Well, the commercials page pushed the site to 90 gigs yesterday, which is, you know, a lot. Definitely brought in a number of new visitors though, so it's all good. I've started to go through my unmarked tapes to make s'more encodes, and Christ, I'm finding some wacky shit. FYI: Stephen King once did a commercial for American Express, complete with close-ups of his very own credit card in a candlelit dungeon. More will be added soon. For those who've been requesting specific commercials, the problem is that they're all buried on a series of around 25 videocassettes. In time you'll probably see 'em up, but there's no way I can search through for specifics. I hope this doesn't cause suicide.
REPLIES: 48 comments
It won't cause any suicide for me. I'm the guy who keeps requesting the Bubble-Eez bubble gum commercial, but I can be patient. I have waited for many years already, so waiting is nothing new for me.
I just hope that somewhere, on one of those tapes, you eventually come across that commercial.
Even if you don't, I think that it is great to see these old ads. That Encyclopedia Britannica kid cracks me up every time.
Chestnuts roasted by Chaos Mage @ 05/29/2003 09:39 AM EST
Any chance of a review for the old Scholastic book catalogs that I remember from elementry school? There were other companies with similar catalogs that we would also got in school. I think you would have a few weeks to decide then another month to get the stuff through the school.
Chestnuts roasted by Richard @ 05/29/2003 10:57 AM EST
I do plan to review the Troll Book Club soon, sort of the same thing. :)
Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 05/29/2003 10:58 AM EST
Ah, yes, Johnson Smith. How could I have forgoten them? Grade A article, Matt!
Chestnuts roasted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 05/29/2003 11:02 AM EST
my favorite part was the fan blowing you if you were made of plastic bags.
great article!
Chestnuts roasted by chad @ 05/29/2003 11:47 AM EST
My mother -- who obviously has a greater sense of humour and more highly developed capacity for prescience than I ever realized -- is obviously doing spring cleaning because I got an old whoopie cushion in the mail today. *sigh* Wish it'd been x-ray specs.
I remember the excitement of coming back from the horror that was gym class to find the Scholastic book catalogue on our desks. Besides the real books I also got some cool sticker/activity/photo books about things like movie monsters and stuff. I didn't realize that they made those catalogues available to kids in the US.
Chestnuts roasted by Molten @ 05/29/2003 11:49 AM EST
YAY! THE TROLL BOOK CLUB! Matt you are the most bestest web man ever created.
Chestnuts roasted by wack0 @ 05/29/2003 12:44 PM EST
great article matt.
sadly johnson only delivers it's blissfuly sweet catalogs in the US of A, and not to the CANAD of A. :(
Chestnuts roasted by tripwood @ 05/29/2003 01:09 PM EST
Another odd request might be for you to time travel back and examine that ancient period known as Grunge. You might have younger readers who missed out on those great whiney songs from greasey kids in plaid shirts. Remember the classic films like Reality Bites, Singles, Airheads, and Empire Records.
Chestnuts roasted by Richard @ 05/29/2003 01:13 PM EST
yea! i ordered a magazine filled with junk i probably won't order! Unless they still have that fake human poop. Thanks mr. matt!
I got glow in the dark shoelaces from one of those troll book club or scholastic thing once. They never stayed tied.
Matt, when are you going to announce or post the entries for the art contest?
Chestnuts roasted by kennef @ 05/29/2003 01:33 PM EST
"Or you could get both, tie them together, and create the ultimate force in magnetism. I don't know what benefits you'd reap from doing that".
If I recall my physics correctly, adding magnets together actually would increase the amount of magnetic force generated. So for a mere $6 (plus S&H) you could lift 200lbs! Imagine what a neighborhood of kids who pooled all of their allowances together could do if they spent it all on megamagnets? Unstoppable. Imagine that new bank card you ordered being on the same truck as 20 super magnets. Unuseable. Hopefully they get replaced for free.
I also thought the snake ad was stranger than you give it credit for--it's supposed to be "giant", but it's only 3 ft. long. Nothing scarier than a...garter snake. At least, according to the ad.
Finally, I'm assuming this wasn't the big news you mentioned previously. So are we going to get a hint or not? The anticipation is killing me.
Chestnuts roasted by Sean @ 05/29/2003 02:08 PM EST
We're dying, Matt! But great article, all the same.
Those book club things were my lifeblood back in junior high and and elementary school. Heck, we still get 'em in high school, and they're STILL my lifeblood. I once bought like 10 or so items out of one order, it was mad! The only items I can remember from the stack, though, were a copy of The Authorative Calivn and Hobbes and a Pokemon handbook. Actually, said handbook is right by me at this moment, and it looks a little worse for the wear. It looks kinda cute cuddled up next to my good copy of the third Harry Potter book...
