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07/02/2004 Entry: "The 4th of July Fireworks Extravaganza!"

I'm sure a lot of you are gone for the weekend, but for those who can hearrrr me know, X-E's celebration of Independence Day comes in the form of this pictorial guide to shitty fireworks. Well, not shitty...just cheap. Smoke bombs, snake eggs, and a whole bunch of other junk we found yesterday in a paper bag leftover from last year. I've got another article on deck, probably for Monday, earlier if I don't feel like celebrating, but I probably will, because yay tequila. If you're taking off, have a great 4th -- may it be filled with the legendary vodka-filled watermelon and much meat.

REPLIES: 105 comments

I just wanted to say happy 4th to all you Yanks. Enjoy yourselves, but be careful with them firecrackers, eh?

Chestnuts roasted by Sean @ 07/02/2004 11:29 PM EST

And, I guess, I shoudl say First Post!! Woo!!

Whatever.

By the way Matt, how are the fish? A store near my work has a tank with 9" blood parrots! And what's really weird? They are sharing a tank with...Geophagus! I guess they took a hint from you set up.

Chestnuts roasted by Sean @ 07/02/2004 11:31 PM EST

Sean you mindreader, I was toying with making an entry just to ask your help. Okay, remember that dolphin whale guy I have? Well, I think he's fine, but the woman thinks he's sick -- I will concede that he has some pale markings on his face, and 1 or 2 grains of what would appear to be styrofoam (very miniscule) on his fin (and definitely not Ick). He's as active as ever and shows no signs of sickness in his behavior, and I'm convinced we just never noticed these markings before. Dear Abby, who's right?

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 07/02/2004 11:35 PM EST

Whoa, I was NOT expecting another article before the holiday, and definitely not one holiday themed. Thank YOU.

Chestnuts roasted by Jason @ 07/02/2004 11:49 PM EST

Matt, I would hazard that the woman is right (doesn't that always seem to be the way? I hope my wife doesn't see that). The skin of mormyrids is pretty delicate, so infectious parasites (like ich) can really get at them. Coupled with the fact that most of those fish don't really like hanging out in tanks with big cichlids, that might be asking for trouble. The best treatment? Partial water changes (never a total one, very bad), raise the temperature A LITTLE (it should normally be 78-80 F, raise it to about 85 until it goes away). Keep in mind, the higher temperature raises the fish' metabolism, helping them fight infection, but it means they eat, digest and excrete more, and more often, so cleaning needs to be more frequent. Finally, adding aquarium (not table) salt would probably help, about a tsp/10 gallons (I think). Avoid chemical treatments if you can because a) it's expensive to treat a big fish tank, and b) mormyrids, like loaches and catfish, don't have normal scales, so medications at full dose can do more harm than good.

Anyway, that's my thought. Good luck.

Chestnuts roasted by Sean @ 07/02/2004 11:50 PM EST

Oh, and yes, my species tends to be telepathic.

Not really, I just always wanted to say that.

Chestnuts roasted by Sean @ 07/02/2004 11:52 PM EST

Seventh Post? Yeah I'll take that.
*lights bottle rocket*

Chestnuts roasted by Former A1C Pete @ 07/03/2004 12:04 AM EST

We used to play soccer with the smoke balls. It was bang-droppin'!

Here in CA, the only fireworks that are legal are the lame assed ones, which would include the ones in this article. What I prefer are firecrackers, M-1000s, bottle rockets, helicopters, bees, and just about anything else that could potentially kill anyone within a ten foot radius. It's just no fun when there isn't a risk involved.

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 07/03/2004 12:05 AM EST

An interesting experiment involving Piccolo Petes just came to mind. For those of you who don't know, Piccolo Pets are these tubes that you set upright, and they make a shower of golden sparks and give off a high-pitched noise that would make any dog within a hundred-mile radius try to drown himself/herself in his/her own water bowl. Very annoying, but there's something cool you can do with them.

Simply hold the top of a Piccolo Pete against a hard flat surface, take a hammer, and hammer the top shut. Give it a couple of extra whacks if needed. Just make sure that the top is closed off, but still fairly intact. Light it, and the muthafucka will explode. Please note that this may not happen right off the bat after you light it, and it may not work at all. It takes practice getting it right.

I'm now calling this experiment "Bang-Droppin' Petey" in honor of Matt's new "cool word."

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 07/03/2004 12:26 AM EST

I think you need to find those movies and get them online.

Me and a friend made Rocket Cars once... strapped model rocket engines to plastic cars we bought from walmart.... its effing awesome. And legal! I think.

Chestnuts roasted by Piscez @ 07/03/2004 12:30 AM EST

Matt, when you do light the skeleton firework, make sure you take pictures and update the firework article. I want to see what it does! Oh, and just a note. I haven't done anything for 4th of July in years..fireworks are banned around where I live too. In the sense that there's nowhere to shoot them off without starting a fire and killing 30 people.

Chestnuts roasted by Aristobulus @ 07/03/2004 01:04 AM EST

The Tanks are perhaps the greatest fireworks ever made. A traditional favorite activity is to face off two tanks and light them, betting on the winner, as one will invariably catch on fire and burn to ash, as the other tank stands proudly in triumph.
Then, place firecrackers in the little holes left in the winning tank, and watch it a'splode.
Ah, memories.

Chestnuts roasted by James @ 07/03/2004 01:31 AM EST

In the Palm Springs desert area they ban fireworks in the tourist towns but they're legal in the poorer areas, so as you drive down the highway there are signs every few miles telling you whether you can have fireworks or not. It's completely random and silly; I don't think that the dry brush/fire hazards care which side of the county line they're on. They put on an amazing show last year, though, at the Polo Club, of all places (Click my name for the pics I took of the show).

