If you haven’t been keeping up with MM’s Star Wars LEGO Advent Calendar on YouTube…
Stay the course.
Today was a rough day. From the trivial to the crucial. I learned long ago that writing while preoccupied is rarely a good idea. On the other hand, Christmas is like, tomorrow, and I still have that big tub o’ holiday goodies to get through.
Think I’m gonna go for it. Just cut me some slack if I start writing about the nasty guy from the post office instead. He was so mean to me. All I’ve ever asked of anyone is kindness.
The picture might not say a thousand words, but it certainly says 35.
And two of them are really important:
It could mean so many things, but all of them are good. Excuse me for not knowing that there isn’t really a difference between tracking and delivery confirmation. In the time it took you to sigh, you could’ve just told me.
In this case, “Snowman Kit” refers to the bells and whistles that make snowmen snowmen. Let’s face it, not everyone has a spare hat. Almost nobody has coal. With this kit, you will no longer be forced to make snowmen with carrots and nothing else. Sing it from the rooftops, baby: Those days are over.
In return (and I admit, this is a steep price), you’ll need to forgo the cutesy “real life” hats and coal pieces, and get by on plastic facsimiles. If building a snowman is just about the most sincere thing a person can do, then yes, okay, mass-produced plastic stick arms seem like another reason for Charlie Brown to flip the fuck out. But so what? He’s never happy.
As you can see, it comes with a lot of parts. A lot. As the box boasted, “all you need is snow!”
Well, I don’t have any snow. Except for those two Snowball Blast Slurpees, leftover in my freezer. But those are for bigger dreams.
What do you do when you have a snowman kit, but no snow?
Do you wait for it to snow?
No. Not if Christmas is like, tomorrow.
I purchased two styrofoam balls, and only two, because styrofoam balls are apparently made out of finely crushed diamonds. The big one was ten bucks, and the smaller one half that.
Considering that the Snowman Kit itself was another ten bucks, it dawns on me that a distracted blog entry about a bunch of plastic shit, stuck into styrofoam balls, probably isn’t worth $25. I am being a filthy Americaaaaahhn.
My blank snowman canvas, held together with a skewer and balanced in a bowl better suited for delicious Cinnamon Chex, inspires me. This inspiration can’t be claimed as limitless; if it could, then I probably would’ve created something more interesting than the boring, everyday snowman illustrated on the box.
Today, I did not dare to be different.
I’m giving myself a pass, though. It was the instructions. Look how insane they are. It’s like the football coach blackboard strategy gag from all of those cartoons. The panels look like word puzzles. It’s not impossible to follow, but when you’re just sticking plastic eyes and arms into snow, you’ll amazed that you’re following anything at all.
Yeah, I get a pass. How often have you seen printed instructions on building snowmen? Try never. I know when I have something rare and precious. It’s that crumpled piece of paper.
Even with my phony snowman body segments being so much smaller than real ones, I didn’t have to cut many corners. What I did have to cut, unfortunately, were the snowman’s arms. They were far too long for a 13” snowman. Used scissors on those bitches. Hate the guy at the post office.
Everything else fit in just like it was supposed to. In many ways, this was so much nicer than working with real snow.
My hands didn’t hurt. Nothing was melting. Plus, truth be told, the sounds of plastic pegs stabbing through styrofoam are much more appealing than the sounds of plastic pegs stabbing through snow. Think Kit Kats, but giant and inedible.
There he is. He isn’t Mista Snowman, because I am such a letdown. He is, however, a snowman, and no oversized hat or severed arm can change that.
Go for yours, snow buddy. You tell them to put that in their pipes and smoke it. And then say “no your pipe not mine.” If people get grabby, don’t be afraid to stick ‘em. You’re pointy in three directions, Sam the Snowman.
Grade: F-. All because of the scarf. I hate it. It’s like one of those horrible handkerchiefs from a really cheap magic set. Sam looked better without it. Honestly, most people would.