10/07/2003 Entry: "Starburst Fruit Chews: Then & Now."

Well, that was an experience. I never thought I'd be eating fifteen-year-old Starburst Fruit Chews, but thanks to Christian, a reader, my most subconscious dream ever has finally been realized. Here's the e-mail he sent in...

"Digging through my parents garage the under day, I came across a pretty good find. My parents are notorious for not throwing anything away, and if this doesn't prove it, then I don't know what does. I've attached pictures of my find, but what's extraordinary is on the second picture.  Look at the expiration date: "Best Before 22 Aug 88." Yes, that's right, my parents had a package of Starburst safely tucked away in the garage that unfortunately expired back in 1988.   I'm not sure what the shelf life is on these things, but I know freshness isn't exactly the top priority of Mars. Inc. It must be from at least '87. Also, from the pictures you can tell that it is sealed inside some plastic.  If I recall correctly, these came as the prize inside a cereal box (hence the extra 'wrapping' to protect it from the cereal.). Anyway, if you want it, you're welcome to it.  Ever eaten expired food 15 years after its date?"

Please, like I'd turn down that offer? I gladly sent Christian a shipping address, and a few days later, the glory arrived. A sealed pack of Starburst from 1987 -- if not earlier. We'll get to that in a moment -- believe it or not, I actually know what promotion these were given away during. General Mills shoved 'em into boxes of their cereals somewhere between '85 and '87, and here's the commercial to prove it --

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE COMMERCIAL WAAHAHAHAH!

Looks like Christian got a raw deal, though -- he only got the normal kind of Starburst. I would've much preferred the green package variation with the tropical flavors, but whatever, you can't complain about free candy. The commercial, by the way, also featured one of the Trix Rabbit's most clever disguises; this time dressed as a news reporter who convinced a pair of retards that their breakfast was "news," getting them worked into such a star-fiending frenzy that they didn't even realize that the reporter wasn't just a rabbit, but a cartoon rabbit. Possibly excluding those times where he dressed up as Santa, this was the Trix Rabbit's greatest work. As for the Starburst -- yep, as promised, Christian delivered the goods, and from where I sat, there was only one thing to do. Compare Starburst from 1987 to Starburst from 2003...

You know what's weird? I've had Starburst as recently as a few weeks ago, yet whenever I think about it, I still picture the label as it's shown with the 1987 version. It's not waxing nostalgic or anything like that -- I guess if you spend so much during your childhood staring at one particular candy wrapper, the image just burns into your brain forever. It's like seeing a priest fuck your dog, only not. Still, for what it's worth, it's amazing how little has changed about Starburst over the years. Same yellow package, same red lettering, same insanely frequent use of the word "juicy."

Even the flavors are the same -- cherry, orange, strawberry and lemon. Orange and lemon have always been Starburst's bastard children; nobody wanted 'em then and nobody wants them now. Just as timeless is our fascination with the "reds" and "pinks" -- why they haven't bit the bullet and released an all-red 'n' pink variety of Starburst is beyond me. Who wouldn't buy that? The wrappers themselves are a bit different, with the '87 version just featuring the word "Starburst" over and over again, while the newer version alternates between that and a religious "S" logo in the middle. The older ones also seem a bit bulkier than the current version, though it's impossible to tell for sure. While the package was sealed and then sealed again in a plastic baggie, Christian's old candy couldn't survive the combined heat and internal fermentation a pack of fruit chews will go through over the course of fifteen years...

On the left, 1987's "cherry." Kind of like taffy now, and yes, I tasted it. I couldn't bring myself to swallow all of the stuff, but I kept it in there long enough to say with confidence that Starburst hasn't messed with the formula one bit for almost two decades. It's the same...exact...shit. In a world that changes so fast and furiously, it's nice to know that there's a few constants. People will always need sleep, dimes will always be worth ten cents, and red Starburst chews will always be better than the yellow ones. Big thanks to Christian to parting with this rare artifact, and an even bigger thanks to the boys at St. Vincent's Medical Center for getting me through the night after the effects of eating Starburst from 1987 began settling in. For a few brief moments, swear to God, I thought I was the only reindeer who could predict the future while juggling.