Chestnuts roasted by squee4242 @ 07/03/2004 01:40 AM EST

Here in Connecticut, they legalized a lot of fireworks a few years ago, and, let me tell you, it is glorious to walk into Stop & Shop and see a rack of $25 firework collections. The only thing missing is collector's numbers on the side of them, as in "collect them all now, before they're gone, and when they're gone, your head's gone. No billy, don't touch that."

*sigh*

-quentin mcalmott

Chestnuts roasted by quentin mcalmott @ 07/03/2004 01:54 AM EST

No one seems really big on fireworks around here, there are a few on Canada Day and some on New Year's...nothing big.

I do remember playing something really very dangerous on a vacation to Winnepeg. It was called 'Roman Candle Tag'. The objective was that we all bought as many roman candles as we could, lit 'em up and tried to shoot them at each other. No one got 'tagged' per say, but its not an activity I advise the kids to undertake.

Remember your safety goggles people!

Chestnuts roasted by Cannibalizer @ 07/03/2004 02:37 AM EST

Dear matt
cook your fish on the 4th of july.
Ps I would send you some fireworks but i dont think sending explosives through the mail is good.

Chestnuts roasted by alex @ 07/03/2004 02:41 AM EST

I could however, email you pictures of them
Then more pictures of me enjoying them.
Oh no... I'm sure you have plenty of your own fireworks to enjoy..OH WHATI WOOPS

Chestnuts roasted by alex @ 07/03/2004 02:44 AM EST

Where I live in Cali fireworks are legal. Last year my cousin lit up like 5 boxes of those skeleton type fireworks and it made a big strobe light effect. I was seeing spots for 2 minutes.

Chestnuts roasted by pikacuhlover @ 07/03/2004 03:28 AM EST

Good fireworks are illegal in my little hell-hole of a state, (PA)too. But, the ones you mention are rather fun too.

What makes it worse is that my one Aunt has SHITTY taste in fireworks. One year, she bought some "fireworks" that shot PAPER STREAMERS and nothing else for crying out loud.

Anyway, usually we go to my Uncle Greg and Aunt Gale's house instead. He gets GREAT fireworks and lives in a spot where they don't care what you do. But, We're not going there this year. -_-

Oh well, I'm going to bed now. Free-Comic-Day is tomarrow!

Chestnuts roasted by Tetsu Deinonychus @ 07/03/2004 03:37 AM EST

Awesome pics! Great article!

Chestnuts roasted by sfghsfgh @ 07/03/2004 03:39 AM EST

I just lit off some cheapy called a "June Bug" that was pretty darn cool. Actually, it was fucking awesome, but I'm a bit depressed about Marlon Brando's passing, so it's hard to be free with the hyperbole. Anybody else hitting the video stores this weekend for a screening of some classics? I'm thinking "A Streetcar Named Desire" and "Apocalypse Now".

Chestnuts roasted by squee4242 @ 07/03/2004 04:31 AM EST

Matt! What, no reference to the fact that the Cobra Black Snakes have a "WARINING" label? I mean you did catch that the Tank was made in "Cihna".

Chestnuts roasted by jhnnywalkr @ 07/03/2004 05:12 AM EST

Fireworks rule! I always like taking my bottle rockets and loading in my "Nemesis" figure and launching them from his man pad rocket launcher at my other "Resident Evil" toys. Way cool! To everyone have a safe 4th, watch your fingers.

Chestnuts roasted by Caylor @ 07/03/2004 06:05 AM EST

jhnnywalkr, I was just coming here to post about the WARINING. That extra I, he's a sneaky one.

Chestnuts roasted by trajeal @ 07/03/2004 07:18 AM EST

The smoke from the Smoke Bombs reminds me of the end of Time Bandits.
"Don't touch that, mum! It's EEE-VIL!"

Chestnuts roasted by trajeal @ 07/03/2004 07:30 AM EST

Years ago I was shooting off Roman candles but I held on to one too tight. You guessed it... it blew up in my hand. Turned it all black and stuff. No need for hospital, but I slept all night with my hand in a bucket of cold water. Didn't piss myself thank God! Told my Mom the next day I had burnt it on a radiator cap at work.

Chestnuts roasted by Joe @ 07/03/2004 08:35 AM EST

Hey Matt, not to get too off topic but my better half and I went to see Super Size Me last night. I don't know if you've seen it but it was sort of like watching one of your McD's/Burger King articles, only this guy was eating it three times a day seven days a week for a month. I felt vicariously nauseated for the guy halfway through the movie.

On topic: we used to make that cobra egg thing in the ancient wall-sized autoclave in chemistry lab.

Chestnuts roasted by Molten @ 07/03/2004 08:58 AM EST

This comment also has nothing to do with fourth of July, but being Canadian I blew all my fireworks two days ago. But Mare Winnigham is coming back to TVland on CBS!!!! It's called Clubhouse and it "tells the tale of an adolescent batboy (Jeremy Sumpter) for a fictional New York baseball team (Mare Winningham co-stars). More Mare for all,

Chestnuts roasted by Brentantation @ 07/03/2004 09:32 AM EST

I never thought Missouri was a great place to live until I found out EVERYWHERE ELSE MAKES FIREWORKS ILLEGAL!!! That's just unpatriotic - James Adams or one of the founding fathers said that it was our duty to light the skies with fire to remember those who sacrificed for freedom...or something. Either way, its how I get the fireworks that "pop" every year.

