02/21/2005 Entry: "Baby Alligators: 1.50."

I picked up this decades-old Johnson Smith catalog a while back, and it's absolutely great. I don't know what year it's from, but the prices are so low that even saying "the `60s" seems way off base. Wouldn't be surprised if it's much, much older than that -- after all, Johnson Smith has been around for a long time and still continues throwing fun crappy stuff at the world regardless of whatever company name they're going by nowadays. There's so much in here worth showing you, from the ten-buck semi-automatics to Camel cigarettes at two dollars a carton, but we'll start with this and save the rest for a rainy day:

Oh man...ILLEGAL PETS! Rules on animal ownage have changed quite a bit over the decades, but even if you were able to snag any of the four shown on that page, I really doubt it'd be from the same place you pick up joy buzzers. Faux chameleons and horned toads aren't too out of the ordinary, but the baby turtles! Oh how I've longed! Ever since that kid had one in My Blue Heaven! Seared with salmonella, pet stores are strictly forbidden to hock 'em here. Rumors persist that they're available from any number of street vendors in Chinatown, but hey, who wants to carry around a baby turtle for six hours afterwards? They're not packs of gum, or sugar gliders.

The real killer is the baby-alligators-for-sale thing. God I'd rip the manhood off right now, fry it, eat it and throw it up on any of your grandmothers to land myself a baby freakin' alligator. A buck fifty. For a baby alligator. That I could grow to immense sizes and sic on people who offend me. Holy yes.

Alligator (1980)
Alligator II: The Mutation (1991)

Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 02/21/2005 10:26 PM EST

I bought two turtles in a Chinese section of Brooklyn over the summer. Named them Bebop and Rocksteady (decided to do that instead of the original TMNT names.) Sadly, Rocksteady died, but I bought another in South Carolina over the summer his name is Krang. Overall, they're easy to take care of... Just feed them a bit and let them swim around lol.

Chestnuts roasted by b @ 02/21/2005 10:30 PM EST

Looking up Alligator reminds me of one of my favorite Growing Pains episodes when the show started to focus more on the awkwardness of Ben and his rip-off of the classic film: Ben's Movie

Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 02/21/2005 10:34 PM EST

And speaking of Johnson Smith, I just popped over to their website, and discovered an entire section titled "Fart and Wind-Breaking Gags."

Awesome.

Chestnuts roasted by Hellpop! @ 02/21/2005 10:36 PM EST

I had one of those baby turtles when I was very young. (4-ish, maybe?) Yes, his name was Tiny Tim, but to my recollection he never ate any soap. He was so tiny that my mother kept him up on a shelf. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess. Yes, this is one of those stories: SHE FORGOT ABOUT IT ONCE FOR DAYS and poor Tiny Tim died lonely and forgotten at the top of the kitchen cupboards.
I held a baby alligator once in Louisiana; we went on a bayou tour (one of many, actually) where the owner bred gators for what I'm assuming were food/clothing/novelty purposes, and for an extra couple of bucks he'd pull one out of the tub and let you hold it. I swear, this guy had a converted Jacuzzi spa in his boathouse absolutely swarming with baby gators. Totally surreal. The gators were adorable though, and I'm glad that at the time I didn't realize that my little buddy was destined to be some lady's purse.

Chestnuts roasted by squee4242 @ 02/21/2005 10:51 PM EST

I love the "just risk 25c" under the turtle ad. My mom said when she was a little girl one of the stranger pet options was a dyed baby chick. They had blue, green, red, etc. Live chicks!! Peep-peep!!

Chestnuts roasted by Eddie Lightning Frog @ 02/21/2005 11:29 PM EST

My personal favorite was the guy on ANIMAL PLANET that has the collection of 2 headed turtles.
They sell them on the side of the road in FL so, I guess it's semi-legal there.

