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07/17/2003 Entry: "New Article: Donkey Kong Jr. Math!"

New Article: I've seen Donkey Kong around in the news lately because someone beat the old arcade record or some shit, and I'd say that I wanted to tie this one in as a timely crossover, but it's just a stupid coincidence. When Nintendo arrived, so did the parental complaints that the games did little for young minds. Nintendo fired back with Donkey Kong Jr. Math, an "educational" title that helped kids practice arithmetic. Starring the most famous arcade gorilla and his son, it's an obscure title for some very clear reasons. Bonus: quick review of Donkey Kong Junior's cereal!

REPLIES: 29 comments

DONKEY KONG!!! WOO HOO!!!! Just thought I'd add a little mindlessnessnessnes to this :)

And if you notice, I spelled out snes snes over and over :) Yay me!

Chestnuts roasted by Eric @ 07/18/2003 12:44 AM EST

Fearsome, mathematical and terrifying. When do we get the Jerry Bruckheimer 130 million big stars freak out fast cut camera filters techno beats CGI bullet time kick ass soundtrack from and inspired by the summer blockbuster DONKEY KONG? Did Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo really screw us for life? And hey, were there really going to be prize packs for the Photog folk? I'm not at all complaining, I was just hoping to place the Bela on my Ed Wood wall-shrine. No fooling. Go COMIC CON 2003, you lucky San Diego BASTARDS!

Chestnuts roasted by Abe McBrian @ 07/18/2003 01:00 AM EST

Never thought I'd see THIS game again. Had it, hated it. I was almost in middle school by the time it came my way, so yeah, sucked.

Chestnuts roasted by Jon @ 07/18/2003 01:05 AM EST

This shitty game came in my Memory Card that came with Animal Crossing. Even though I didn't play it back then, it still sucks now. The original Donkey Kong can't be beat, its funner. Also of (non) interest is that Donkey Kong Jr. Math has been re-released as an E-Card for the GBA E-Reader cart.

Chestnuts roasted by Crunk @ 07/18/2003 02:06 AM EST

According to Nintendo, it's rumored that Donkey Kong Jr. didn't retire, he grew up.

Yeah, the Donkey Kong (DK) from the popular SNES series, and the various other games is none other than Donkey Kong JR, all grown up.

In the Donkey Kong Country games, there's an old ape named Cranky Kong who claims to be the original Donkey Kong. Hmmmm....

Chestnuts roasted by Tenchi-chan @ 07/18/2003 02:45 AM EST

Hi Tenchi... anime fans, gawd love'em. ^_^

Chestnuts roasted by Lynn (aka. Natsuki) @ 07/18/2003 05:57 AM EST

When the guy who organizes Donkey Kong's interlevel airplane flights is more recognizable than his son, you know there's a sad story hidden deep in there somewhere.

A reference to Funky Kong. Thanks, Matt, you've just made my day.

Chestnuts roasted by Paul @ 07/18/2003 08:05 AM EST

That cereal was good. My mother wouldn't let us buy sugared cereal very often (like maybe 4 times a year), but we were vacationing and went to Disneyworld and brought our own ceral to eat in the motels (I'm pretty much still that cheap) and I chose D.K.Jr while my sister got Cap'n Crunch. Anyway, I can also remember the tune and the last line of the comercial. "New Donkey Kong Jun-ior Ce-re-allll". Also on that vacation "Mario Brothers" had just come out and there was an add in one of the comics that I brought that read to the tune of "Car 54 Where Are You" that I still remember and will recite for you now, from memory, at work .

Somethings gumming up the plumbing
Luigi's in a bind
Killer turtles out to get him
Giant crabs are right behind
Fireflies!
Holy Cripes!
They're all coming from the pipes
Maaaario where are you

Chestnuts roasted by klatubaradanikto @ 07/18/2003 11:48 AM EST

Argh! Attack of the double post! I had a friend that had one of the religious based games & it kept asking you scriptures, but I didn't know any of them & she would laugh at me.

Chestnuts roasted by Scarlett @ 07/18/2003 11:56 AM EST

Actually, your statement that Donkey Kong Junior lost steam over the years is untrue. When the company Rareware took over the DK franchise, they made the star of the game not arcade DK, but DK Jr. The arcade DK was aged into the character called Cranky Kong. Nintendo, of course, doesn't understand this, and kept adding DK Jr. into their mario sports titles for the N64.