Chestnuts roasted by Lauren @ 07/03/2004 10:32 AM EST

Here in Lubbock, Fireworks are banned inside city limits. However, there is plenty of room outside the city...

You do have to be careful, because it is SO dry here that you could start a fire just by thinking about it.

I haven't done any fireworks in years, but I enjoy watching other people do theire (as well as the "professional" fireworks).

Chestnuts roasted by Cameron @ 07/03/2004 11:01 AM EST

Ah yes. Celebrate the freedom of your nation by blowing up a small part of it.
I LIKE IT WHEN THINGS GO KABLOOIE!

Chestnuts roasted by The Dragonrider @ 07/03/2004 01:48 PM EST

Here in Canada, we never get any good fireworks. My grandparents used to go to Home Hardware and buy a variety pack of cheep ones, albiet fun and exciting ones. I know mostly about those snakes from South Park, but i've never seen 'em in real life.

happy 4th of july.

Chestnuts roasted by G. Tubman @ 07/03/2004 02:04 PM EST

The Tanks ain't new.. I've known them for years.. They are my favorite fireworks. My favorites were Bees and Cone Fountains

Chestnuts roasted by Mike @ 07/03/2004 02:40 PM EST

In my little neighborhood in Missouri fireworks are banned. Of course that doesn't stop my neighbors from shooting off fireworks from the first of July till the end of August starting as soon as it gets dark and going till at least 2am. They must spend a couple of thousand each year on fireworks. As for me, for some reason I've always hated fireworks and used to hide in the car in the field we had to go to to shoot off some fireworks. Wasn't a fun time for me.

Chestnuts roasted by Stacey @ 07/03/2004 03:27 PM EST

here in the ssouthwest and south.. Some Bombs double as Mesquito killers as the smoke drives them away from biting you all up as the Mequitos are deadly where I live.. Light a smoke bomb and watch them all choke off.

Chestnuts roasted by Mike @ 07/03/2004 03:29 PM EST

I just saw Supersize Me today and it's pretty good. I'd recommend it to anyone.

Fireworks are banned here also (IA). But at least you can find things like tanks, smoke bombs, and that one other thing that exploded Matt. Here, they only things you can find are the poppers, snakes, and sparklers.

Chestnuts roasted by JLAJRC @ 07/03/2004 06:14 PM EST

So.....America gained independance from England.......but fast forward into the present - Now you can buy all manner of comedy fireworks explosive type things ANYWHERE in England, but in some places in the USA they're illegal - Who really won, huh ?

(Disclaimer : This post is supposed to be funny, not an attack against americana)

Chestnuts roasted by Pablo @ 07/03/2004 07:29 PM EST

Nice.

If you ever go to Butte, Montana, almost everybody launches their own mini-mortar. When we went for the 4th a couple of years ago, it was amazing how many big fireworks were launched by just one family a couple doors down, let alone the combined forces of Butte.

Chestnuts roasted by Mat Olson @ 07/03/2004 07:30 PM EST

Piscez-My borther and his friend once did that with a cheap model airplane made of balsa wood and paper. It flew pretty good, even if it was rather random in its direction.

Pablo-Y'know, it's funny. Here in America, we can easily obtain guns, but we can't buy decent fireworks. And yet in England, people can buy decent fireworks, but it's much harder for them to get a gun.

Anyway, I think this 4th, like all others (except the ones when I was a kid), is gonna be pretty lame because my friends here back home are lame and don't do anything...period. It's times like these that I wish I were with my friends at school in Canada. They're actually fun.

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 07/03/2004 08:18 PM EST

Correction:"flew pretty good" should be "flew pretty well"

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 07/03/2004 08:21 PM EST

Sparklers: The most fun you can have getting a third-degree burn on your fingers. Where we all learned about heat transfer by conduction through a small wire.
The burning finger of God, writing messages that would hover in our persistence of vision, though God's last commandment seemed to always be a huge "O" or "8".
The fun of arc welding without sheet metal or the cool mask from "The Exterminator*". Yet, the cornea damage remains!
The joy of throwing a lit sparkler into the sky and watching your impromptu nighttime rocket. The horror of watching it's return towards your upturned face, still ablaze. The reward of getting yet another toss before it's hellish spark gives out, or the experience of playing DC Comic's Firestorm.

Sparklers are America
Flashy
Hot-natured
Pointed
Blinding
Awsome!

* http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0080707/

Chestnuts roasted by Aconite @ 07/03/2004 09:25 PM EST

Stacey, I don't like fireworks, either. I actually used the baby being tired as an excuse to leave a picnic today b/c they were just about to set them off. I'm not afraid of them or anything - they just do nothing for me. I know the baby would have been freaking, anyway. She practically had a coronary at the Air Show we went to on Father's Day. If she's like the other two, she'll be afraid until she's three or so and then be ok. Then, I'll be stuck watching them, no excuses. Well, I've got at least one more Fourth of July in peace and non-smokey quiet.

Chestnuts roasted by trajeal @ 07/03/2004 09:27 PM EST

I don't like fireworks that make noise, but, pretty ones rock.

I'd make a set up afore where I'd have abotu 3 huge cones that spray tons of pretty colourful sparks, and, alot of smoke bombs just set up around the base, all different colours, the result? A giant spray of sparks and pretty smoke..

