Happy SNT. Spending the evening stringing up lights where no lights should be, and ordering my clan of 400 nieces and nephews whatever nonsensical shit was most recently added to their wishlists. Pennsylvania Dutch eggnog, too. You?

To prove to naysayers that I’m still terminally with it, I’m now on Twitter. I say nothing of any interest there, and mainly use it to plug articles you’ve already read, but if you’re interested…yeeeaaah.

Got a new Christmassy survey: In the comments, talk about your weird holiday traditions.

Everyone strings up lights. Everyone decorates trees. Everybody exchanges presents. We know this. But what are some of the more peculiar traditions that make your holiday celebrations unique to you? What stupid, strange things must you do to make December feel complete?

I know one of mine. I’ve been writing about it for years. It’s time for my annual Chia Pet project!

A few years ago, I dedicated myself to making sure that no Christmas season came and went without growing a Chia Pet. The results were iffy. Last year, the saga continued, and the results were again iffy. It stands to reason that the third time will be the charm.

What do Chia Pets have to do with Christmas? Oh, please. They have everything to do with Christmas. Tagging with The Clapper to weasel its way into the pantheon of “easy gifts nobody wants,” Chia Pets are firmly situated as holiday classics. You’re never looking for them while you’re out shopping for presents, but they’re always there. They’re never a good idea, but they always seem like one. They’re one of the quintessential “misgifts” — presents given to and from people who really have no idea what the other person’s interests are.

On the other hand, is there anyone whose life wouldn’t be vastly improved by pottery that grows?

Obviously a rhetorical question. We all know the answer.

I chose the “turtle” Chia Pet for 2009, ostensibly because I like turtles, but really because it was the only version CVS had on sale. Given my previous mishaps while growing Chia Pets, I made sure to follow the directions exactly this time. No shortcuts. No assumptions. If this year’s Chia Pet doesn’t grow correctly, I’m suing and/or committing corporate arson.

Oh, and speaking of things ostensible: Click here to buy your own Chia Pet…obstensibly because I think you’ll enjoy it, but really because I’ll make 20 cents from Amazon if you buy anything after clicking that link. Honesty is the best policy, especially as it relates to anything Chia.

Another oddball holiday tradition of mine: Food that doubles as an art project. This Rice Krispies Treats “Snowman Kit” is simply a Christmasized version of that Halloween thing I reviewed last year. I found it in Toys “R” Us, which is kind of odd, and probably explains why it was the only one in the store. In a battered box, and located on the floor. Still rang up okay. I’m assuming it’s been poisoned. Will find out soon.

Put aside your misbegotten notions of Rice Krispies Treats, because making them is a process. From liquefying marshmallow goo to trying to coat 50,000 cereal bits with said goo, I made the kind of mess usually reserved for seven course dinner parties.

Skipping past the boring parts, your goal is to get the mixture into the included pan, leaving you with an enormous, snowman-shaped Rice Krispies Treat to decorate.

My snowman sucks, but he didn’t have to. My artistic vision only went as far as “I want to eat a giant Rice Krispies Treat,” so I can’t blame Kellogg’s for how horrible he looks.

The kit includes gobs of icing and, interestingly, a set of edible watercolors with which to paint your snowman to life. I totally did not expect painting to come into play, but it works as advertised.

That’s two oddball holiday traditions down. Now I just have to lap blood from a dying cat.

Surely I’m not the only one who spends the holiday season pilfering through — but never ordering from — the Harry and David catalog?

I’m guessing the company is best known for its “fruit of the month” deals, but during Christmastime, anyone on their mailing list is certain to receive no less than 500 glossy catalogs detailing their insane assortment of gourmet food baskets and fully-cooked turkeys. Even though we’ve all had enough experience with “gift basket food” to know that it sucks, they arrange and photograph everything so perfectly, you can’t help but feel that you’re missing out.

