"RMK" just sent in a fantastic e-mail: "The other day I was cleaning out our hall closet, and for whatever reason someone had stored a stack of late 80s magazines and newspapers in the back. With nothing better to do on a weekend I looked through the pile before sending it to the recycling bin, and low and behold I found two things that I normally wouldn't have given a second glance to had it not been for recent mentions in X-Entertainment stories. First off, a copy of "USA Today" from June 2 1986.....I noticed the little snapshot graphic. I know this looks like a photoshopped picture, but I still have the whole sheet, so I can prove its not if need be. Check out the fifth greatest selling video cassette of all time circa 1986."
"Secondly, I found a Variety magazine from the 1988 Cannes Film Festival. Guess what film was screened at that esteemed gathering of film critics and glamorous stars....."Nukie"! I can just imagine Roger Ebert - who brags about seeing every last film presented at the yearly event - sitting through this flick."
Awesome stuff, RMK. I'd be truly amazed if USA Today's facts weren't a bit screwy, because I just can't see Clue: The VCR Game gaining that much momentum without word-of-mouth negative advertising killing it off first. It wasn't a terrible game for the time, and it felt "special" in a less technologically advanced decade, but come on...the proof is in the pudding. The rest of the list seems off, too. Michael Jackson's "The Making of Thriller" was the third best-selling video ever?
As for Nukie, I'd guess that the page you scanned is just about the only print promotion the film ever enjoyed. Most of the films I've reviewed were awful in their own special way, but Nukie was awful in absolutely every way imaginable. I've never seen a group of people put so much effort into something so obviously terrible at every turn. The only people I've ever spoken to who were able to sit through the thing were fellow reviewers of bad movies, so you can imagine the drive and motivation it'd take for a regular audience to make it through.
Incidentally, I haven't watched the flick yet, but there's a weird old movie sitting on the shelf here that stars some kind of alien puppet thing, and strike me down if I'm wrong, but based on the box art, the guy looks exactly like Nukie, save for a glued-on cotton beard. It's entirely possible that the Nukie suit showed up for another shitty movie, and if that turns out to be true, you can bet on a review sometime soon.
REPLIES: 54 comments
You know... there's a big thing about being the first post that I've never gotten, but it's really exciting to see a "No Comments" link on anything.
Sadly, I have nothing else to say... because it's too early and I can't read yet.
Chestnuts roasted by Kate @ 09/26/2003 06:36 AM EST
You know, I'm not surprised at the high ranking of the Making of Thriller video. I was living in Germany in the late 80s and *I* had it -- probably because it was one of the few English tapes you could get at that time. (Incidentally, I also had Madballs: Gross Jokes and a couple of Care Bears movies, and I think that My Little Pony movie with the smooze...)
As far as Nukie goes, I really didn't think it was that bad. Well, okay, it was horrible, but certainly watchable -- it didn't bore me in the least, and I wouldn't hesitate to foist it upon a friend or two. (Which is probably why I don't have any...) But seriously, I've seen worse.
Chestnuts roasted by Wes @ 09/26/2003 07:31 AM EST
Oh no, Nukie definitely wasn't boring. You're right about that. I think my main concern, story aside of course, was the terrible sound editing and voice effects. It's like, they filmed all this shit that obviously took lots of time and cash, and totally ruined it with the most generic alien voices, beeping sounds, and musical score imaginable.
Still, Nukie's fireworks show marks the film as an impossible-to-top bad movie.
Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 09/26/2003 07:48 AM EST
Second to Nukie's terrible E.T. Ripoff plot comes "Mac and Me" the only E.T. Ripoff paid for by McDonalds. Damn you Ronald, you got us again! Then again, I couldn't watch that Nukie clip of Nukie inexpliably making fireworks, I think my head was going to implode, dear god that was insane.
Chestnuts roasted by James @ 09/26/2003 09:29 AM EST
Back in '86 weren't VCRs and video tapes just really beginning to get big? Like, by about a few years? You know how when a new technology (like VCRs, DVDs, game systems) comes out, for a couple of years everyone is excited about it but there really aren't that many things to go with the technology, but in their excitement, people will buy whatever is out there. Which is how I explain the presence of DVDs like Volcano or Any Given Sunday in so many people's collection. Something like that may be going on with the Clue VCR game.
Although another cogent point is this masterpiece of understatement by Ye Webmastere Extraordinaire:
> I'd be truly amazed if USA Today's facts weren't a bit screwy
You and pretty much anybody else who knows anything about media.
