What you see above is no illusion -- they are indeed Santa Pens. Santa Pens, a rare ballpoint species from up guess which direction, come in many shapes and sizes. They're like people with ink inside. Perhaps they're more like squid. They're mystical creatures in any event, capable of enormous feats and fantastic Christmas miracles. This of course is a cheap way to remind you that the Advent and Advert Calendars have been updated for December 8th, with weird sticks and Hallmark Cards. You walked right into that one, dolt. Now you will pay the old fashioned way.
One of the Santa Pens is of the boxing variety, which is to say, he'll throw jabs with the push of a mildly concealed lever above his ass. He's wearing his championship white gloves, so you know his skillet be sizzlin. The other Santa Pen reacts to the first Santa Pen's Pen Powers the way any Santa Pen without boxing ability would: by bulging his eyes out in tribute to the only scene from Total Recall I can firmly remember besides the classic "three hands" gag. And, for some reason, I remember that dying, gasping goldfish pretty well, too. Glup bulp glub gasp. Dead fish. Bad man. Cut to tired midget sucking wind out of a fan. I love Santa Pens.
REPLIES: 53 comments
The santa pen on the right is rather frightning, in an oddly hypnotic way...YAY for Santa parifinalia (I can't spell)
TTFN
Sarah
Chestnuts roasted by Sarah @ 12/07/2004 09:28 PM EST
I only just noticed on your Advert Calendar that you have an Energizer Ad with Jacko, i thought that was only an Australian Thing?? He is not as popular here as he used to be, at the moment he is doing an RSL Club (Retired Services) tour with another famous Australian, Mark "Chopper" Read who is a notorius hitman/killer, gee we have great Role models here in Oz huh? Anyone seen the Movie "Chopper" in the U.S.??? It has Eric Bana in it?
Chestnuts roasted by Grant @ 12/07/2004 09:35 PM EST
1st comment here but long time visitor. Great holiday site, really top notch. The best part of the holidays is watching the old 80's tapes with those commercials.
Chestnuts roasted by Charlie @ 12/07/2004 10:04 PM EST
I wonder if the bulging eyes santa's worried that the boxing one will K.O it to hell. There's only room for one santa.
Yesterdays Advent calander left me with a question of "Where'd Matt get that little sushi bar?" before I realized it was a sushi bar I suspected it mighta been the Mos Eisley bar from Star Wars, but they didnt have a revolving belt and japanese food. But I remembered what does, the....Bratz? Tokyo toy series for skanky little girls. Then I was wondering why'd Matt get that, but for several reasons that I would never think of, I thought of one "Who could resist a minuture sushi bar?"
Chestnuts roasted by James @ 12/07/2004 10:08 PM EST
Matt, where do you freaking get the time or energy to make all of this stuff?
Chestnuts roasted by RonC @ 12/07/2004 10:23 PM EST
I can just imagine the creative process that led up to this year's advent calendar.
MATT: You know, last year's production was good, but it didn't have that "total mindfuck" quality I was going for. How can I make the entire thing even more surreal? I know! Stormtrooper lego figures!
Someday, Matt, you're going to make a therapist very rich. Also, is it just me, or is Mare's halo becoming a bit tarnished?
Chestnuts roasted by Jedoc @ 12/07/2004 10:57 PM EST
I hereby offer the sum of one fuck to the person who makes Waiterbot explode. Ha its true Mare is less like a cherub all of a sudden!
Chestnuts roasted by Pat @ 12/07/2004 11:42 PM EST
All hail the Hypno-Santa. Long Live Hypno-Santa. Yea Yea.
Chestnuts roasted by Tempil @ 12/08/2004 12:26 AM EST
Okay, I don't comment much but I have to say that this year's advent calendar is a fucking epic. It's pure genius and leaves me begging for more each day. Last year I'd do them in chunks every few days or so, this year I'm up on the site around midnight. Keep doin' what you're doin'.
Chestnuts roasted by Tenchi @ 12/08/2004 12:26 AM EST
Yikes, they're both kinda creepy..
Chestnuts roasted by Cyanyde @ 12/08/2004 01:11 AM EST
Can't say I'd want either of these in my home. Creepy. They belong in the Halloween countdown.
Chestnuts roasted by Shelby @ 12/08/2004 01:19 AM EST
I too, have noticed Mare bursting at the seams so to speak...though she's becoming more like her bumbling Stormtrooper friends than the Evil Incarnate she was the past couple years.
Chestnuts roasted by The Dragon @ 12/08/2004 01:25 AM EST
Help me...
Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 12/08/2004 03:00 AM EST
Haha! James knows a little too much about the Bratz collection. And "skanky little girls" for that matter...
Chestnuts roasted by Calypso @ 12/08/2004 04:22 AM EST
Both of those Santa pens frighten me beyond words. This is why I'm so confused by my uncontrollable urge to own them both. Must have them!
Chestnuts roasted by DoMifer @ 12/08/2004 05:53 AM EST
I saw a number of keychains and stuff with those same bulging eyes, a few years ago. I nicknamed them "Animutation action figures." I never got to buy one, though, so I'm glad this Santa thing is around to snap up.
