09/23/2004 Entry: "Atomic Fireballs & 3-D Bloody Words!"

New "real" article coming this weekend -- and maybe two if I'm quick enough. Meantime, the Countdown's been updated with a review of the new hotness this Halloween season, 3-D Bloody Words, essentially giant Fruit Roll-Ups shaped like deadly phrases. They're kinda cool, kinda not, but definitely in style. Remember, the Halloween Countdown doesn't stop for the weekends; come back Saturday and Sunday and every damn day till THE day for more four-paragraph ramblings on things I found at pharmacies. Speaking of which:

Atomic Fireballs! They weren't extinct, but I haven't seen these babies in a looong time. There was a deli within walking distance of my public school, so the big thing when I was in the fifth grade was spending anywhere from 2-5 bucks for huge bags of the nickel-each Fireballs. We were obsessed with them, and this being a five-pack for a quarter, I'm happy to report that they're still the same low price. I don't really require them to win the affections of my classmates these days, but if I ever need to cleanse garlic sauce from the pallet, there they are.

Chestnuts roasted by Byrd man @ 09/23/2004 11:42 PM EST

Oh and we have tons of economy size bags of those fireballs, I'm not a big fan of cinnamon candy though.

Chestnuts roasted by Byrd man @ 09/23/2004 11:44 PM EST

Fireballs are some of the best things ever. Me and my friends always had contests on how long you could keep them in your cheek before it burns through.

Chestnuts roasted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 09/23/2004 11:45 PM EST

I love Atomic Fireballs. I keep a ton of them in the door of my car in case of emergencies.

Chestnuts roasted by Ian @ 09/23/2004 11:54 PM EST

I used to love Fireballs, but they kept burning pits into the insides of my cheeks, so I stopped eatin them. Kinda sucks, I did love em.
I shall now pray to Geoffrey, for the ability to eat Fireballs again.

Chestnuts roasted by jhnnywalkr @ 09/23/2004 11:57 PM EST

Those bloody stickers are hyper-cool! The only problem is I don't know how they'll show up well outside anyone's home for trick-or-treaters. Guess they work best for parties.

Chestnuts roasted by Andrew @ 09/23/2004 11:57 PM EST

I once had a fireball after eating mexican and cajun in the same day. Woo wee that was one big fireball the day after. Come on ice cream!

Chestnuts roasted by mangus dangus @ 09/24/2004 12:04 AM EST

I bought a big jar of Fireballs once back in elementary school. If you eat a WHOLE lot of Fireballs, they stop burning and start to taste really sweet and cool. I'm not sure whether this is a freaky sensory trick or the result of burning out thousands of taste buds.

Chestnuts roasted by Phen @ 09/24/2004 12:12 AM EST

I just found out Jurisprudence is a real word. Guess I don't have much else to say about big sticky words. Anybody else barely skim the bloggie before checking the countdown and think it was going to be about Satan-friendly fruit leather snacks?

Chestnuts roasted by squee4242 @ 09/24/2004 12:37 AM EST

I did too squee4242. I have some halloween window clings at my house but the are just a picture of a cat on a pumpkin. I've never reall been a fan of fireballs. I like crybabies better.

Chestnuts roasted by pikachulover @ 09/24/2004 12:50 AM EST

Fun.

Chestnuts roasted by Dancer ( @ 09/24/2004 01:43 AM EST

I find it oddly amusing that they left afterimages on the wall. Now it'll be like Matt lives in a haunted apartment (house? whatever).

Also, I'd like to use this moment to register my annoyance at the Honey Comb mascot. Damn, it's annoying.

Chestnuts roasted by marioshoku @ 09/24/2004 01:47 AM EST

I love you too!

Chestnuts roasted by Dwarf Lover @ 09/24/2004 01:48 AM EST

Hey Matt that dripping blood is cool. Must get some. I never liked Fireballs though, they're to hot for me.

Chestnuts roasted by Liz @ 09/24/2004 06:22 AM EST

I wish we could get stuff like this over here

Chestnuts roasted by gaz @ 09/24/2004 06:38 AM EST

Oooo! Very Poltergeist! I like!

Chestnuts roasted by TB Tabby @ 09/24/2004 06:59 AM EST

I saw those bloody words at CVS the other day, made me wish i hadn't just graduated college, woulda looked great on my first floor dorm window or door.

Chestnuts roasted by Rychiar @ 09/24/2004 07:19 AM EST

People, let's please quit bugging Matt about the Chia article. The last time it appeared was what, April? It's over. Let it go, please. I'm sure Matt has alot going on, with his real job and doing the Halloween countdown to really care about the Chia article much these days. And honestly, I don't think 3-4 people asking for it on the Blog are gonna make him change his mind. He's not going to come on here and think, "Well, shit. It looks like a few of them bastards want the Chia article, I better drop everything I'm doing and get on it!" Seriously, it reminds me of little kids begging their parents for toys at the toy store after they are told "no" approx. 431 times. And I'm sure Matt is thinking just like a bothered parent, in that if he ignores the problem long enough, it will go away. So please, quit bugging Matt with requests for the Chia article. If it happens, great. If not, it's over. Let it go. Cling to something else.