And I'm pondering all this while a Christian music commercial is on TV. Well, I guess WE know who's goin' down...
Chestnuts roasted by Freezair @ 05/29/2003 02:45 PM EST
Ah yes, the good ol' Book Club, how could I forget that? I always looked forward to that, because I would always get comic books, like Garfield and Calvin and Hobbes, never any real books. Although once the teacher realized thats all most of us did, she made us get one real book, for reading time. Grrr!
As for the X-Ray Glasses, I bought them too because I thought they were indeed the real deal, and of course, they werent. The damn hand buzzer too, never really shocked anybody like the Joker did, all it did was make a buzzing noise.
And they bitch and moan at big drug and tobacco targeting young kids?! How about some Truth Ads against the Johnson Smith Company and thier many clones!? Fact: The Fly in the Middle of the Fake Ice Cube is, like the Ice Cube, Fake. These kids these days need to know they will only get cheated in the end.
Something I learned oh too late...
*Dramatic Pause*
...whatever that was.
Chestnuts roasted by Travie Yak @ 05/29/2003 03:17 PM EST
Wow. Reading that article has sparked many childhood memories that I had apparently supressed. The "1001 Free Things" book especially. I LOVED those things.
Great article!
And now I see that you are also writing an article on the Troll Book club?
That cinches it--Matt, you are truly an Internet god. ;)
Chestnuts roasted by Chaos Kitty @ 05/29/2003 03:40 PM EST
I actually ordered one of those "HANG IN THERE BABY!" posters with a cute widdle kitty on it from Troll. It was on my door all through grade and high school. I got ALL the chicks!
As my girlfriend (yes, she's real) has said "Guess what, that cat's dead now."
Chestnuts roasted by FantodFox @ 05/29/2003 03:41 PM EST
Good god, the toilet squirty lady's head is on backwards!
Chestnuts roasted by Sargasm @ 05/29/2003 05:10 PM EST
I make my own fake poop. Well, it's not really fake. But, it IS poop. I'll mail you some Matt. Would you please do an article on that?
Chestnuts roasted by Bansheex @ 05/29/2003 05:21 PM EST
BLASPHEMER!!!! Hypercolor T-shirts were in NO way responsible for hindering your sense of fashion! Those were the COOLEST shirts evar!! ...Until your mom put them in the dryer...and they didn't work anymore...and you cried...WAAAAAHHHHH!!!! ...and you're still crying. Damn you Mom, and you're knee-jerk belief that Hypercolor T-shirts can be carelessly thrown into the dryer like a mere mortal T-shirt, without MAGICAL color-change powers! Hypercolor T-shirts were teh cool, are teh cool, and will always be teh cool!
Um, sorry. I got a little emotional about that one, I apologize. I'll try not to use so many all caps phrases in the future. But anyways, I guess the point of this post is that I think you should do an article on Hypercolor T-shirts. Plastic dog shit can only take you so far, man. But a change in the way that the world thinks about the color of fabric? Well, that my friend, that is a revolution!
Viva la Resistance!
Chestnuts roasted by NutfuZ @ 05/29/2003 05:40 PM EST
Orange Gatorade Ice tastes like orange Pixie Stix.
Chestnuts roasted by ljcmmxm @ 05/29/2003 07:49 PM EST
He's EVERYWHERE!
Look! Johnson Smith has The HULK! Proving that Hulk mania is everywhere... a bobble-head that looks like it's constipated instead of angry. I don't really remember this company, although I think I remember the ads. I just love the fact that they had to have a section of "Useful Things". I never bought anything from them that I can remember, but I do share Matt's box fetish. I'm always happy to see a box in the mail, even if I know exactly what it is and I paid for it.
Also, those book club things were awesome. They were such a part of my childhood. They were an exciting, interesting thing to pour over, even if the books they offered were rather lackluster. The cartoon books were always fun.
Chestnuts roasted by Too Lazy to Pick a Name @ 05/29/2003 08:22 PM EST
The "Johnsmith Smith Company", eh? (first sentence)
Nice article, as always. It doesn't bring back childhood memories for me, what with me having grown up and still living somewhere completely different (i.e. Germany), but the subject matter is still interesting, and your writing makes it more so. :)
Chestnuts roasted by hnork @ 05/29/2003 08:28 PM EST
Ack! I gave that damn company my allowance on a regular basis! I couldn't even wait until a package arrived before ordering again, my box obsession was so terrible! I bought that safe and amazingly my sister (who avoided books like the plague, even obviously plastic books) was never the wiser and my allowance remained safe until the next time I could con my mother into mailing another order for me. Wow, long sentence. Anyway, love the site, brings back great memories, and keep up the good work!