Chestnuts roasted by The Manimal @ 02/21/2005 11:43 PM EST

Maybe it's just me, but the "chameleon" seems to have a deformed snout. And the description makes it sound more like a green anole. Anyhow, I used to have a few of those. My dad accidently killed one of them by sitting on it.

Chestnuts roasted by Dean @ 02/22/2005 12:40 AM EST

There's just something wrong about having pets shipped to you in the mail.

P.S. Matt did you see Robot Chicken last night? It fuckin rocks!!!!!!!

Chestnuts roasted by phunqsauce @ 02/22/2005 01:21 AM EST

Honestly, Matt. Where the fuck is the new layout!? Are you gonna get some people to do it, or am I gonna hafta do it myself?

That was a serious question, because I can do it. OK, so maybe there are a few things about this site that are currently over my head, but I'm learning.

But seriously, this x-mas layout has been up for far too long. You need to to do something about it, whether it be resorting to someone like me or simply reverting back to an older layout.

P.S. Do NOT use my Halloween submission as an example of what I can do. Damn that sucked, but I only spent about 20 minutes on it.

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 02/22/2005 01:28 AM EST

Honestly, I don't mind the outdated layout. I'm listening to the jukebox RIGHT NOW. If it's gone before Memorial Day it's good enough for me.
If you look at the way the sections of the front page have been changed I think you'll see you can't just go back to one of the older layouts. Maybe the most recent one before Xmas would work (?) but I honestly don't remember there being as many different sections before. Of course, significant portions of my memory bank are devoted to "6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon" skills, so YMMV.

I think regular box turtles are legal in most places, it's just the teeny tiny cute ones that are illegal. At least, I've had a lot of friends and classrooms that have had box turtles that claimed they were legal.

Holy crap! Nickelodeon's "Rewind Collection" of DVDs releases Season 1 of Clarissa Explains It All and The Adventures of Pete & Pete on May 17th! Somebody's been listening!

Chestnuts roasted by squee4242 @ 02/22/2005 01:51 AM EST

OMG! squee4242 ... You have just made my night with that Pete and Pete info! I freakin' LOVED that show... -sigh- Me and my brother still make references to it to this day. I loved when they were going to the Hoover Dam, and Big Pete got banished to "the way back" of the station wagon for fighting with his brother. Oh man I can't wait...

Chestnuts roasted by Ryane @ 02/22/2005 02:38 AM EST

I think I might know something to help you date this catalog, Matt. The turtle ad claims, "Thousands sold at Chicago Worlds Fair." The only reason why they'd feel compelled to mention it would be if it was a relatively recent event. The Chicago World's Fair ran for part of 1933 and 1934. So a good guess for the age of your catalogue is probably somewhere in the mid to late '30s.

Chestnuts roasted by Random Fact Girl @ 02/22/2005 04:48 AM EST

What wonderful information you recieve by reading the comments. I can't believe nickelodeon fianally got the clue to put there old tv shows on dvd. awesome awesome.

Anyway it was really funny because i was reading my great grandfathers memoirs and he was mentioning these catalogues and the kind of stuff he would buy. this was around 1920 or 1930. so this stuff could possibly be really old. Keep up the great work.

Chestnuts roasted by Ally @ 02/22/2005 04:51 AM EST

I just wanted to second Nate's suggestion of scrapping the xmas background! And in my spare time, I think I'm going to concoct my OWN conclusion to Cobra's Chia Plot!!!

Chestnuts roasted by bad karma @ 02/22/2005 08:15 AM EST

Matt - I was reading an article about new toys for boys based upon the summer movies, like "Batman Begins", "Fantastic Four" and "Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith" when what do I read but the following:

"Marvel's licensee Toy Biz Worldwide is debuting the Electronic Thing Hands, supersized toy hands made of soft foam that produce motion-activated phrases and sound effects from the movie "Fantastic Four," in which "The Shield's" Michael Chiklis plays the 500-pound rocklike hero."