Chestnuts roasted by Teh Bret @ 07/03/2004 09:56 PM EST

Oh, and, I hate the strobers, those give me one hell of a headache, yet, my brother loves them ;_;

Chestnuts roasted by Teh Bret @ 07/03/2004 10:05 PM EST

about 4 years ago we spent $100 (about $65 US) on fireworks for either new years or christmas and it came with a turtle, similar to the army tank except it had wheels so when sparks would fly from its rear it would wheel along. that was cool. happy 4th of july you yanks! :-)

Chestnuts roasted by Rachel Cakes @ 07/03/2004 10:08 PM EST

Fireworks are just as illegal here in southeastern New Jersey for the general public as they are in Staten Island, but for a couple of years running, my dad managed to import some from my cousin in Virginia (where they apparently are free and legal). I'll bet he probably still has a few somewhere. He and my brother set them off in the front driveway for a few years running. Before that, he'd pack all six of us in his old truck and bundle us down to the Cape May Canal and set them off while we ran around with sparklers and tried to keep the damn things lit for more than three seconds.

I am going to be seeing fireworks this year, as I live about three or four blocks from where they're set off on the beach, but that's all I'm going to be able to do. I'm going to spend most of my holiday inside a grocery store trying to ring up 800,000 people who were crazy enough to to go shopping on a major holiday. : 0 p

Chestnuts roasted by starwenn @ 07/03/2004 10:19 PM EST

Here in Michigan,fireworks are legal,except for bottle rockets and Roman candles. I've heard stories of people going down to stores on the Indiana border to get that kind of stuff.

I like smokeballs,becuase I can put them down mole holes in my yard and see the smoke come out. One time,I put one down one hole,and smoke was coming out another one,just a little ways away.

Chestnuts roasted by Overlord @ 07/03/2004 10:36 PM EST

Fireworks are illegal in douglas county of Omaha, but, they're legal everywhere else, so, we jsut go a few blocks to a firewrosk tent, and, pick up a few, it's no biggie

Chestnuts roasted by Teh Bret @ 07/03/2004 11:00 PM EST

I remember driving with my folks to South Dakota as a kid to buy fireworks. I swear, you could buy dynamite there if you had the cash.
We also saved Pepsi bottles for our bottle rocket fights. We'd go to the construction site and shoot them at each other. I'm amazed any of us still have our vision. Good times.

Chestnuts roasted by Peg @ 07/03/2004 11:34 PM EST

I just moved to the dryest damn part of California (the mojave) in January, and I'm going to miss the hell out of fireworks. Out here, everything that stands even a remote chance of lighting a fir is illegal (not that I'd be too worried about burning the desert down) but back home in Wyoming it's basically anything goes. In fact I think roughly 1/4 of the Wyoming economy is based on selling fireworks to the less fortunate surrounding states. I'm really going to misss having my own mortars and M 80's to play with this year.

Chestnuts roasted by Ghalidrim @ 07/03/2004 11:56 PM EST

Ahh no just watching these things blow for me. It's time for a time honored tradition of a fireworks war, boy I hope no one gets hurt(Actually it's ok as long as it's not me he he).

Chestnuts roasted by Lawn Gnome From Hell @ 07/04/2004 12:23 AM EST

Oh ya and I live in Illinois so fireworks are illegal, but I live about 10 miles from the Wisconsin border and there is literally a firework depot sitting on the border line. Oh ya and I love those tank things, if you get two light both and let them go at it.

Chestnuts roasted by Lawn Gnome From Hell @ 07/04/2004 12:26 AM EST

My friends and I used to make what we called Bundles of Joy. Basically take a whole mess of fireworks, anything you can find, stick them in a cardboard box, set the box on fire, and retreat to a safe distance. The biggest ne we ever made had about $80 worth of cheapo fireworks in it, and stuff kept going off and popping for a good half hour. Mucho el funno.

We used to also make our own smoke bombs, which is a ridiculously easy formula, though for legal purposes I won't be sharing it here.

Chestnuts roasted by Hellpop! @ 07/04/2004 02:15 AM EST

Growing up in Illinois I had the same plight. All my friends would obtain contraband fireworks from Wisconsin or Indiana, but not me. All my friends had cherry bombs and bottle rockets. I was so jealous. I remember the most coveted Pyrotechnic was the M-80. It was allegedly as powerful as 1/4 stick of Dynamite. Dozens of people were killed and maimed by these every year. One year I was about ten. I found a device called The M-80 "Smoke� at the local Ben Franklin. I couldn't believe my fortune. I had hit the jackpot in this little craft store. I would finally rule the School so to speak. I plopped down $.75 for what must have been, in my mind, some sort of shipping mistake. I envisioned the sight. The power of the elusive M-80 that explodes in a billowing cloud of smoke. It was going to be nearly lethal. I'm talking serious Shock and Awe. I got all my friends together and we strolled down the local retention pond. I was almost too scared to light the fuse. I remember getting it lit and all of us ran away as fast as we could. To our Horror all that came out of this diabolical looking red cardboard tube of destruction was a tiny puff of smoke. It wasn't even colored. My friends and I were terrified to even walk over and inspect. You can never be sure what deadly tricks the M-80 will play on you. We concluded that this particular M-80 Smoke must have been a dud. We marched back to the store and asked for a refund or an exchange. The clerk said there were no refunds on Fire Works. "You don't understand," We Pleaded. "All that happened was some smoke came out. This is an M-80 Smoke there was no explosion. "That's just some name for a stupid Smoke bomb," He said. "You Can't Buy M-80's in Illinois its illegal." The Clerked got a great laugh out of that. He even got the old lady that worked in crafts and told her so she could laugh at us. My friends never let me hear the end of it. Oh well Here�s hopping everyone has a great 4th

Chestnuts roasted by Joe in Atx @ 07/04/2004 03:17 AM EST

hey anyoneknow how to make cheap shit good cause i live in cali and the fireworks out here suck balls so someone leet me know.

