REPLIES: 81 comments
Does Hallmark even have stores anymore?
Chestnuts roasted by Pat @ 10/10/2004 08:51 PM EST
There's one in my town, so ya, they're still around.
Chestnuts roasted by m_woolman @ 10/10/2004 08:52 PM EST
Third? Again? There's still a Hallmark store at my local mall.
Chestnuts roasted by Meat Popsicle @ 10/10/2004 08:53 PM EST
there's one in my town too. at least, I think there is
Chestnuts roasted by sam @ 10/10/2004 09:07 PM EST
I think I've seen a Hallmark store around here somewhere...
"usually late at night when I'm on drugs."
Watch out for snakes...
Chestnuts roasted by RewolfJ @ 10/10/2004 09:17 PM EST
CLASSIC
Chestnuts roasted by phunqsauce @ 10/10/2004 09:19 PM EST
We have a Hallmark around here, too. I've never been in it. I can't see spending $4 on a card that someone is just going to chuck, esp when I can get an equally papery card at the Dollar Tree for $.50.
I had to laugh at the fact that Matt still remembers the one social glitch in the popular kid's rein in school. "Yeah, he was popular, but he wore a "This IS My Costume" t-shirt in third grade. So there. Not so great." Heh.
Chestnuts roasted by trajeal @ 10/10/2004 09:19 PM EST
I'm wondering who would win in a fight between the dude wearing the orange shirt or Mark Linn Baker....it would probably be close....
Chestnuts roasted by phunqsauce @ 10/10/2004 09:20 PM EST
Damn Hallmark for creating extra "holidays" to waste money on stupid crap but you will still get nagged by your girlfriend if you don't buy her anything. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Chestnuts roasted by phunqsauce @ 10/10/2004 09:23 PM EST
I am probably one of the last humans that still has the spooky sounds tape. I too was 10 in 1989 (do the math) and wanted to get this tape. I ended up getting a rubber spider (which I have seen as recently as 2002) and something else. I really just wanted the tape for the TWILIGHT ZONE theme. However, as Matt pointed out, it was so CASIOed and LONG that any intial resemblance to the original was lost. Plus, with no Rod Serling, what's the point? The Spooky Sounds side is okay (I recently bought a new CD at TARGET for a buck), but both pale in comparison to the original LP record of the HAUNTED MANSION with spooky sounds on side B. THAT IS THE REAL THRILLER. Thanks for the free commercial. HAPPY HALLOWEEN and whatnot.
Chestnuts roasted by manimal789 @ 10/10/2004 10:03 PM EST
Coming here to find two new entries makes me a happy clam.
Chestnuts roasted by Glo @ 10/10/2004 10:15 PM EST
I have a Hallmark here as well. My wife visits quite often... at this point, I don't mind since I just wander the Halloween gimmicks and gadgets. Ahhhh October...
As for the sound tape, I loved the Haunted Halloween album! BTW, I marked huge for the Mission Impossible yell comment. LOL
This year, I'm either going to wear a Mike Myers t-shirt or a Texas Chainsaw Massacre T at work. I was Hannibal Lecter last year. My students loved it.
Chestnuts roasted by Croww @ 10/10/2004 10:26 PM EST
Hmm, maybe it's just me but the bat thing doesn't cut it w/ me. I know bats are ugly as sin, but I just couldn't garner up the necessary courage to hang that up and call it a "decoration." I guess since I live in a dorm room that really wouldn't matter much anways, but w/e.
Chestnuts roasted by ANdrew @ 10/10/2004 10:27 PM EST
btw, i've been noticing a trend, am i the ONLY one here who isn't married/not obtained a degree yet?
Chestnuts roasted by ANdrew @ 10/10/2004 10:28 PM EST
Nope.
Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 10/10/2004 10:29 PM EST
Matt,
I loved the last article on the flying bat. However, I think, for half the price, I'll go with the bat that simply flies in a circle.
I know... I know... That bat will kill for not purchasing one of its kind!
