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05/13/2003 Entry: "NUKIEEEEEEEEEEE..."

Well, the video store article ended off with a teaser for the upcoming review, and here it is. 'Nukie.' The story of two aliens, separated on Earth, who go about their adventures with snot covering their faces. Watch the magic unfold as Nukie and his brother, Miko, do everything from putting on fireworks shows to befriending talking monkeys and beyond. Bad beyond all human comprehension, 'Nukie' is quite possibly as extraterrestrial as its subject matter. The review includes a few video clips and an animated picture of Paul Reiser. I hate Nukie. Click here to read it! Click here for a picture of many potatoes!

REPLIES: 53 comments

YES! YES! YES! I thought it would be Nukie and it was!(The 1.9 on IMDB hint helped.)

Now that you've reviewed what looks like one of the worst movies ever(No way I'm finding out myself), can I make a recommendation for a film that's actually tolerable and laughably cheesy? The live-action Super Mario Bros. movie. It's a favorite of mine for cheese value alone, and I would love if you gave it a go.

Chestnuts roasted by Behonkiss @ 05/13/2003 11:10 PM EST

haha how would u think it'd b nukie who's even heard of nukie before???

nukie?? what tha hell is a nukie.

sprite remix sucks mayne

yo when u gonna review the teenage mutant ninja turt movie or did u already, don't remember seein it.

Chestnuts roasted by photocdclub.com @ 05/13/2003 11:15 PM EST

Matt,
You understand now that you by all means have to review "Mac and Me"?

Chestnuts roasted by Squid @ 05/13/2003 11:19 PM EST

i want an article on j lo's booty, the burbs starring tom hanks and corey feldman, an article on the two corey's (u may have already done that), an article on 'license to drive' or 'adventures in babysitting' and this kelly hu chick who's like 35 years old but i ain't never heard of yet she fine as hell (still?) when did older chicks start gettin so hot.

Chestnuts roasted by photocdclub.com @ 05/13/2003 11:24 PM EST

God, I haven't seen 'Mac & Me' in years. That's definitely on-deck for some point. I'm sitting on two movies that should be hit reviews, one in particular since it's so often requested. I don't know why I'm so cryptic about the movies I own.

Corey will be returning to the site soon enough. :D

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 05/13/2003 11:28 PM EST

Movies Matt Must Review: Animalypics, The SMB movie, Perhaps the Nightmare Before Christmas...

Chestnuts roasted by Freezair @ 05/13/2003 11:34 PM EST

Ah yes...Nukie. I picked this one up for $.99 on ebay after reading SomethingAwful's review of it several months ago. UNWATCHABLE. Like you (and SA) mention, it's impossible to watch in any form, even with friends.

Why did some members of the African tribe have Ray-Bans? How was Miko able to telepathically talk to the African boys from his "prison"? Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the tagline for this movie "If you don't know what to do, look to the stars and wish; if it's a good wish, the stars will hear you and it will happen"? If that's the case, why did it take so long for everything to magically fix itself? It sure seemed like Nukie was whining to the stars anytime he was on camera. Isn't that a misleading (and wordy) message to be giving to young kids anyways? The credits never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever end for this movie.

Chestnuts roasted by Justin @ 05/13/2003 11:41 PM EST

I know this belongs in the previous Blog, but let's be honest, if something needs to be seen, it needs to be in the current topic.

They found a way to make your favourite drink from Canada even scarier, Matt. Now you can get Clamato, THE WORKS. Not only do you get refreshing tomato juice with a delicious hint of shellfish urine, but they have added HORSERADISH. I swear, that entire company is based on bets and dares ("I dare you to put seafood in your fruit juice." "Oh yeah? I bet we can sell more if we make it taste like hot relish.")

I don't think even vodka will save this one.

Chestnuts roasted by Sean @ 05/13/2003 11:48 PM EST

when mac and me came out, i won some local contest to see a screening and i got a free movie poster and t shirt. god i must have been 6 or so, i just remember the poster scared the hell out of me.

Chestnuts roasted by satas @ 05/14/2003 12:02 AM EST

Ohhh Matt! I'm shocked! You would review one of the few horrible obscure movies that I've actually seen! SA reviewed this one like ages ago, but you're right -- it's truly incredible.

I actually liked it. Enough to watch it again. Never bored me, which is more than I can say for most movies -- X2 included.

That's right. According to Wes: Nukie > X2.

