REPLIES: 64 comments
You know, I really think that Critters 2 is the worst. It doesn't have LEONARDO DICAPRIO going for it. And, I'm sure you realize, Critters 4 is the greatest ever.
Chestnuts roasted by Joshua @ 01/04/2004 06:50 PM EST
Damn...so close to #1 yet so far off.
Anyways, I think that Critters 2 is the best of the series. You can't go wrong with the rolling critter ball of doom.
Chestnuts roasted by Diabetic Dinosaur @ 01/04/2004 07:34 PM EST
Wasn't the boy played by Dominic from Kindergarden Cop? I guess Leo isn't the only celebrity HUH?! I hope you're in the mood for Part 4 soon, can't wait!
Chestnuts roasted by Mikey @ 01/04/2004 08:17 PM EST
Dominic = GOTTA GET MY LASERS!
How did it feel to hit that SOB?
Chestnuts roasted by Kristal @ 01/04/2004 09:19 PM EST
Matt, I liked the IMDB quotes at the end of the article. Nice touch. Is this sort of thing going to become standard around here?
Chestnuts roasted by Cameron @ 01/04/2004 10:11 PM EST
Hey look it's the Eggplant Wizard from Kid Icarus!!! I never saw Critters 3, thank gods and eggplant wizards. I remember Seeing the first one because my sister had this thing for the bratty redheaded boy in it. That was the movie that taught me how to make a flamethrower out of a can o hairspray.
Thing is, I love Matt's style of writing. It's the things that can't quite be explained that make it what it is. I dunno I just hope you don't stop any time soon.
Chestnuts roasted by Killer Duck @ 01/04/2004 10:11 PM EST
Heh. Eggplant. Awesome.
Chestnuts roasted by Evin @ 01/04/2004 10:46 PM EST
I was really pumped for this movie after seeing 1 and 2. This one was so bad I never took the chance of throwing away 2 hours of my life on 4. someone let me know if i'm missing something.
Chestnuts roasted by naturekid @ 01/04/2004 10:48 PM EST
Hmm... You know, I really think Leo killed "Family Matters"...
Then again, you can't really kill something that was dead to begin with...
Chestnuts roasted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 01/04/2004 11:41 PM EST
good review been awhile since i read a "vengeful" matt really tear into soemthing good job
Chestnuts roasted by Scourge @ 01/05/2004 12:21 AM EST
I don't think Leo was on Family Matters. He was on Growing Pains, though. Family Matters was the one with Urkel. I think someone shot that show to put it out of its misery.
Chestnuts roasted by Killer Duck @ 01/05/2004 12:54 AM EST
long time reader, first time poster...
love the site, love love love.
anyway, as someone who has never seen any of the Critters movies EXCEPT part 3, I'd like to thank Matt for clarifying just who the hell Charlie is, and for making me feel a little better about my experience when I saw the movie, which went a little something like this:
watching, watching, watching...
credits roll...
blinking...
"i'm gonna ask you some questions, and I want you to answer them immediately"
Chestnuts roasted by Geek America @ 01/05/2004 01:45 AM EST
There was no clip of the bowling footage as I was expecting. Did I miss it? Was it hidden? I Love Stock Footage!!
Awesome review choice! Which critters was the one where they all formed into a big ball and rolled around on a farm or something, and they ate a cow?
Chestnuts roasted by heeloyd @ 01/05/2004 02:06 AM EST
where was the bowling scene? i was expecting a video clip of that. Oh well, good review anyway. I'm still trying to make my was through Nukie... but I just really think it's impossible.
Chestnuts roasted by chad @ 01/05/2004 09:45 AM EST
For the sake of all bad movies everywere Matt must at least once in his life watch this movie, the king supreame of all that is cheesey, a unholy mishmash rivaling Even Killer Klowns for outerspace, a tour de crap that makes Devil rain look oscar worthy...(Drum roll)....
JESUS CHRIST VAMPIRE HUNTER!!
http://www.badmovies.org/movies/jesusvamp/index.html
You know a move has to be bad movie gold when i has quotes like this:
Praetorious: "We're running low on skin. I suggest we harvest another lesbian
and
Atheist Woman: "Hello Jesus. You don't know us because we've never talked to you before. We are the atheists."
Guy Atheist: "Look Jesus, we're taking your second coming ass down!"
Chestnuts roasted by Mr Mango @ 01/05/2004 10:37 AM EST
"I remember Seeing the first one because my sister had this thing for the bratty redheaded boy in it."
Scott Grimey. Hee.