Chestnuts roasted by Evin @ 10/07/2003 03:54 AM EST

Chris, you and I are bastard children. For I too enjoy yellow and orange Starburst. We love our own. In a weird cannabalisic brotherly eating way. I'm gonna go get some Starburst and eat them as I paint my body in blood.

Wow. I scared myself for a second.

Chestnuts roasted by Tony @ 10/07/2003 04:00 AM EST

it's true about the orang and yellow...my neice had a pack this weekend and by time I got to it...all that were left were orange and yellow ones...I opted for the steamed brocolli instead.

Chestnuts roasted by Kano @ 10/07/2003 04:14 AM EST

Well, I guess the lemon ones are okay, but I can't stand orange starburst thingies.
That just shows how amazingly original you are, Matt, you actually put 15 year old candy in your mouth. You're my new idol.

Chestnuts roasted by Zell @ 10/07/2003 04:16 AM EST

damn i wish they were still called opal fruits in the UK.... that sounds so much better than "starburst"

Chestnuts roasted by ali @ 10/07/2003 04:23 AM EST

I remember stashing some Warhead candy in the freezer when I was like 8 or so, because there was a rumor going around school that they were being taken off the market for being too "dangerous" (someone should make a book of schoolyard rumours, they really should). Unfortunately though, we've changed fridges twice since then, so I don't know what happened to them. It's a shame, because they would have made a great X-E article. Still, I'll see if we have any other old candy in the house.

Chestnuts roasted by The nameless protagonist @ 10/07/2003 04:28 AM EST

I love lemon Starburst. Orange can suck my left testicle, however.

Although quite short, the comedic value of this piece and the writing are right up there with your best work. Good stuff, Matt.

Speaking of writing, is that newspaper gig still working out for you? I just keep expecting you to break through your semi-famous intarweb celebrity status at some point...but I've been expecting that for about 4 years now. Fark finally is, as is Smoking Gun. Why not X-E, damn it? VH1 has 80s shows all the time. Why not default to someone with nothing better to do...err, I mean with such an expert hold on 80s kitsch and culture?

Chestnuts roasted by BeatPoet @ 10/07/2003 05:13 AM EST

In the UK we used to have a green (lime flavour) in Opal Fruits (I refuse to call 'em Starburst, like I refuse to call Marathon bars "Snickers"...)

Recently though they gave the lime flavour the boot and brought in a new black current flavour.

It might be worth doing a comparison between the US and UK versions, so that when visiting other countries we know what to expect.

Oh and why the hell don't we get cherry flavour in the UK!?!?

Chestnuts roasted by PhotoBoy @ 10/07/2003 05:46 AM EST

> Depending on the angle of your view, the pieces either appear like flying saucers or
> nipples.

Can't it be both!? Nipples nipples nipples!

(And just for nostalgia's sake, Bitner Bitner Bitner).

Isn't The Smoking Gun owned by one of the huge news mega-conglomerates?

Chestnuts roasted by Molten @ 10/07/2003 06:06 AM EST

I laughed my ass off when I read about the pear giving birth...brilliant.

Now we know the solution to world hunger: self-replicating ghost pears!

Chestnuts roasted by Paul @ 10/07/2003 06:15 AM EST

I submitted this to Fark. This is by far the weirdest thing I've seen in months.

Chestnuts roasted by SimuLord @ 10/07/2003 06:17 AM EST

How in the hell did you get the wrapper off of that old starburst?
I have trouble getting them off the new ones as it is.
And he did it so pretty like. Matt's got skills

Chestnuts roasted by lodog @ 10/07/2003 08:03 AM EST

Hey. HEY. There's something wrong with my brain. Not *only* do I belong to the tribe that loves orange and lemon, but I absolutely do not like the strawberry or cherry flavors. That's just me.
And what's really weird is that I *also* remember the 80s packaging as the "right" stuff - the individual candy wrappers as well as the entire Starburst overall packaging. I feel crotchety looking at the new stuff. It feels like a kick in the face.