Also, Matt, is the movie you mentioned at the end of the blog Making Contact? That's one I pulled out fo the bargain bin on the premise that it looked suitably cheesy and old but I still haven't watched. Meh: it was $3.00 CAN, which is about $0.000001 US for our eagle neighbours to the South.
Chestnuts roasted by Molten @ 09/26/2003 09:56 AM EST
When my seven-year old sister looked over my shoulder while checking out that Nukie poster and asked "Is that Dobby?" After looking at it a bit, it does kind of look like that thing from Harry Potter. Coincednece!?!
Um, Yeah. It is.
Hey, Matt. SGM. Anytime. Just Now.
Chestnuts roasted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 09/26/2003 10:51 AM EST
Hey molten, it's funny you should mention the prolificness of "any given sundays" and "volcanos" in peoples collections. I hink I can explain this phenom. 2 years ago almost to the month, Best Buy had a deal where if you bought a dvd player, you could pick 3 dvd movies from a limited selection. at that time dvd started taking off and it was around the holiday season, so people were buying. the above stated 2 movies were proabaly the best choices, however "Austin Powers: the spy who shagged me" and "gone with the wind" were also available. I chose the austin, any given, and since it's a classic- gone with the wind. Which is still in it's wrapper. So there you have it, unless you don't have best buy in Canada, then i'd look to the water supply.
Chestnuts roasted by sweepthelegjohnny @ 09/26/2003 12:55 PM EST
Best Buy has begun to seep into Canada. I dread the possibility that the Wal Mart Effect will happen (When Wal Mart exploded into Canada, it drilled the final nail in the coffin of Eatons, a Century-old Department Store, for those of you who care about Canadian Business...Damn you, NAFTA)
Chestnuts roasted by AL @ 09/26/2003 01:58 PM EST
I hate to be such a complainer on this site, because the whole site is just about having fun with stupid shit, but why is my computer not letting me see the Nukie video clips in Matt's review? I so desperately want to see how innane this film is (especially the torture scene). I seem to mention this fact anytime there are video clips on this site, so I'm sorry for bringing it up again, but usually, when I click the link to the video clips, I am taken to a page with all sorts of alien symbols that I can't understand. There's no video clip on the page, just weird shit, and I'd really like to see Nukie, being the lover of bad films that I am. Please, can anyone tell me what I have not loaded onto my computer?
Chestnuts roasted by inkmage @ 09/26/2003 02:58 PM EST
You will hear no more complaining out of me in the future for I have discovered the reason. I was apparently using the wrong browser or the browser didn't have the flash plug-in, or whatever. But I can see them now! This is like looking at X-E for the first time all over again, now that I can watch commercials.
Chestnuts roasted by inkmage @ 09/26/2003 03:05 PM EST
I finally saw Clue (the movie) for the first time last weekend, and I have only Matt to thank for exposing me to the greatest flick in cinema history.
Or, at the very least, the greatest flick in cinema history starring Tim Curry, Madeline Kahn and Michael McKean.
Chestnuts roasted by squee4242 @ 09/26/2003 03:35 PM EST
the only people who had VCRs back then also had more money than brains.
Hmm, why can't I find Roger Ebert's review of nukie online? darn. Glad we got matt to subject himself to this stuff.
Chestnuts roasted by fghsfh @ 09/26/2003 03:40 PM EST
I know this has nothing to do with anything here, but this does have 80's significance. Robert Palmer died. You know, the Addicted to Love guy.
Chestnuts roasted by Nemesis @ 09/26/2003 04:27 PM EST
You do have to keep in mind that this is prior to the VHS release of Top Gun, which was one of the first major home video releases to be "priced-to-own", with most films on VHS prior to that costing around $100 new, mainly meant to be sold to video rental outlets, not private home viewers. Back then, if you wanted a Hollywood film, most people would either just tape it off TV, or, if you were a film purist and could afford it, you'd buy the LaserDisc of it, which were expensive, but still cheaper than buying the VHS tapes meant to be sold to rental outlets. (LDs actually predate CDs by a few years, believe it or not, though they were called "LaserVision" back then.) So it would not surprise me at all that 3 of the 5 *top-selling* (as opposed to top-renting) VHS tapes in 1986 were niche special-interest titles.
Chestnuts roasted by Steve Brandon @ 09/26/2003 05:32 PM EST
AL: I hate to break it to you, but Best Buy is in Canada in stronger number sthan you might think, and you may not even know it. I'm assuming you know about Futurre Shop? The cover for Best Buy in Canada? Same owners. And they usually have stores within a block of each other.