I wanted to add a comment from something said a few days ago. I'm also of the female gender. I wonder how many of us there are here?
Chestnuts roasted by trajeal @ 01/05/2004 11:34 AM EST
I imagine there's probably a bit more male readers here than female...but not much :)
Yes, Scott Grimes. He was on Star Search or something and my sister LOVED him. Yuk. Heeloyd, the giant ball was either in 1 or 2. Matt reviewed those and I think there's a link in the article.
Chestnuts roasted by Killer Duck @ 01/05/2004 12:00 PM EST
Both "Gremlins," first "Ghoulies," and the first two "Critters" are among my favorite "Let's write a story that's a rip off of the reproduction angle from 'Trouble with Tribbles'" school of pop video culture. Even that old Partridge Family cartoon had an episode like that. ye gods, i'm old.....
Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 01/05/2004 12:18 PM EST
so Titanic was mostly cast with actors from the various Critters movies? that explains a lot.
Chestnuts roasted by akbarium @ 01/05/2004 12:42 PM EST
Yup, king, you are.
So you are saying that the tribbles reproduced by getting wet?
Chestnuts roasted by Killer Duck @ 01/05/2004 12:43 PM EST
I think that, following the resounding box office success of Freddy vs. Jason, they should make Ghoulies vs. Critters.
Chestnuts roasted by gmfbrown @ 01/05/2004 01:28 PM EST
Last night on PPV they had a wrestling classics episode of GLOW...yes, that GLOW. I was so little at the time it was out I never realized how corny it was, but believe me. Right down to the horrible puns and bad 80's hair and studded jackets. Matt, let me know if you want a copy and I will send it. It just SCREAMED X-E review.
Chestnuts roasted by Y2JB78 @ 01/05/2004 01:30 PM EST
Ok, thanx fer th'correction, Duck, but stiiilll.... Last tall girl I knew also kept me on my toes, so to speak. A five-nine Kiowa vs a six-one Amazon? Sprite had a definite leverage advantage on me. Little Bro has a favorite scene in Titanic: When Leo-sicle sinks beneath the waves because the rich chick won't move her fat caboose to give him room. Combine this movie with "Critters" and "Pirates of...Black Pearl" and maybe you got something. Zombie Jack fighting Crites in the bowels of the sunken ship. maybe not...
Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 01/05/2004 01:33 PM EST
I think Gremlins vs Critters vs Goulies...but not the dumbass goulies that were like midgets in costumes. Im talking 100%puppets. We don't need no stinkin' computer animation!
Y2J-my sibs and I used to watch GLOW in the late hours on one of the local stations many moons ago. There was this fat ass polynesian lady who used to do this dance thing...and they always were shilling the shampoo where they'd be shopping at the supermarket and a fight would break out over the shampoo. And the announcers were worse than Jerry Lawler with his puppies comments, if that's possible.
I'm surprised no one ever made Leo from Titanic ice pops. Look, it's Leonardo with a stick up his ass! What's so unusual about that...
Chestnuts roasted by Killer Duck @ 01/05/2004 01:50 PM EST
Ok, everybody just tuning in for the first time, all together now: WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!?
Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 01/05/2004 02:12 PM EST
Duck, that was Mount Fiji. They had a big tribute to her. Remember how each girl rapped before her match about the opponent? They had those too...god they were funny. Along with the most horrible star wipes you've ever seen.
Homer: Ned in the shower...and...star wipe.
Lisa: Dad, there are others besides just star wipe.
Chestnuts roasted by Y2JB78 @ 01/05/2004 02:20 PM EST
Yes! Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter! Fantastically horrible. There's a dance number, the goodness sakes.
The best part is Jesus fighting the athiests, the same 5 athiests over and over again. They keep coming out of a van, which I couldn't help but think of as an athiest spawning point.
And let us not forgot Santos!
Chestnuts roasted by Emperor_Zorak @ 01/05/2004 02:32 PM EST
yesterday I went to california adventure and saw that float that was in the rose parade. I figured I would share since there were parades on the site. I got some pics of it if you would like to see them Matt.
Chestnuts roasted by heeloyd @ 01/05/2004 02:32 PM EST
HAve you seen the cheap horror movie: Robot Monster?
The monster is a guy in a gorilla suit with a space helmet. Lowest budget movie I've ever seen!!
Chestnuts roasted by heeloyd @ 01/05/2004 02:34 PM EST
Hey Killer Duck I just looked at your personal page and noticed that you live outside of Boston, which hey, thats right near me. What city/town do you live in if you don't mind me asking?