Chestnuts roasted by Croww @ 10/10/2004 10:33 PM EST
The non-dancing Hovering Bat (not called that, but you'll recognize him) is easier to find -- check TRU.
Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 10/10/2004 10:35 PM EST
Thanks!
Chestnuts roasted by croww @ 10/10/2004 10:39 PM EST
My teacher had a pretty high class halloween sound tape thing that he would play in class, with licensed theme songs and everything.
Every day we'd get to listen to the Attack of the Killer Tomatoes cartoon theme.
It was either hell or heaven, and due to the time of year, I'm going to lean to hell.
Chestnuts roasted by Discharger @ 10/10/2004 10:49 PM EST
There are a few Hallmark stores in my area. Some of my family buys my cousin halloween cards for his b-day beacuse it's on halloween.
Chestnuts roasted by pikachulover @ 10/11/2004 12:49 AM EST
ST Louis still has about 7500 halmark stores dotting the landscape,a couple of competing chains I believe. Personally, I'm always afraid of knocking over one of those glass shelf displays and sending approx thirty-seven thousand dollars worth of ceramic pigs and Jesus playing sports figurines to a smashing end. We had a couple of those sound effects tapes as kids, I don't know if any of them were from halmark, but I do remember them sucking. Holding a slinkey up to your ear was scarier.
Chestnuts roasted by deus-ex-maria @ 10/11/2004 12:50 AM EST
That guy in the "This is my Costume" shirt is the geeky dude from friday the 13th part 2. Gimme some candy now?
Chestnuts roasted by garbage pail kid @ 10/11/2004 12:52 AM EST
At last count, we had 3 Hallmark stores right here in my little town, and two are at the very same mall.
I'm with ya, too, ANdrew.
Chestnuts roasted by Ryane @ 10/11/2004 12:54 AM EST
Nope. No degree here, but married and instantly had two kids.
Anyway, I remember listening to some Halloween album on my brother's record player. My cousin and I turned off the lights and nearly shit our pants.
Semper Fi,
Erik Majorwitz
P.S. Hey Matt, haven't heard from you about doing a Kinder Egg follow up. How's about it?
Chestnuts roasted by EMajorwitz @ 10/11/2004 12:56 AM EST
I'm not married, but my degree is mere months away.
Whenever a picture is posted where there is a lot of junk in the background, I examine it to see just what I can find. He's got both "Hey You Pikachu!" and the Radio Shack joystick for the TRS-80 computer. You rarely see those two things in the same room together, let alone in the same room with a pair of Hulk Hands.
Chestnuts roasted by Mars @ 10/11/2004 01:24 AM EST
Once again, I am the first with this breaking news:
Christopher Reeve just died. 52 even. Wow. Not as big an impact as Dangerfield's death but still...
And i have a crapload of Hallmarks where i live
Chestnuts roasted by Invader Norbert @ 10/11/2004 01:50 AM EST
Yay, I went to an 'inspirational' seminar with him, and all he did was whine about how awful his life is. Bastard.
Great articles, Matt. That bat looks fugly for 20 bucks. You got ripped. Ripped! I saw a Frankenstein's Monster the other day, and it sang 'Thriller' when you pushed the button. Sadly, Michael Jackson looks more like the thing every day.
Chestnuts roasted by Chris Carrier _NOT_ Chris Reeve @ 10/11/2004 03:26 AM EST
Is it just me or is Kirstie Alley in that Hallmark commercial?
Oh, Hallmark stores are plentiful in my area..seems to be a 100 of them within a 20 mile radius.
Chestnuts roasted by Jeremiah @ 10/11/2004 03:32 AM EST
Yep, that is the guy from Friday the 13th part2, odd coincidence - i just pulled out my collection last night and chose to watch that one.... i thought the same thing when i saw the hallmark bit.
good one, and i bought some of the new garbage pail kids the other day - finally got one named after me, it's some insanely fat kid, and his name.... 'Lost In Austin'.. and this is why i still go swimming with my shirt on. (not fat anymore, just so scarred from my friends birthday pool parties, that i can't be even semi naked in public)
Chestnuts roasted by Austin @ 10/11/2004 07:55 AM EST
Actually, I thought be bore a striking resemblance to the guy who played George Frankly on Mathnet. Shows what I know...
