There's an article on deck for tomorrow about stupid bootleg pro-wrestling toys, so stay tuned. For now, I want to tell you about the grand opening of a new flea market near where I live. Usually, the opening of flea markets isn't big news, but apparently, this time was a little different. Seems my new local flea market is a special flea market. Why else would all the big stars come out for the event?
The new flea market took the stead of a former department store in a lot around 25 minutes from me - a really suicidal position since ever store that's ever rented out space here has dissolved within a few months. The area is neither residential or commercial, it's just right there off the highway pretty much in the middle of nowhere. The only establishments in this lot which houses enough space for at least thirty retail stores are a Chuck E. Cheese and a closeout store, but those are such iconic pinpointed national treasures that not even a shitty location can stop 'em. I don't have high hopes for the new flea market - the rent must be huge for the amount of space they're taking up, and since they're primarily a weekends-only business, I'd bet money on one of the owners setting fire to his baby to collect on the insurance within a month or so.
That isn't to say it's not doing well so far - in fact, hundreds of people actually lined up outside the store for two hours before it opened, hoping to get first dibs on all the assorted low quality stereo equipment and chocolate-dipped pretzels so prominently offered. The cliental of a flea market is truly a window to the big ol' cultural melting pot. More accurately, it's a collection of the world's ugliest, rudest, most alien-esque people on the planet. I don't scare terribly easy but the mugs on some of these creatures made me recollect my very private dream of living alone in an unknown subterranean apartment where food was funneled to me through an intricate pipe system by relatives.
Not all the stores inside were open yet, with around half of the booths still covered by giant sheets of blue plastic. This didn't stop everyone from lifting the plastic to see what was underneath, and I was treated to seeing some guy getting screamed at because he lifted the tarp to find a half-naked Santa Claus preparing for 'Christmas Hour' with the kids. Santa always forgets to act jolly in flea markets. I think it's the overwhelming hybrid smell of Lysol and discarded baby diapers. Either way it was all pretty disgusting, and if the place didn't sell such nice cheap sweaters I may have just blown the place away myself.
In the advertisements, which were so loud and unreal that you would've thought they were promoting the second coming of Christ rather than a flea market, the owners boasted that their new fun spot had a cafeteria, so you could eat while you shop. Here's the cafeteria:
They just kept aside one of the booths and filled it with cheap tables and folding chairs, for use in conjunction with the flea market's pizza vendor. What a great cafeteria! I want to eat here every night! On top of the awesome pizza the scary old ape sells, you now have the opportunity to eat in front of 30,000 nosy passerby shoppers! What fun!
But hey...
They've got hematite rings! Buck fifty! Don't you know they're good luck? I didn't buy one, but for a slight moment, I had debated on stealing a ring. Then I realized that this would've been the stupidest thing to get caught shoplifting for. The way I see it, if you're gonna steal something from a store and risk suffering the indignity of being dragged backstage by some burly apes who were watching the surveillance monitors, it might as well be something cooler than a hematite ring. Too bad the flea market didn't sell talking sneakers shaped like lobsters. That'd be worth the risk.
The place was chock full of costumed characters to help make the experience a little more fun for kids. It was fun for me too - I got to see a guy in a helplessly obstructive Spongebob Squarepants costume accidentally stumble into every fourth or fifth person who walked into the place. Wreaking havoc with no audible way to apologize, the poor guy just handed balloons to everyone he knocked down.
When we got in the car to drive home, some old lady smashed her vehicle of doom into mine. She gave me this look, the kind of grimace that conveys so many emotions in a single expression - it was the kind of look where she was trying to silently explain that she was a feeble old bag who didn't know how to drive. There wasn't any damage to my car, so I just drove on off into the sunset, wondering why senility always seems to start with people forgetting how to hold a steering wheel. 10 and 2'o'clock position, stupid kraut.
REPLIES: 28 comments
Oh my god! Matt got into a car accident! He could have been killed! Thats it, the next old lady I see is getting stabbed in the eye!
Chestnuts roasted by Mike DeMarco @ 11/04/2002 12:31 AM EST
what exactly is hermatite, and why does it make good rings?
Chestnuts roasted by matt nas @ 11/04/2002 12:08 PM EST
i have the utmost respect for the guys that dress up in costumes to work at events like that. i wish that job paid more - then i'd do it.
Chestnuts roasted by Chris @ 11/04/2002 12:09 PM EST
WOW was that really suppose to be SpongeBob, I mean come on that looked more like a F'N box of matches with legs. And what is up with only one arm?
Chestnuts roasted by Issac johnston @ 11/04/2002 12:38 PM EST
Personally I would have just kicked that box of hematite rings across the floor by accident; or better yet, kicked it in front of Sponge Bob and let him wipe out over the box. Also, Matt, do you think I have a decent shot at Britney Spears?
Chestnuts roasted by Adam Ravoth @ 11/04/2002 03:18 PM EST
I never liked Spongebob...but every time the show is on, I feel strangely compelled to watch it. I cry myself to sleep every night because of this.
Chestnuts roasted by Voodoo Ben @ 11/04/2002 04:52 PM EST
Let's take out all the old people in the name of Matt!
Chestnuts roasted by Don Juan DeMarco (Mike's brother) @ 11/04/2002 05:19 PM EST
I personally think it's the same old ladsy everywhere, who uses her power cosmic to teleport and hit you causing no damage...or I've been sniffing the airplane glue again...either one.