Chestnuts roasted by Diabetic Dinosaur @ 01/05/2004 02:53 PM EST
Matt, I like the box art links and comments culled from the imdb. Thanks.
Chestnuts roasted by Vinz Klortho @ 01/05/2004 03:10 PM EST
heeloyd, don't forget the bubble machine got a credit. A little boy dreams about the apocalypse. hee.
Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 01/05/2004 03:14 PM EST
Comedy = The Jerk, Too.
Chestnuts roasted by Ubu Rex @ 01/05/2004 03:26 PM EST
Dinosaur-I live in a smallish town about 15 miles south of bean town. I take classes in Brockton.
I have made up my mind, I need to find the Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter movie. The guys who made South Park had it right- Jesus needs to be seen kicking ass and taking names. More people would convert.
Y2j-Yes! Mt Fiji! She used to "sing" that song (my brother still sings it and pause every now and then to say something that was supposed to be witty. I also remember there were several girls in Daisy Dukes who were farmer's daughter types. All wanting to be Ellie May Clampett. And there was this one psychotic one. Her hair was all messed up...she must not have been buying the right shampoo. Hair pulling jigglefests...I should have been offended but I never was. I was too busy laughing my ass off.
Chestnuts roasted by Killer Duck @ 01/05/2004 03:51 PM EST
I heard that Art Frankel was in one of these Critters films. I am a big fan, just haven seen much of him except for his part in the ring. I think Art needs more recognition.
Chestnuts roasted by Jando @ 01/05/2004 03:59 PM EST
GLOW girls made an appearence on "Married With Children" and Al got squished.
Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 01/05/2004 04:01 PM EST
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter totally rawks! To think, Christ, who has apparently been hanging out in Canada for the past 2000 years, comes to the church's rescue to fight lesbian vampires with the aid of Los Santos and Mary Magnum.
I saw this flick in an alterna art gallery/movie theater here in New Orleans while a Kwanzaa celebration was going on in the adjacent room... There's nothing like watching Christ going Kung Fu on lesbians while African drumbeats spill through paper-thin walls. Kinda fitting in a "Shaft In Africa" kinda way.
Chestnuts roasted by Nachokhaki @ 01/05/2004 04:56 PM EST
Critters 3 is actually the only one in the series I've never seen, but judging by the review and clips, plus the fact that I hated the 4th, maybe that's a good thing. I mean, Christ.
Chestnuts roasted by Behonkiss @ 01/05/2004 05:38 PM EST
Just on a weird tangent, does anyone know if there's a proper name for the very Eighties font they use for the title screen and the "TO BE CONTINUED..." besides "After Burner Font", since it's more or less the exact same font used in the classic Sega arcade game After Burner, but I doubt Sega invented it?
Chestnuts roasted by Steve Brandon @ 01/05/2004 08:13 PM EST
King-I remember when the GLOW girls were on Married...It's been so long since I watched that show. I didn't know it had lasted as long as it did after I stopped watching.
Every time I see King Hippo on the top screen I think of his little theme song. Was I the only one who "sang along" to it (basically making little noises when Hippo opened his mouth)?
Chestnuts roasted by Killer Duck @ 01/05/2004 10:54 PM EST
As much as I loved King Hippo, it was Don Flamenco with whom I "sang" along. And when he threw his rose... "Broing!"
Chestnuts roasted by Nachokhaki @ 01/05/2004 10:58 PM EST
Since I had no idea what GLOW was, I did a search. Info with video clips:
http://www.tvparty.com/80glow.html
Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 01/06/2004 03:40 AM EST
They had a segment on the GLOW PPV where they holding a contest for a new girl, and all the contestants had to go get a complete "exam". The door on the doctors office Drs. Fiel and Grope: Gynecology, Psychiatry and something else. God it was corny. They had the Patriotic girl, the sadistic Russian girl, a bunch of cheerleaders (Vicky Victory was my favorite), about 6 farmers daughters, insane housewifes that used to beat people up with egg beaters. The best was the tag team Hollywood and Vine, who were trashy biker hookers. The commentary is the best corny 80s you can find anywhere!
Chestnuts roasted by Y2JB78 @ 01/06/2004 09:47 AM EST
Don't forget Matilda the Hun! And her patented headlock variation, the Knocker Locker.
Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 01/06/2004 11:31 AM EST
Yippi, I did it! post # 45! horray for me! lol actually my reason for celebration is that I recently aquired the entire series of Freakazoid! You can buy it outright from the page I linked my name to, or try your luck on one of the auction pages, though you'll pay a lot more. or the third option (since I"m not stingy) is that I'll try to copy them to vcd's and anyone interested can have them merly for the price of the cd's they're on and shipping. that is of course if anyone is interested.