Chestnuts roasted by Master H @ 10/07/2003 09:49 AM EST

"Now we know the solution to world hunger: self-replicating ghost pears!"

The problem is, who would want to eat them? Pears have all the delicious texture of rotten apples, and smell almost as bad.

And I like the lemon starbursts. I'm ambivalent about the rest.

Chestnuts roasted by Sean @ 10/07/2003 10:51 AM EST

I'm not at all against the lemon or orange ones. The secret is, if you like those or can convince yourself to like those flavors, you can be sittin' fat in free candy. Your friends will not, if they are "normal", want those flavors and you can gobble em up for free... oh jeez, i need a life

Chestnuts roasted by saint matthew @ 10/07/2003 10:52 AM EST

What kind of freak buys a box of cereal that consists of nuggets of sugar coated in sugar, then doesn't even eat the free candy that came in it?

Chestnuts roasted by klatubaradanikto @ 10/07/2003 10:58 AM EST

I am ashamed to be a fat american, its candy people EAT IT ALL!

can I get some of that well aged starburst action?

Chestnuts roasted by spazzamatic @ 10/07/2003 11:02 AM EST

In the UK those where called 'Opal Fruits' when the '80s pack was made... Before succumbing an Americanism.

Chestnuts roasted by PANG! @ 10/07/2003 11:49 AM EST

i'm from the uk and honset to god the last time i ate starburst it had that packaging........plus purple is the best flavor...

for more fun try eating old orange/lemon/lime starburst that have been left in a cuboard for half a year or failing that in the sun for half a minute, they make this wonderful (i can see though time and space) citrus, sticky wonder with the fun of trying to pick bits of paper outta ya teeth...

Chestnuts roasted by Nat E @ 10/07/2003 12:00 PM EST

That's wild Nat E. In the U.S., purple is a color not a flavor. I learn something here every day.

Chestnuts roasted by klatubaradanikto @ 10/07/2003 12:17 PM EST

My favorites are, in order: Pink, yellow, orange, red.

A note to Photoboy, Nat E, and klatubaradanikto: As Photoboy pointed out, the "purple" flavor that Nat is so fond of is "blackcurrant". This is a pretty popular candy flavoring over in England and Ireland, but it's never caught on over here in the States. That's partly because I don't think that they grow here, and partly because American kids think it tastes like ass.

My mother lives in Ireland and she sends me candy all the damn time, which I share with my friends-- and none of them EVER like the blackcurrent flavored stuff. Personally, I think it's all right.

Hey Matt. Next time my Ma sends me a shipment, would you like me to send you some foreign candy to review?

Chestnuts roasted by freakachu @ 10/07/2003 12:41 PM EST

Oh, and, by the way, Matt, almond bark should be in the baking-supply section of your local grocery store. It's good stuff.

Chestnuts roasted by freakachu @ 10/07/2003 12:48 PM EST

orange is my favorite Starburst. in fact, it's my favorite flavor of candy in general.
i was about to mouth off about how you're always dissing the orange, Matt, and cherry and "red" really aren't all that... but then i realized that violence isn't the answer.
you and i would make the perfect playmates as far as sweets are concerned, always content to take advantage of our differences and divide our candy by flavor.
wouldn't this make a good after school special?

Chestnuts roasted by zann @ 10/07/2003 12:56 PM EST

very funny stuff, matt. My boyfriend has a bit of a candy fetish and brings starbursts over at least 3-4 times a week. without fail the next day i always find a little pile of unopened yellow ones in the trash. I tried telling him that i would enjoy the yellow ones, but he doesn't believe me. starburst purists are very strange people.

Chestnuts roasted by hamster momma @ 10/07/2003 01:04 PM EST

You citrus -hating bastards!

You're the kind of people who destroyed the joy that was the classic five-flavor lifesavers roll.