Chestnuts roasted by Saf @ 07/18/2003 12:51 PM EST

What Saf said is true, Nintendo generally throws continuity (sp?) out the door for their games. For example, in Yoshi's Island, Yoshi is helping Mario, only, hes a baby, and is going to reunite him with Baby Luigi. The game says those are the Mario Brothers, just as babys. Yet when they made Mario Tennis and Golf for N64, they had the two babies along with the regular Mario and Luigi. Is anyone still reading this?

Chestnuts roasted by Crunk @ 07/18/2003 03:44 PM EST

Not to mention the fact that Mario and Luigi are supposed to be from Brooklyn. How the hell are they from Brooklyn if they were delivered to parents in what was clearly a mushroom house??? I've never been to Brooklyn but I'm pretty damn sure that there aren't any houses made out of giant mushrooms there! Oh well. Still love em :)

Chestnuts roasted by Eric @ 07/18/2003 04:50 PM EST

> I had a friend that had one of the religious based games & it kept asking you
> scriptures, but I didn't know any of them & she would laugh at me.

A Wisdom Tree game, no doubt. I really got into one of them (for the kitsch value -- stop looking at me like that). My favourite bit was when you lobbed the fruit of righteousness at one of the sinners, and what happened? He turned from a black man into a tow-headed white man. Washed his sins and pigmentation clear away. I keep trying to get a screen cap of it to send a friend, but L-View is shite. Or I'm too slow or something.

Chestnuts roasted by Molten @ 07/18/2003 05:24 PM EST

Molten, you have just opened my eyes to Wisdom Tree and here is what I found:
http://www.atarihq.com/tsr/odd/scans/wisdomtree.html
http://www.websurfnicaragua.com/vgames/noah3d.htm
http://www.gamefaqs.com/portable/gameboy/review/R34400.html
http://www.christianlink.com/media/wisdom/

Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 07/18/2003 07:40 PM EST

Donkey Kong Jr. was also in Super Mario Kart.
And hey, Donkey Kong Jr. Math isn't that bad when you play with someone else! I actually had a halfway decent time with it on Animal Crossing.

Chestnuts roasted by Manky Kong @ 07/18/2003 07:53 PM EST

Animal Crossing Pear townie here.

That's not AI. That's Authentic Absence of Player 2 input. Don't count as AI. Kinda bummed me out, as so I, the only only child in my extended family, could only play "EXCERCISE". However, I did use it to BEAT A KID MUCH SMARTER THAN ME AT SOMETHING MATH-RELATED (I have a 140-ish IQ, mind you. This kid is SMAAART). MAAN that felt cool. Two Grade Eights. One in Math 1-8th Grade, one in Advanced Math 9th (told you he was smart)... both facing off using their MADDD BASIC ARITHMATIC SKILLZZZZZ!!!!!

Dude, do not consider ANYTHING in SMB:TM to be anywhere NEAR canon. Just use the cardinal rule: If Toad is Flea as a dinosaur with a small head, and Miyamoto doesn't have an Executive Supervisor credit, disregard, disregard.

Nintendidn't mess up w/the Baby Mario thing. On one of the old official gamesites they said something akin two, "We don't know how Mario can play against himself, but then again, we made Event Match #34, so who gives a shit?" Nintendo KNEW they were one & the same. There's a hole in the space-time continuum near Redmond that allows them to do this sort of thing. (Microsoft used the very same hole to release Windows 95 in August 1994.)

DKJRMATH-e don't exist, fool! That plain old DKJR-e! Pity!

I can't wait for G&We. (Especially since they screwed around in Gallery 4 and made those shadows there. WAAAY too dark to be LCDish.)

Stop messin' with me, Mario Brutha frum anutha mutha! I be the "Father of all LCD games", yo! You F*in owe me for that Snoopy Tennis BS!

Chestnuts roasted by "MR. GAME & WATCH" @ 07/19/2003 12:46 AM EST

Played it on Animal Crossing, can't figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do.

Chestnuts roasted by Patrick N @ 07/19/2003 04:34 AM EST

I was looking around on one of the sites ME linked to and I found this:

http://www.atarihq.com/tsr/other/tetrisboard.jpg

Good. LORD. Matt, if you manage to find a copy of this, I will find my way to your house and hold you under a slowly dripping faucet until you agree to go a review.