Chestnuts roasted by Lori @ 10/11/2004 09:18 AM EST
Matt,
I have a copy of that Hallmark tape, and I live in Eltingville if you want it.
-Lou
Chestnuts roasted by Lou @ 10/11/2004 10:07 AM EST
Is the guy in the shirt the actor who played Harold "Reptile" Sherpico in Just One of the Guys?
Chestnuts roasted by Jason @ 10/11/2004 10:36 AM EST
I have one of those chattering skulls pinss.. heheh.. that thing was awesome. i don't think i ever wore it, but i always used to put it out around halloween! 
Chestnuts roasted by EyeLikeP00 @ 10/11/2004 10:41 AM EST
Am I the only person who gets creeped out by the eyes on the talking woman in the audio bar of the college degree ad? It's kind of cool how her eyes follow your pointer around the screen... try it!
Chestnuts roasted by Ed @ 10/11/2004 11:18 AM EST
Sometimes, the whole account thing doesn't seem like a bad idea.....
I wanted that chattering skull when I was young, but always avoided the Hallmark store like the plague. I have both a tape and cd of spooky Hallowe'en sounds, but usually end up playing my tapes of old Dr. Demento shows. Including the themes to Dark Shadows, Addams Family, and Nudist Colony of the Dead. And a awesome reading of The Pit and the Pendulum by Basil Rathbone. Even a cool vampire story read by Boris Karloff. Fun stuff, man.
(I didn't know big sac was a holiday)
Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 10/11/2004 12:06 PM EST
The Hovering Bat looks a lot like a evil Zubat since from some view it looks like the bat has no eyes.
Chestnuts roasted by Beta-Theta @ 10/11/2004 12:10 PM EST
The only Hallmark store near me is in a mall. There was one in my home town, but it closed two years ago.
Chestnuts roasted by Beta-Theta @ 10/11/2004 12:13 PM EST
Now I know whose ass to kick for introducing that shirt.
Chestnuts roasted by Sara @ 10/11/2004 12:34 PM EST
Did anyone notice that this site and article was on www.fark.com?
(Yes, I know it's one of the affiliates, but look in the news posts)
You'll get a spike of traffic today. 
Chestnuts roasted by RPharazon @ 10/11/2004 12:51 PM EST
Someone must have back problems, if he has a Homemedic Back Massager.
Chestnuts roasted by Dik Fishman @ 10/11/2004 01:04 PM EST
Beautiful--I had a ton of pins like that when I was a kid. Good times...
Matt, have you ever seen the anime TMNT from about 1996 or so? It's not the new one--it's in honest-to-goodness subtitled Japanese, and the turtles have magic crystals that let them transform into...God, I cannot describe it without robbing it of its beauty. You NEED to do an article on it.
Chestnuts roasted by Your Mom @ 10/11/2004 01:26 PM EST
Well, ANdrew, I'm not even in college yet and I don't have anyone. Had a crush on Thomas Haden Church, but that went through the crapper when somebody on Yahoo! Movies said he had a girlfriend... bastard. I'll just keep praying to go to college and come out with a job that requires me to create a production company...
Chestnuts roasted by AngeFaitore @ 10/11/2004 01:49 PM EST
W00T Impossible Mission!!! (goes up to boot up his old C64 that he still has hooked up to go play it.)
Chestnuts roasted by ArtimisRage @ 10/11/2004 02:36 PM EST
Hey, Matt, you can edit my last post to remove the first and last lines as you see fit! (seeing as how the one mentioned has been booted)
Chestnuts roasted by the expurgated kingklash @ 10/11/2004 02:55 PM EST
Damn Matt, was that one picture taken in your apartment or your nephew's play room?
Chestnuts roasted by Dane @ 10/11/2004 02:57 PM EST
i have that 'this is my costume' shirt. i bought it at a flea market three or four years ago. the font of the shirt makes it all the more hilarious. ie, youre really excited that this is your costume.