Now gone is the lemon, orange, and lime candy I so treasured in my youth... COMPLETELY gone. Check through the flavors listed on their website in the different lifesavers rolls. THe closest they have is "tangy tangerine".

And other than those new TicTacs, don't even get me STARTED on how hard it is to find lime candy now...

DAMN YOU, GREEN APPLE!!!

DAMN YOU TO HELL!!

Chestnuts roasted by Mordenheim @ 10/07/2003 02:05 PM EST

pink is terrible.

red, yello, orange, pink

in that order.

Chestnuts roasted by chad @ 10/07/2003 02:12 PM EST

There's a reason why, when you ask your friend if you can have a Starburst, they always try to slip you a yello one. Yello sucks, in any candy form.

Chestnuts roasted by Steve @ 10/07/2003 02:59 PM EST

Hunter: "Oh listen, I just wanted to say good-bye and remind you that the good guys always win. Even in the 80's."
http://www.badmovies.org/movies/megaforce/megaforce6.wav

Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 10/07/2003 03:31 PM EST

noooooo i thought i operated in secret!!!!!!

Chestnuts roasted by The Pear Avenger @ 10/07/2003 03:33 PM EST

"Isn't The Smoking Gun owned by one of the huge news mega-conglomerates?"
CourtTV owns the Smoking Gun. Does somebody own CourtTV?

I love the oranges, yall be tripping.

The old Starburst package is so ingrained on my subconscious that I hadn't even realized the change. I've never noticed this before with any of the candies we've exhalted here. What is it about Starburst?

Chestnuts roasted by squee4242 @ 10/07/2003 03:49 PM EST

Are you kidding me!? I LOVE the orange and yellow starbursts, and in all reality, I hate the red. I guess I'm a freak though, but what else is new?

Great going with the pear ghosts too. Those were funky.

Chestnuts roasted by Electric Penguin @ 10/07/2003 04:15 PM EST

pink, yellow, orange, red.
I always trade my reds for yellows.

I hate pears too, that is, unless they are canned in heavy syrup, that is some good stuff.

My death comes closer as i consume another hungry man dinner for breakfast, muahahahaha. Mexican Style Fiesta! Woohoo!

Chestnuts roasted by heeloyd @ 10/07/2003 04:46 PM EST

Orange and lemon rock! I don't really divide my Starbursts up the way I used to do M&M's. Hell, I'm 30, I don't have the time to play with my food anymore. I do love orange and lemon though. Orange gumdrops, lemon jellybeans, gummy worms.

Chestnuts roasted by Chris @ 10/07/2003 05:08 PM EST

Oh. Man. I have seen and eaten the Strawberry Mix starburst in the U.S. It's been almost 10 years now since I saw them at a c-store, bought them, fell deeply in love with them, and was never able to find them again. My heart was broken, and to make matters worse, no one I know of remembers seeing the all pink packs anywhere. Thank you so much, KT, you bring me new hope.

Chestnuts roasted by Shave the Whales @ 10/07/2003 05:09 PM EST

i enjoy all the starbust flavors.

Chestnuts roasted by EdipisReks @ 10/07/2003 05:18 PM EST

I like the Tin Man.

Chestnuts roasted by AlfonsoTheBat @ 10/07/2003 05:29 PM EST

COMPLETE RANDOM THOUGHT:

MATT, Review that Fred Savage movie "Little Monsters"

Chestnuts roasted by Maxx @ 10/07/2003 06:02 PM EST

My mom said there was a lime flavor when Starburst used to be called M&M fruit chewies in the 60s. My faves from most to least Cherry, Strawberry, Orange, Lemon. I think it sucks when you get a halloween fun size of Starburst and you get 2 lemon ones. Starburst didn't change the wrapper up until about 2000 I think. I really like the non tradational flavors like plum, watermelon and kiwi.

Chestnuts roasted by pikachulover @ 10/07/2003 06:30 PM EST

Bah! Pear is nectar of the gods you fools. So soft and a little like pineapple.