Chestnuts roasted by Albright @ 09/24/2004 07:23 AM EST

I love those 3-D bloody words. My girlfriend is a high school English teacher, and she bought "STAY OUT" to go in the annoying window above the door to her classroom. We didn't seem to have as much trouble as you had when we were first inspecting them, but there were two of us at work on it. They looked damn cool on the mirror we tried them on; I expected Bloody Mary to pop up behind me, or the words to fall down, but neither happened. Whew.

A final note: We got ours at Wal-Mart. You paid way, way too much for yours, suckah.

Chestnuts roasted by Tim Thræryn @ 09/24/2004 08:04 AM EST

The blurryness of "Stay Out" makes the blood actually look real.

Chestnuts roasted by Nathan @ 09/24/2004 08:21 AM EST

The asking for the Chia article, at least for me, is a joke, and that's what I always thought it was for pretty much everyone who asks for it. I am well aware he'll probably never get to it. I imagine he doesn't mind.

Chestnuts roasted by jhnnywalkr @ 09/24/2004 09:11 AM EST

Dammit Matt, I now desire Fruit Roll-Ups as well.

Fireballs... I'm not going to lie, I've never been a big fan of them. Why? I've never been able to hack it. My dad used to buy them all the time (you know, before my parents got divorced and WAY before my dad bought a lakeside house, a boat, and a jet ski, and then claimed he had no money and decided he was no longer legally obligated to help me pay my way through college, knowing full well we don't have the time or money to take him to court... bastard).

Oh, what was I saying? Fireballs. Nope, never could keep 'em in my mouth for long. Sour stuff I can usually handle, but not fireballs.

I didn't think there was any shortage of the things. Maybe that's because my dad always seemed to have a bunch in his pocket, 24-7.

Chestnuts roasted by Night_Trekker @ 09/24/2004 10:00 AM EST

I must have eaten them way too frequently, because I don't remember them being red hot in the slightest. A slight cinnamon burn on the tongue, but like 10 times less the punch of a Warhead.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 09/24/2004 10:07 AM EST

HEY MATT, WHO IS PERFEKT??? Happened upon a weird webcam part of the site.

Chestnuts roasted by Pedro @ 09/24/2004 10:11 AM EST

My mom would've had a shitfit if I bought that home. Plus, I don't think I would've wanted to touch it, but Matt, it's pretty cool in the pictures. Good work.

Chestnuts roasted by Allison @ 09/24/2004 11:35 AM EST

Real blood works a helluva lot better than those window clings.

Chestnuts roasted by Dik Fishman @ 09/24/2004 11:58 AM EST

They kinda look like fruit roll-ups.
Goddamn...I have'nt had one in years

Chestnuts roasted by Evan @ 09/24/2004 12:29 PM EST

'The Last Starfighter', the Musical, Beams Down Into World Premiere in NYC
Not to be confused with the Road House Musical.

Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 09/24/2004 01:19 PM EST

Holy crap, for some reason this article reminded me of my Jr. year of college. Me and 4 other guys lived in a shithole house in Durham that was literallY on the wrong side of the tracks (freighter went by every night at 11), complete with the sound of gunfire and homeless crackheads knocking on our door at all hours asking for spare change or any "extra beers" we might have laying around (what the fuck is an "extra beer"?) Having maintained a fairly consistent intoxication level since classes started in August, Halloween hit us out of nowhere and all of a sudden we had kids knocking on our door asking for candy. Completely unprepared the holiday we could only give out what we had laying around our squalid living conditions.

We began by dropping uneaten slices of pizza laying around from the night before and pouring what cereal we had directly into their loot bags. Strangely the kids did not find this at all unusual and politely lined up and waited while we poured cereal into each of their bags. Once the cereal and pizza ran out we gave away bottle caps. Icehouse beer was big at the time and had promotion in which an NFL team appeared on the underside of the caps, so we convinced ourselves that we were not being cheap.

The scary part of this story is that while we doing this all day, it didn't once strike us as odd. It wasn't until later that day/night, when one of my housemates' girlfriends asked me whether we bought candy for the trick or treaters, knowing we sure as hell would not have motivated to do so. Proudly, I told her what we did and realized by her facial expressions she was becoming more disgusted by the minute. THEN, suddenly, the insanity of what we had done hit me and I doubled over with laughter. We still laugh about how ridiculous that was to this day, but remain somewhat disappointed that we weren't laughing it up when when the trick or treaters came.

Sorry for the long post, but it's one of my favorite halloween stories.

