09/05/2004 Entry: "The Killer Spider."

It's a pretty nice day, so I took pictures for the next article outside. As I was setting shit up, there he was...the killer spider. Though the pic makes him look about 5000x larger and scarier than he was in reality, it's never been common for me to find anything resembling an exotic spider around here. Mostly we get plain old black bugs and a few daddy longleggios. This spider is obviously neither, and I'll bet you 50 bucks I'd be dead by now had it bit me.

The continuity displayed between this entry and the previous both being about something arachnous was completely intentional. And arachnous really is a word.

Chestnuts roasted by Behonkiss @ 09/05/2004 06:10 PM EST

yeah spiders kick ass.....im gonna buy a zebra legged tarantula

Chestnuts roasted by sexynigelthepharoahwizard @ 09/05/2004 06:13 PM EST

You don't sound like an asshole. I was hoping someone could identify him. Believe it or not, common garden spiders aren't all that common 'round here. At least, for those of us who don't garden or approach gardeny areas. To put things into perspective, ANY spider that looks remotely fuzzy and not just like an ant with big legs seems otherworldly to find out in the open here.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 09/05/2004 06:14 PM EST

Hey, I just saw an ad on tv for Shaun of the Dead. Indeed it does look very appealing. I am also interested in Team America: World Police because it has fucked up Thunderbirds style puppetry and its from matt stone and trey parker who do quality work. yay....or something.

Chestnuts roasted by phunqsauce @ 09/05/2004 06:23 PM EST

its kinda fun posting and coming back every 10 minutes seeing a response......thats kinda weird that theres no big spiders around there.....the biggest spider ive ever seen had 7 inch legs and was about 3 inches from my face under someones house

i think it was a dock spider

Chestnuts roasted by sexynigelthepharoahwizard @ 09/05/2004 06:24 PM EST

Damn matt, you should see the wolf spiders out where i live. Talk about fuckin hairy ass spiders!! And they're HUGE too!!! They normally don't show themselves though because they like hiding in dark places so you gotta kinda look for 'em. Mmmmmmmmmmm....yummy.

Chestnuts roasted by phunsauce @ 09/05/2004 06:26 PM EST

If only arachnous really was a word, oh what a world it would be.

Chestnuts roasted by Shelby @ 09/05/2004 06:35 PM EST

Kill the little bastard.

I usually find Daddy Longlegs around the outside parts of my house, then I hose down the little bastards.

Chestnuts roasted by RPharazon @ 09/05/2004 07:13 PM EST

i'm pretty sure the "daddy longlegs" is the most poisonous spider out there beut since its mouth is too small it cannot puncture your skin.

Chestnuts roasted by phunqsauce @ 09/05/2004 07:18 PM EST

Woo! My first post from after my vacation!

But anyways...that's a pretty scary looking spider. I'm imagining someone killing it with the heel of one of those old-timey cowboy boots for some reason...

And speaking of Erik Estrada, he plays Marco on Sealab 2021, but he never brings it up. Weird...

Chestnuts roasted by Invader Norbert @ 09/05/2004 07:19 PM EST

Estrada wore a Sealab 2021 shirt on The Surreal Life.

Chestnuts roasted by Gnarkill @ 09/05/2004 07:45 PM EST

there are a bunch of spiders around where i live. the ones that scare the beejesus out of me are those damn jumping spiders. those are scary mfers.

and one of these days i will watch sealab 2021, it's never on when i'm watching. always home movies
damn

Chestnuts roasted by Randy @ 09/05/2004 07:57 PM EST

Domain: Eukarya
Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Arthropoda
Class: Arachnida
Order: Araneae
Family: ?
Genus:?
Species:?

Chestnuts roasted by Beta-Theta @ 09/05/2004 08:24 PM EST

Matt, I'm trying my best to identify the name (scientific and common name) of the spider you found. But as this hierachical system shows us, I do not know what family, genus, and species the spider belong to. According to some of websites I look at, it is very hard to identify the difference between some spiders as for example some spiders may belong to same genus and species, but they may be in different color. Make hard for you to id. your spider. But like sexynigelthepharoahwizard said, it's not a brown recluse.