Yeah, I eat all candy flavors but I'm still not big on orange. Lemon is sometimes great but usually only if it's sour. Starbursts are fine as candy goes but nothing is comparable to SweetTarts is the realm of fruit candy.

But all of this is only under the operating assumption that my opinion matters, which is doesn't.

Toodles.

Chestnuts roasted by inkmage @ 10/07/2003 07:19 PM EST

Matt it is your fault there arent any pear starbursts!!!!!!!!!!!!! it is u who kept me down all these years...(speaking of keeping people down where did that theodore long fellow go to?)

Chestnuts roasted by The Pear Avenger @ 10/07/2003 07:26 PM EST

Starburst kicks ass no matter what flavor it is.

Matt, I love your site. Uproariously funny. BTW, if you're looking for a real piece of sh*t movie to review, look no further than The Killer Eye. I swear, this movie is horribly, horribly bad. And not only because there are semi-explicit sex scenes involving a giant mutant eyeball, either.

Here's something else, too: I have in my possession a squeeze toy of Pac-Man from 1982, still in its original packaging. There were tons of them in the junk sale where I bought it; I was an idiot to only purchase one. But I'm willing to mail it to you if you're interested.

Chestnuts roasted by Melissa @ 10/07/2003 07:55 PM EST

I'm not a huge Starburst fan - they tend to get stuck between my teeth - but, when I do eat them, this is the order:

orange, pink, red, yellow

Lemon is a little sour for me.

The pears are a great idea. I have a visitor coming this weekend and they might make a nice dessert, or for the next time by brother visits.

Chestnuts roasted by starwenn @ 10/07/2003 08:00 PM EST

When I was growing up going to the store with my mom, I always used to grab a starburst package. There was an all strawberry package, and it was awesome! I have no idea why the powers that be stopped making that. Now I buy the regular four flavor pack and give the yellow and orange to my kids.

Chestnuts roasted by Whitney @ 10/07/2003 08:09 PM EST

mmm, orange and lemon, my two favorites in the package. I get yelled at by my wife for trying to throw the disgusting Red ones (yes I hate all cherry flavored things in an form) in the trash. How can people eat those?

Chestnuts roasted by Taylor @ 10/07/2003 08:15 PM EST

speaking of flavors in candy... what does the yellow taste like in your skittles? Lemon or banana? I've had different flavors in different places.

Chestnuts roasted by allicat @ 10/07/2003 08:33 PM EST

ORANGE

Chestnuts roasted by sweepthelegjohnny @ 10/07/2003 08:34 PM EST

yellow skittles are lemon; unless you buy some of those tropical ones.

Chestnuts roasted by sharkie @ 10/07/2003 08:52 PM EST

The great starburst battle. I hate cherry, yes. Pink is the best... in regular flavors. This summer at work we sold weird bastardizations of Starburst and there was like "kiwi passionfruit..." and "strawberry watermelon"

Strawberry Watermelon is the best Starburst ever... I'd probably sell my soul for another chance at having a pack with those.

Chestnuts roasted by Kate @ 10/07/2003 08:57 PM EST

I used to hate Skittles. Now I can deal with them. I've mellowed in my moderately older age.

Chestnuts roasted by Molten @ 10/07/2003 09:17 PM EST

Orange and lemon over cherry and strawberry? blasphemy...
And, Opal Fruits and Marathon bars? wierd...

I envy the Brits; that lime sounds pretty good but at the cost of cherry, how sad

Does anyone besides Matt remember the old (as in when they first came out) green tropical pack of starburst? They had Fruit punch, Raspberry, Grape, and Pineapple, I think. The punch and raspberry ones survived in later tropical packs, but the grape and pineapples mysteriously vanished forever. THose two were my fucking favorites, especially pineapple; I dare say that the pineapple was even better than strawberry.

Chestnuts roasted by Krappy Kat @ 10/07/2003 09:28 PM EST

Tropical Starburst is great stuff. It always sold out fast at the camp store I ran.