Chestnuts roasted by PYRO @ 07/04/2004 03:45 AM EST

I'm lucky, not only are fireworks legal here, but my crazy-ass neighbors down the street always have a million bottle rockets. I can watch the whole thing from my bed. Last year, one of them didn't detonate 'till it hit the ground. It didn't seem to phase them much, but I couldn't see what was going on.

Here's a fun display:
-Aim any creature-shaped firework that shoots sparks from its mouth at a discharged Friendship Pagoda.
-Aim tanks at the creature.
-Let the battle for the pagoda begin! *tank charges at the frog* "No! Don't be a hero!"

Chestnuts roasted by RewolfJ @ 07/04/2004 06:11 AM EST

Heh, I already knew most of this, but you forgot one cheap and legal firecracker, though it may not be common anywhere but the west coast and NY NY.

Red Snappers, or Chinese Dozens, the name depends upon the region. It's the red length of firecracker that is traditionally set off at New Years. It makes one helluv a racket, but it's as legal as Ground Blossoms and sparklers! ^.^

Chestnuts roasted by Tachikoma @ 07/04/2004 06:15 AM EST

matt, how U? so happy 4th, me and cheryl got some low end stuff, i'll give you notes in a couple days, happy 4th of july People!!!! woooo
hoo

Chestnuts roasted by obelisk @ 07/04/2004 06:22 AM EST

Man, this article takes me back. Never went to a �real firework show� until I was an adult.

The coolest thing about the ground bloom flowers was letting them off on a dock at a lake, once the flower was spinning it didn't matter that it was under water. You would see bubbles of smoke coming from it.

As for the bumblebees, we would set as many as possible so the wicks were touching and light them off at the same time � it actually turned the whole mess into killer bees. Those things flying in every direction and almost hitting us was the best part of the fourth.

Finally, there is the fun with Snap-its, or whatever the particular name brand is. In the 80s in Washington, you could get those all year round. We would snap them in between our fingers, or create �Super Snap-its� by combining the pepper-looking substance from a lot of them into a single wrapper.

Chestnuts roasted by beatnikmao @ 07/04/2004 07:23 AM EST

Hey Matt!
I grew up where fireworks were legal. Early in June, the tents would be raised and soon, we'd have have the gunpowder smell in our noses.(The smoke from those Cobra snakes really sucked bad.) I miss those days!

Chestnuts roasted by Andy @ 07/04/2004 07:52 AM EST

wow, a page that has near everything that explodes...couldnt find the boeing section or the stupid tall building section though...

Chestnuts roasted by whoaw @ 07/04/2004 08:02 AM EST

Drinking and pyromania... it's the American way.

Chestnuts roasted by Hope @ 07/04/2004 08:32 AM EST

damn i love tequila...what kind do you drink matt...hopefully not that cheap crap jose cuervo...me i like cabo wabo reposado, and patron silver and reposado...doesnt get any better than that.

Chestnuts roasted by five-oh @ 07/04/2004 09:23 AM EST

We had a couple of guys who lived down the street from us, kniwn locally as The Graverobbing Brothers (I don't know the story behind that nickname, although I kind of wish I did). They used to get one of those big handled pots that you steam clams in, and stick a few M-80s under there, light it and run for cover. The highest the pot ever went was up onto the second story roof, where it proceeded to roll down in a clattering Tumble of Death.
Those crazy Graverobbing brothers.

Also, once my dad had some Roman Candles (they're illegal in CT, but a quick jaunt up to NH and you can hook up). He set one up, and as it began shooting it's colorful balls of light, the wind knocked it over, and shiny, happy orbs became Spheres of Blinding Death. Hurtling green and white swamp gas randomly throughout the yard, the tube would pop over into a new direction after every ejection. Luckily, my dad has a big, open backyard, so nothing was damaged (well, except maybe his pride), but it gives us a good story to tell every year at his Fourth of July picnic.

Chestnuts roasted by trajeal @ 07/04/2004 09:35 AM EST

Tried postin' yesterday, but something kept me from being able to do so. . .anyhow, I've been getting as fat and as drunk as I can for the past two days and blowing up a ton of fireworks. Luckily my uncle works for a police dept - you can only imagine the numerous amounts of fireworks he gets from confiscations!

~You see what we have to work with here?!

Chestnuts roasted by Bang-Droppin' Mugzy. . . @ 07/04/2004 10:41 AM EST

I have about 800 dollars worth of firework here in Florida, I am going to pissed off everyone in this shitty little town. Screw smoke bombs I got freaking shells boxs of them. I like ground blooms, their best when you a army man in fron of them light the fuse and wait for the carnage to come. flaming balls being shot in the sky and no pissed wife in sight god bless america

Chestnuts roasted by Daniel @ 07/04/2004 12:25 PM EST

sorry about the typos I am so freaking excited about the shear about of noise I will inflict upon the quiet citizens and crackheads of this towns. A crackhed freaking out and screaming the devil is after him as a result of the fireworks is worth 400 points.

Chestnuts roasted by Daniel @ 07/04/2004 12:38 PM EST

amount of noise I mean goddamn typos.