Chestnuts roasted by Wes @ 05/14/2003 12:06 AM EST

Completly unrelated, but while I was shopping at the local grocery store, I decided to find as many Hulk things as I could.

First I came across Hulk Ice Pops, just like the ones Matt looked at, only in smaller packages that looked more Hulky. The store had no more room in the freezer section, so the pops were just sitting there, room temperture and Kool Aid-y.

The only other thing I found was those GLAD bags that might have Hulk movie tickets inside them. Also found that new Matrix Poweraid, which I had been looking for for some time.

Chestnuts roasted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 05/14/2003 12:27 AM EST

When you review Mac and Me just make sure you have the dance scene in McDonald's and a certain rolling off a cliff scene available for download. Nikki Cox is the lead kid dancer in McDonald's and another semi-famous redhead, Danny Cooksey (Different Strokes, Salute Your Shorts), is the kid in the car that hits Mac. Michael, Eric's older brother, was the oldest son from the first family Scott Baio lived with on Charles In Charge. Finally, my Mac and Me knowledge serves a purpose!

Chestnuts roasted by Michael @ 05/14/2003 12:27 AM EST

Ouch. Nukie looks truly painful. I think Mac and Me would be a great addition to the site. And I liked the SMB movie too. Not as much as I like Double Dragon, but its ok. I mean, its got a great cast! Box Hoskins, John Leguizamo, DENNIS HOPPER, how can one go wrong?

Chestnuts roasted by Tony @ 05/14/2003 01:21 AM EST

Hehehe. Yeah, Matt your review of this one and SA's review of it were pretty dead on about how awful this was. I swear to God I saw this one on HBO Family one time. Good tapdancing GOD was this one bad.

So I guess you could say I did it all for the Nukie.

Chestnuts roasted by Kev @ 05/14/2003 01:24 AM EST

i thought there was already a super mario bros movie review here? i could b hallucinating

Chestnuts roasted by photocdclub.com @ 05/14/2003 01:33 AM EST

Wow.

These movies all seem perfect for Mystery Science Theater 3000.

I appauld Matt and his courage to gut it out these pieces of celluoid crap. Kudos Matt. You should be awarded a medal of honor from the United States goverment for surviving these pieces of crap.

Which just begs the question, Matt: When are you going to review Plan 9 From Outer Space? Or Invasion of the Neptune Men? Or worst yet, Manos: The Hands of Fate? I wanna see THOSE reviews!

Chestnuts roasted by Steven @ 05/14/2003 02:06 AM EST

Plan 9 is virtually impossible to review, at least in the way I do it. :) There's only so much stupidity a person can recap. Actually, I was never too into the flick - I appreciate its historic value, but it's just as fun to see pictures from the movie than the movie itself.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 05/14/2003 02:10 AM EST

Matt-
Off-topic, but regardless: You ahve a huge following here at Humboldt State University, we anxiously await each and every post(well i do, my girlfriend just looks at me weird). Thanks for doing the FunDip Review, she loves that shit. Anyhoo any time you want to get smoked out drop by the west Coast!

Chestnuts roasted by Chris @ 05/14/2003 02:31 AM EST

Wow.
After being a big fan of the site almost from the beginning, I am finally moved to give feedback.
While I'm sure Nukie sucked collossal ass, that dance number and light show was one of the greatest things I've ever seen.
Oh, and Matt, for being such a big zoology buff (especially tigers), I'm disappointed in you. Surely you know that that is clearly a lion, not a tiger? In fact, there are no tigers whatsoever in Africa. Oh well. I'm sure it's Nukie's fault.

Chestnuts roasted by TheyMightBeHobbits @ 05/14/2003 03:16 AM EST

You know what you should review? Aguirre, the Wrath of God, which is this incredibly horrid German film which has an inexplicably high rating on IMDB. It's goddamn BORING. And there are monkeys...lots of monkeys at the end, but they don't talk. They might have made the movie slighty more tolerable if they'd talked at the end. God awful movie. But probably not the genre you'd care to see...it's from 1973.

Chestnuts roasted by Tortured from being forced to sit through this film @ 05/14/2003 03:45 AM EST

It's movies like these that make me glad that I only collect Disney animated films. That, and the Pok�mon movies. And DC Superheroes.

That's another video you should review. Challenge of the SuperFriends. It just came out, and assumedly celebrates the 25th anniversary of the concept in existence. The first episode of the tape is good enough for Matt's review. The Leigon of Doom brainwashes the SuperFriends to commit crimes in their sleep in order to get them out of the way so they can use the Justice Leage sattelite to transform all the earth into mindless slaves. So many improbabilities abound in this cartoon alone that I'd like to see Matt tear this classic cheese apart.

