, fails often, finally just grabs the nugget and pops it in his mouth.

Wanna talk?

Chestnuts roasted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 04/20/2005 10:49 PM EST

Woo-hoo 10th post. I recall having a McDonalds record with halloween songs. I cannot beleive that dates me at age 25.

Chestnuts roasted by Ed @ 04/20/2005 11:12 PM EST

They're good stale?
They're even better when you're dead!!!

Chestnuts roasted by Orson Welles @ 04/20/2005 11:18 PM EST

Hmmm. I'll bet your cats would love them.

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 04/20/2005 11:19 PM EST

Hey Matt, speaking of improbable pairings of food and ostensibly worthless foreign currency, do you remember the Barq's root beer "Soviet Union Going out of Business Sale!" promo? Definitely an odd one.

Chestnuts roasted by Fred VII @ 04/20/2005 11:32 PM EST

I know some of the monster foods you've exposed yourself to have got to have stunk more, but that bacon is the grossest shit I've ever seen. It's just a big pile of scab. Blech.

Chestnuts roasted by squee4242 @ 04/20/2005 11:58 PM EST

Them some nasty bits. I had a bag of those star wars cheetos today I wanted to throw up it made my tounge look like i was eating sewage. i had yoda grane

Chestnuts roasted by JAM @ 04/21/2005 12:14 AM EST

Mr. Mr. Mr., it probably wasn't too big of a deal when you threw away the peso, they're worth pretty much nothing even today.

Chestnuts roasted by Mara @ 04/21/2005 12:19 AM EST

damn, matt, you didnt say what they bacon bits smelled like. the suspense is killing me!

Chestnuts roasted by Eddie Lightning Frog @ 04/21/2005 12:24 AM EST

The image of those bacon bits will now haunt my dreams, thank you very much.

Chestnuts roasted by LuigiHann @ 04/21/2005 12:57 AM EST

Matt, I know you said that you won't say how you got that pack of bacon-bits, but I seriously think you could write an entire article on how you obtain some of this crap. Seriously, I imagine you must get most of this type of stuff from eBay, but I doubt you could find old, obscure food like this there as well. I mean, who would have the mind to hold on to a 20 year old package of McDonalds bacon-bits?!

Chestnuts roasted by Mike Lipencrantz @ 04/21/2005 03:17 AM EST

Man, all this talk about McDonalds makes me wish I wasn't completed sickened by the place. Or any fast food/junk food at that.

Lol, old bacon bits... classic

Chestnuts roasted by Chilipeppers @ 04/21/2005 03:23 AM EST

Seriously though, DID you actually eat one of those bacon bits?

Chestnuts roasted by Aristobulus @ 04/21/2005 07:29 AM EST

I didn't expect them to look that bad. And Chicken McNuggets in Asia? Asia's where all the good food comes from. I hate you, McDonalds!

In other news, the Pope looks like Senator Palpatine.

Chestnuts roasted by Yama the Space Fish @ 04/21/2005 08:26 AM EST

Okay, THAT made me laugh!!!!!

"In other news, the Pope looks like Senator Palpatine."

If I'd've been eating Cheetos and chugging soda just now, I would've been sneezing nasty goo for months!

Chestnuts roasted by bad karma @ 04/21/2005 09:15 AM EST

the scary part is that the bacon bits probably dont look much different now as they did 20 years ago. eww

Chestnuts roasted by shannon @ 04/21/2005 09:47 AM EST

Them's some nasty bits. You know what's funny? I am a vegetarian, and someone told me Baco's actually are veggie friendly, meaning they actually contain absolutely no bacon or meat product whatsoever. I don't know if that scares me or not. I am not positive, this entry just reminded me of that. Next time I go to the grocery store I think I'll check that out.

Chestnuts roasted by jhnnywalkr @ 04/21/2005 10:05 AM EST

Some are, some aren't.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 04/21/2005 10:07 AM EST

Ewwww, I really wanna know what it smelled like, its so gross yet I cant stop thinking about them

Chestnuts roasted by IHAQ @ 04/21/2005 10:32 AM EST

Speaking of Popes, why did they choose such an old pope? They're just going to keep dying and eventually we'll run out of choices and end up with Paris Hilton as pope. We need a young pope to attract a new demographic, the young hip culture that writes about 20 year old junk food and seedy thrift shops. Sarcasm, that's hot.

Chestnuts roasted by Kennef @ 04/21/2005 11:02 AM EST

They chose an old pope because they didn't want another pope that will be there for 30 years. After this pope, they may go for a younger pope who will last longer.