I for one do not miss Eaton's. Too expensive. And that's what happens when you let a whole family of spoiled brats (the heirs to the estate) run a store instead of finding someone good. Next stop--Zellers.
I found something that may make people very sad. Some of our beloved, or not, GI Joes have been remade into a bizarre Dollar-store version of an international peace-keeping unit. Including Snake-Eyes, Flint, a hooded Storm Shadow, and most horrifyingly, the Baroness. Except she has a hairline like Thora Birch (you know, the girl from American Beauty and Ghost World). I just couldn't bring myself to pay $1 for her, but I might if I see it again.
Chestnuts roasted by Sean @ 09/26/2003 05:39 PM EST
ARRRRGHHHH!!! DAMN YOU NAFTA!!
Thank God I shop at neither Wal Mart OR Future Shop:D
Chestnuts roasted by AL @ 09/26/2003 06:05 PM EST
I like Best Buy... what Canadian chain sells music exclusively?? Is A & B Sound Canadian? If so, then they just lowered their prices... 30 per cent, woo hoo!
Eaton's did suck, but we still have The Bay, baby... oh ya.
Matt, you rock, halloween rocks. I'm going as a pirate.. yar.
Chestnuts roasted by kim @ 09/26/2003 06:14 PM EST
I think Universal cut their cd prices by 30%, don't think it was the retailer. There are quite a few articles on that if ya look.
Anyway, I feel retarded after watching the nukie clips. There's really nothing left for me tonight than to go for the drug-induced sleep. I really wish I hadn't seen that.
Chestnuts roasted by Elliott @ 09/26/2003 09:23 PM EST
Yes kim, A&B Sound is Canadian. I, however, am not. I just go to school there.
Future Shop is in fact owned by Best Buy. I remember a worker there talking about it when they were about to undergo Best Buy ownership.
But the best places to go to in Canada are those privately owned places that sell used videos, CDs, video games, and whatnot. In my town, there's this one dude called Crazy Bob who sells all sorts of cool old LPs and videos. My roommate actually knows the guy.
Ok, enough of my bullshit. Sorry, I just felt like rambling on and on and on and...
Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 09/26/2003 09:58 PM EST
..Damn you, Matt! Your review of Unicron made me go out and buy one for my husband! Honestly, it's for my husband. And the Optimus Prime and Starscream toys were for him too. And the 7 sets of minicons, too. Nevermind that I play with them as much as he does. They were for him. His birthday present. His precioussss...
Anyway, as I was saying, it's all your fault that I spent $175 on Transformers toys. I hate you now.
Chestnuts roasted by Silkenray @ 09/26/2003 10:31 PM EST
I'm thinking that poll is pretty accurate. We have all of those tapes except for the Jane Fonda workout. Except for the fact that we are filthy pirates and have our own bootlegs of all the tapes. Except for the Clue VCR Game. We were suckered into that one somehow.
Chestnuts roasted by David @ 09/26/2003 11:01 PM EST
So is anyone else waiting until midnight, to see if Matt puts up the next countdown right on time? Or am I th eonly one trying to avoid studyign on a Friday night without the guilt of goign out?
Chestnuts roasted by TOP1214 @ 09/26/2003 11:58 PM EST
In regards 2 the TMNT drug clip- actually was shown that in my school. The drug dealer couldn't be more than 10; obvious questions as to where he could acquire pot. Nextly, he has pot, which I'm assuming was hard to get at his age...he's just going to give it away for free? If it were me, I'd at least have to have some money for it.
Chestnuts roasted by sharkie @ 09/27/2003 12:05 AM EST
ORSON WELLES AND THE BAT-MAN
http://www.comicbookresources.com/columns/index.cgi?column=thecolumn
New G.I. Joe movie on Cartoon Network this Saturday night.
http://www.figures.com/databases/action.cgi?setup_file=fignews2.setup&category=actionfigures&topic=77&show_article=349
Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 09/27/2003 01:22 AM EST
Just recently I saw Nukie mentioned in a non-XE related context, and I meant to rush online and post about it immediately, but then I got sleepy and took a nap. And now I can't remember where I saw it. Ahh fuck.
Matt: "I think my main concern, story aside of course, was the terrible sound editing and voice effects."