Chestnuts roasted by Daniel @ 07/04/2004 12:39 PM EST

I never liked lighting firecrackers....I was always afraid my hand would blow off, but remember those Mini Bombs from years ago? They used to come with the cards like "Bat Warfare" and "Mutant Worms"....and you'd throw them on the ground and they'd make a noise? Ah yes, noisemakers for us scared kids.

Chestnuts roasted by Pete @ 07/04/2004 01:05 PM EST

Great fireworks article, Matt, laughed my ass off. You have captured perfectly the proper "fireworks mindset." Recalls my high school days back in the 60s, when you could mail-order genuine M80/Silver Salute/cherry bomb casings, waterproof fuse (110 feet for a buck!) and the chemicals to make the flash powder, right from the ads in the back pages of Popular Science magazine. Even now, at the doddering age of 52, I can't spend more than 30 seconds inside a fireworks store without having to suppress a big grin.

Chestnuts roasted by Miguelito @ 07/04/2004 02:06 PM EST

Matt, please at least make a gif of your younger self appearing from within a smoke bomb. I always wanted to do the same thing for my videos, but the only time I could get the smoke bombs was at the St. Patrick's Day Parade here in Boston. If the state troopers didn't watch the New Hampshire border fireworks stores for Massachusetts plates this time of year I would run up to get some goodies today.

Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 07/04/2004 02:09 PM EST

Oh my god. The Black Cobra's look like black, coaly, pieces of shit. I would have nailed a friend in the forehead with those poppers. Exploding Snaps. Hmmm.

Chestnuts roasted by Mikayla @ 07/04/2004 03:05 PM EST

My town had their "Honor America Day" last night at the park. When it came time for the event-ending display, I was right across the river (small river) from the launching area. Suckers were TH-BOOMing right over my head. In the event of a firework war, always have a Saturn Missle Battery handy. The big 30-plus launcher, if you can find one. I've never know a time when one didn't clear the area in record time.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 07/04/2004 03:14 PM EST

WHOOOOSSSHH! KA-BOOOMM!

click me

Chestnuts roasted by Light kingklash, then get away. @ 07/04/2004 03:21 PM EST

In Ohio it's legal to sell fireworks, but not to set them off. How screwed up is that? Anyway you go to the store and get your fireworks then sign a paper saying you won't set them off in Ohio and you are taking them out of state to some addres you could just make up on the spot.(I did not do that, but it is probable that someone could)

Chestnuts roasted by candybar @ 07/04/2004 03:35 PM EST

Caution: Carefully read other cautions

Anyone else find that warning on the pop pops box hillarious?

Chestnuts roasted by Vyle @ 07/04/2004 05:14 PM EST

Oh, before I forget, to those of you who, like my nephew (his mom is the sister in Iraq), were born on this day: Have a Happy Birthday, the whole lot of you. I'm off to help monitor a pool party for the nine-year-old crowd, pray for my sanity! See ya!

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 07/04/2004 05:25 PM EST

Fish!

Chestnuts roasted by I authored the "Police Line Do Not Cross" Markers @ 07/04/2004 06:05 PM EST

Thanks for the page, it killed some time of being stuck at work on the 4th (pity me).

Chestnuts roasted by Steve / Colorado @ 07/04/2004 06:47 PM EST

Matt -
Have you seen the new Spider-Man/Captain America/Hulk Popsicles? Just had one with my boy. Pretty much all taste grape.

Joe

Chestnuts roasted by Joe in OH @ 07/04/2004 07:47 PM EST

Yo! Matt, great shit. I hope you still have all 10 fingers by the time you read this.

Peas...

Jimmy

Chestnuts roasted by Jimmy Samsara @ 07/04/2004 09:21 PM EST

Dear "teh bret"
im from omaha too
Lets not meet

Chestnuts roasted by alex @ 07/05/2004 12:00 AM EST

You have to wrap the piccolo petes in duct tape to ensure the integrity of the piccolo pete bomb before whacking them with a hammer, wrap 4 or 5 together to create a really good bomb.

Chestnuts roasted by Mandie @ 07/05/2004 02:00 PM EST

Just a note: light the Ground Bloom Flower and then immediately drop it in water. Make sure there's enough room for it to zoom around.

Chestnuts roasted by snarkygurl @ 07/05/2004 02:18 PM EST

I always liked those fireworks that whistled a really high pitch sound for a long time. My friends and I used to always set those off when people were giving speeches. Quite hilarious; for us anyway!

Chestnuts roasted by Admiral79 @ 07/05/2004 06:29 PM EST

I wish you had written this article like 10 years ago Matt. I thought all Roman Candles shot from the end. So, one night, as I was showing off in front of my friends, I climbed up on the roof of my house to be one with the Gods. I lit the fuse prepared to shoot bolts of lightning from my hand. But the guilty pleasure of being a God soon turned to horror as it turns out that it was one of those Roman Candles that shot out from the side. OH THE HUMANITY! The emergency room was not a good place to be that night.

Chestnuts roasted by Admiral79 @ 07/05/2004 06:36 PM EST

Being an American living in New Zealand, it's really hard to keep up with your native holidays. But reading your fireworks article had me pissing in laughter and feeling a massive nostalgia at the same time. You will forever rock bro.

Chestnuts roasted by Jerome Lepulu @ 07/05/2004 11:43 PM EST

Joe in OH-I have those in my freezer. Ever notice how the colour pattern on the actual pops is not loyal that which is shown on the packaging.

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 07/06/2004 01:35 AM EST

Ground flowers are pretty much the only fireworks my brother and I buy nowadays. In Hawaii, we get them as "Morning Glories." Shrug. The beauty of those suckers is that if you pinch them justtt right with a pair of pliers, they turn into a mini-m80. Who needs any other firework! Dance ground flower, dance! Bang drop it. Happy belated 4th Matt.