Chestnuts roasted by brandon @ 01/06/2004 01:44 PM EST
I always like when people put things in their Terms and Conditions document that they think will prevent them from being prosecuted for their blatantly illegal activities.
Chestnuts roasted by Ubu Rex @ 01/06/2004 02:05 PM EST
legal shmegal I'm close enought to canada to run if I'm gonna get in trouble for my precious.
Chestnuts roasted by brandon @ 01/06/2004 02:15 PM EST
Void where prohibited, prohibited where void, void and prohibited where not allowed, tires and tax not included, pink tutu sold seperately, cards do not talk, if rash develops, discontinue use, do not taunt happy fun ball, and for God's sake, don't pick at it or it won't heal!
Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 01/06/2004 03:40 PM EST
Oh yes, the Happy Fun Ball. For a list of disclaimers go to : http://www.happyfunball.com/hfb.html
Chestnuts roasted by Gozer @ 01/06/2004 05:31 PM EST
To those in the Boston area, am I alone in being freaked out by the commericals for Mary Lou's Coffee? Since I have never been to one of the stores, I honestly do not know if it is supposed to be a Mom and Pop coffee shop version of Hooters. The ladies in the commericals are "locally pretty" as say Matt Damon is "locally handsome" to the region. I realize that I have already put too much into thinking about these commercials, so for those nice enough to read this you can decide for yourselves:
http://www.marylous.com/commercials.html
Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 01/06/2004 07:18 PM EST
My day has gone as bad as a day can possibly go. The desktop computer monitor pretty much blew up and I cannot get the laptop to get online. So I have to use my father's computer. WTF! I have been to Mary Lou's coffee places/ There was one up the street from my ex's house. It's all pink inside but I didn't see any Hooters looking people. Just a guy and a girl wearing pink shirts. Scary actually.
Chestnuts roasted by Killer Duck @ 01/06/2004 07:58 PM EST
I finally got the laptop to go online. But I still think I am losing my mind. I'll blame it on Gabby since she hasn't been around. ;)
Chestnuts roasted by Killer Duck @ 01/06/2004 11:38 PM EST
Oh, I'm around alright, lurking in the shadows like some sort of creepy lurking-thing. You think as an English major I'd be able to come up with more words. And make sentances that sound like they were written by someone who is older than 6. Oh well. Anyway, I think I was just reassuring everyone that I still exist. I just didn't post anything because I was being boring. I'm over it now, woohoo!
Chestnuts roasted by Gabbylicious @ 01/06/2004 11:54 PM EST
Gooble Gabby!
Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 01/07/2004 11:21 AM EST
Watching Critters 3 is like staring into the face of God, and having God smile back at you...while he kicks your ass
Chestnuts roasted by salaciouscrum @ 01/08/2004 02:03 AM EST
I'm not sure what was worse about GLOW; the fact that it was wrestling for drunk, horny guys, the fact that some of them (very, very some)(like 5) could have been successful in "real" ladies wrestling of the day, or the fact that the WWE's version of lady wrestling is GLOW Extreme.
Chestnuts roasted by ShadowWing the Technorganic Autobot @ 01/10/2004 03:22 PM EST
I actually liked part 2 best. Heheh. Giant killer critter ball of doom!!!
Hmm... That's a good name for a band... >>
Chestnuts roasted by Adrastia @ 01/14/2004 02:02 AM EST
I hereby state that I am an adult, sane (well, scored only 53% in the online Insanity Test), and that I have watched all available (i.e. 1,2 and 4) parts of the block-buster (drowning in sarcasm here...) that is Critters. I can now enlighten you, noble Matt, as why the goddamn moron Charlie gets to be in EACH AND EVERY part. In every film, we see a group of moronic assholes we want to die a bloody death. And, thanks to the little mangy teethy aliens, they do. However, Charlie remains, as does the hope of seeing him die in the next part, which usually suffices for a reason to waste another 1,5 hours of our life on the sequel. Alleluiah, I've solved it. Now I can go and solve the world hunger problem.
PS. Terrence Mann actually STARTED his career in broadway at some 25, and he never abandoned it.
Chestnuts roasted by Kausalya @ 03/29/2004 06:58 AM EST
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Chestnuts roasted by student loans @ 11/07/2004 11:35 AM EST
I really want to finish off the "Critters" series, so here's a movie review of 