I know you enjoyed the Hulk hands so maybe we can get a review of the Thing hands when they come out? Just thought you'd like to know.

Chestnuts roasted by traynor @ 02/22/2005 09:17 AM EST

Damn right you'll get a review of the Thing hands.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 02/22/2005 10:11 AM EST

I always loved the pet alligator, Elvis, that was on Clarissa Explains it All. But what I ALWAYS wanted was a tiny little sea turle. O.O

Speaking of things that are green, I got my first Shamrock Shake of the year yesterday. ^_^

Chestnuts roasted by Mystie @ 02/22/2005 10:18 AM EST

Don't forget Lake Placid.

I also liked Clarissa and Pete & Pete. But my favorite comedies on that show was Welcome Freshmen and the early episodes of All That. Nickeldeon played such a big part of my life. I don't think they ever put on a bad show until it switched to an all-day kiddie channel and started ignoring teens. Good thing I got Nick Gas and the Nicktoon channel (although I rarely watch it).

I don't mind the outdated Christmas look. In fact, I want to comment on something Matt put up during Halloween. He showed an Alice Cooper music video "Man Behind the Mask" but it was hard to watch because of it's age. I found the video in great quality at Yahoo Music. Here's the link:

click here

Chestnuts roasted by JLAJRC @ 02/22/2005 10:47 AM EST

If I were you, Matt, I'd send away for some of this stuff and see what happens.

Chestnuts roasted by Jeff Mack @ 02/22/2005 11:28 AM EST

regarding layout: change it back to halloween! christmas is over, and there's really only those two holidays. will anyone have a problem with 8 months of halloween?

Chestnuts roasted by Eddie Lightning Frog @ 02/22/2005 02:16 PM EST

R.I.P Hunter S. Thompson

Chestnuts roasted by cool_breeze @ 02/22/2005 03:24 PM EST

I go to school in 'Nawlins, and my mother and a friend of hers drove me down here from home in New Mexico. When we crossed the border to Louisiana we pulled over at a rest stop that had tourist information. We grabbed a few dozen pamplets and set out again, reading them on the road. The best one is now proudly displayed in New Mexico. It's for a gator hatchery, and it proudly annouces that you can see the whole life cycle of the alligator, "from hatchling to handbag".

I would not object to 8 months of Halloween.

Chestnuts roasted by Mara @ 02/22/2005 03:34 PM EST

I like the fake money... haha.. these days showing it off for the "desired effect" would get u mugged.. classic.

Wouldn't mind a pet gator myself. : I suppose ppl here in Australia have them,but prob a bit dangerous, better sticking to roos..

Chestnuts roasted by tmz_99 @ 02/22/2005 06:07 PM EST

My little brother has a baby turtle my parents got him at a place called Cowtown in New Jersey somewhere (I forget where). His name is Jim (as in Slim Jims, my brother's favorite treat). He's a cute little fellow whose tank provides soothing waterfall background for people using my parents' office.

As for the layout...Matt, you're a busy man. Take your time. You'll get up a new one when you're ready.

Chestnuts roasted by starwenn @ 02/22/2005 06:18 PM EST

I like how it says that the baby alligators are being offered at great expense to us. What did someone have to die for the measley $1.50?

Chestnuts roasted by Pig-Malien @ 02/22/2005 06:37 PM EST

Baby gators for $1.50. That, my friends.. is the American dream.

Chestnuts roasted by Review the World @ 02/22/2005 06:50 PM EST

they are selling chameleons, (kameleons?) in the mall again. There is a kiosk just for them marketing them as the worlds greatest pet. I had better get one if this is the case.

Chestnuts roasted by Caseymasterpiece @ 02/22/2005 10:01 PM EST

I went through half a dozen turtles as a kid, ours were all 'rescued', mainly from the road, although my soft shelled snapper was saved from a dog. Turtles have to be the lowest maintainence pets in the world. I had chameleons too, and snakes, lizards, rabbits, birds, guinea pigs, cats, dogs, gerbils, an iguanna, fish, toads, tortoises... my Dad had NOOO idea how to say 'no'. Never had an alligator, though. Can't catch or buy those in IL.