Funny thing is tho, For the last couple of times I've watched the DVD of this, I always fall asleep after the third episode.

Chestnuts roasted by Go Knock Jimmy Down @ 05/14/2003 06:09 AM EST

ok Ive seen nukie years ago, Ihad it repressed untill Matt unleashed it upon my concious. NOOOOOO

there are a pair of movies that are so bad I could not watch them... CATMAN! and CATMAN2!

Chestnuts roasted by gundam2000 @ 05/14/2003 08:03 AM EST

Mmmm: the haunting Torgo theme song. . .

Nukie looks like "Trumpy" from Pop People if he'd sliced his nose off and fashioned them into ears instead. Might explain the freely oozing snot.

Chestnuts roasted by Molten @ 05/14/2003 09:03 AM EST

TheyMightBeHobbits, take a closer look at this paragraph from the article.

The tribe twins are afraid of Nukie at first, since he's a scary alien covered in snot. If Nukie wants their help, he'll have to gain their trust. Fortunately, the opportunity to prove himself soon presents himself, as the boys are faced with an oncoming and hungry tiger. Actually, it's a lion, but let's pretend it's a tiger for no apparent reason.

Chestnuts roasted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 05/14/2003 09:15 AM EST

The review on Something Awful wasn't very flattering of Nukie either. Want an additional laugh? Go read theirs.. It compliments Matt's very nicely. Oh, BTW Matt... The article on the video store shenannigans was very entertaining, but try not to use black text on a dark grey background! :P Kthxbye!

Chestnuts roasted by Gunnm @ 05/14/2003 09:41 AM EST

Dark grey background? I actually made a background for that one. (it's parchment colored) Is it coming up for everyone else?

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 05/14/2003 09:48 AM EST

Mmmmm potatoes.

Chestnuts roasted by jjgoreha @ 05/14/2003 09:51 AM EST

The background I get is dark green with faint black cross-hatching. No parchment.

And damn the Paul Reiser.

Chestnuts roasted by Sean @ 05/14/2003 09:53 AM EST

It's parchment coloured on mine.

Chestnuts roasted by Molten @ 05/14/2003 10:08 AM EST

Since everyone seems to be requesting movies to be reviews, has anyone seen any of the Cyborg Cop series? Although sometimes it *has* to be intentional how bad it is, when a shot-gun explodes, and repeating his 'catchphrase' at every posible moment.
Another great thing about the first 2 is the hero has a Bum-Bag (fanny-pack) in every single scene. Not that he uses it, or anything. One thinks it may have been a dare.

Chestnuts roasted by Bogwood @ 05/14/2003 10:40 AM EST

I get parchment too.

Chestnuts roasted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 05/14/2003 10:40 AM EST

Nukie est un Teletubby n� d'une m�re de alcholic et tremp� dans un vat d'acide.

Chestnuts roasted by msa @ 05/14/2003 10:50 AM EST

You said it, msa.

Chestnuts roasted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 05/14/2003 10:56 AM EST

you can count on me
no matter what you do
you can count on me
no matter where you go

A theme song with a laugh track built in.... the my two dads theme song

Chestnuts roasted by chad @ 05/14/2003 11:17 AM EST

Hey Matt do you mean Corey Haim is coming back to X-E??? It is probally Demolition High. I just watched it last night, boy is it cheesey but good. Right up you alley! Keep up the good work.

Chestnuts roasted by The Toxic Avenger @ 05/14/2003 12:34 PM EST

Nukie is just one more reason for me not to believe in a god...

Chestnuts roasted by Doc @ 05/14/2003 01:39 PM EST

I think I vaguely remember watching this movie. Or, I could just be thinking of Mac & Me. The name of that movie was driving me nuts the whole time I was reading through the Nukie review. Ok, 2 more things. First, I watched My Two Dads when it was on, but I didn't realize until your evil .gif that Paul Reiser was one of the two dads. Second, since everybody's putting in their 2 cents worth on movie reviews, how about Robocop or The Lost Boys. These are both movies that I thought were super awesome when I was 10, but they're just putridly cheesy when I watch them now. Plus, Red from That 70s Show is the main bad guy in Robocop, and I think he calls somebody dumbass!

Peace!

