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07/06/2003 Entry: "Spongebob Vs. Hulk."



Survived the 4th -- now I just gotta figure out what to do with the ten thousand leftover cocktail umbrellas. There were far fewer fireworks going off in my neighborhood than in past years, something I attribute mainly to New York's slow descent into a more loosely organized Attica for taxpayers. In any event, it was pretty damned hot out and I think I found a way to even sweat out my teeth. Teeth sweat's pretty cool actually - real easy to conceal and you don't have to wash anything later. Here's today's article...

It's Spongebob Squarepants versus the Incredible Hulk in the Amazing Popsicle Battle, where the winner is crowned only after one of the combatants melts to death. It's an interesting study in which color of sugar ice is the most durable, but if you're looking for something with a little more punch, I'll mention that both contestants lose their gumball eyes along the way. Full coverage in the post, go read it.

REPLIES: 55 comments


This is the scariest article ever, Matt. Seriously, Spongebob and the Hulk melting like the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark will haunt my dreams forever.

Chestnuts roasted by Hellpop! @ 07/06/2003 06:10 PM EST


And thus you see what happens when you give an incredibly bored human a digital camera, a website, and an odd, yet amusing, sense of humor. :) I picked the right time to catch up on the articles.

Chestnuts roasted by ShadowWing the Technorganic Autobot @ 07/06/2003 06:12 PM EST


Yeah! That was great. I don't know why but I love watching stuff melt. Ahhh now my sunday is complete.

Chestnuts roasted by RyanMan @ 07/06/2003 07:04 PM EST


I can't believe its taken this long for Spongebob to make an X-E appearance.

Now, REVIEW "MAC AND ME"!!!!!

Chestnuts roasted by A-wel Cruiz @ 07/06/2003 07:08 PM EST


Even though the hulk got crushed, I have to maintain that this fight was rigged from the begining. Reason being the darker colors of the Hulks pigment will draw in more sunlight and heat than the lighter, fluffier spongebob.

Chestnuts roasted by meme @ 07/06/2003 07:57 PM EST


Matt, where do you come up with this shit?

Good job my friend, good job.

Good times had by all!

Chestnuts roasted by Cyn @ 07/06/2003 08:59 PM EST


Loved the article, chez awesome. But I have to ask, what's up with the ultra-fantasic-amazing picture of all those early 80's untasty diet drinks?

Chestnuts roasted by CeDb @ 07/06/2003 09:13 PM EST


"Diet Pepsi Free?"
What the hell? Isn't Pepsi Free already Diet?

(Remember, I was born in 1989.)

"What exactly does that mean - 'Totally Sharky Complete'?"

Chestnuts roasted by "MR. GAME & WATCH" @ 07/06/2003 09:30 PM EST


Also, what's with the huge font formerly reserved for the Hulk Pinata (& Bull)?

Chestnuts roasted by "MR. GAME & WATCH" @ 07/06/2003 09:36 PM EST


Cripes that was a funny article. I love these insane subjects.

Chestnuts roasted by JC @ 07/06/2003 09:37 PM EST


Mr. Game,
Allow me to enlighten you. Pepsi Free is caffine free.
Much Love,
Calming Effect

Chestnuts roasted by Calmine Gffect @ 07/06/2003 09:37 PM EST


I made that up.

Chestnuts roasted by CALMING eFFECT @ 07/06/2003 09:39 PM EST


On the sodas:

Didn't those all show up on Marty McFly's headboard at the end of BTTF Part I? (Also when Doc calls him)

Chestnuts roasted by "MR. GAME & WATCH" @ 07/06/2003 09:40 PM EST


Hey all - hope the holiday went well for everyone.

G&W: I like to break out the wacky fonts for the especially wacky articles, in case there's still people who won't otherwise know when not to take things seriously. :)

The Pepsi Free pic is from an old commercial, which I've got, and will be adding to the downloads section this week along with some other great (and really rare) ads.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 07/06/2003 09:40 PM EST


Thx.

"Listen, pal, if you want a Pepsi, you gotta pay for it."

Chestnuts roasted by "MR. GAME & WATCH" @ 07/06/2003 09:42 PM EST


Wow. Reminds me of the time that Regan and Goneril had Gloucester's eyes plucked out and then this King Lear guy came and...well, it was all very tragic and impavid. Just like Hulk vs. Spongebob Squarepants.