Chestnuts roasted by jhnnywalkr @ 04/21/2005 11:21 AM EST

Mr. Matt is like some modern-day Indiana Jones, by day, working for a highly-respected kids' network. By night, stalking the far-flung reaches of the upper eastern seabord, relentlessly in search of just one more pop culture artifact from lost civilizations. Even though he is subtly mutating from constant exposure to toxic fumes and low-level radiation from decades old food and cheap plastic, he will not rest until his mission is complete. Only his Woman truly understands him, but she draws the line at holiday-themed beers.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash reporting from space, on the lookout for Senator Pope-altine... @ 04/21/2005 11:39 AM EST

Holy shit, Ben XVI DOES look like Sen Palpatine.
Does that mean that the Roman Catholic Church = The Dark Side? Hmmmm...

Chestnuts roasted by Rosella @ 04/21/2005 12:44 PM EST

kingklash, I would watch that show/TV-movie-of-the-week.

My favorite new WTF? show is Krystala on AZN TV (formerly International Channel). You do not need to understand Tagalog to enjoy this show:
Summary Schedule

Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 04/21/2005 02:17 PM EST

All the more reason to bring back 4-Armed Grimace

Chestnuts roasted by Invader Norbert @ 04/21/2005 03:17 PM EST

As soon as I saw the picture of the new pope, I immediately started thinking, "The hate is swelling in you now." Uncanny.

Y'know, X-E keeps coming up with things that surprise me, and today was no exception. Bacon bits...bloody brilliant. Alliteration aside, keep up the good work Matt!

Chestnuts roasted by nerothewizard @ 04/21/2005 03:34 PM EST

I could see someone having 18 year old bacon bits in their condiment cupboard. The one in my dads house looks the same as it did in the 80's. I gotta see if I have anything cool like that in there. I love articles about old food. Espescially the pacman noodle soup. That was the most facinating thing to me. Not only was it old but its amazing to think the deli that ahd it never took it off the shelf. I bet you could still eat that pacman soup but I sure wouldn't want to unless I was in a pit and thats all they gave me.

Chestnuts roasted by Pat @ 04/21/2005 03:35 PM EST

Great big gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts,
Mutilated monkey meat,
Little birdies dirty feet.
All mixed up with bloody brilliant bacon bits.
And I forgot my spoon!

(but I have a straw)

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 04/21/2005 03:37 PM EST

Could a new CEO at the Walt Disney Company mean that "Star Tours" is finally going to get a new ride film?

Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 04/21/2005 03:44 PM EST

Here is what I got when I Googled "Oriental McNuggets"

http://www.marychen.com/chinky.html

Chestnuts roasted by Joe in OH @ 04/21/2005 03:51 PM EST

oh god...old bacon bits. As if fresh baconbits wheren't bad enough. Or even old imitation bacon bits. No, they had to be real bacon bits. I don't remember much McDonald's from the 80s and I certainly don't remember that. What I DO remember was the "Do the Arches" commercial. "You can do the arches! For the good time, great taste...of McDonald's!"

Chestnuts roasted by Derek @ 04/21/2005 04:01 PM EST

Has anyone seen the new kool-aid commerical where Koll-aid man falls down and loses all of his kool-aid. he basically died from it and got back to life by pouring several hundred packages of suger free in him and the firefighters.
We really are drinking his blood.

Chestnuts roasted by RAS @ 04/21/2005 05:00 PM EST

I might be imagining this, but I could've sworn I saw some kind of game show spot with K-A Man, Sugar Bear and another big character. Weeeeird.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 04/21/2005 05:12 PM EST

I don't know where you get all this old food, Matt, but...bah bah bah bah bah...I'm lovin' it. Well, not entirely. Those bacon bits will give me bacon nightmares.

From now on, new Pope is Palpatine to me. The underground, super secret Star Wars marketing has worked. I don't know who'd be Darth Vader, but I find this highly disturbing.

Chestnuts roasted by Dr. Acula @ 04/21/2005 05:22 PM EST

Matt, I saw that same commerical. The other character was Mr. Penut.

Chestnuts roasted by Beta-Theta @ 04/21/2005 05:33 PM EST

bacon uterus
bits uterus
fiesta uterus
love uterus

Chestnuts roasted by Gnarly and the Tubular @ 04/21/2005 07:23 PM EST

"We need a young pope to attract a new demographic, the young hip culture that writes about 20 year old junk food and seedy thrift shops. Sarcasm, that's hot."

Is this a not so subtle suggestion that Matt should try his hand at becoming the next leader of the catholic faith ? He could always deliver sermons on the evils of Pokemon addiction......

Or perhaps a cult would be more his style?

I hear that Star Wars fans make some very loyal & very fanatical followers......

Chestnuts roasted by lucidique @ 04/21/2005 08:05 PM EST

Wasn't there also a Canadian, possibly a Quebec-exclusive, Chicken McNugget Oriental commercial that had an older Chinese guy in some sort of traditional costume in some sort of Buddhist or Taoist temple setting that McDonald's of Canada had to withdraw after complaints from Asian groups? I don't remember any of the specifics beyond what I've already said, but I think it happened in around 1985 or so.