Course, the prices are a little, uh, elusive. That basket shown on the lower left costs 300 bucks. There are far cheaper and smaller baskets in the catalog, but if you’re going to roll the dice on a meal that comes in a basket through the mail, it may as well be the one that arrives with 86 species of cheese.

Have any of you placed Harry and David orders? If so, I demand reviews in the comments.

I’ve been tracking down all of this year’s new stocking stuffers…even though it’s a huge waste of money, because I will never look at this junk once I’m done writing about it. Which will be, oh, a few minutes from now. I guess I could donate this stuff to charity, but that sounds like it’d require walking.

First up, the Homedics Atom Massager — a stocking-sized version of Homedics’ larger and more expensive methods of mmaakkiinngg yyoouu ttaallkk lliikkee tthhiiss. The Atom Massagers come in red and green, and they’re sold alongside all of the candy canes at Target, so there’s no denying that they’re Christmas editions.

Looking like a cross between a Wall-E bootleg and a thermal detonator, you can press the topside button to release oodles of vibrating energy, set to a smallscale lights show, and sound effects not unlike those created by a Dustbuster. As a massager, it’s weak, but as a getaway ship for my tiny-sized E.T. figure, it’s miraculous.

And on the right, a Nintendogs Mini-Pup. I’m totally surprised to see that the Nintendogs line of plushies has lasted so long, with many toy stores still featuring dedicated Nintendogs sections after all this time. Like the alien robot testicle massager, this “Mini-Pup” was also sold in Target’s stocking stuffer section. I have no idea how they came up with a $5 price tag, because it’s the kind of doll you’d find in a ten-cent claw machine at the world’s most unkempt casino arcade.

Next up, Star Wars Holiday Bobbleheads, ready to add all kinds of geeky joy to your mantle full of tired snowglobes. I picked up Darth Vader and C-3P0. To keep the costs reasonable, these bobbleheads do away with the more typical resin ingredients, opting for a cheap plastic. Really though, they look no different than the pricier bobbleheads, and in fact, they’re less likely to crack in half when you inevitably drop them on the floor.

Finally, a series of Pokemon tree ornaments. I’m not going to tell you exactly how many I bought, but I’ll admit that it was at least two. The standard Christmas tree ball ornament is given a Pokeball spin, with different pocket monsters nesting comfortably inside. They’re cute, and if I’m deducing their construction correctly, I’ll be able to rip the Pokemon from their homes and use them as pencil toppers in the post-season.

Course, the arrival of a Bulbasaur tree ornament sets in motion my yearly debate as to when it’s acceptable to put up on Christmas tree. We only do live trees in this apartment, so the timing is critical. I’m thinking…right now?

Over the ground, there’s a mantle of white. Something something. Merry Christmas.

Indeed, X-E’s 2009 Christmas Season has begun! Is it wrong that I’m already depressed that it’ll be over in 25 days?

We’ve got our radio tuned to the all-Christmas station, and hints of gaudy, snowy baubles peppering the apartment like a growing infestation of magical holiday ants. Lots of cheap wine, too.

I’ve cleared as much of my work schedule as possible, which should leave ample time for pine scents (actual and fabricated), tinsel, and those awesome bags of all red-and-green peanut M&M’s. I’m stoked. Beyond stoked.

As for what’s in store for X-E this month: Hopefully a barrage of bullshit. 25 days isn’t a lot of time, especially considering that I gave Halloween almost two full months of coverage. Christmas deserves 5x more attention than Halloween, so I’ll do my best to ensure a steady flow of ho ho ho.

Remember to share stories about your own ongoing holiday celebrations in the comments section. Don’t worry about being trivial. Any person who can deal with X-Entertainment at this time of year is exactly the type of person who wants to read about total strangers drinking eggnog and ordering presents from Amazon.

The Advent Calendar has begun, too! Vegas odds strongly favor me not finishing it, because not all holiday traditions are good ones. But, Christmas is a time for miracles, so don’t count me out yet. PS, if you’re confused by today’s entry, I’d suspect that you missed the crazy June update to the 2008 Calendar.