Chestnuts roasted by kellen @ 10/11/2004 03:57 PM EST
I do not remember Stu Charno from that one episode of Dave's World, but I fondly remember him in the Hallmark commerical.
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0153385/
http://www.iconsoffright.com/IV_Stu.htm
http://www.stucharno.com/
Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 10/11/2004 04:11 PM EST
Matt- The second picture from the bottom in the bat article makes me envy you so bad.
Chestnuts roasted by Behonkiss @ 10/11/2004 04:39 PM EST
Hallmark makes me fucking sick from all the crap it sells. The reason for the puking is because I know there are millions of people out there who waste their money on this shit and find it "unbelievably cute".
It's also responsible for taking up space in one of my desk drawers, which is currently occupied by a Mt. Everest of old cards, b/c what do you do with them? When is the exact time when all the sentiment and "aww" is gone from that card and it's time to bravely trash it?
I might decoupage a bookcase with those cards...and then stash it in the garage. Or chop it up for fire wood cuz winter is a-comin'. *brr*
Chestnuts roasted by SovietRocket @ 10/11/2004 04:42 PM EST
Ohmigod, I still have that Spooky Sounds tape at my Gramma's place - haha, we got it the same year we got the sparkling new invetion known only cryptically as "Mat-that-makes-high-pitched-shrieks-when-stupid-kids-or-gullible-adults-or-your-dog-decide-to-accidentally-brush-it-AAHHWWLLGGHH". Man I miss them.
Chestnuts roasted by Jamie @ 10/11/2004 05:14 PM EST
Na na na na na na na na na na na na naaaaah... Hovering Baaaat!
Nope.
Don't sound the same.
Had a shreiking doormat like Jamie's, but then some fat kid stepped on it and killed it. (sniff) If I can find a new mat, then I could use the old box, it's hella-loud!
Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 10/11/2004 05:23 PM EST
I actually STILL have one of those crappy half-assed costumes I bought in a Hallmark store in maybe 1990. It's a little black beanie with googly-looking (silkscreened) eyes and bat wings. My Bat Hat. It makes an appearance evey Halloween since I teach in an elementary school and have an excuse to wear a costume (yayy).
On a sadder note, I also bought something called a Boo Beanie: white with a ghost face looking surprised. It had little hands that stuck out on either side. It's lost. I still grieve.
Chestnuts roasted by rachi99 @ 10/11/2004 06:17 PM EST
Oh, and Matt -
Speaking of the dissolution of our society's Halloween spirit, it should appall you to hear that at one of the schools where I work, the kids are not allowed to wear costumes of any kind. They still have parties on Halloween, but they are called "Fall Festival."
But why, you ask? Religious reasons? Violent imagery. Oh no. The reason is that the teachers say "it's too much trouble." They refuse to help kids get in costumes, and it's "A waste of an afternoon."
Makes me ashamed to be on the faculty. Since I travel to teach, I just go to another school where they do real parties with spider rings and costumes so complicated they have to start getting dressed after lunch.
Chestnuts roasted by rachi99 @ 10/11/2004 06:29 PM EST
I posted this on STU's website (the guy in the t-shirt). He got a kick out of it, cause he never even saw the finished commercial. I'm shocked he didn't leave a comment.
Chestnuts roasted by RP MacMurphy @ 10/11/2004 06:38 PM EST
there are four hallmark stores in my area. must be a northwest thing.
RewolfJ nice eegah (or mst3k) refrence
Chestnuts roasted by bogeyb @ 10/11/2004 06:52 PM EST
You would of course find the guy I called a doof. If he's reading, it was in good fun and I swear I'm twice the doof.
Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 10/11/2004 07:45 PM EST
Ha HA HA Ha HA! Now the value of that shirt has gone up on eBay!
Chestnuts roasted by ddfgg @ 10/11/2004 09:13 PM EST
bogeyb: Thanks, also a subtle refference to the anti-drug PSA on the countdown (as well as another old article which I'm pretty sure debuted shortly after I became a regular reader).