Chestnuts roasted by Beta-Theta @ 09/05/2004 08:50 PM EST

Ew! I hate spiders and even though it was outside, I still would have killed it, I guess I'm evil. There's a daddy longlegs that stays right by my front door, and no matter how many times I knock it off, it comes right back. Someone else broght up wolf spiders. I had never seen one until we were building our house,and in the basement there was this huge ass spider, I'm sure there's tons more living in the walls of my house.

Chestnuts roasted by Stacey @ 09/05/2004 09:25 PM EST

I just saw this Hostess wedding cake link on Fark: www.twinkies.com/worldofwacky/delaplane.asp

Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 09/05/2004 09:31 PM EST

I have a huge wood spider that lives outside my front door. We named it "Henry". "Henry" built his web right in front of our always lit porch light which attracts lovely bugs and is in the process of getting fatter everyday. Fun in the sun eh?

Chestnuts roasted by Mike @ 09/05/2004 09:59 PM EST

You should have let him bite you!
You'd prolly be Spider-Matt by now..

Ps.. You owe us all $50

Chestnuts roasted by Cyanyde @ 09/05/2004 10:16 PM EST

Yeah Id get some spray and unleash the fury of the world on that cursed and wretched thing, if he was indoors, otherwise id let out a girl-like scream and run away.

Chestnuts roasted by ArcticOrange @ 09/05/2004 10:42 PM EST

The urban legend about the daddy longlegs' deadly venom has been floating around for a long time, but it's not true. And you know what else? A duck's quack echoes just like any other sound. And there is no Santa Claus! Take THAT, childlike wonder!

Chestnuts roasted by Jedoc @ 09/05/2004 10:50 PM EST

If there is no Santa then who brought me my incredible hulk underoos when I was a lad, huh? Answer me that!!

Chestnuts roasted by Mr King @ 09/05/2004 11:20 PM EST

:o Holy crud, I would've screamed and scurried away as fast as I could. I'm absolutely terrified of bugs/spiders/insects of all kinds. I actually gasped and scrolled quickly away from that pic when I saw it! *shivers*

I had Wonder Woman underoos when I was little. I even made little wrist cuff thingies like hers out of cardboard wrapping paper tubes! Those were the days...

Chestnuts roasted by Ryane @ 09/05/2004 11:40 PM EST

I had some G.I. Joe underoos, Transformers too, I think. Later on, I had some Nintendo pajamas.

The other day, I found a black widow in my room, along with an egg sack, so I got rid of both of them, with extreme prejudice (I think that's the appropriate military euphemism). I think I saw a male scurry off, but I'm not too concerned, since they're not poisonous.

Chestnuts roasted by marioshoku @ 09/06/2004 01:49 AM EST

Yeah, but it's a close up of a common garden spider. So ha.

Chestnuts roasted by Yama @ 09/06/2004 11:05 AM EST

I own TransMetal Tarantulas and Beast Machines BlackArachnia. I like to chase those tiny spiders that try to bluff bigger bugs. You know, the stocky little guys that would be frightening if they were even normal sized, but try to pose aggressivly then run like crazy when your finger or stick keeps moving towards them. I've known people like that.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash on a webline @ 09/06/2004 11:30 AM EST

is it sad that I jumped back from the desk and screamed like a girl, such that my wife had to come in to see what I was scared of? She's ashamed to have married me, for I was in fear of a picture of a spider on my computer screen. Thanks Matt, for re-affirming my masculinity.

Chestnuts roasted by whirred @ 09/06/2004 11:46 AM EST

SWEET MOTHER OF FUCKER JESUS HOLY AND SHIT!!! BANG-DROPPIN' ASS-WIPERS!!! I FUCKING HATE SPIDERS!!! (screaming like a girl) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 09/06/2004 02:28 PM EST

Remember in Arachnophobia when Jeff Daniels would become completely paralyzed with fright when spiders were near him? He was dope as Doctor Death in that film.