Chestnuts roasted by Christian @ 07/06/2004 01:44 AM EST

Wow, the fourth is over and my poor little wick ligher is still hot as a branding iron from the hours of abuse. It's so hard to get fireworks here in San Jose, we have to drive to gilroy and even there the fireworks all suck and have that dorky "safe and sane" seal on them. When I was 11 or so, my grandparent's friend gave me a box of 50 odd M60s (about what a cherry bomb is). Now I'm stuck with sparklers and fountains, but oh well, it's still fun as hell. And the crazy dudes down the street are still setting off huge rockets, for the 7th day now. Cool.

Chestnuts roasted by EhhEff @ 07/06/2004 01:44 AM EST

Nate -
Yeah, they are a little disappointing. The funny part is that they are called "Firecrackers". I was expecting those big-ass bomb pops I used to get from the ice-cream man. While I was eating a Hulk one, my wife pointed out that the purple part was Hulk's pants. She then accused me of going down on the Hulkster. She's a sick, sick woman.

Chestnuts roasted by Joe in OH @ 07/06/2004 06:42 AM EST

Ow ow ow ow ow ow. I got a big blister from some cheap knock off of a "black cat". We made the mistake of going to the "buy one get 1,000,000,000 free" fireworks stand outside the city limits. Where do they find people to work at those things? I think on the food chain, fireworks stall guys must be lower than carnies. Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow!

Chestnuts roasted by Blah...blah @ 07/06/2004 10:24 AM EST

You know, those smoke bombs can be quite dangerous in the hands of a bored kid. I used to wrap mine up in several layers of duct tape, or worse, metallic duct tape, or even even worse, duct tape AND metallic duct tape. The results were highly unpredictable, but there was more than once that they would shoot a good ten or fifteen feet in the air before violently exploding. Wear safety goggles and a jock strap, kids!

Chestnuts roasted by Crooked @ 07/06/2004 03:14 PM EST

Two things. I used to light those snakes off as a kid, it was the only fun I was allowed on the 4th back then. Also, I too used to collect the discarded fireworks the day after. Rock on Matt.

Chestnuts roasted by Black Zarak @ 07/07/2004 12:34 AM EST

When my friend and I were about 16 or so when we'd launch smokeballs out of slingshots at night in his backyard. One would hold the ball in the pouch and pulled back, the other would light the wick. When it got down far enough we'd let the smokeball go flying. I have no idea what happened. But we did the same thing with superballs (Back when they cost a dime!) and rocks at night. Nothing like youthful stupidity.

Chestnuts roasted by Nick @ 07/07/2004 05:09 AM EST

When Yoda fought Count Dooku, didn't he look like a Ground Blooming Flower?

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 07/07/2004 04:15 PM EST

If any of you have the money (and the vaccinations) to go to the Phillipines, go there for New Year's Eve. The Phillipines for me was like Indonesia, Mexico, and Japan rolled into one joint of an island nation. They had all sorts of kickass fireworks like pinwheels the size baseball bats, fountains capable of melting metal, and an infinite supply of cheap firecrackers. They even upped the ante on sparklers; unlike American sparklers that just fizzle and shoot off quite harmless sparks, these things were like sticks of thermite. Plus, unlike the kids here who seem to never be able to use a single firecracker without blowing their fingers off, nobody in the that country ever raised an eyebrow of concern. Kids were shooting bottle rockets at everything and nobody cared. Unfortunately, the last time I went there was when I was nine and my mother kept me away from the big stuff.

Chestnuts roasted by Pieborg @ 07/08/2004 12:03 AM EST

Ok, that made me laugh my fucking ass off. Being a child of the 80's I remember all that shit (except the last one). I also remember hunting firework garbage for toys!

Here's my personal tale of smoke bombs.

I had a science fair at my catholic grade school in the Bronx (yeah the boogie down version in NYC). As most catholic students are want to do, my dad built the thing. It was a volcano.

So the day comes and I bring in a pocket full of 2-3 smoke bombs. In the huge cafeteria classmates beg me to light one for the judges.

I'm scared shitless, but then my simple child mind thinks. "Fuck, this is a SCIENCE fair right?! These little fuckers are full of science!". Plus I was failing the class.

So the judges come over and I show them the smoke bomb at the end and tell them I could get it to smoke like a real life volcano. They all laugh and tell me to go ahead.

At this point I realized that I just showed an illegal firework to 3 adults at my CATHOLIC school's science fair. There were fucking NUNS there for shit sake.

Yet they thought nothing of it. Science is so cool.

Anyway, out comes the Bic lighter I stole from my mother. Again, they say nothing about a 10 yr. old with a god damned lighter in school!

At this point, who the fuck doesn't LOVE science right now!?

Anyway, I light it and chuck it in. Nothing happens. I completely forgot that some of these suckers spout a jet of flame instead of smoke and must be quickly blown out so the smoking can commence. This just HAD to me that kind of smoke bomb.

In my hand goes pulling out the boiling hot mass and I blow the flame out in one go and drop it in before I lose a finger.

Then. Oh my. Then the smoke. Seriously, the sheer amount of smoke that came out of that 10yr. old testicle sized ball would've baffled Einstein himself.

The rest is a blur. The cafeteria fills with smoke where you can't go anywhere without choking. The entire science fair is evacuated. Nuns are running to open all windows. I distinctly remember the principal being rushed out.

