12/11/2004 Entry: "Nice e-mail."

I just got this very nice e-mail from Nicole, a reader from parts unknown...

"Hi Matt, I just posted this in my LiveJournal and thought I should send it to you, too.

Before I start this, I'd just like to say that Christmas has never been about Christ for me. Ever. It isn't even really his birthday, people. Christmas for me is about getting the whole family together for a party, putting up the Christmas tree and decorations, eating good food until you blow up, listening to carols and watching holiday specials, and of course the presents. Fuck Christ. Christmas has always been nonsecular for me, and I shall continue to celebrate it as such. When I was a kid, I LOVED Christmas. Hands down, it was my favorite holiday. Even as I got older, even as some of the fun started to drain out of the holiday, I still loved it. Until a few years ago, when I started hating Christmas.

As a kid, I'd be up at like 3am on Christmas morning, checking out the presents, trying to figure out what I'd gotten. Out there with a flashlight, figuring out who got the most, who got the biggest, what was in my stocking. Something I got my brother into doing. And then one year, he came in to get me, and I decided sleep was more important than presents and told him to go away. That was the year I realized Christmas just wasn't the same anymore.

As my brother and I got older, our parents had less money. They were paying for my college. My mother quit her job and took one with less hours and less pay. My dad stopped getting overtime. So Christmas morning's great present opening ceremony got shorter and shorter and shorter. Even my extended family had less money, which meant less presents. As selfish as it sounds, it was disappointing. No one's fault, but disappointing all the same. It wouldn't have been such a big deal if things had always been like that. It was the change that was the disappointment.

One year, I asked for money. And I got it. And I realized how much Christmas sucks when you have stocking stuffers and one present to open. I don't even think I used the money for myself, either. I think I used it for bills. That was a huge blow to my Christmas spirit.

The worst was when I got into a huge fight with my family on Christmas Eve a couple years ago. I had to work at Price Chopper that night, and I was pissed because when I was hired I told them I couldn't work holidays. Yet I got stuck working until like 9:00. Fucking Price Chopper. Anyway, so I get home, hungry because I never had money to buy myself food while I was working. And...my brother is on the computer as usual, and my parents are nowhere to be found. Now, my dad is never home anyway. He pretty much works two jobs, especially since his overtime got eliminated. So I come home, expecting that finally my whole family will be home and we can do something together (after all, it IS Christmas)...and no one's home but my brother. And he could care less about anything but being on the computer. So I ask him where my parents are, and he says they're over at my Mom's parents' having oyster soup.

I got pissed. I hate oysters. And there was pretty much nothing that I could eat at the house, because all the food was for the party tomorrow and I wasn't allowed to touch anything. And I wanted them to be home, dammit. So I called over there, and my mother answered, and I was half kidding around bitching at her for not being home, and what the hell am I going to eat--that's the way we usually communicate with each other. But apparently the fact that I was pissed came across because she thought I was really bitching at her. And then I find out I'm on fucking speakerphone. So my father, and my grandparents, are hearing me completely bitching out my mother.

So not long after they come home, and I'm embarrassed because I had no idea I was on speakerphone, and I didn't really mean to yell at Mom but I was pissed because I ended up making a goddamn grilled cheese sandwich because that's all there was I could eat...and Dad starts SCREAMING at me. And then Mom chimed in, of course. And they guilted me about how my grandparents overheard me. So I ended up bursting into tears and spending the rest of the night in my room. And the next day, everyone was still pissed at me. On fucking Christmas. All because I wanted to spend Christmas Eve with my family. I'm fucking in tears right now thinking about that whole mess.

That was when I decided that Christmas fucking sucked and I hated it and I didn't care anymore.

The Christmases after that I don't even remember. I just didn't care anymore. I went through the motions. I suffered through the annual good-natured fight my family has over decorating the tree. I used to send Christmas cards with letters inside saying what I'd been up to the past year...I just sent out the stupid cards. I opened my presents, I gave presents, whatever. I didn't give a fuck about anything having to do with Christmas anymore.

And now, it's December 11th. And I can't explain it, but my Christmas spirit is back this year. Maybe it's because I'm really excited about finally having a bit of money to spare to get everyone Christmas presents. Maybe because I'm glad my grandfather is still around this year. Maybe because I have a great boyfriend and we've been together almost six months now, and I'm still as happy as I ever get. Maybe because I caught a bit of Charlie Brown's Christmas the other night on TV. Maybe because I'm not working at Price Chopper so I don't have to listen to Christmas carols from Thanksgiving till New Year's.

But I really think it has a lot to do with X-Entertainment, and Matt, and his love of the holiday season and all the nostalgic Christmas stuff on his site. After Thanksgiving I started reading his Advent calendar and stuff from last year, and I remembered the time when I loved Christmas with all that I was. And he has this absolutely awesome downloadable list of Christmas music, which you should all go to his site and get because it's great. And I realized, I really don't have a reason to hate Christmas. Okay, so I had one bad year. Okay, so it's not the same as it was when I was a kid...but nothing is. I can still enjoy it. I can still be Christmassy.

So thanks, Matt. Thanks for renewing my Christmas spirit. Thanks for reminding me what the holiday season is all about...candy, and weird Christmas items, and old commercials, and epic advent calendars. Thank you."

No, Nicole, thank YOU. It's nice to know people care, it's nice to know people feel the same. This holiday season has been really tough for a variety of reasons, some personal, most superficial. And, with things being so much different this year for me than they've ever been before, it's been really difficult to keep up with the site, especially during the holiday season when there's a thousand things to do and a thousand things going on. To be perfectly honest, there has already been a few times where I've opted to skip out on "fun" to take care of my "responsibilities" here. There's been times when I wonder why I keep doing this, especially now that I could easily close up shop and ride into the sunset confident that I've done most of what I wanted to do on here and ended up where I wanted to be in life. You know, theoretically/halfway/something something. As tough as it's become to do this, I love it, and am willing to sacrifice the little free time I have, like these here Saturdays, to continue. I can look at my traffic stats and know that people are watching, but numbers are just that. E-mails like this are moving and motivating, and to be frank, there's nothing I need more than that right now. Gracias.

Speaking of motivation, the Advent will be brought up to date today. The Advert has already been updated, check it out.