Pedro

Chestnuts roasted by Pedro @ 09/24/2004 01:26 PM EST

It's the visual of these kids coming home and having their parents inspect their bags and finding beer bottle caps and slices of pizza that gets me. Imagine the look on your mom's face if you pulled crusty old slice of pizza out of your loot bag.

Sorry.

Chestnuts roasted by Pedro @ 09/24/2004 01:35 PM EST

Matt, do you check your AOL email? I sent you a message there and i wanted to make sure you got it.

Those fruit roll up clings look awesome. I bet the next people who move into your apartment will be crime scene investigators and will want to practice their Luminol spraying on the nearby white wall. Now, if only stick roll up goo will glow under a Woods lamp...

Chestnuts roasted by trajeal @ 09/24/2004 01:36 PM EST

those bloody words are an AWESOME idea. I gotta get these!

Chestnuts roasted by The Dragonrider @ 09/24/2004 03:21 PM EST

Isn't "stay out" and "beware" painted in blood somewhat redundant? I would "stay out" and "beware" as soon as I SAW words written in blood.

It would have been cooler if they said things like "Come on in" or "welcome" or "help yourself to some peach rolls."

Chestnuts roasted by Sweetie @ 09/24/2004 05:01 PM EST

I think Crayola has some markers that let you make stained-glass like stuff on your windows. But, these are cool. And, if you can't find them at your nearest 'We'en supply, just use real Fruit Roll-Ups.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 09/24/2004 05:34 PM EST

My favorite part about eating Fireballs so much was the fact that your entire mouth would get numb. I always thought it was the closest I could get to that Simpson's episode where Homer drinks candle wax... it always made ME want to drink candle wax. I'm just smart enough NOT to try!

Chestnuts roasted by Meg @ 09/24/2004 06:13 PM EST

...what exactly is a peach roll?

Chestnuts roasted by 1drland @ 09/24/2004 06:49 PM EST

Ahh, fireballs! I'm a lover of all things spicy, from sushi wasabi to that spicy Vermont cheese. Fireballs are one of my favorite things in the spectrum of all things hot n' spicy!

Chestnuts roasted by AngeFaitore @ 09/24/2004 07:54 PM EST

There's this old guy who comes into my work all the time and dumps a handful of fireballs on the counter every time. My boss says, "Dammit Pop, you know I can't eat those damned things." So I always end up eating them all, and burn off half my taste buds in the process. Mmmmm, so tasty.

Chestnuts roasted by XTacy @ 09/24/2004 09:05 PM EST

Matt, what do you think of the idea of Cereality? Here are the FARKers take on the idea.

Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 09/24/2004 10:24 PM EST

That is some amazing shit you've got there Matt, sticks to walls and destroys the white ones in the process, can it really be true?
I've always wanted to destroy walls with a decoration!

Mmmm... atomic fireballs! Ah the days of yore, many years ago when I would buy a bag and the cinnamon goodness would set fire to my throat, it's amazing but the local Pick N' Save still carries them, however it's a box going for $10, kind of a waste considering how large it is and at most I'd eat like.. 2.

Chestnuts roasted by Jay @ 09/25/2004 01:56 AM EST

Pedro's story reminded me of a college Halloween story of my own. I'd been seeing this girl for a little while, and finally (on Halloween) got her over to my place to watch some horror movies. Things were getting pretty "friendly," even with the little shits incessantly ringing my doorbell and interrupting. Eventually, I figured I was going to get lucky, so the next fortunate group of kids got a metric fuckton of candy, making out like bandits. The porch light went out, and any unfortunate soul brave enough to approach the darkened house left empty-handed. Halloween was over. Ahh, to be young again.

As an aside, I was scouring the Internet Archive for the old Chick tracts from X-E, and figured I'd save the links to share them with anyone else interested.

Dungeons and Dragons (broken image)
Rock Music (broken image)
Tossing the Damned
Halloween is Satan's Birthday
DOOM TOWN (couple of broken images, sorry)
Don't Try Suicide
Nick at Nite = Hell on Earth
HAW HAW HAW
Trick or Treat Salvation
The Poor Little Witch
Soul Story

I hope posting these links isn't a problem, considering they're hosted at archive.org and not on X-E. In addition, giving the nature of the archive, these links could break at any time.

Later!

Chestnuts roasted by Steaming Monkey Arm @ 09/25/2004 12:11 PM EST

Man, I haven't seen Fireballs in YEARS. All the kids in junior high and my first year or two of high school lived on those things. No wonder they were all nuts.

Chestnuts roasted by starwenn @ 09/25/2004 06:57 PM EST

Atomic Fireballs can be found in pretty much every skateshop in Europe. Then there are the "Lemon Head" ones too...

Chestnuts roasted by Stefan Raab @ 10/02/2004 03:34 AM EST