Chestnuts roasted by Rollo Tomasi @ 09/06/2004 05:43 PM EST

Spiders don't bother me. Fleas and ticks, OTOH, give my nightmares. I imagine thousands of tiny fleas hopping all over me and sucking out my life-giving blood. Has anyone here read The Basement? A guy in that book is attacked by a throng of ticks. The way they described the things flicking off him while he tried to feebly fight them off will haunt me until I die. Ugh.

As for your spider-y, just remember all of the mosquitos he's eating right now, and every annoying house fly that gets trapped in his wbe before it can make it through your front door. he's one of the good guys. How big was it, about? We had one that lived in the fake hanging plant we used to have outside our front door. The body was the size of a large grape, and its legs were black and orange striped. He was cool, but he blew away in a bad windstorm we had last fall.

Mike, our new kitten is named Henry. Henry Kittenger, that is. :-P

Jedoc, you're right about the daddy longleg legend. They even researched it on MythBusters. I love that show.

Chestnuts roasted by trajeal @ 09/06/2004 10:12 PM EST

some info for you; where else would this knowledge be of any use?

daddy longlegs are not spiders, but aphids.

you are never more than 3 feet from a spider.

We always get these huge black spiders in our basement after a camping trip; it's not so much that they're in the basement where I sleep, it's that they were hiding somewhere on me for the 3 hour portage and the 4 hour car ride home.

Chestnuts roasted by mypurposevague @ 09/07/2004 03:53 AM EST

I'm just glad I live in Canada where we don't have fucking scorpions or jungle spiders that suck life-fluids from small children; trust me, nothing's better than a spider for killing the insane amount of flies we get up here in the summer.

On a side note, we do have slugs in British Columbia that are the size of fucking bananas; they're called banana slugs, my cousin once stepped on one.

Chestnuts roasted by poop @ 09/07/2004 03:57 AM EST

When I lived in Okinawa, I was privy to living with the biggest spiders I had ever seen. Banana Spiders. These things are just fucking huge! I've never seen one attack, or known anyone bit, but still, these things are unnatural.
One time we were camping up north at Okuma resort, and my friends and I came across a banana spider on the ground. Being a bunch of drunk sailors and Marines, we weren't scared! That is, until the damned thing started jumping at us and chasing us back to camp. I would have paid money to see this from a 3rd person perspective. Six guys, some pretty big, running for their lives and screaming like little girls with a spider hopping after them....

God, do I treasure the embarassing moments in my life.

Chestnuts roasted by Brandon @ 09/07/2004 06:27 AM EST

nate -

bang-dropping ass-wipers?

Chestnuts roasted by Whirred @ 09/07/2004 08:50 AM EST

Si, capitain! Twenty lives to save two hundred! Those are odds I can live with!

Chestnuts roasted by Erik E. @ 09/07/2004 10:46 AM EST

Ewwwwww......Check the bang droppin' spider I got to play with(clicky the name)

Chestnuts roasted by Blah...blah @ 09/07/2004 11:13 AM EST

I might ask my Sister In Iraq if she has any pics of those Camel Spiders. Now, those are some freaky-lookin' arachnids.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 09/07/2004 01:57 PM EST

*shudder*

i have no problem with spiders as long as they are outside, far from my house. in my last appartment there was a spider web just outside my door in the spring with all these baby spiders crawling all over it...it was really creepy

I sprayed them with Fantastik then hosed them down with water; they were back 3 days later, so i moved

Chestnuts roasted by -Jen- @ 09/07/2004 05:01 PM EST

You saw a cool spider, and you didn't let it bite you??!? Hello?!?! Have you seen Spiderman?