I'm glad I didn't put money on this battle royale, because I was waving the Hulk penant.

Chestnuts roasted by Molten @ 07/06/2003 10:25 PM EST


soda cans were soooooo much cooler in the 80s! sigh.

matt, don't you ever smile in photographs?? i'm beginning to wonder if you even have teeth....

Chestnuts roasted by lain @ 07/07/2003 12:20 AM EST


Well...Um....Yeah. Funny article, Matt. I'm glad you do these things, becuase otherwise I would end up doing them.

Chestnuts roasted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 07/07/2003 12:36 AM EST


Shameless self hype! I now have my own blog, cause everyone else in the universe has one, and I'm more interesting than 0.012% of them anyway. Click my name to see it.

I think popsicles battles should be a regular feature of XE, Matt. Do they still make those Pac-Mansicles? I loved those things.

Chestnuts roasted by Hellpop! @ 07/07/2003 01:33 AM EST


You are a horrible person. You destroyed those popsicles lives! Their life goal was to be eaten, but now they are melted everywhere or in the garbage. Spongebob and the Hulk aren't competitive people, they just wanted to be enjoyed by someone. They just had no way of telling you. Exploiting the lives of popsicles for personal pleasure is a sin!.............or not... whatever.

Chestnuts roasted by ... @ 07/07/2003 02:09 AM EST


Matt, let me just say, that has to be your best article in terms of writing skill I have seen. I think that's going to be bigger than the Hungry Man Article.

Chestnuts roasted by Big Will @ 07/07/2003 05:49 AM EST


Matt, you must go to this link. I think you will be interested in this. Disturbing as it is.....

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2003310256,00.html?view

Chestnuts roasted by Draven @ 07/07/2003 11:23 AM EST


Well, cut and paste.

Chestnuts roasted by Draven @ 07/07/2003 11:24 AM EST


Great stuff, as always, Matt. I especially liked how you stuck an "American Gladiators" reference into it.

Keep it up.

Chestnuts roasted by Scott @ 07/07/2003 12:41 PM EST


by far the scariest I have seen on x-e. I am going to the freezer section of the convenience store by my office right now to get a popsicle. or maybe a chipwich! ooooh, chipwich.

Chestnuts roasted by t-rah @ 07/07/2003 12:57 PM EST


funny!

Duh plants are green to absorb solar energy plus spongebob is yellow and reflects away the yellow light of our yellow sun. Totally fixed!

Stick 'em in the fuggin microwave!

Chestnuts roasted by k.jk;b;b @ 07/07/2003 01:33 PM EST


I know a many many many people were interested in seeing the losing photog entries a many many many moons ago...so heres mine, yea! Just click on my name to go to the page to see them. Thank you and goodnite. :)

Chestnuts roasted by Kennef @ 07/07/2003 01:52 PM EST


great stuff matt, this article enlightened me, yet i dont feel this article answers the question "if you shave an ewok down to its bare skin, what would it look like?" or "is inbreedin a usual practice among jedis"

Chestnuts roasted by Alabama Man @ 07/07/2003 02:17 PM EST


very entertaining article matt! best one i've read in months, you should try to do ones like this more often.

Chestnuts roasted by pupitre @ 07/07/2003 02:56 PM EST


Damned disturbing.
What the hell happened to our nation's ice cream men? I live in an area that routinely reaches 120 freaking degrees in the shade, and have yet to see a single ice cream purveyor this summer. I'm being deprived of Hulk flavored lemonade shaped confections!
As a public service, I spent my Independence Day taking photographs of fireworks for the poor souls who were cheated out of their God given right to watch explosives. Enjoy: http://www.angelfire.com/jazz/space_cowboy/july.html

Chestnuts roasted by squee4242 @ 07/07/2003 03:25 PM EST


Hey, everybody. Got a few e-mails about the shirt. I still need more interest to get those Photog t-shirts going. I love Spongebob Squarepants with the Satanic bleeding eyes. It's great. Anyone who wants the shirts drop me a line. bansheex@hotmail.com Especially you Matt. PLEASE DON'T LET THIS DIE!

Chestnuts roasted by Bansheex @ 07/07/2003 04:35 PM EST


Fuck Mac and Me

Chestnuts roasted by Don Vito Corleone @ 07/07/2003 04:50 PM EST


Now that's not very nice. Time out for you. Fuck Nukie is what you should say. right?

