01/15/2004 Entry: "New Article: Cobra's Chia Plot: Part I!"

I had a movie review planned as the next article, but after putting it together and writing the intro, I found myself in the strange position of not really wanting to write a movie review. So, on the burner it went, and with the days adding up since our last article, I furiously searched for a new topic. After considerable debate, here's what I came up with. Storm Shadow and the Cobra troops growing a Chia Pet to fight G.I. Joe with. That's the story, absolutely true. Enjoy.

Chestnuts roasted by zombielunch @ 01/15/2004 01:47 AM EST

Second post today! woohoo! we have a chia herb garden to grow that we got for christmas. your instructional guide shall help us with our chia product. but theres no animal shape for us, just normal plant pots. :(

they will be edible when complete though! ^_^

Chestnuts roasted by heeloyd @ 01/15/2004 01:54 AM EST

heeloyd, your post made me sad.

Chestnuts roasted by zombielunch @ 01/15/2004 01:57 AM EST

Storm Shadow: Man. The last time I heard a speech like that, a big shark ate Samuel L. Jackson

haaaaaa

Chestnuts roasted by Tunnel Rat @ 01/15/2004 02:05 AM EST

See what happens when you leave the door unlocked? Gabby gets in! :)
I used to have a chia pet. I think it is still around somewhere. I also think that it was a hippopotamus because I like those fat ass things. It grew green sprouts and I loved it then it died because I didn't love it enough to keep it watered.
If you think 16 degrees is cold here the temp is below zero. Add in wind chill and you get in the negative 20s. It's so cold that my dog went out to take a piss and he had a yellow icicle coming out his dick...well maybe not that cold.
This article was another stroke of genius.
Heeloyd I still want you to send me some damn chocodiles.

Chestnuts roasted by Killer Duck @ 01/15/2004 02:36 AM EST

The age of looking out a vehicle window and enjoying nature is truly over for a passenger.
Kids: www.hasbro.com/pl/page.viewproduct/product_id.13275/dn/default.cfm
Adults: www.archos.com/products/av300_series.html

Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 01/15/2004 02:55 AM EST

Now I was never a big G.I. Joe fan in the 80's. I was among the Transformers and He-Man peeps. Though, I did roll with the Chia Pet crowd. I've owned 3 in my lifetime. Sheep, tree.....and Homer Simpson! Doh! Grip sticks out like a sore thumb....or claw, in this case. That reminds me of Clawgrip. Man, I loved Super Mario Bros. 2.

Chestnuts roasted by Armagideon Time @ 01/15/2004 03:06 AM EST

If they had chia pets that grew small flowers I bet the'd sell more. Then you could put it on your head and wear it out to fancy dinnders.

Chestnuts roasted by Killer Duck @ 01/15/2004 03:24 AM EST

I bet Storm Shadow could use his sword and cunning topiary skills to trim the Chia Pet to look like an animal. Yeah I know, it already is an animal...I bet he could make it look like a different animal, like a monkey or a manticore.

Chestnuts roasted by Stilewalker @ 01/15/2004 08:14 AM EST

It has to be said...

Ch-ch-ch-CHIA!

Now that that's out of the way...did anyone else get snow yesterday? I got a good six inches here and they still wouldn't close my school. That's actually good, though - I had the day off, and now my sister is gone. Time to rejoice...and watch some old Looney Tunes cartoons on the DVD player!

Chestnuts roasted by Paul @ 01/15/2004 09:00 AM EST

Awwwww.

I was hoping to see the 3 3/4 inch figures :(

Info on those 12-inch figures:

Storm Shadow was originally released with Snake Eyes in the Spy Troops Movie dvd two-pack. Maybe was released seperately later, I dunno.

- I have no idea what that red repaint of Storm Shadow is.

- Commander Frack is Black Out, the new Cobra sniper.

- Grip is Sand Scorpion from the new Valor vs Venom theme. The smaller 3 3/4 inch one doesn't look as ridiculous.

Chestnuts roasted by FFN @ 01/15/2004 09:25 AM EST

"Sweep The Leg and Wake The Gimp: The Johnny Lawerence Story"
http://www.pattonoswalt.com/ht/johnny_lawrence.html

Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 01/15/2004 09:26 AM EST

The joy of living in a humid climate... raising Chia pets not only provides Chia... but mold as well... lots and lots of mold. The mold wins! M-M-M-Mold!

Chestnuts roasted by Nachokhaki @ 01/15/2004 09:51 AM EST

I loved the part where storm shadow said he was tempted to swich sides.

Chestnuts roasted by Bright Noah @ 01/15/2004 11:15 AM EST

"The last time I heard a speech like that, a big shark ate Samuel L. Jackson."
At this point, I fell out of my chair.

