07/10/2003 Entry: "The Ugly Ball."

Wondering just what the Hell you're looking at up there? Click here to find out. I'll tell you this -- it's got something to do with Bonkers candy, something to do with Madballs, something vaguely to do with robot watches, and nothing to do with the fact that I keep lighting cellophane wrappers on fire and mistaking them as "lukewarm" enough to touch, thus rendering much of my right arm bubbling and blistery. It's the Ugly Ball, and it's here.

Chestnuts roasted by Lim @ 07/11/2003 03:36 AM EST

That ads pretty frightening, traumatizing even. good thing its before my time(sort of) cause seeing might have caused heart palpatations.

Chestnuts roasted by Patrick N @ 07/11/2003 05:28 AM EST

God I wish they'd bring back Bonkers. They were my favorite candy. I don't know whether it's pathetic that I pine over something like that, or if that makes me an American hero of sorts.
I actually remember my neighbor having one of those Ugly Balls, as it's pretty hard to forget something that terrifying when you're 7 years old.

Chestnuts roasted by BaronVonHotPants @ 07/11/2003 09:31 AM EST

*raises hand*

My brother has (had?) one of those Uglyballs. Seriously, I remember by brother begging my mom to write the check for him and then him putting the Bonkers labels in the envelope and putting it in the mail. Mom never threw any of his toys away (But ask here where my Barbie Home and Office set it?!?!?)so I bet it is still at home...

Chestnuts roasted by lilmisstramp @ 07/11/2003 10:06 AM EST

I could never find the official Madballs, but I had/have some cheap knockoffs from Michaels. I had all of the comics. Later they introduced a line of madballs with bodies that the head could spring off the top. I have the mummy one of those. I really liked madballs.

Chestnuts roasted by klatubaradanikto @ 07/11/2003 11:17 AM EST

Having read the article through, I'll bet the "Ugly Ball" that got sent was part of the line of knockoffs I had. One of the ones I had looks like the one pictured with the big teeth. My mother keeps them with the pool toys at here house. If they are still there I'll send one or a picture if you need one for your own Ugly Ball pleasure.

Chestnuts roasted by klatubaradanikto @ 07/11/2003 11:34 AM EST

I don't remember ugly balls at all, but I do remember the bonkers comercial, even those were banned at my school, the only thing anybody was allowed to eat was airheads, or jolly ranchers....talke about a faciast school. (ha ha faciast I'm a great speeler)

Chestnuts roasted by brandon @ 07/11/2003 12:24 PM EST

hey.. i remember the madballs with the bodies.. i had one of those too. i think it's the only madball product i had. i remember it breaking pretty quickly, so that the head would no longer stay on the body.

Chestnuts roasted by aphid @ 07/11/2003 01:20 PM EST

What possesses a school to outlaw some candies and not others? Remember when Pogs where Class A contraband?

Chestnuts roasted by squee4242 @ 07/11/2003 03:07 PM EST

Hate to tell you, MrManho, but nothing in the 1980s was sacred to begin with. It's all a tool to sell toys now, and it was all a tool to sell toys then. The fact that any of us enjoyed anything back then -- and probably a lot of stuff now -- is secondary, and quite possibly an accident altogether.

Not to be a downer or nothin'. I mean, I loved He-Man and GI Joe and Transformers, too. But c'mon.

I've got a giant soccer Mad Ball somewheres. That bastard's ugh-lee.

Chestnuts roasted by Chaosmonkey @ 07/11/2003 03:16 PM EST

Agreed with Chaos.

The real clear difference between now and then is purity, and honestly, if you go back further to the 70s and even the 60s, this kind of stuff had even more charm. The 80s era was interesting because it was pretty genuine, and mixed with the decade's realization of mass commercialism, there was a cool dynamic of all this great, grounded stuff packaged in the weirdest ways possible.

I was a kid in the 80s, but I hit my teens in the 90s, and I absolutely hated that decade in every "media" way possible. Not just toy/kiddy stuff mind you, but music, movies, etc. There was just this overwhelming vapidity and soullessness, but thankfully, things seem to have changed for the better in recent years.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 07/11/2003 11:04 PM EST

Great article as always Matt. But one line jumped out at me. Bonkers are technically back?! Please tell me where they are so I can empty my bank account on cases of the fetid, chewy treat. I'm BOnKeRs for bOnKErs! (Ouch).

Chestnuts roasted by Meat @ 07/12/2003 12:12 AM EST

I've yet to see them in stores, but they're available online: http://www.advantageservice.net/bonkers.htm

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 07/12/2003 12:14 AM EST

Advantageservices.com is the greatest website ever (next to X-E, of course). It's the only site I know of where you can purchase junk foods, tobacco products AND knives all in one convenient place.

But Matt gave us the glorious sight of robot anal rape, so he'll always be first in my heart.

Chestnuts roasted by Hellpop! @ 07/12/2003 02:23 AM EST

I can't really remember Bonkers all that well. I guess I never had that much contact with them. I do remember Madballs though. My mom refused to buy them for me. She said that they were hideous. What does she know? Anyone else remember the balls that shot other little balls out of their mouth? What were those? I bet Photog could beat up a giant strawberry. I'd pay to see that!