Chestnuts roasted by deus ex maria @ 02/22/2005 10:24 PM EST

I feel sorry for the pets that found homes through these advertisements...the chameleons, it said, can go for months without being fed? I'm sure they lead unhappy, if short, lives.

Chestnuts roasted by Rei @ 02/23/2005 12:04 AM EST

Pete and Pete on DVD. There IS a God.

I think I'd like to see the return of Roundhouse. I say "I think" because I really don't remember the show all that well. Just that "the Dad" rode around the stage on a remote control recliner.

I want a remote control recliner.

Chestnuts roasted by Jill-o @ 02/23/2005 02:47 PM EST

You'll notice the lack of exclamation points and use of bright, colorful text in this ad. Notice also how they explain the product, how it can be used, and that it wil live for "years and years". Oh how ads have changed.

...Who am I kidding. I grew up in the age of bright colors and exclamation points.

I wish I had a baby alligator.

Chestnuts roasted by Sucrose @ 02/23/2005 06:27 PM EST

My ex-boyfriend's older sister had a turtle about 2 years ago. She kept it in a terrarium. I went out to Lancaster, PA for her college graduation 2 years ago, and I was sitting up watching TV in the living room. I saw the turtle eat one of her goldfish. I laughed evilly when I saw that. Man that was glorious. I think turtles are illegal to buy in New Jersey (where I live), but apparently they're ok to buy in Pennsylvania. Anyone wanna confirm this for me???? I'd feel like a fool mixing up my homestate's laws.

Baby alligators?! Jeez, I cannot believe it was actually legal to sell those!!!! This is a damn cool catalog!!!!!!!!!!

Once again, Matt, genius!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chestnuts roasted by Allison @ 02/24/2005 09:13 AM EST

I've heard of Cowtown. I think its in the western-most part of South Jersey--somewhere around Cumberland, Glouschter, Camden, and Salem counties (bet its in Salem--its pretty hicksville there). Oh, who am I kidding. I live in southern Ocean County, near the Burlington County border, and apparently there is KKK activity in the next town over. I saw crosses on someone's property. My mom claimed they were probably for religious reasons. Go on believing that one, mom.

Chestnuts roasted by Allison @ 02/24/2005 09:26 AM EST

IN most states the baby turtles under 4" are illegal unless being sold for "educational" purposes. I bought two baby turtles a couple of months(for 25 dollars) ago and have since learned that they are probably one of the haredst pets to take care of

Chestnuts roasted by gems @ 02/24/2005 01:18 PM EST

It's 1am here in Germany, and I may have to get up in 3 hours to shovel snow for the following 12, but the fact that there is Pete & Pete on DVD makes it all worth it!

Take that all you Schwinn riders!

Chestnuts roasted by Mad Cow @ 02/24/2005 07:20 PM EST

I know baby turtles are "technically" illegal here as well (Toronto, Ontario, Canada), but the laws are very loosely upheld. Almost every pet store you go into has a tank of 50 to 100 of the damn cute things. (about 5cm / 1.5" wide) There're really cute, but word-to-the-not-so-wise... they grow up. I had em as a kid and they grow and grow... dont believe the "growth stunted by the size of the tank" bullcrap... once they were over 6 inched long, we "freed" them into a local creek..

And before you say... "growing's not so bad".. heed these words.. turtles smell bad.. horrible... awful.. like swamp rot... just really nasty.. and the bigger they get, the smellier they get..

As for salmonella... bah... grow an immune system, you bunch of hospital-living, lysol-spraying, antibacterial-soap-using, hypocondriac... uhh... people..

Chestnuts roasted by robbro @ 02/25/2005 04:23 PM EST

My friend had a pet allegator when he was a kid. I don't think it was illegal or anything (but I live in Canada, so it might be different up here, eh).