Chestnuts roasted by TwoEvL @ 01/15/2004 11:16 AM EST

I had a Chia Hippo. Got it for Christmas a few years back. I have no clue where it is now. I think it got lost in the shuffle when I moved last year. :(

Is anybody else sick as a fucking dog with the flu right now? I thought it was limited to the US East Coast, but here I am in Newfoundland Canada praying for death, or at least some Ny-Quil.

BTW, I have no idea where my comic strip should go next. Any suggestions?

Review Mac and Me.

Chestnuts roasted by A-wel Cruiz @ 01/15/2004 11:19 AM EST

I can't wait to see how their lives would be in jeopardy if the damn thing doesn't grow.

And now I want a Chia pet. I could bring it to work and love it as it stared at me with its curiously blank eyes and winsome, though unfeeling smile...

Anyhow, yes, the Sammy-J line was awesome. I really enjoy your stuff, Matt -- keep it up, please!

(I work in government, I've got nothing to do all day but peruse websites. Yours is a definite favourite.)

Chestnuts roasted by Jen @ 01/15/2004 11:32 AM EST

Growing a Chia is as confounding as the whole composite clone thing. Can't wait to see what the heck they plan to do with it once it's fully functional.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 01/15/2004 12:09 PM EST

That was so funny i spit Root Beer all over my monitor. Not to worry, i'm at work, so i'll just ask for a new one.

I run a simular site that's like the adventures you have her, it's called Figure League Wrestling, http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=f_l_w

Keep Up the good Work

RKB of FLW

Chestnuts roasted by RKB @ 01/15/2004 12:46 PM EST

Not only did they only soak the Chia and seeds for an hour, it loks as though their orders didn't include standing the Chia in a dish of water.
That is going to be one dry Chia.

Chestnuts roasted by trajeal @ 01/15/2004 12:47 PM EST

We had some snow last night but not a lot, a dusting. It was too cold to get much more than that. Air was fairly dry too.
Have faith, A-Wel. I know many people who got the flu bad and were back in the saddle soon enough. Just get lots of rest and fluids.
I think that snippy claw fist guy is about the second or third strangest GI Joe I have ever seen and certainly the strangest 12 inch figure. Imagnie him getting it on with Barbie...like a plot for a Hellraiser movie.

Chestnuts roasted by Killer Duck @ 01/15/2004 01:16 PM EST

i bought a chia pet for my pop when i was a kid, for a christmas present. this cleverly killed two birds with one stone since *i* wanted a chia pet and my pop couldn't give two fucks about chia pets -- so i could play with it after he opened it!

anyway, i got impatient after reading the "soak for 24 hours" bit, too. so i jumped the gun and spread the damp seed goop over my dry chia yak (original model, before they got creative)... lemme tell ya, it didn't grow in too good... it looked like 'chia hair plugs'...

please be careful when playing god...

Chestnuts roasted by Mad Martigan @ 01/15/2004 01:33 PM EST

Good job Matt! Another hilarious post!

Chestnuts roasted by AtomicPunk @ 01/15/2004 02:08 PM EST

Shows what I know... I was unaware they had the giant-sized versions of the characters from the 1980s version of G.I. Joe now. Guess I just haven't been to Toys R' Us all that much lately.

How exactly do they have a Homer Simpson Chia anyway when he's supposed to be bald? Is that Chia for pathetic Chia gardners? Do they also have Chia Patrick Stewart, Chia Yul Brynner, Chia Telly Savalas, and Chia "Gordon from Sesame Street circa 1979" in the same line? (Well, Gordon had a mustache back then.)

Chestnuts roasted by Steve Brandon @ 01/15/2004 02:49 PM EST

global warming is making you guys wusses!

"Warning: Winter Weather Advisory. We might actually have some winter weather in winter!"

and those gigantic GIJoes are inefficient pieces of shit!

Chestnuts roasted by smacktard @ 01/15/2004 02:57 PM EST

I think that the Chia pets are really super secret listing devices that the government of Lower Larcona manufactures. One day all the Chias will rise up and take over our minds.

Be very careful about the Chia, it is a dangerous device. My toaster told me so.

Chestnuts roasted by Lampost @ 01/15/2004 03:07 PM EST

Ah, well. Winter is the time for all the Mista Snowmans of the world to come out and play. Where its cold, anyway.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 01/15/2004 03:20 PM EST

I don't like the temperatures at either extreme of the sort of temperatures we get here in Montreal (in the average year, we get around -25ºC to +35ºC/-13ºF to 95ºF, give or take a few degrees Celsius at the most extreme) and, if I had it my way, all 12 months would be like October in Montreal, with temperatures warm enough to be comfortable doing things outside without sweating, and cool enough at night for great sleeping, but, if I had to choose one extreme over the other, I'll take the cold end because it's much easier to warm up a room than it is to cool it, and I can just snuggle up below the blankets and comforters to stay warm.