Chestnuts roasted by RewolfJ @ 10/11/2004 09:22 PM EST
Oddly enough, considering South Jersey still has at least four or five Hallmarks, I really don't remember this commercial. I don't think Hallmark still does costumes, though it, as far as I know, continues to sell novelty items like the chattering skull and the "Scary Sounds" tape.
Actually, my parents bought a similar cassette years ago for Halloween. Their reasoning being we had so much Christmas music, we might as well branch out. Yeah, it's cheezy (the version of "Thriller" on the tape is particuarly bad) but we still listen to it every year, and it still greets trick-or-treaters who come to my parents' door.
Chestnuts roasted by starwenn @ 10/11/2004 09:26 PM EST
The guy in the Hallmark picture there in the orange shirt *kinda* reminds me of Slim Goodbody, except without the inside-out body.
Chestnuts roasted by Andy @ 10/11/2004 11:01 PM EST
You have known, that person of the shirt really is creepy. I him next the halloween way think that the fact that I go is desired. It makes that can have everyone, everything which I need is the exhaust change vessel of that surface, am that shirt and I the gold.
Chestnuts roasted by JingYa @ 10/11/2004 11:05 PM EST
Not really Halloween related, but I have found a new bit of Shrek crap the other day. Get ready for...Shrek and Donkey Chia Pets!
Ch Ch Ch Chia Shrek!
Chestnuts roasted by Luap @ 10/11/2004 11:41 PM EST
Just wanted to say I STILL have that tape. Or my dad does. In any case, I could take it from my house without incident.
Chestnuts roasted by New Guy @ 10/11/2004 11:50 PM EST
I am among those who are not married and have no degree. Just started working toward the degree though.
Speaking of bad Halloween music, anyone know who Screaming Lord Sutch is? My friend has the same problem Matt has, if something is marked at an incredibly low sale price he has to buy 50,000 of them. That's what happened when Hastings had SLS's cds for 33 cents. He gives them to various friends in packs of ten as gag gifts for birthdays and Christmas.
Chestnuts roasted by Mara @ 10/12/2004 01:00 AM EST
I had a few of those Halloween sound effects tapes. I loved those things and enjoyed playing them at inappropriate times like Christmas dinner or funerals. My favorite tape had a segment that lasted about 3 minutes that actually sounded like a woman being raped by Satan himself. It was really kinda scary.
Chestnuts roasted by Cousin Balki @ 10/12/2004 06:57 AM EST
Unmarried, uncolleged. Destined to die in a freak Jell-O/Pac-Man/Wiffle Ball accident on some backwater galactic outpost.
Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 10/12/2004 12:02 PM EST
i have the skull pin.
if you want it, Matt, i'll find it and send it to you. along with my soul.
Chestnuts roasted by zann @ 10/12/2004 12:21 PM EST
For the record -
Yes, I am married, but only recently.
As for degrees, I have three (yipe), and I am here to tell you that they have done me little to no good in the real world. Kept me OUT of the real world for a decent amount of time, though.
Chestnuts roasted by rachi99 @ 10/12/2004 12:38 PM EST
Married. No degree yet but working on it.
I used to have a vibrating ghost similar in principle to the bat. when you clapped mear it or screamed, it would start buzzing around like crazy. Good times.
Chestnuts roasted by Yzziefrog @ 10/12/2004 02:00 PM EST
hey matt, i have a chattering skull pin if your interested. its a classic.
Chestnuts roasted by mikey @ 10/12/2004 02:47 PM EST
I CANNOT believe I was right about it being Reptile Sherpico. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Chestnuts roasted by Jason @ 10/12/2004 02:57 PM EST
First Post for me!
My cousin Barry told me about this site! ITS AWESOME!
Lets see, to address everyone, yes-job. yes-married. Interestingly, my wife's dad keeps the machine repaired and going that puts the glitter on hallmark cards (glitter, which hallmark calls flitter). you know how you wonder who runs the machine that does that-- well, its my father-in-law. In Topeka, Kansas.