Chestnuts roasted by Tom @ 11/04/2002 05:21 PM EST
I want to live in that cafeteria. With that darling Spongebob Squarepants. I guess either the owner made the costume out of scrap felt or it was the only way they couldn't get sued, if it looked nothing like him.
Ha ha.
Linda
Chestnuts roasted by Linda @ 11/04/2002 07:40 PM EST
Hematite is basically iron oxide.
It looks good, but hematite rings usually don't last very long. They break very very easily. I've probably gone through a dozen of them.
Chestnuts roasted by Link @ 11/04/2002 09:21 PM EST
Oh man! That has got to be the worst SpongeBob Squarepants costume of all time...I mean I've seen some cheap knock off suits before but man...they aint even trying anymore! A dwarf in a pimp costume would look more like SpongeBob I swear!
Chestnuts roasted by Miguel Hernandez S @ 11/04/2002 11:08 PM EST
Heh. We have had a flea market locally for over 20 years in one of those mill malls where almost nothing ever stays open for very long, cept for some institution stuff like the hair guy, the karate place, and the sports and collectibles shop that managed to expand up by "joining up" with the comics shop, which then had crappy business cuz the sports guys didn't know or care about the comics section, and thus had twice the store space with half the effort.
Flea markets suck though. Anything GOOD pretty much ends up on Ebay.
Chestnuts roasted by Bloodcat @ 11/05/2002 12:02 AM EST
tin man loves the site. its cooler than an ioce pop in your nose
Chestnuts roasted by tin man @ 11/05/2002 05:52 AM EST
Who is spongebob?
Chestnuts roasted by Vyle @ 11/05/2002 06:50 AM EST
Matt, you need to run down to the patents office right now. Lobster loafers are the future.
Chestnuts roasted by Per Arne @ 11/05/2002 10:00 AM EST
i used to work at a furniture store (*shudder*) that was adjoined to an abandoned mall turned flea market... the market sucked...
the only good thing that ever happened there was that one of the local radio stations had a booth set up there one weekend and i managed to scam a free copy of the high fidelity soundtrack (which i'm sure was supposed to be a prize for some sort of contest or game of skill) by just asking for it...
though i will admit the restaurant-ish area made some damn good schnitzel...
i want schnitzel now...
Chestnuts roasted by j. Funkbot @ 11/05/2002 11:26 AM EST
I think that clown and Spongebob are conspirators for Dr. Phil...
Chestnuts roasted by 1001 things to do with Febreeze @ 11/05/2002 12:59 PM EST
Why does "sponge bob" only have one arm and the other one is flipped up over his head. If that isn't freaky enough for a little kid to see......my gawd
Chestnuts roasted by Stelar Guy @ 11/05/2002 02:44 PM EST
I think that SS & clown would do serious mental damage to any kid that's already been dragged to the 5th plane of hell (the plane of flea markets and 3rd rate parking lot carnivals).
Matt, you should remarkable restraint in refraining from continuously knocking that SS clone over repeatedly.
Terrible thought, but, what if the old lady that hit you had just gotten off of her shift inside the SS costume?
Chestnuts roasted by XP Ranger @ 11/05/2002 03:33 PM EST
WTF
Chestnuts roasted by . @ 11/05/2002 10:26 PM EST
there were alot of nasty comments about the old lady in that article, one of the things i like about xe is that matt is really good natured at heart even when he says angry thingss...those comments dont seem to be in the spirit of things to me.
Chestnuts roasted by asruidet @ 11/07/2002 12:16 AM EST
My genitals are exceptionally bigger by reading that story. Sick!
Chestnuts roasted by danzilla @ 11/07/2002 08:25 AM EST
very odd, the day i read this the I also got hit by an old lady in a car, no damages so i just kept going, weird
Chestnuts roasted by chris @ 11/07/2002 06:41 PM EST
I think its funny that someone should mention good nature toward the elderly, just yesterday I called an old lady a slut in a whispered spiteful hiss as she walked by, I thought it might make her feel young again.
Chestnuts roasted by kmnn @ 11/08/2002 02:03 AM EST
Looking at those SS photos, I can't help but feel very drawn to his disturbingly large eyes that just seem to suck you in..."Yes... I will obey SpongeBob... SpongeBob is God... Yes master, I will buy your merchandise..."
Chestnuts roasted by Preacher @ 11/08/2002 03:44 AM EST
HAHAHA! That's the funniest, most shamefully ridiculous SpongeBob knock-off I've ever seen! Oh dear Zeus, that's funny...
Anyway, I work as a phone interviewer (the 7th plane of Hell), and I'm fairly sure that all the white-trash three-toothed yokels that I speak to on a regular basis were all there at the flea market... I share your pain, Matt. I share your pain...
By the way, you're not the only one who dreams of living all alone in the center of the Earth. I too have favored the idea on several occasions. Of course, I'm borderline manic-depressive, so...
Chestnuts roasted by The Mysterious Dr. X @ 11/08/2002 07:27 PM EST
My homemade haloween spongebob is better than that one, I took home NHS's coveted costume trophy. Go me, two years late.
Chestnuts roasted by Brrent @ 03/06/2004 10:20 PM EST
LMAO. It a good thing the flea market went out of business. MAtt is right about the area being in the middle of the high-way. There only about 10 stores : Chuckie cheese, Quizno, Odd-job , Modell and whatever there. It too bad there no Target or Wal-mart in that area. :(
Chestnuts roasted by Don salavtorta @ 06/26/2004 03:58 PM EST