MY main concern was the 8 gallons of freakin snot that was on Nukie's face throughout the entire movie. ET was so ugly he was cute...Nukie was just disgusting.
Chestnuts roasted by Hellpop! @ 09/27/2003 02:27 AM EST
Hey, wait a minute... in the movie, Nukie was wearing some ugly cloth robe thing, but in this ad, he appears to be naked... in the immortal words of more people than I care to credit, WTF?
Chestnuts roasted by Freezair @ 09/27/2003 11:06 AM EST
man i guess cuz he has such a bad image now people don't wanna remember but michael jackson was HUGE in the 80s. i remember having a couple of michael jackson school folders, one of his albums on tape, maybe even a poster of him, and i couldn't even stand him!
but when thriller came out it was truly a cultural phenomenon, i remember everybody rushing out to get it when they released it on tape, plus they would show it on mtv like 0923485023984 times a day.
Chestnuts roasted by dallasrap.com @ 09/27/2003 04:10 PM EST
A good friend of mine's last name is Eaton. I can't wait to tell him he share's a name with a a century old former Canadian dept store. yes!
Chestnuts roasted by sweepthelegjohhny @ 09/27/2003 04:34 PM EST
heheh im too lazy to read this hole thing. so if anyone said this im realy sorry im just lazy
NUKIE is wiping his nose hahahaha
Chestnuts roasted by Jared @ 09/27/2003 06:09 PM EST
Just recently I saw Nukie mentioned in a non-XE related context, and I meant to rush online and post about it immediately, but then I got sleepy and took a nap. And now I can't remember where I saw it. Ahh fuck.
I don't know where you saw it, but I recently saw a Nukie reference on www.wrestlecrap.com
Chestnuts roasted by Bigshow71 @ 09/27/2003 06:55 PM EST
No one should be making references to things like Nunkie in a non X-E context. That's just too scary to think of. It means people actually watched it. I'm gonna blame this on the Krulls.
Chestnuts roasted by CardCaptor Loki @ 09/27/2003 07:50 PM EST
From the producer of "Star Wars" and the director of "Spaced Invaders" comes "5-25-77"
http://filmforce.ign.com/articles/451/451530p1.html
Why Gary Kurtz left after Empire: http://filmthreat.com/Interviews.asp?Id=8
Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 09/27/2003 09:02 PM EST
Bigshow71, that's exactly where I saw it mentioned. I see this week that RD has followed up his comments on Nukie with a link to X-E, so all is right once again with the universe.
Matt, how does it feel knowing that all roads from Nukie ultimately lead back to you?
Chestnuts roasted by Hellpop! @ 09/27/2003 11:23 PM EST
Uh oh... Matt's close to missing his deadline... COME ON, MATT! YOU CAN MAKE IT!
Chestnuts roasted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 09/27/2003 11:35 PM EST
One minutes left, Matt! You can make the countdown! Come On!
Chestnuts roasted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 09/27/2003 11:59 PM EST
So who else is watching the GI Joe movie? It just started here in Colorado, or maybe I'm watching an encore, but from what I see, the animation style and movement makes everything look nonrealistic but rather as it looked on our floors as kids; IE It looks like a bunch of toys running around. I don't know if I like that quality or not yet, too soon to tell. But you can't deny how sexy Baroness is.
Chestnuts roasted by inkmage @ 09/28/2003 01:11 AM EST
I was hoping this GI Joe movie might take the subject matter seriously, but they just cooked some meat by tossing grenades on it. (bows and shakes head in embarrassment) Oh well, I guess it's simply one interpretation.
Chestnuts roasted by inkmage @ 09/28/2003 01:15 AM EST
This is the first time in my life that not being Canadian has made me feel left out of something.
Chestnuts roasted by Shave the Whales @ 09/28/2003 01:56 AM EST
I was trying to explain Nukie to my friends at school today. I have not seen the movie, as I told them, but I now know the basic plot. I was giving them the short version of your article and one of my friends just yelled out "I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE THIS ANYMORE" and left. Yep, Nukie is definately insane.
Chestnuts roasted by Elliott @ 09/28/2003 03:13 AM EST
By the way, any other Canadians here want to join me in pestering YTV into showing The Worst Witch at Hallowe'en (please specify the original movie, not the TV series which came long after)? It was a regular part of YTV's Hallowe'en programming in the early years, back when they showed the cheapest things available, but, since they've become much more successful, these days they just show the Hallowe'en episodes of their most popular series from Canada or Nickelodeon or Cartoon Network. Curses! The Faruza Balk/Tim Curry Worst Witch film should, nay, *must* become an annual tradition in Canada once again, and so it shall be!