Actually that makes hallmark a totally american company! makes you feel bad for complaining about the $4 cards now, doesn't it?
Funny article!
Chestnuts roasted by Dixon Deeper (Cousin of Barry J. Deeper) @ 10/12/2004 03:20 PM EST
A house on my street has one of those hovering bats on its porch. The first night it was up it actually fooled me until i got closer to it and saw the LED red eyes and heard the whir of the motor. And realized that bats do not typically fly in perfect continuous circles eight feet from the ground. I am ashamed.
Chestnuts roasted by Kyla @ 10/12/2004 05:11 PM EST
GG @ using "conducive"
Chestnuts roasted by Sargasm @ 10/13/2004 12:13 AM EST
Well now, someone got an utrom.
Chestnuts roasted by Cleetus @ 10/14/2004 11:46 PM EST
There were Transformers on your Top Ten Worst list that were totally justified, but two guys who should have made it were the Autobot Jumpstarters, Top Spin and Twin Twist.
I see that you have already catalogued them as a bummer in one article, but the list lets them off the hook.
I suppose that they don't count officially as Transformers, because they are so horrid, but then I see Leader One counted among the most despicable Transformers.
Could it be that they are so monumentally lousy, you have blocked them from memory?
Love this site, man. I can't believe you're only 25.
Chestnuts roasted by The Disgrace @ 10/15/2004 11:32 AM EST
Also, I believe that the two halves of the Inhumanoids' heroic monster "Magnakor" were named "Cryon" and "Pyre". Something of the like, anyway.
The version of Magnakor that I owned in my youth didn't have the built-in magnets. Pegs held them together, and the Cryon half was just a hollowed-out non-posable cover shell.
Chestnuts roasted by The Disgrace @ 10/15/2004 11:51 AM EST
O_O AWESOME!! Dude, Hallmark Halloween crap is the coolest Halloween crap around. I remember going into one of their stores with my mom when I was little & being in awe of all the cool halloween themed things there.
It's funny that I read this article today, as I just went by a card store up the block from my house that, once upon a time, used to BE a Hallmark card store. Since the people who bought this, bought all the crap in the back room along with it, they've had Halloween stuff in there from the 80's & early 90's for YEARS.
Today while up there & just looking around for some cardboard halloween decorations to hang on the walls in my basement, I decided to check the store out & see what they had this year. I left with a bunch of stuff & minus $19.77 from my wallet (not a bad deal as all their Halloween stuff was 50% off O_O).
The Hallmark brand stuff I got was as follows:
• 1 pack of 4 Halloween Blowouts from 1988 (those little blower things that stick-out when you blow in them, & they come with little cardboard skulls to put over them).
• 1 sheet of 6 glow-in-the-dark stickers (jack o lantern, skull & cross bones, frankenstien, ghost, bat & spider stickers)
• 1 sheet of "puffy" stickers of like 13 random weird monsters
& the awesomest thing:
• 1 Halloween Wind Sock from 1986. It's this big red cartoony Devil & it's freakin' awesome. :-D
Some non-Hallmark old 80's Halloween crap I got was:
• 1 of those weird "Baby Oh-Lanterns" from 1987. It's name is Jason. Very weird, & a little dried out, probably from being in the sun for such a long time.
• a 44" high "Mister Mummy" hinged Decoration made by Carlton cards in MCMXCI, which I think is 1991
• a 27" wingspan "Flying Fear Bat" hinged Decoration made by the same company. It's like a cardboard bat, with wings that open & it has a little 'Happy Halloween' pin drawn on it.
• Also got a little 6" tall stuffed ghost w/ googley eyes & a long once elastic cord.
I gotta go back up there tomarrow & buy more of their old stuff, might pay to check out some other old card stores too...
-Boglin
Chestnuts roasted by Boglin @ 10/22/2004 09:34 PM EST
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Chestnuts roasted by mortgage company @ 11/06/2004 08:27 AM EST
Big thanks to Randy for donating this one. I love it way too much. Here's a look at a 