Chestnuts roasted by G'Tron @ 12/08/2004 06:06 AM EST
Eintein is a Krang wannabe.
Loving the advent calendar, Matt!
Chestnuts roasted by Muppet Baby @ 12/08/2004 08:39 AM EST
I could take Santa
Chestnuts roasted by Mr. T @ 12/08/2004 11:16 AM EST
Sis is on her plane back to Iraq as I type, but today's Advent chapter helps the mood a bit. I'm with the consensus that Mare is starting to recover from being dead. I think I know why she is so evil, usually: there is a really big skeleton jammed into that little body. That'd make anyone cranky, I don't care who you are.
Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 12/08/2004 11:31 AM EST
Santa looks like he's doing weed or ate a few Guatamalen Insanity Peppers.
Chestnuts roasted by AngeFaitore @ 12/08/2004 11:46 AM EST
Santa's eyes look like Dippin' Dots.
Great job on the Advent Calendar. LMAO at Mare wearing the sushi on her face. She looked like Little Orphan Annie. Waiterbot is going to get his ass kicked. Just wait until the Mare-claws come out.
Chestnuts roasted by trajeal @ 12/08/2004 12:43 PM EST
Holly Hell and Santa's Bells this years advent calendar is the shit. I haven't laughed so hard at one single thing in a bit. Thanks Matt for making my work day more bearable.
Matt Rules!!!
Chestnuts roasted by thenewt4u @ 12/08/2004 01:23 PM EST
Another awesome entry once again!
And both "Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown" and "Charlie Brown Christmas Tales" were both on ABC last night, and they were wonderful as always...and this was the first time I saw the Christmas Tales special too. Oh, and the newest special "I Want A Dog For Christmas, Charlie Brown" will be on ABC NEXT tuesday at 8pm est.
And Matt, where does someone like me find the Playmobil Advent Calendar anyway?
Chestnuts roasted by Invader Norbert @ 12/08/2004 02:30 PM EST
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0290978/quotes
David Brent: What's the weather like up there?
Nathan 'Oggy: Oh I've heard that before.
David Brent: They must have put you in a grow bag when you were little did they?
Nathan 'Oggy: That's an old one.
David Brent: Let's grow ourselves a big lanky goggle-eyed freak of a son.
Nathan 'Oggy: Alright calm down mate, there's no need to get offensive.
David Brent: No no, I was joining in...
Nathan 'Oggy: I didn't call you fatty as soon as I saw you.
David Brent: No I was joining in with...
Nathan 'Oggy: Just don't have a go at the eyes, cos that is a astigmatism I've had from the age of five, so that's what make them a bit bulbous, so don't just... I didn't call you the whale-man or like blubber-man.
Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 12/08/2004 03:20 PM EST
Ignore the "a" before "astigmatism" since I was trying to correct the quote in a hurry.
Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 12/08/2004 03:23 PM EST
These pens are the true meaning of Christmas. How can anyone ever bash and make fun of such a good Christian as Saint Nicholas, be it in pen form or any other contour. I hope these pens explode with a furry not unlike judgment day into your obviously jaded and demonized eyes.
Chestnuts roasted by Bobby Sox @ 12/08/2004 05:07 PM EST
i like these snowman smileys from aol. have you seen that xmas tree superbuddy icon they have on there? he speaks german! hes a frickin nazi tree! stupid aol
Chestnuts roasted by Froigen @ 12/08/2004 05:43 PM EST
German tree? OOHH NEIN!
Chestnuts roasted by Hilda @ 12/08/2004 05:49 PM EST
I don't know. The boxing pen isn't so bad, though I can't imagine he can see what he's hitting with those pinhead-sized eyes. The eye one is just wrong. It's too weird for words. Looks like Large Marge in a Santa Claus suit.
And so, Mare starts to reveal her true self in the latest installment of everyone's favorite ongoing Playmobil saga. What are they going to do to Waiterbot? Will it be repeatable in a public fornum? And how long will it take for Mare to snap...or at least get tired of playing good girl for two slightly nutty "Star Wars" rejects? (Extra points, Matt, for giving the Stormtroopers vaguely "Star Wars"-esque names.)
Chestnuts roasted by starwenn @ 12/08/2004 06:37 PM EST
I guarantee you there's at least one more Mare Winningham in that calender. Probably waiting to be spawned so it can bring resurrected Mare back to the dark side where she belongs.
Chestnuts roasted by A-wel Cruiz @ 12/08/2004 07:25 PM EST
I got those Cinderella mice Christmas ornaments from McD's. Of course, they're old and chewed up now, but they're still great.
Chestnuts roasted by JLAJRC @ 12/08/2004 10:14 PM EST
*Gasp*
TWO MARES!!!!!
Chestnuts roasted by The Lesser Matt @ 12/08/2004 10:40 PM EST
I knew it the Evil Mare has returned *bows to the true Queen of advent* She better get sexy with the Kuse and knacks.....LoL Oh and good mare is dead!!!
Chestnuts roasted by LordSorrow @ 12/08/2004 10:45 PM EST
Please don't let me be the only one who misread the headline of this article as "Santa Penis."