Chestnuts roasted by NutfuZ @ 05/14/2003 01:50 PM EST

My bad.
I could have sworn that sentance wasn't there before. Either that, or I'm just stoopind and illitterut. Like I said, it's all Nukie's fault.

Chestnuts roasted by TheyMightBeHobbits @ 05/14/2003 02:55 PM EST

I've been waiting for this one ever since SA's treatment of it. I thought theirs was one of the funniest things I've ever read, but they've been trumped now.
Off topic:
I've always hated people who flaunt their illicit activities like their boy scout badges to look cool. HOWEVER, I have noticed a smattering of comments in the blog recently alluding to *gasp* recreational use of marijuana. To my fellow tokers, I salute you. Am I the only one who's noticed that all of a sudden, it's total social suicide to admit that you smoke? It's like people are actually taking PSAs seriously now. (Pot will make you shoot your friends, get date raped and end up pregnant! And you're a terrorist!) Thanks a lot, Bush administration. Hell, even Snoop Dogg quit. Who will we look up to now?

Chestnuts roasted by pass the dutchie on the left hand side @ 05/14/2003 03:51 PM EST

God, the redhead from Salute your Shorts is haunting me!! He's been in the last two blog entries...he's even going to start haunting my dreams. Ah, Buttnik, how do I love thee.

How about Flight of the Navigator?

Chestnuts roasted by Queen of Ill Repute @ 05/14/2003 04:26 PM EST

Hah hah, Nukie. That movie was so bad.

Matt, you should review the Batman the Movie. That was so full of plot holes, It's great.

And the SMB movie. It was just so cheesy, and made so little sense.

There are countless others, but those I'd like to see. Nukie. God, tht sucked. BTW, does anybody have the movie digitilized, and available on Kazaa Lite? Because I'd like to see it again.

Chestnuts roasted by Saf @ 05/14/2003 04:28 PM EST

Wasn't one of the Corey's in Rock N Roll High School Forever wearing Michael Hutchence's hair? This movie warrants a review...if you can find it.

Chestnuts roasted by Nemesis @ 05/14/2003 05:00 PM EST

There are few times I'm glad not everything from he US gets to Brazil. Discovering the existence of Nukie was one...

And I feel ripped off, Matt. You totally forgot to mention that after the weird crazy dance, Nukie shoots some powder-smoke-light thing on the nudies and they fall asleep. Now THAT is a bad example for kids everywhere: snot-covered aliens can get you hammered!

Chestnuts roasted by Roddy @ 05/14/2003 05:36 PM EST

I never saw the whole Nukie movie, but I just watched the clips Matt provided. My brain threatened to have an aneurysm if I ever watch those clips again, so I guess seeing the movie is out of the question.

Chestnuts roasted by Scott M. @ 05/14/2003 07:07 PM EST

ok, I must put my 2 cents in on the most horrible movie to review.

"Going Overboard" starring adam sandler circa whogivesashit.

I "left" my copy at a friends house to get rid of it. He in turn "left" it in his sisters room when he moved.

I think it's still sitting on a shelf because no on wants to even TOUCH the damned thing.

Chestnuts roasted by Smalls @ 05/15/2003 04:24 AM EST

Just a quick note to say thank you for teh tease of Greg Evigan you included in that review Matt.

Chestnuts roasted by Junior @ 05/15/2003 07:33 AM EST

everyone else is suggesting movie reviews so I'll follow the leader too. Green Mail is the best movie ever...snow globes and bombs were never so hell-arious.

Chestnuts roasted by kennef @ 05/15/2003 04:35 PM EST

I loved the Burbs, so I don't know if that's up the "X-E Movie Review" alley, but Mom and Dad Save the World is the worst damn movie I've ever seen...review THAT.

Chestnuts roasted by Teddy Ray @ 05/15/2003 05:43 PM EST

Chris, you said: "Off-topic, but regardless: You ahve a huge following here at Humboldt State University"

I'm transfering up there for Fall 2003 from San Diego. I like the school besides, but having a sizable XE following seems to bode all the better for it.

There are a million movies I hope Matt gets to... I'm just glad he's prolific these days, instead of the XE Recession of 2001-2.

So when will you first article be up with Deleware Weekly?

Chestnuts roasted by BeatPoet @ 05/16/2003 06:41 AM EST

It's already begun, last Saturday. The rotation from here on out is Weds-Fri-Sat. So if you get the paper, they'll be one in there today.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 05/16/2003 10:33 AM EST

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