Chestnuts roasted by Connor @ 02/27/2005 01:04 AM EST

*bangs her head against keyboard* ghyjhmuyjhutyuyj!
Don't you people watch Animal Planet?? Do you know how much trouble pet alligators cause??
*still thinks they're neat though*

Chestnuts roasted by Bitchick @ 02/27/2005 03:04 AM EST

they sell those baby turtles down here in Florida...

Chestnuts roasted by dX927 @ 02/27/2005 11:54 PM EST

just commenting on when your magazine was from. RandomFactsGirl said it was circa the 30s which is too off, seeing as during that time people were probably more worried about the great depression than horned toads. I have alot of my father's old comics from the late fifties and I would have to say that the price and style of ads look about the same, yours might be even a few years earlier, who knows.

Chestnuts roasted by chazbot @ 02/28/2005 03:36 PM EST

sending "pets" through the mail... that's wrong and cruel. i remember i once got an ant farm and it came with a mail in certificate for free ants by mail. they arrived to me in a little plastic tube.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt9 @ 02/28/2005 06:53 PM EST

forget about the amnimals, what about that phony money?
the text is hillarious!

"effect created will be found to be all that can be desired."

let's just pretend that we understand this fortune cookie grammar for sec.
and ponder what people these days might think if you were flashing a wad of money instead of paying plastic. i suppose it still comes in as a good gag though...

"hey Harry i hears ya got mugged?"

"yeah Frankie but the jokes on them! oh-ho!"

PS
speaking of oh-ho, well more just the ho and more specifially the ho x3... x-mas is over!

Chestnuts roasted by mc pee pants @ 03/02/2005 12:27 AM EST

I live in SW Ohio and down near Cincy, you can buy baby turtles for 5 bucks in the summer (or 10 in the winter). The funny part is watching how many parents buy them for kids, only to have the kids get bored with them before they leave the flea market. One time I saw this kid flip out b/c they had left her turtles on someone's table, so the parents ran to buy her 2 more. God, 4 turtles in one day! Hehe

Chestnuts roasted by Jenn @ 03/02/2005 11:31 PM EST

Still Banned

Chestnuts roasted by klatubaradanikto @ 03/04/2005 04:18 PM EST

Finally un-banned after 18 months or did my ip# change when I moved offices?

I had one of those water turtles for about 4 years. We had a fountain in the back yard and he lived in there. I'd drain it in the winter and never see the little bugger. Then we'd fill it up again in spring and he'd come swimming out. One year my dad drained it in the summer and left it empty for a couple of weeks and the poor thing dried up. Kind of cool that it could go 4 months without water.

Chestnuts roasted by klatubaradanikto @ 03/04/2005 04:56 PM EST

My brother had gotten pet tadpoles through the mail called "grow a frog" and I bought 2 baby red ear turtles from a pet store 2 years ago, the way they worked it was they sell you the food and kick the turtles in for free. They did get shut down recently though.

Chestnuts roasted by Byrd man @ 03/15/2005 07:30 PM EST

omg I am soo happy that Clarissa explains it all is going to be on DVD I loved that show when i was little

Chestnuts roasted by WOOt @ 03/17/2005 03:08 PM EST

I have news for you. Not only could you get alligators out of comic books but as late as the late 1960s you could buy them in department store pet shops. Does anyone even remember when department stores HAD pet shops?

In my town (Yonkers, NY) there was a Woolworth's, an H.L. Green's and a W.T. Grant's. (They liked initials in those days.) I think we bought our gator from Grant's. It was actually a caiman from South America. I forget what we ended up doing with it but I'm pretty sure we didn't make a pair of shoes out of it.

Chestnuts roasted by Rocketeer @ 03/19/2005 09:43 PM EST

hehe. yonkers

Chestnuts roasted by that guy @ 03/20/2005 01:08 PM EST