Chestnuts roasted by Hellpop! @ 12/08/2004 10:57 PM EST
Just out of curiousity, is there a place where one can read the Advent Calendar from two years ago? I went back and reread last year's, but I missed the one before that and thus feel left out of references to it.
Chestnuts roasted by Mara @ 12/08/2004 11:56 PM EST
Never mind, I gladly put my foot in my mouth. I typed "advent 2002" into the search and there it is. Why would I try something so logical? I don't know either.
Chestnuts roasted by Mara @ 12/09/2004 12:21 AM EST
2 Mares!! Excellent.... I hope I can handle all the insanity that is sure to follow Dec. 9th's entry.
Matt rocks...so do(es) Mare(s)!
Chestnuts roasted by Muppet Baby @ 12/09/2004 01:17 AM EST
Lol, Matt! So there WAS a second Mare! The plot thickens!
But why would Mare be so upset about having a twin? Were they former lovers with a harsh break-up? Did one steal the other's boyfriend? I can't wait to find out!
I find it amazing how you're able to make up stories using a bunch of shitty toys. You got creativity, Matt!
Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 12/09/2004 04:13 AM EST
You know, I really should do the same thing with my Kinder Surprise Egg toys. Shitty Toy + Shitty Candy = Great Product!
Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 12/09/2004 04:16 AM EST
The boxing Santa-pen makes me think of that one time I stepped into the wrestling-ring, dressed as Sinterklaas (Dutch version of Santa) and beat Santa Claus by DQ! That a**hole needed to play dirty, but it cost him in the end. DQ victory for me 
.
Don't believe it happened? Well, then just follow the link: http://www.savage.dds.nl/win/edestad.jpg
It was at a small wrestling-show in Holland two years ago. We just had some fun with it .
Chestnuts roasted by Sjoerd @ 12/09/2004 05:42 AM EST
Nate,
Kinder Eggs aren't shitty! They are the bestest!
Also glad to see Mr. T is posting again.
Semper Fi,
Erik Majorwitz
Chestnuts roasted by EMajorwitz @ 12/09/2004 06:56 AM EST
Kinder eggs are NOT shitty! They used to be a great treat when I was little- a chocolate with a toy INSIDE of it? A toy that you had to assemble that came in a plastic egg? I was all over THAT action.
Chestnuts roasted by Muppet Baby @ 12/09/2004 07:04 AM EST
These advent calenders are better than daytime soap operas.
Chestnuts roasted by dfgdfggdf @ 12/09/2004 08:03 AM EST
...and more realistic.
Chestnuts roasted by dfgdfggdf @ 12/09/2004 08:04 AM EST
2 Mares? Has the whole world gone mad? Like sands through the hourglass, so go the days of our advent calendar.
Chestnuts roasted by jhnnywalkr @ 12/09/2004 09:40 AM EST
EMajorwitz, what happened, no more kinder egg updates?
Chestnuts roasted by J-Dog @ 12/09/2004 10:42 AM EST
Ya know, I was typing my post yesterday, and I was about to comment on Mare's outfit, and how it didn't match the one she was buried in. Then I said to myself, (what a wonderful world!!!) I bet she's Mare's "Good Twin". The real Mare is the "Evil Twin". Then I said, naaa. I'm sure there's a logical explanation to the outfit thing. Little did I know that, a mere one day later, we would be treated to the exact thing I had nearly typed out. Ha! Ha, I say! I's a fortume teller. I knew it! A fortune teller who second guesses herself. But, a fortune teller, nontheless.
kingklash, I forgot to say, I hope your sister has a good trip and is coming home soon 9for good). February, you said, correct?
Chestnuts roasted by trajeal @ 12/09/2004 12:05 PM EST
hey matt i got the next entry for chrismas for you. I saw a limited edition WINTER Lucky Charms at the store, check it out.
Chestnuts roasted by nj guy @ 12/09/2004 01:11 PM EST
NJ Guy: I actually reviewed that during last year's calendar, but I'll check to see if this year's is different.
Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 12/09/2004 01:21 PM EST
Poor midget.
GRANT
I love Chopper. Great movie... I have 5 of his books. What a nut.
When I fianlly get to visit Oz I'm going to get my picture taken at BoJangles! AHHAHAHA
Chestnuts roasted by Mr. P @ 12/09/2004 01:27 PM EST
hey sucka, i pity the foo who does flash photography in my restaurant. dont ask why i sound like Mr. T, foo
Chestnuts roasted by Mr. Bojangles @ 12/09/2004 01:32 PM EST
Did anyone ever see that scene in Caddyshack where the black guy was in his little rowboat when Rodney Dangerfield's boat "Fish Food" was coming at him? Remember his eyes??? That's what the pen on the right reminds me of. Scary!!!!
I'd get that boxing Santa pen--that thing is freakin' cool!!!!!! Great installment Matt!!!
Chestnuts roasted by Allison @ 12/10/2004 01:38 PM EST
hey matt compared last years winter lucky charms box that you reviewed with this years and there are slight differences in the box design. Nothing brand new but different for collectors. keep up the good work finding the goods
Chestnuts roasted by njguy @ 12/12/2004 02:32 PM EST
