05/17/2004 Entry: "JetBlue's "Flying Pilates!""

We flew on JetBlue to and from E3. I'll tell you about the actual event when I feel like coughing up 2,500 words on it, but for now, the flight. JetBlue is really nice. They've got DirectTV screens on the back of each seat, so each passenger watches their own set and gets to choose from about two dozen channels. Long flights go a lot faster when you can pass the time on ancient Hey Arnold! episodes and Animal Planet exposes on how baby koala bears literally eat the shit from their mothers assholes: no, I'm not kidding, I watched it in graphic detail. I half-literally add: holy shit.

Anyway, since JetBlue is all new and stuff, they're really trying to make a name for themselves. You want seconds on the drinks and snacks? Ask! You want two pillows? They'll give you three! Plus, if you're bored on the flight, JetBlue provides a solution with their new pals from Castle Pilates...

Stolen from the plane, here's the "Flying Pilates" tutorial, which gleefully teaches passengers how to annoy the holy fuck out of whomever they're sitting next do by doing all sorts of space invading exercises! Could you imagine this? The seats are crammed enough on those planes. I spent two hours during the flight in using a large woman's hand as an armrest without knowing it. If said woman started breaking out with the "Single Leg Stretches" or "Spine Twists" mid-flight, I would've used my last genie wish to transform into a bomb and kill us all. The back of the tutorial sheet features more incredibly never-gonna-happen-on-a-plane exercises, including one where you're supposed to pretend you're swimming. I don't see these activities gaining steam as midair crowd-pleasers anytime soon, but at least JetBlue's trying to be hip and with it.

Personally, I think bigger bags of pretzels would've sufficed.

www.chrisandsmith.com

Chestnuts roasted by SuperStar @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

The airline sounds cool, but the excercises? F'ed up. This wins the weirdest thing I've seen all day award.

Chestnuts roasted by Cameron @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

hahaha.. Flying Pilates.. even the name cracks me up

Chestnuts roasted by Toxicity- @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

Who wants to do pilates on a plane??? I'd rather they give me extra peanuts. Protien anyone? Yes Ma'm!

Chestnuts roasted by BettieBoo @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

what the fuck is a pilates?

Chestnuts roasted by graves @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

Since I am only 5 feet tall I have never had to complain about not having enough leg room. Sure I have to climb on the counters to reach the top shelf, but at least I'm comfortable in confined spaces!

Chestnuts roasted by Gabbylicious @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

what if you LIKE the petite liqour bottles???

Chestnuts roasted by jigga @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

I have to go with efahg on this one. The part about your teeth gettinf whiter is not funny or clever or anything. It is pure stupidity. I think they should equip the plane with one of those Total Gym things that Chuck Norris and Christie Brinkley gush about in infomercials or perhaps even the infamous nordic track. Anything would be better than a sheet with sretches and horrible jokes.

Chestnuts roasted by phunqsauce @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

Oh yeah, how could I forget about Thigh Master?? "I thought I'd never fit into these jeans again....thank you Thigh Master!"

Chestnuts roasted by phunqsauce @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

This is such a long, beautiful way from America West... I so, freaking, hate, America West...

Chestnuts roasted by Orin @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

Flying Pilates.

Now you can look like a tool at 20,000 feet as well as on the ground.

Let 'em I say. I'll stick to the Petite liquor bottles

Chestnuts roasted by Troy @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

JetBlue...an airline with amenities that are almost good enough to overcome the fear and loathing of Big Brother that comes with patronizing the airline industry.

If an Amtrak sleeper weren't so fucking expensive (try $300 a night for the three-day coast-to-coast trip), I'd take it on my next trip to Boston.

Chestnuts roasted by Monster Dog @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

Matt, be careful with that bomb comment, if eminem can get in trouble for using an old unfinished lyric about killing the president than a well known site like yours could draw that kind of attention, not that that would be a bad thing, but still, don't want to see the site go down in flames or anything, lol

Chestnuts roasted by Will @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

chia pet plot?

Chestnuts roasted by liam @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

JetBlue is awesome...I flew with them from Charlotte to Long Beach last summer, and the flight seemed to take like half an hour. Even the flight attendants were cracking jokes and stuff over the intercom and everything. They did have some weird-ass brochures though. I don't remeber what it was, it may have been flying pilates, but it was damn crazy.

Chestnuts roasted by Kappin @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

Seconds on snacks and drink would be nice, since if you fly on Air Canada like I normally do, they charge you for peanuts ( or sesame sticks since they no longer serve peanuts due to peoples allergies, which is alittle to PC if you ask me ) and soda drinks.