Chestnuts roasted by Steve Brandon @ 09/28/2003 04:43 AM EST
"So who else is watching the GI Joe movie? "
are u talkin about the old cartoon movie from the 80s, is there a new gi joe movie?
Chestnuts roasted by dallasrap.com @ 09/28/2003 04:47 AM EST
Yes. This past evening on Cartoon Network they were playing a new computer animated GI Joe movie, only about an hour time slot with commercials. Wasn't really worth the time, but the ninja fighting between SnakeEyes and StormShadow was almost worth it. Others might differ, though.
Chestnuts roasted by inkmage @ 09/28/2003 04:58 AM EST
> in the early years, back when they showed the cheapest things available
I'm the only one who liked Putnam's Prairie Emporium. I know it; I live with the shame.
Chestnuts roasted by Molten @ 09/28/2003 10:16 AM EST
I SAW IT!!! I hate to admit it, expessially now, but even w/ my love of transformers, I wasn't to excited at the prospect of having to shell out $50 for the Unicron figure, but I saw it yesterday, and I'm in love! Even w/ Matt's shot w/ his head, I had no idea that it was quite that huge! If anyone had $50 burning a hole in their pockets, I have a good cause, and I won't use it on crack. In fact I probably wouldn't be getting any sex for quite a while after that.
Chestnuts roasted by random bob @ 09/28/2003 11:45 AM EST
I would to take this oppurtunity to point out that the Kid Cuisine mascot is in fact a Penguin and not a duck.
Chestnuts roasted by Patrick N @ 09/28/2003 06:26 PM EST
Remember when the kid cuisine mascots were a pengin and a polar bear? Matt have you ever been to a Disney theme park? Becasue there the chicken nuggets are shaped like mickey mouse heads.
Chestnuts roasted by pikachulover @ 09/28/2003 06:44 PM EST
www.stomptokyo.com has a review of Nukie. :D
Chestnuts roasted by GJ @ 09/28/2003 08:53 PM EST
I watched the Joe movie.
Incidentally, they're selling it on DVD with a Snake Eyes/Storm Shadow 2-pack. Nifty.
Chestnuts roasted by Onslaught Six @ 09/28/2003 10:16 PM EST
Regarding Kid's Cuisine, I never really cared for the things when they first came out. Of course that was when I started presently myself as no longer a kid. But I just couldn't justify this dinky little meal without any special. It had cartoon characters on the box, sure, but nothing was special inside, at least in those first days of the company. I just believe that they should come with toys of some sort. I remember they came with pogs for a while, or am I delusional on that point? But who wants pogs, unless they're of Alf?
Chestnuts roasted by inkmage @ 09/28/2003 11:21 PM EST
Ihave a question: How is it a Halloween countdown if it counts up?
I want to see Nukie now, if only to experience the complete inanity that has been promised.
Chestnuts roasted by abstractplane @ 09/29/2003 12:56 AM EST
Well, since we're talking about ugly little creatures covered in snot, I thought Id share this. A friend of mine needed a photo of a monkey for something, and this is the one he chose:
http://www.geometer.org/costarica/monkey.jpg
The monkey is, I guess, fairly cute, aside from its nose and mouth being covered in yellow mucus. If you're really observant, you may notice a glob on its chest. I'm really, really confused as to what would compell someone to take a picture of a monkey covered in phlegm. I mean, obviously thats not something you can put on a postcard or calender...
Chestnuts roasted by Shave the Whales @ 09/29/2003 03:19 AM EST
I'm sure this thread is dead, but if not, I baught Nukie. I have tried 4 times to watch it. I can't. I can not finish it. It is rediculous. The faces nukie makes are retarded... the acting, the plot, the chick from mary poppins... I can't get through it. I have made it through the fireworks scene... I made it through the talking monkey thing... I just can't finish it. I'd be willing to sell my copy if the price was right.
Chestnuts roasted by chad @ 09/29/2003 02:26 PM EST
Wow, I have the Making of Michael Jackson's Thriller on VHS. I wonder what it's worth now. Care to do a review on it?
Chestnuts roasted by allie @ 09/30/2003 10:27 PM EST
Sgt. Grey is currently teaching theater arts at Fitchburg State College in Mass.
No lie. I know him.
Chestnuts roasted by macalister macavity @ 06/27/2004 04:27 AM EST