Chestnuts roasted by Bansheex @ 07/07/2003 05:22 PM EST


That article was ridiculously funny.

Of course my humor is twisted from working in an ice cream booth selling those all day. I was just overjoyed to see those things die so painfully.

Chestnuts roasted by George @ 07/07/2003 05:23 PM EST


Mac and Me wasn't even entertaining. Not even in the bad way.

Chestnuts roasted by Ubu Rex @ 07/07/2003 08:46 PM EST


Mac and Me is very entertaining in its audacity of using McDonald's and Coca-Cola promotions; while hiding behind the casting of an actual handicapped kid, from a Ronald McDonald House, in the lead role of a blatant E.T. rip-off. The dance scene in the McDonald's proved that no one working on the movie seemed to care that it was way too close to an actual commercial for the fast food restaurant. The movie was made for X-E readers.

I am still waiting for Burger King to bring back the actual Burger King in a straight-to-video feature.

Chestnuts roasted by Michael @ 07/07/2003 09:10 PM EST


Matt, don't know if you've seen them yet, but I stopped by Sam's Club tonight to buy a barrel of pens and a cubic ton of tuna fish, and saw the Hulk Talking Mask/Hulk Hands combo set! Almost bought one, then remembered I'm almost 30 f'in years old and came back to my senses.

Chestnuts roasted by Hellpop! @ 07/07/2003 09:37 PM EST


Well, Spongebob might have beaten Hulk in this particular contest, but there's still one area where Hulk clearly has the advantage: http://www.thesun.co.uk//article/0,,2-2003310256,00.html

Chestnuts roasted by Hellpop! @ 07/07/2003 11:27 PM EST


Damn, just noticed Draven beat me to posting that link.

Chestnuts roasted by Hellpop! @ 07/07/2003 11:29 PM EST


That was amaaaaazing.
(Made me think of us po' winners of the photog....wait. Never you mind. I forgot. There is no second place.)

(so sad....no one will get to see my Photog cartoony fun.)

Chestnuts roasted by Child-Like Mentality @ 07/08/2003 07:43 AM EST


Yeah. I was well aware of the reflection thing with Spongebob, so I was cheering him on from the start. But when Matt mentioned he had really bumpy sides, I was a little concerned. Nevertheless, he still won. And how.
The ice cream man in this area goes about 35 mph down the street. I'm not joking, either. If you want ice cream, you have to be standing street-side with your $2.50 in your hand, jumping up and down while shouting to get it. I haven't been ambitious enough to try it yet, but after reading this article I might have to start digging for loose change.

Chestnuts roasted by William @ 07/08/2003 10:05 AM EST


No, I meant fuck Mac and Me.

Chestnuts roasted by Michael Corleone @ 07/08/2003 12:13 PM EST


You mean have sex with Mac and yourself, or what? I don't get it. And we don't need that potty mouth. Watch what the fuck you say. There are melting popsiciles in the article. By the by, I bought a Spongebob thingimijig today, and couldn't stop thinking about X-E. Then I sucked his eyes out. Very satifying. I wonder how long it takes Photog to melt?

Chestnuts roasted by Bansheex @ 07/08/2003 08:16 PM EST


Has anyone else seen the inflatable Hulk muscles, they would go great with the hulk hands. Too bad you have to be 8 or a midget to where them.

Chestnuts roasted by Patrick N @ 07/09/2003 02:17 AM EST


After reading that today, I was at a 7-11 and got a Wolverine icy pop. He had 2 yellow gumballs for eyes, which didnt really go with his purple hair. He was cherry, and far too drippy.

Chestnuts roasted by Satch @ 07/09/2003 07:22 AM EST


I don't know if anyone's reading down here anymore, but the inflatable Hulk muscles are nothing new. I remember as a kid (and it's my birthday today:) they had something like that. It was still Hulk, but I think it only "pumped up" your chest.

I would also think the "Hulk Hands" would be theraputic. Huge foam hands that you can pound the wall with when your angry, and if your the quiet type will even do the yelling for you? I'm thinking about getting one of these things. :D

Chestnuts roasted by ShadowWing the Technorganic Autobot @ 07/13/2003 12:41 PM EST


After readign this article, I have no choice but report Matt to the American Society for the Sessation of Ice Cream Kruelty (ASSPICK).

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