Chestnuts roasted by Bansheex @ 07/12/2003 09:38 AM EST

Glorious sight of robot anal rape? Dear god, what the hell's wrong with you?

from Dribbleglass.com which may or may not get its stories from Fark.com

SWAZI KING BLAMES TROUSERS FOR WORLD'S ILLS
(Swaziland, Reuters) - Swaziland's absolute monarch has singled out women wearing trousers as the cause of the world's ills in a state radio sermon that also condemned human rights as an "abomination before God." "The Bible says curse be unto a woman who wears pants, and those who wear their husband's clothes. That is why the world is in such a state today," Mswati, ruler of the impoverished feudal nation of about one million, said. The Times of Swaziland reported that the monarch, who reigns supreme in the landlocked country run by palace appointees and where opposition parties are banned, went on to criticize the human rights movement. "What rights? God created people, and He gave them their roles in society. You cannot change what God has created. This is an abomination before God," the king said. Women on the streets of capital Mbabane were not impressed. "The king says I am the cause of the world's problems because of my outfit. Never mind terrorism, government corruption, poverty and disease, it's me and my pants. I reject that," said Thob'sile Dlamini.

Chestnuts roasted by "MR. GAME & WATCH" @ 07/12/2003 11:18 AM EST

Well I agree with Mr Mswati. Damn females and their feminist trousers! If God had wanted women to wear pants they'd be born wearing them!

...

Uh.

Wait a minute.

Chestnuts roasted by JC @ 07/12/2003 11:58 AM EST

I had the loose eyeball madball and that was all we could afford, however our dire straits did allow me the pleasure of shopping at a local bodega (think 99 cent store but owned by spanish people) where I picked up a strange knock off, it was like a madball but in baseball bat form. It was made of pretty resilient stuff for a two dollar toy and I'm sure my family has it somewhere, it was neon yellow plastic and was bugg eyed with worm fixtures. On another point does anyone remember if Mad balls had any restraunt tie-ins because I have a plastic cup in the shelf above the sink back home.

Chestnuts roasted by Happnin' Mojo @ 07/12/2003 04:16 PM EST

I like pants.

I never had Mad Balls or Bonkers.. I was into Amazin Fruit and chocolate. Lots and lots of rich black chocolate.

I like the robot clip. It made me squeal with joy. Fianlly. Porn on my computer.

That can be seen.

Chestnuts roasted by Otaku Queen @ 07/13/2003 12:06 PM EST

I've actually done some research on the current "blog" subject of pants. FACT: Both Hoover and James Earl Ray wore pants FACT:All appointed Nazis were ordered to wear pants (except for the youth guard) FACT: In the text THE ELDER PROTOCOLS OF ZION pants were mentioned as a means of dress FACT: KKK members believe pants to be more dignified FACT: Pants as we know them were invented by the second century alchemist Satana Pantoni FACT: Jesus most likely did not wear pants FACT: Boston bishops DO.
People I ask you to make your own judgement but the facts overwhelmingly support his highness except he seemed to get the gender wrong.....oh crap.

Chestnuts roasted by Happnin' Mojo @ 07/13/2003 01:43 PM EST

I like pants. I like girls who wear pants. It's good to wear pants, because, otherwise, girls would have nothing for me to get into. Unless they were naked all the time, and that's no good because one does want a bit of mystery.

Not to mention, no one wants to see their aunt Helga with no nether-clothes. Ew!

I've been painting all weekend so the fumes may be getting to me.

Otherwise: I remember having one packet of Bonkers and thinking that they were too disgusting for words. And I never ate any again. I liked Mad Balls though. They were good little useless consumerist tchotchkes.

Chestnuts roasted by Molten @ 07/13/2003 01:55 PM EST

I remember bonkers... greatest candy of the 80's... but, didn't they used to come one flavor to a pack? I seem to remember chocolate, grape, and strawberry, but where did this 3 flavors to a pack thing come from? Also, Matt, i purchased a movie this weekend that I think you would enjoy... it's called "Monsturd". If anyone can find a copy of this movie, I would definitely reccomend it for at least a rent. It's one of those movies that's just so bad that it's funny. I think it climbed into my top 25 of all time.

Chestnuts roasted by HaVoK @ 07/13/2003 09:29 PM EST

Whatever happened to Koz? I think it was Koz...? Didn't he like pants? And didn't he share that fact with us several times each blog? Hmmm...I wonder whatever happened to He Who Liked Pants?!

Chestnuts roasted by purplegirl247 @ 07/14/2003 01:40 PM EST

They come, they go, and hopefully, they'll come again. :?

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 07/14/2003 01:42 PM EST

I had one of those watches!!!!

Chestnuts roasted by Scarlett @ 07/16/2003 10:00 PM EST

Yes. Pants are the greatest.

Chestnuts roasted by RoboticParanoia @ 07/20/2003 10:02 PM EST