Chestnuts roasted by Freezair @ 07/19/2003 04:52 AM EST

That's the one, ME. The game I was trying to remember the name of, and that I was far too lazy to look up, was Spiritual Warfare. The game play actually isn't that horrible -- but not as good as Zelda, as one of the sites ME found suggests -- and it still kept me busy for an evening.

Things I Learned While Playing 'Spiritual Warfare'

� "Shit! Damn! Fuck! I really needed that vial of God spunk to blow up those rocks!"
� "Hey! Cool! Jeebus-love makes me invulnerable to bullets!"
� "Aaah! I've figured out the secret to determining a man's character: bad men wear leather, denims, polyester-blends and ducktails -- or business suits -- whenever possible and are either poor or highly educated. Good men wear cotton and have blond televangelist hair. God help you (literally) if you're black."

Aaah. Fun times for blasphemous atheists. I also have Bible Buffet (the sound is actually more grating than the sound of dial-up); Sunday Funday; Joshua; and King of Kings (all on ROM, of course -- like I'd pay for this crap. Shyeah, right). They really are mostly rips of other games. You'd think they'd have some religious compunctions about stealing other people's code, but I guess all's fair in spiritual war.

Sad fact is, I was raised extremely religiously, and can answer most of the Bible-related questions. I wish that I was cool like Scarlett and could say that I can't. Not to mention, it would be nice to free up the head space for something useful.

Ah well, I've gone on for too long. Off to play Grand Theft Auto. Happy weekend, y'all.

Chestnuts roasted by Molten @ 07/19/2003 11:32 AM EST

Well, I've got good news and I've got irrelevant news. Fortunately they're one and the same.

Now, for the unadressed comment: Is it like that game Bart played on that Simpsons episode (back before I stopped watching) where he went to the Flanders'? (it involved converting people.)

Now for the good, irrelevant news - I AM RID OF THAT INFERNAL LAPTOP! After nearly a YEAR of being restricted to using my mom's computer (since October), I finally have gotten my internet connection back! (Lucky my Dad forgot why he took it in the first place) I write this on my own PC with my own Unown-ed up keyboard! (Also, exploding backspace and red bomb self-destruct Delete key)! ! !

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!
Makes me forget I look like Wario.

Chestnuts roasted by "MR. GAME & WATCH" @ 07/19/2003 10:42 PM EST

Bart: When I'm feeling low, you know what cheers me up?
Rod: Kindness?
Bart: Oooh, tough room. Video games! Whaddyagot?
(He reaches to the bookshelf and picks up a copy of "Billy Graham's Bible Blasters," and they begin to play.)
Rod: Keep firing! Convert the heathens!
(A series of "heathens" crosses the video screen as a "Bible gun" fires Bibles at them. When a "heathen" is hit, he turns into a conservatively dressed man with a halo.)
Bart: Got him!
Rod: No, you just winged him and made him a Unitarian.
Todd: Look out, Bart! A gentle Baha'i!
(Bart zaps the Baha'i, turning him into another suit with a halo).
Bart: All right! Full conversion!

Actually, it is a lot like that.

Congrats on getting off the laptop: the monitors on those things drive me crazy. Should I be asking why your dad did take away your connection in the first place? ;)

Chestnuts roasted by Molten @ 07/20/2003 12:36 AM EST

Sorry for the double post, but I meant to add the URL for the page I cut and pasted the Simpsons quote from (click my name); it has stuff about other lame Xian video games.

Chestnuts roasted by Molten @ 07/20/2003 12:43 AM EST

I remember that many years ago the local video rental also had a Noah's Ark game sitting on its shelves in the games department. I think that was actually a NES cartridge, though. Not sure if I picked up the box to take a closer look (I honestly can't remember), but I do know I never rented it.

Now I wish I had. :(

Chestnuts roasted by JC @ 07/20/2003 09:44 AM EST

Ah, nothing like mathematics with monkeys. That game is quite the rarity in the NES collecting world as well.

Chestnuts roasted by Jackalneo @ 07/20/2003 02:28 PM EST

Hey, remember Bubble Bath Babes for the NES? It was vaguely (very vaguely) like Tetris and had progressively naked 8-bit chicks in it. Unlicensed, but a pretty highly distributed NES cartridge (supposedly) for your Dad, but I'd think it was more popular contraband amongst guys who had yet to touch a breast.

Chestnuts roasted by Molten @ 07/20/2003 07:40 PM EST

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