Chestnuts roasted by tryptophan36 @ 05/29/2003 09:18 PM EST
what are hypercolour t-shirts?
Chestnuts roasted by it's all about me @ 05/29/2003 10:21 PM EST
I ALWAYS wanted some x-ray specs, I knew they would never work but I was still willing to risk it (never did get them) I guess the keyword in that as is "apparently." "Apparently see through clothes.. etc." :/
Chestnuts roasted by Toxicity- @ 05/29/2003 10:28 PM EST
Yeah Matt i've been requesting Toilet Duck if the name wasn't a dead giveaway.
Also the Gravedale High thing too
Chestnuts roasted by Toilet Duck Fan @ 05/29/2003 11:23 PM EST
Holy Shit i have a shit load of these damn these Stacked in my Room they were left by the people you lived in my house before me HOLY SHIT i think that really Far out
Chestnuts roasted by CheebaSmoker @ 05/29/2003 11:50 PM EST
MONKEY SHINES! that was the silliest movie EVER!
couldn't stop laughing when the evil monkey pops out of the guys back. whoa man...
Chestnuts roasted by evin @ 05/30/2003 12:28 AM EST
How could anyone that goes to this site not know what HYPERCOLOR shirts were? It was an amazing phenomenon where someone learned to harness the power of the SUN's PHOTONS to make the colour of your shirt change. It was like being the Zartan action figure, except it wasn't your skin, you didn't have a funky red hood or scary Lone Ranger mask, and bike punks didn't listen to you (just the opposite if you WERE wearing a hypercolor shirt, ironically enough).
Chestnuts roasted by Sean @ 05/30/2003 12:52 AM EST
About the only thing I ever got out of the Scouts was the stuff I ordered from the Johnson Smith ad that was always in the back of Boys' Life magazine. Probably explains a lot about me turning into the degenerate I turned into.
A catalog that's kinda like what the old Johnson Smith catalogs used to kinda be like (piling the 'kinda's up in case you actually check it out and can't see any similarity) is the catalog of Archie McPhee out of Seattle. Most of their wares are toys and general fun stuff, but they have some jokey stuff too. Go to www.archiemcphee.com and somewhere in there they have a thing where you can get a catalog sent to your house for free. If you like Johnson Smith, you'd probably like this too.
As for a commercial request, how 'bout "I've fallen...and I CAN'T GET UP!!"?
Chestnuts roasted by Mah Spoon's Too Big....! @ 05/30/2003 06:49 AM EST
that's www.mcphee.com
my bad.
Chestnuts roasted by d'oh @ 05/30/2003 06:55 AM EST
Archie McPhee is king. :) I've been in some of their old catalogs for contests and shit.
Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 05/30/2003 08:02 AM EST
Matt, you backspace with your ring finger? That's weird. I've been sitting here for the past five minutes trying to do it and I can't make mine stretch that far. Curiouser and curiouser...
Chestnuts roasted by Queen of Ill Repute @ 05/30/2003 08:16 AM EST
T-Troll Book Club? You're doing an article on the Troll Book Club thingies? I haven't been this excited since Ben and Jerry's Half Baked combined both cookie dough chunks -and- brownie chunks. It's an interesting commentary how dang easy it was for us to go into joy spasms when we were kids, isn't it? My whole day could be turned around by the prospect of ordering a sheet of 100 scratch n' sniff stickers. Can't wait!
Chestnuts roasted by snowcalico @ 05/30/2003 11:01 AM EST
This is one of those times I'd love to live in the US... They have "HOW TO TIME TRAVEL" BOOKS!!! That alone proves they take their job seriously!
Chestnuts roasted by Roddy @ 05/30/2003 12:00 PM EST
Two things.
1. I thought HyperColor shirts changed color due to body heat, such as touching the shirt with your hand, rather than being solar powered as was previously claimed.
2. I don't know if inflation has taken it's toll over the past 20 years, but all the Johnson Smith stuff on their website is incredibly expensive. And most of it is probably available for cheaper in the discount bin at your local Spencer's Gifts.
Chestnuts roasted by BaronVonHotPants @ 05/30/2003 02:12 PM EST
Someone who used to live in the house I'm typing from used to send out something like that. We still get the occasional letter asking for something. Even though he hasn't lived here in near 20 years.
Chestnuts roasted by Me and not You @ 05/30/2003 02:53 PM EST
Baron, you're correct - Hypercolor shirts changed usually by hand-applied heat. That's why many of the later editions had a handprint logo on 'em.
And yes, the classics were formerly sold at Spencer's, which is why I loved the place so much as a kid. Nowadays it's more of a fashion and bedroom accessory store for high school kids, which is where the money is, but nowhere near as fun for those of us who want springy snakes tucked in obviously-fake cans of peanut brittle.
Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 05/30/2003 02:58 PM EST
Did anyone else's hypercolor just change color around your pits? Cause I didn't like that feature so much.
"Hey, look, my pits are sweaty! In case you can't smell it, my shirt will vividly point it out to you!"
Mah Spoon's too big! Is that from "rejected"?
Chestnuts roasted by Ed Franklin @ 05/30/2003 03:39 PM EST
I just realized that I was wrong about the sunlight thing with the hypercolor shirts. They were body heat related. I was thinking of some other shirts that I saw for sale in Alaska (I really doubt that's the only place, though) that were photo sensitive. I was there only a couple of years ago, so it may be possible to still be a Zartan wannabe.
Chestnuts roasted by Sean @ 05/30/2003 03:54 PM EST
Since we're on the subject of the Johnson Smith company, maybe someone here will have the answer to a question that's plagued me for years about another itme that was a perennial comic book advertiser: What the bloody hell was Grit? I used to see those ads all the time about how you could sell Grit and earn fabulous prizes, but not once in my quarter century + on this planet have I actually seen an issue of it.
BTW, bizarro addendum to Johnson Smith...the guy who invented X-Ray specs and came up with the idea to market Sea Monkeys turned out to be a white supremacist nut who donated a large amount of his fortune (and he DID make a fortune off of Sea Monkeys, believe it or not) to Neo-Nazi groups.
Chestnuts roasted by Jeremy Henderson @ 05/30/2003 10:40 PM EST
I gots Hooded Cobra Commander!!! Just thought I'd mention it. I need a trenchcoat for him. For no apparent reason.
Chestnuts roasted by Onslaught Six (With Awesome-New Hooded Cobra Commander Figure) @ 05/31/2003 01:54 AM EST
Yes, "Mah spoon's too big!" is a reference to that "Rejected" cartoon. If you haven't seen it yet, do--15+ minutes of pure funny stick-figure cartoon stupidity.
Chestnuts roasted by Jon (dropping the facade) @ 05/31/2003 02:29 AM EST
Oh my freaking God, I remember looking at those things when I was a kid, but sadly, I never got to share in the prospect of being suckered into buying stuff that most likely only cost 5 cents or less to make. Oh well, c'est la vie.....:op....However, I do remember being highly intrigued by the shear volume of stuff that the Johnson Smith company was able to crank out at such an amazingly low price, and yet, my mom would never allow me to buy any of it. Such is life.....:op
Chestnuts roasted by GraphArtist @ 06/01/2003 12:38 PM EST
In the old Heritage comic books from the 1970s (a Montreal-based publisher that published French translations of Marvel, DC, Dell, Archie comics, etc. till the early 1990s, except for Archie comics, which they still publish in French for the Quebec market), there were a couple of mail-order ads à la Johnson Smith Company, but for NYC-based BIG 3 Dept. (whatever...).
Their ad for the x-ray glasses was more evocative than what johnson smith used: a geeky kid is gawking at a woman whose long underwear is visible under her dress. Next to that ad lies another one for the same company, selling a "complete private investigator" kit... The x-ray glasses sold for $1.50 while the P.I. kit sold for $3.95 plus 50 cents shipping (Canadian or US? No clue!).
Chestnuts roasted by Lady Jaye @ 06/01/2003 05:05 PM EST
I think the makers of that incredibly cheap sounding Secret Book Safe were more clever than we've given them credit for. Obviously, given that the fake book was entitled Book, the creators were well aware that at some point in the future Whoopi Goldberg would write an autobiography of the same name, so the actual quality of the safe is irrelevant -- nobody'd go near the thing. Of course, you might argue that it didn't even look like a real book to begin with, but if there was even the slightest chance that Whoopi's more Personal Nuggets were contained within, would you take the risk and crack the thing open? Maybe you would, Matt -- but this site proves time and time again that you're far braver than I.
Chestnuts roasted by Wes @ 06/02/2003 11:13 AM EST
Great article but I ordered the catalog and it really sucked. There was only on page of 88 cent stuff and the rest was like over $20. I am not a happy camper.
Chestnuts roasted by Minkis @ 06/12/2003 08:43 PM EST
I get tons (Thats an understatement) of Scholastic & Troll Book Club Catalogs. My students love them, but myself find them lacking sometimes. I have a dual purpose for them though, pass them out or roll them up for some corpal punishment, =) lol j/k
Chestnuts roasted by Jenna @ 06/20/2003 03:57 AM EST
i just looked at their website hoping to be able to order a pair of x ray specs so i can stare at my friends sisters voluptuous behind and freak her out, but it appears that they dont sell them anymore. oh well
Chestnuts roasted by jer @ 06/20/2003 11:34 AM EST
Here's X-E's 