Chestnuts roasted by JG! @ 10/07/2003 10:19 PM EST

Using chocolate instead of almond bark was right. Almond bark is a type of chocolate candy coating.

Chestnuts roasted by candybar @ 10/08/2003 01:12 AM EST

I like roasting starbursts over a campfire. Just stick them on the end of a marshmellow roaster. They get nice and gooey and a nice carmelized coating forms. They do burn like hell if they get to hot and drip flaming packet of pain on your skin.

Chestnuts roasted by drayzel @ 10/08/2003 02:40 AM EST

Original Skittles are the same in the UK/Ireland and the USA except Europe has blackcurrent on the packet instead of grape. However, both purple Skittles taste the same, so people in the US are actually eating blackcurrant, or Europeans are eating grape flavour. Who knows? Wild Berries and Sours appear to be different though.

Chestnuts roasted by F-13 @ 10/08/2003 05:32 AM EST

I loves the orange starbursts, yummy :)

Chestnuts roasted by jjgoreha @ 10/08/2003 10:02 AM EST

Ok, I was never one for lemon-flavored candy and well... grape is the absolute lowest you can get before reaching cinnamon, but orange? Man orange is where it's at! That said I still prefer Mambas to Starburst. Softer, tastier, better flavors and each is nicely segregated in its own little mini-packaged flavor ghetto. Sure you miss out on the selection, but at least you get to be anal about it.

Chestnuts roasted by Belgand @ 10/09/2003 12:41 AM EST

Pineapple candy should be outlawed.

Chestnuts roasted by sweet polly purebred @ 10/09/2003 05:37 PM EST

My best friend Glenn and I seem to be the only two fans of pineapple candy on the planet. I don't like normal pineapple and neither does he, but her practically lives on frozen pineapple and we always fight over the last of the pineapple gummi bears when we get bags of the stuff.

Personally, I'm not big on the regular packs of Starburst, but I love those ones in the blue package. Plum, passionfruit, watermelon and cherry... mm mm goood.

Chestnuts roasted by Freezair @ 10/10/2003 09:52 PM EST

Think there is a candy created that is too old for Matt to eat? Or any other kind of food fr that matter?

Chestnuts roasted by TOP1214 @ 10/11/2003 08:40 PM EST

Red starbursts suck, as does any cherry flavored candy. They all remind me of cold medicine or cherry cough drops, which are also the worst. Cherries themselves are good, just never in candy form.

When I looked at the first picture of the Starburst wrapper, I thought to myself, yeah, that's what a Starburst wrapper looks like! I never noticed the change either.

Chestnuts roasted by Archer @ 10/21/2003 03:14 PM EST

My mate has, at this very moment in time, got a pack of Opal Fruits in his freezer. When the name was changed in the UK to Starburst in the '90s, he thought it was only fitting that he should cryogenically preserve a packet to show to his grandchildren. Like they'll give a damn.

Chestnuts roasted by FizzyFish @ 10/28/2003 08:42 AM EST

Found this old thread while doing a search on the lime flavored starburst.

I'm a lime flavor candy freak myself and miss my childhood growing up in the 70s when Starburst fruit chews were lime, lemon, strawberry, and orange. The bags were all white w/ color photo-realistic imagery of the fruit on the front instead of yellow as they are now and have been since the M&Ms Co. changed lime to cherry circa 1980.

I actually wrote to them back when I was in grade school asking them to bring back the lime flavor, but they would just send me back these great coupons. And tell me they took a survey in 1980 or early 80s and found that people didn't like the lime that much and liked the cherry one much better. Its been forever gone since then. Not once have they done a special anniversary or tribute flavor, though they have gone on to make lots of new flavors and related products. Some good, some not.

I guess some people really like the cherry flavor. I have always disliked its harsh tang. It also reminded me of Sucrets which I also hated as a kid. Nasty cherry flavor. eck. The Starburst cherry chews are not quite as strong or as bad as them. But they sure aren't as good as the lime, at least not to me.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt of the U.S. @ 05/26/2004 07:57 PM EST