Now, onto the true meat of the season: Overpriced happy junk!

Uncle Louis fans, today is your day: There’s a new pair of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation “Ultimate Collector’s Edition” DVDs out now, for both standard and Blu-ray players. (The Blu-ray edition costs about ten bucks more. I don’t have a Blu-ray player, but I bought that version anyway. You’ll learn why in a minute.)

You’re going to want this, and not just because it comes in a neat, Chevy-drenched tin. Trust me, Christmas Vacation fans would be buying these even if there were no DVDs inside.

It isn’t totally unusual for overpriced re-releases to come with some kind of freebie, but this one comes with EIGHT of them. And they’re incredible! Suffice to say, I would’ve bought everything in this tin separately at full retail.

Your Christmas bonuses will include:

• Four Christmas Vacation drink coasters, including one that’s Aunt Bethany-themed. The fact that I now own an Aunt Bethany-themed anything is enough to ensure that the 2009 Christmas season has nowhere to go but down.
• An “I Survived a Griswold Family Christmas” button, complete with Wally World moose photo.
• A Wally World Santa cap, one size fits all. I’ll give you one guess where the hat is now. Give up?
• A package of “Instant Snow,” which works exactly like the kind I reviewed back in 2007. I cannot believe that my DVD came with instant snow. Cannot.

…and there’s one final collectible, but before I show it to you, I demand the same kind of tongue-flicking drumroll that Clark demanded from his hemorrhoid-having mother-in-law before the Great Christmas Light Faux Pas of 1989.

Oh, hell yes. It’s a miniature replica of those godlike MOOSE MUGS! While fringe entrepreneurs have made a small fortune selling the real deals, this cute, tiny, plastic version is officially licensed, and officially the most wonderful thing that I could ever potentially fit in my mouth.

Here’s the catch: The miniature moose mugs only come with the Blu-ray versions of the set. If you go for the Standard Ultimate Collector’s Edition, you’re not only entering a slippery slope of oxymora, but you’re depriving yourself of the greatest tiny glass ever. I’ve been slow to join the ranks of the Blu-ray army, but now I will, and I have a Barbie-scale novelty glass to thank. Click here to order yours.

Logically, we now jump from gimmicky DVDs to Play-Doh.

The folks at Play-Doh HQ always cook something up for the holidays, but this is one of their better efforts in recent years. The new Play-Doh “Gift Box” contains a few mini-tubs of you-know-what, along with a dozen molds and cutters to help turn your Play-Doh into nontoxic tributes to Christmas.

I could write endlessly (actually, I have) of my support for mixing classic gifts like Play-Doh into the pile of gifts that kids actually want for Christmas. Swat away the latest video games and technogizmos; this is the only time of year that these old faithfuls can truly shine. In the great book of metaphysical mathematics, one of the most undeniably proven equations is this: Christmas + Play-Doh = Purity. I’m not advising you to give your kid Play-Doh instead of a Zhu Zhu Pet. Just give them some Play-Doh with the stupid thing.

The box makes a big to-do about the inclusion of silver Play-Doh, as if its some rare artifact swiped from the soil of Jupiter’s third moon. Actually, they’ve had silver Play-Doh for years — I covered it back in 2006. I like it, but the glittery appearance makes me hesitant to eat it. I don’t see a point in Play-Doh if I can’t give into that private joy.

Welcome to Christmasland, everyone. Thanks for being here. \m/

Survey: Time to dust off one of our old favorites. In the comments, tell the world: What do you want for Christmas this year? No bullshit answers, please. Be materialistic and merry.

Hi guys — just dropping in quickly to scream HAPPY THANKSGIVING. Literally. Picture me screaming it. As you can see, the blog has been redressed for the holidays. As soon as the smoke settles and I sleep off the wine, it’ll be time for the reddest, greenest celebration on the entire virtual planet.

Is it Christmas yet?

Halloween decorations down by the end of the weekend. Then, happiness!