Chestnuts roasted by Patrick @ 09/07/2004 07:16 PM EST

Daddy Longlegs are not aphids. Where the hell do you get that idea? An aphid is an insect. Longlegs are arachnids, just not spiders. Other non-spider arachnids include ticks and scorpions.

Matt's spider is actually completely harmless to humans even if it does look like a souped-up widow spider. I forget the exact species name, but it's VERY common where I lived in maryland, esspecially during the fall. In fact, I have one outside almost every window right now, sitting in a GIGANTIC round web...it's like nature's free halloween decoration. I tried to keep one as a pet once, but she turned out to be pregnant so I let her go as soon as she spun an egg-sac.

I adore spiders, beautiful animals. And they have superpowers.

Chestnuts roasted by Scythemantis @ 09/07/2004 07:56 PM EST

Spider fact: everyone in their lifetime will injest approximately 8-10 spiders. Hahahaha!!!!

I heard about those evil screaming jumping leg-melting spiders, klash! Yipes! Eeek! Scary shit! No wonder Iraqi's always so pissed off... Oh, yes: FYI - thumb-up sign in Arabian countries means "up yours". ooops. Tell your sister....

I thought spiders with those hour-glass thingy's on their abdomens were always some sort of black widow? We had one living in our house for a week and we never saw it... wondered why a side-table always had webby things under it - turned it over one day and Uuugh! At least we don't live near real African bushveld; size of those hairy spiders is frightening.

Not as bad as tiny jumpy things, though. They move too damn fast, like Shelob in LOTR.

Chestnuts roasted by childlike empressnessness @ 09/08/2004 12:15 PM EST

http://spiders.ucr.edu/daddylonglegs.html

check this out scythemantis, neener neener neener!

Chestnuts roasted by mypurposevague @ 09/08/2004 07:00 PM EST

Spiders are the ugliest creatures on Earth, and they live revolting lives...and they'll never know how bad they really have it, because they're too stupid to know.

The thing about the daddy longlegs venom...ha ha, I can't believe a grownup still believed that. "Too tiny to bite you"? No fangs are too tiny to bite you. Here's a fact: ALL spiders have venom, otherwise none could kill their food with one bite, a survival necessity for a spider. But only a few have venom strong enough to affect humans, and you can count the kind that can kill with one five-fingered hand.

Even still, I hate spiders, and who doesn't? This summer I was lying on my bed at night in my underpants when a daddy longlegs came from behind and crawled up my back. I leapt 50 feet, squished the stupid thing to kingdom come and for the next few hours every itch messed with my mind.

Chestnuts roasted by Mars @ 09/12/2004 05:02 PM EST

Camel spiders aren't spiders and they don't have any anesthetic, they don't eat people, and they don't even have venom.

Chestnuts roasted by Whee @ 09/13/2004 12:36 AM EST

Hey Blah...Blah. Cool garden spider. Ever try tapping on it with a stick? They'll shake the web back and forth when you do that. Had one at work that I tapped on, and it shook its web so hard that it slammed itself against the building. Tap on it enough, and itll drop to the ground on a thread, and walk away with its butt in the air. Cool.

Chestnuts roasted by XTacy @ 09/14/2004 10:49 PM EST

got those all over chattanooga, TN also. especially up the mountains.

Chestnuts roasted by DrussRob @ 09/14/2004 11:17 PM EST

holy crap! i HATE spiders. one time, i was sleeping in the living room, and i woke up to find something crawling on my head. i freaked. i got up, and danced around, and it bit my head! it hurt like hell. after seeing that spider, i think im gonna have nightmares.

Chestnuts roasted by LenaK14 @ 09/19/2004 08:50 PM EST

spiders know better than to come into my house, unless their goal is to be smashed into the carpet or wall or whatever. i usually leave em alone outside...especially if they looked like that, i would have run screaming back into the house...that thing is freakin scary...they all are.

Chestnuts roasted by fightclubjack @ 10/01/2004 07:36 PM EST