Chestnuts roasted by Naveed @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

Correct me if I'm wrong, but shouldn't the pilates be flying the plane? Or is that why they are "flying pilates"?

Chestnuts roasted by Blah...blah @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

Oh, Blah Blah. Oh you.

Chestnuts roasted by Word Player @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

This goes right up there with Walker-Derby-Destruction!

Next thing you know there wil be Xtreme-Pilates! Tie a bunji chord around your waste and dive off of a bridge while attempting bend, fold, and stretch every limb you can possibly contort! Just make sure to measure the length of the chord compared to the bottom of the drop first. ;)

Chestnuts roasted by Jason @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

I think Flying Pilates was Tito Santana's finishing move.

Chestnuts roasted by KJB @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

Yeah... what the hell are those "Zen" comments under the exercises? And the postscript at the top? .. "For good Karma, always consult a physician before doing any physical exercise."

If these people ran the world, rollercoasters would have this warning: "The following people should not ride this thrill ride: People with heart or back conditions, pregnant women, and those with bad Karma."

Chestnuts roasted by Nachokhaki @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

http://www.pilates.com/cgi-bin/webicart/webicart.cgi?page=pages/index.html&cart_id=Pilates.

Where's kingklash and his Flying Pilates of the Wild Trapeze jokes? Or, maybe Snoopy and the Flying Pilates of the Red Baron?

Duck is gone again, huh? Sniff.

Chestnuts roasted by trajeal @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

Divaah, are you nearly six foot, or just your thighs? Anyroad, here is a favorite Zen story:
The Master and his student are walking along a river, when the Master says, "Our destination lies across." the student then proceeds to walk directly across the river, stepping on top of the water. The Master calls him back. The student asks what is wrong, "You said we are to go across." The Master raps him on top of his head with his walking stick. (fans of martial arts movies know this move) They then walk farther along the bank until they find a ferry and ride across. The Master pops the student again on the head and says, "THIS is how you cross a river."

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

Monty Python's Flying Pilates?

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

Matt- Isn't there something on the sheet about annoying your neighbors? I fly Jet Blue to my parents place upstate, and remember one of their handouts had comments at the bottom about it. Or something.

Chestnuts roasted by Alison @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

Flying Pilates - LMAO

Sounds like the understudies of those C grade circus acrobats that came to my town.

Chestnuts roasted by eyeless @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

Flying Butt Pliers?

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

The diagrams look like an ad for MTV's latest: "The Sedentary Grind, with Eric Nies

Chestnuts roasted by Nachokhaki @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

Flying butt pliers. Nice. I like the ren & stimpy reference. Mad dog hoek and killer kadoooooooogaannnnn!!

Chestnuts roasted by Lobstie @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

I knew you'd come through, king. :-)
"F-whying Pee-what-eeze" - taught be Elmer Fudd.

Chestnuts roasted by trajeal @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

And now, right here on our stage--the Flying Pilates!!

Chestnuts roasted by Luap @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

Pilates of the Carribean?

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

Another nice one King. Duck where are you ?

Chestnuts roasted by Gozer @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

Spine twist? Sounds like one of the Martial Arts moves they teach us Marines. I am not kidding either.
Totally off the subject, but should I buy a $7,000 1980 Cream colored T-Top Corvette? Trying to find convincing arguments for the Mr. Then again if he likes it more than his car i will never get to drive it.

Chestnuts roasted by brite @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

Aside from your choice, brite, if you do get it, I suggest something along the lines of a bumper sticker that says something like "My Other Ride Is Your Husband" or somesuch. Just as long as it reflects poorly on any male driver of the car.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

King, I like the way you think.

Chestnuts roasted by trajeal @ 05/17/2004 02:31 PM EST

No Jet Blue here in Peoria, guess I'm stuck flying United Express looking at the same damn SkyMall catalog for the 50th time.

Chestnuts roasted by Beerstalker @ 05/21/2004 05:33 PM EST

Pilates, Atkins... when will the madness stop!?!
Hey Atkins yuppies, if you want to diet, stop eating heaping piles of food, damnit! You can still eat what you want, just don't pile it on!
It's working for me! I'm not doing any cutting-out-carbs-crap, either!

Some people are stupid.

24-Hour Hollywood Diet my ass!

Chestnuts roasted by AngeFaitore @ 05/22/2004 12:24 PM EST

In answer to someone's query: yes I am 6 feet tall. Airline seats are cruel to those above 5'9".

Chestnuts roasted by Divaah46 @ 05/23/2004 04:36 PM EST

I love it when planes give out free drinks as compensation for being delayed and whatnot. I once got hammered on a plane when this happened.

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 05/28/2004 04:00 PM EST