Chestnuts roasted by Steve Brandon @ 04/21/2005 08:23 PM EST

Oh, man, I WOULD be eating my new addiction (Sun Chips - no, really) while looking at the picture of those Bacon Chips.

Of COURSE Matt didn't eat them! If he did, he wouldn't be here to tell the tale!

Thanks, guys. Now I'll never be able to look at the Pope without thinking of "Star Wars" again.

I also remember the Oriental Chicken Nugget promotion, but I probably didn't try it. Even in the mid-80s, I was a devoted Hamburger woman. I still won't eat Chicken Nuggets/Fingers/Strips anywhere...unless they somehow come up with unbreaded ones. Those things are two-thirds breading. :p

Chestnuts roasted by starwenn @ 04/21/2005 09:01 PM EST

Unbreaded McNuggets? That reminds me of that one Sunday Bloom County strip wherein Opus walked into a Burger King and ordered a Whopper sans bun.

If it requires utensils to handle properly, I don't think it will ever be available at McDonald's, and I have difficulty imagining fried chicken without breading.

Chestnuts roasted by Steve Brandon @ 04/21/2005 09:22 PM EST

Wow never in my 5 some odd years of coming here did I ever expect to actually run into an equally ancient food fossil featured here but I officially stand corrected. One day a few months ago I couldn't find a working lighter for the life of me so I decided to rummage through some fo the doors in my kitchen hoping to find a pack of matches or soemthing. Dear god I never realized the kind of crap my parents shoved in drawers and forgot about over the years. I found a damn near identical packet of Mickey D's bacon bits to the one in the pic up there. I didn't have the balls to tear the packet open but from the firmness of the foil packet I'm pretty sure its contents was little more than a solid brown turd. The drawer held even more horrors like packets of soy and duck sauce from a chinese take out joint that closed down a good 15 years prior that had eaten through the plastic and become a giant mass of nastiness. I am NEVER going through the drawers in this house ever again >_<

Chestnuts roasted by The Krypt Angel @ 04/21/2005 11:00 PM EST

jhnnywalkr, in other words, the new pope is just a temp? Wonder what his next gig is...I bet we'll see him on "The Simple Life: Nuns" now that Paris dumped Nicole.

Chestnuts roasted by Kennef @ 04/22/2005 10:05 AM EST

I thought X-E was a cult.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 04/22/2005 11:58 AM EST

I've been waiting for the next food article-ette. This gives me the opportunity to relay my own vintage food story. Several months ago, my grandmother had an accident that placed her in a hospital for several days, and made her decide to move into a retirement home. (She's doing fine, just so ya know) Before she could sell her house, though, it needed to be cleaned out. While cleaning out the kitchen, I found a tin of Nestle Quik(chocolate milk powder). Now, this was old Quik. Predating both the "NesQuik" name change and the font change on the package, this was maybe from the early 90s. When I went to grandma's house back then, I'd always have a glass or two of the stuff, but I thought her supply had run out around the time I stopped drinking it. So I find this tin of Quik in the cupboard, open the lid, and it turns out the thing is half-full! This was the very same tin of Quik that those childhood glasses of chocolate milk goodness came from, the tin I thought had run dry years ago, this was the Quik of my Youth!

Chestnuts roasted by DocDragon @ 04/22/2005 02:53 PM EST

My favorite thing in the world used to be getting a chef salad from McDonalds. I mean, it had the smell of TMNT slime, and it features eggs, ham, turkey, and some form of dressing. But, the bacon bits, and the croutons, added to that lovely chef salad.....mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Chestnuts roasted by The Jays @ 04/23/2005 05:30 AM EST

Hmm..April 20th and Matt's eating old bacon bits..wonder why..

Chestnuts roasted by Happy Dude @ 04/23/2005 11:25 AM EST

I'm a McNarc. I actually LIKED Morgan Spurlock's Super Size Me.

Chestnuts roasted by Ekkostar @ 04/23/2005 06:56 PM EST

ahhhh.. dear god, there should be a warning beside that link to the inside of the bacon bits package.. traumatized me..

Chestnuts roasted by Toxicity- @ 04/23/2005 07:30 PM EST

just to let you know sodium erthobate(excuse the spelling i'm sure its wrong)translated to salted worms and its also in bologna and hot dogs

Chestnuts roasted by Nick @ 04/24/2005 07:22 PM EST

I swear Matt must have 1.21 jigawatts of electricity power hidden away in his garage to get some of this crap

Chestnuts roasted by thejyav @ 04/26/2005 12:53 PM EST

Nick- My mom told me that once.. Then I looked it up:

http://dictionary.reference.com/search?r=2&q=erythorbate

Chestnuts roasted by springsprite @ 05/05/2005 08:27 AM EST