Chestnuts roasted by Steve Brandon @ 01/15/2004 03:53 PM EST

All you cowards, I'm in Winnipeg Manitoba and it was -45 Degrees celcius the other day. Now THAT is cold.

Chestnuts roasted by Fitch @ 01/15/2004 06:19 PM EST

Several feet of snow as well. Ch-ch-ch-CHIA!

Chestnuts roasted by Fitch @ 01/15/2004 06:23 PM EST

It's not fun having a cold (for like the second time this winter, plus my sinustis kicking in just before the first one--I really need a new job) with temps this low. Stayed home today. Then I've got jury duty next week. Not a fun time for my wallet. (Missing work=missing funds.)

I wonder if Cobra Commander was just giving them busy work to keep him out of his mask for a while. :)

I got a Chia Head two different times for Secret Santa at work. I dontated them to my cousin's day care center. They probably had more fun growing an afro from a bad Bill Clinton charactuer than I ever would.

Chestnuts roasted by ShadowWing the Technorganic Sick Guy @ 01/15/2004 06:41 PM EST

Does anyone remember the chia hair commercial parody they did on SNL several years back? That was some funny shit.
Cobra Commander wanting to keep them out of his mask-that's also some funny shit.

Chestnuts roasted by Killer Duck @ 01/15/2004 07:09 PM EST

When it is really frikin cold (read tommorow..at least for those of us in teh northeast) you should try taking bubble solution and..um...blowing bubbles outside. They flash freeze and make a really cool sound when they hit the ground.

Chestnuts roasted by Toxic Oreo @ 01/15/2004 08:29 PM EST

Damn I wish I'd gotten that Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes. I was going to, but instead I purchased a tobacco pipe and a Nintendo shirt that says "Don't make me go Zelda on you!" and has pictures of old-school sprites of various Zelda items on it.

Anyway, I loved the part where they were arguing over how the Chia theme went. Grip was actually right. Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia!

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 01/15/2004 08:45 PM EST

it's really fucking hot here. way too hot for living.

but then, it is summer. and i'd be complaining if it was cold. God bless Australia. No really.

i have never EVER seen a Chia pet (except on Wayne's World) but i'm thinking i could soon become the world's biggest Chia fanatic if i could just get my sweaty little palms on some.

I love this site. I love you guys.

Chestnuts roasted by Beat @ 01/15/2004 08:47 PM EST

By the way, I'd like to mention that even though I would never actually buy a Chia Pet, if I ever got one as a gift, just for shits and giggles I would grow it.

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 01/15/2004 08:48 PM EST

Matt, I admire you. You can take a couple of action figures, a Chia pet, and a digital camera, and still make a hilarious article out of them in a few hours or less.

Like Killer Duck, we had barely a dusting of snow here in southern New Jersey, but it's that dry air and the deathly cold temperatures that bother me. I don't think my heater's been off for at least two weeks. I don't even want to contemplate what my gas bill is going to be like next month. : 0 p

And yes, I have the nasty cold that's going around, too. I haven't gotten it as bad as many (I've been able to work, thank goodness), but I haven't slept well in three days and I have a sore throat and a migrane that even Exeterin can't cure.

Chestnuts roasted by starwenn @ 01/15/2004 10:00 PM EST

Beat, Australia is one place I have always wanted to see. I want to chase kangaroos.
I need advice- my birthday is next week and I don't want to blow one of the few gift opportunities I'll have until next xmas. What should I tell people I want and why? And please don't say chia pets because I wouldn't want them unless I could have legions-nay, swarms-of those.

Chestnuts roasted by Killer Duck @ 01/15/2004 10:05 PM EST

Star- today wasn't too bad for temps. As soon as the sun went down though it got frigid again. I had to drive a lot today so I was grateful for the sunshine and the relative warmth. It's supposed to warm up a little this weekend which will please the people going to the football game. Last week they looked like red, silver, and blue popsicles.

Chestnuts roasted by Killer Duck @ 01/15/2004 10:10 PM EST

Ducky, Aus is a bloody tops place to be. Kangaroos are great for chasing, but they're fast as hell. Take a dog with you for some more roo chasing fun. But if you get close to one and he doesn't move, consider yourself well and truly fucked.

Man i can't wait 2 weeks for this article to come to its conclusion. I'm going to go insane. Go Joe!

Chestnuts roasted by Beat @ 01/15/2004 11:26 PM EST

Australia has the most f***ed up looking animals on the planet. That's why it rocks :)
I'm still wanting someone to find a living Thylocene. Knowing humans, though, if someone did they'd shoot it or something.