Oh was I the man for a while after that!

Thankfully I didn't get in trouble. A stern talking to and a complete lie saying I had no idea it would do that and I just wanted to make my volcano smoke to get a good grade was all that came of it.

Oh, and I passed. smile

Chestnuts roasted by John F @ 07/08/2004 12:51 AM EST

o_o

The best "fireworks" I've ever set off were just plain fire crackers.

I phail... *sniff*

Chestnuts roasted by marril159 @ 07/09/2004 12:13 AM EST

Nothing beats shooting firewiorks underwater. The trick is to time it just right but the results are well worth it. Bottle rockets and their big brother Texas Rockets are the easiest but the most rewarding are the ground blooms. There's just something cool about seeing something explode underwater. Call me sad but that's the truth.

Chestnuts roasted by Chris W @ 07/09/2004 09:31 AM EST

The 4th of july for my group of friends is that special time in the year when we can mame each other guilt free. Nothing is off limits when the sparks fly be it face,groin, hair, gas tank or clothing. We don't use no pussy snap and pops though we use the good stuff. We find roman candles to be the most accurate at direct hits but the bottle rocket should not be under estimated when in the hands of a professional. Saturn rockets although less harmful than good ol' roman candles are the scariest sounding and fastest shooting fireworks ranging from 24 to 64 shots. The saturns will clear the battle feild quickly and hilariously. Next would be the spark shooting happiness fireworks we like to use as hand grenades. They are also the most dangerous burning at thousands of degrees and ending in a dazzling burn. But the grand daddy of murder fireworks would have to be the festival ball. This bad boy is meant to be shot out of a mortar to heights of hundreds of feet ending in a very large explosion. We find them much more fun to throw at each other. just lob one in any direction and hope to god it doesn't hit you. the festival ball expolsion can reach up to a twenty foot diameter or death. This year we each spent a good 200 dollars a peice on fireworks. The good stuff isn't the most expensive either around here you can get a 6 pack of roman candles for 1.75 and 144 bottle rockets for the same. Festival balls will range from 1.00 a peice for the single shot to 3.00 a peice for the triple shot. To make it even more fun this year i bought 50 dollars of rubbing alchohol and filled my super soaker 2000 with it. It shouldn't be so easy to make a steady 20 FOOT FLAME. Unlike gasoline rubbing alcohol does not explode and burns at a lower temperature so it's less emergency room fun and more HOLY SHIT! YOU JUST SHOT A 20 FOOT STREAM OF FIRE kind. On my first try i accidentally caught my best friends shirt on fire while standing the twenty feet away. Luckily since it's only rubbing alcohol he mearly patted it out and it did not even leave a mark on his shirt and no burns whatsoever, God bless rubbing alcohol. Better yet was when i made a flaming stream on the grass and the slid down a trail of fire as though Marty McFly.Let me get even more off subject by saying that rubbing alcohol is the greatest invention known to man. It's 50 cents a bottle a dollar at most and you can have hours of fun with it! Anyway i guess my ramblings all lead up to the point that if you can't attain fireworks where you live get the God blessed life blood of America rubbing alcohol and go nuts.

Chestnuts roasted by GreekMaster @ 07/11/2004 12:22 AM EST

I have been a profesional pyrotechnician for 25 years doing shows all around the west of the u.s, [on the fourth of july] normally i am a electrician but on the 4th i get to blow 3,4,5,6,and even ten inch shells, if any of you RRReeeaaaallllyyy LOVE FIREWORKS CHECK OUT how to get your license in your state on the fourth this year me and my buds did a 6.000 dollar show at forks wa. let somebody else pay for the shit you just have the fun and glory of setting it off ..........and bye the way as a kid I madw my own from a company that would mail you tubes fuse chemicals etc. Inow have 9 fingers so I let the chinese make the shit and i just light ... pyro in washington

Chestnuts roasted by lowtideblues@aol.com @ 07/15/2004 09:42 AM EST

Ok, I may be a bit late on this topic, but I have a story I just have to share. Being from Ohio, where you can buy fireworks but it illegal to set them off, I was parentally forbidden to get my own and light em. My dad would every couple of years do a few of the cool ones, but mostly we had smoke bombs, poppers, and sparklers. Not being satisfied, I endeavored to create my own by mixing various components. So after I "went to bed", I'd stay up dismantling things and trying to invent fireworks. The best one I ever came up with goes like this:

Split open some model rocket engines and grind up the contents with NONSPARKING tools. Mix in an equal amount of broken up or powdered grey sparkler matter. Place in one of those plastic cup things you get the from the turn-quarter machines at the supermarket after you take out the plastic jewelry. Make a small hole in the top and insert a fuse from a smoke bomb. Wait until dark, sneak out of house, place on flat level surface in an open area, light, and run like blazes! The model rocket stuff is a propellant, so it launches the mix into the air, and the sparker stuff sparks all at once. If you get the right trajectory, it looks like something out DARKMAN.

Chestnuts roasted by Jimbalaya @ 07/16/2004 01:58 PM EST

Just on a side note to all you Canadian nay-sayers: you must NOT live in Montreal. Last time I checked we have a fireworks FESTIVAL here, yep... fireworks... two or three times a week.. ALL SUMMER LONG. For real... I read somewhere that the estimated cost of each show is between one and ten MILLION dollars... not the same as blowing stuff up yourself.. but still pretty bitchin'

Chestnuts roasted by Keith @ 07/17/2004 06:46 PM EST

Chestnuts roasted by fu ruft uta @ 07/20/2004 08:47 AM EST