Chestnuts roasted by Killer Duck @ 01/16/2004 01:05 AM EST

That was something else. The latent hysteria-inducing humor potential of a chia pet alone is enough, but when being grown by someone like Cobra commandos? Something dangerously funny has been tapped here. You better be on time with that follow-up.

Chestnuts roasted by knic @ 01/16/2004 01:19 AM EST

Duck, if you were me you would want a day of pampering at a spa, with massages and pedicures and facials, etc. But you are not me, so I dunno. I would say knives, but I know you also have plenty of those. So, in the end, I have no suggestions. And hello to Fitch in Winterpeg. Hey, at least you're not from Saskachewan the suck province.

Chestnuts roasted by Gabbylicious @ 01/16/2004 02:45 AM EST

Gabbster, one can never have too many knives ;)
I am not big on the spa stuff, though. But I won't hold that against you, Gabbs :)

Chestnuts roasted by Killer Duck @ 01/16/2004 03:16 AM EST

Have someone Spot-Weld some knives together into some type of sculpture. Or a suit of armor. Hey, whoever knows the Duck personally, Give That Woman A Sword!

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 01/16/2004 11:30 AM EST

While I continue to pray for death, check this out. The greatest Chia Pet EVER!!!

http://www.no-cash.org/mrt/chia.jpg

"I pity th' fool who don't review 'Mac and Me'"

Chestnuts roasted by A-wel Cruiz @ 01/16/2004 12:37 PM EST

A-wel, here are some stills to pass your time waiting for the X-E review:
http://members.cox.net/motefuzz/stills/mac.html

Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 01/16/2004 01:18 PM EST

I have two fuckin' rad Chia Pets. A nice little kitty cat and a frog. I've killed them both, and I can't be arsed to clean off the remnents of old crusty seeds and start over. But they're just great.

Chestnuts roasted by JessieSpano @ 01/16/2004 01:33 PM EST

Looks like Storm Shadow reveals a rare sexual fetish involving Chia pets in picture #5.

Clean up on isle 10!

Chestnuts roasted by Eh? @ 01/16/2004 02:53 PM EST

King lmao. I have no room to put a suit of armor.

Chestnuts roasted by Killer Duck @ 01/16/2004 02:58 PM EST

You'd have to wear it all the time. Just don't bend over too quick, or you could stab yourself.

Chestnuts roasted by trajeal @ 01/16/2004 09:38 PM EST

I CAN'T WAIT TWO WEEKS !!

Kuma Chan
http://www.furnation.com/kuma-chan/

Chestnuts roasted by Kuma Chan @ 01/16/2004 10:37 PM EST

Was there ever a replica of the sword that the big dude used in Highlander? You know, the one that got assembled like a sniper rifle? That would fit the Duck's taste, I bet.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 01/17/2004 04:47 PM EST

Ooooo...that sounds nice :) People probably think I am half past nutty. I keep my collection locked and I have more Lego and Lego-type models than I have knives. Just so people know.

Chestnuts roasted by Killer Duck @ 01/17/2004 07:41 PM EST

kingklash, cool sword and cool actor, Clancy Brown. Yes, there is a Kurgan sword for sale according to the main Highlander site: http://www.highlandercatalog.com/db/highlander/H6019.html

Chestnuts roasted by She-Man @ 01/17/2004 09:52 PM EST

Man, Skipping steps will be the fall of mankind...THANKS ALOT COBRA!!!!
and it was CH-CH-CH-CHIA!
*shakes fist*
My koi are going great by the way!
I love Inspector Gadget and Beanz!

Chestnuts roasted by Allie @ 01/18/2004 12:12 AM EST

That G.I.Joe thing was too damn funny. Now I have somethign to look forward to in two weeks.

Chestnuts roasted by The Adamantium Elbow @ 01/18/2004 12:54 AM EST

That "grip" dude is f'ed up. But then again what character in GI Joe isn't? If you actually take the time to read the back stories of the characters you will be scratchin your head for days. i.e. Destro is supposedly like 400 years old and from Scotland? Cobra Commander is supposedly from Idiana or something......try searching G.I. JOe on google and you'll se what I mean.....

P.S. I have nothing to do with the link but if you like video game music you'll LOVE these remixes

Chestnuts roasted by phunqsauce @ 01/22/2004 02:36 AM EST

Laughed so hard that the milk I drank last week dripped out of my nose.

Chestnuts roasted by Superstar Barbie @ 04/29/2004 12:17 AM EST

U COCKSUCKER!!!! THAT HAS GOT TO BE THE SADDEST THING I EVER SAW!!!!!!!DONT YOU HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO WITH YOUR TIME??????GO OUT AND GET A JOB!!!!!actually, it was quite amusing. thanks for the laugh man.

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