Coke’s White Cans & The Snowball Blast Slurpee!

You’ve all heard about this drama surrounding Coca-Cola’s attempt to save polar bears, aye?

I’ll be honest: I’ve only digested the broad strokes. Why bother putting research into this, when my real goal is to just show off a new Slurpee?

From what I can gather, the story goes like this: Coke, in their continuing effort to make the world better for polar bears, has released special edition cans with cute polar bear graphics on them. I assume that there’s some monetary donation aspect to this, as I can’t imagine Coca-Cola calling bear-themed can graphics “charity” without one.

All well and good. The cans are adorable. The problem, some say, is that these cans of normal Coca-Cola look too much like cans of Diet Coke. The complaints were large and loud enough for Coca-Cola to halt production and do everything short of a full-scale recall. I guess people who are too stupid to read cans are the winners, but what about the losers? What about the polar bears?

Polar bears get mean when they’re caught in the middle. They’re no longer cute. Unless, by “caught in the middle,” you mean literally, as if two brave jerks surrounded a polar bear and threw a beach ball to one another, just out of its reach. Then they’re still cute, flopping their heads and paws around like that.

That’s one of the cans. It does bear a stronger resemblance to Diet Coke than normal Coke, but, you know, it still doesn’t say “diet” anywhere. I’d also imagine that some potential confusion may be disarmed by the 10’ “DRINK COCA-COLA & SAVE BEARS” banners peppering every location where it’s currently sold. This whole thing just makes me mad. Do I sound mad?

I’m sketchy on the details beyond this. I know Coca-Cola did something to make things right, but I’m not sure if it was merely a promise to stop making diet-looking non-diet cans in the future, or something more aggressive. It’d be interesting if retail chains were actually being told to remove them from store shelves. Stuff like that usually only happens when secret poison is involved.

Well, that’s almost ten paragraphs. It’s at least more than five paragraphs. Now I can Slurpee like a turkey. (Trademarked.)

Let’s say I’m a hunter, maybe a tiger, and Christmas bullshit is my prey. If so, the 7-Eleven holiday edition Slurpee is my version of a full-sized, peak-aged antelope. A tough catch, but so sweet when you don’t go home all bloody and regretful.

Finding one just makes me so happy. And I’m not even that wild for Slurpees. I feel like I’m more in the role of “inspector,” charged with making sure 7-Eleven follows proper protocol. I don’t think you have to love steak to be good at ensuring that who those serve it aren’t using rat poison. Do I sound mad?

The Sprite Snowball Blast Slurpee. /glow

Moving from Coke to Slurpees was no huge leap. The campaigns are intertwined, or the same, or however you’d convey it. It’s still tied to Coca-Cola, and it’s still all about polar bears. The real point to remember? You get a Slurpee based on snowballs out of it.

Pouring Slurpees while taking pictures is not easy. Don’t judge until you try.

It’s a good, Sprite-flavored Slurpee.

That’s the quote I want attributed to me in the next 7-Eleven Snowball Blast TV commercial. I hope they remember the hyphen between the “x” and the “e.”

I’m not even certain that we’re meant to eat it. Maybe we’re supposed to buy and safely transport enough Snowball Blast to build fantastical winter villages in our backyards. This is the kind of snow you only see in the movies. So sparkly, soft and fresh that it simply must be fake.

But this isn’t fake. It’s real. And it tastes like LYMON.

If so many car companies hadn’t beaten it into the ground, I’d nominate “Halo” for that next TV commercial.

I’m prone to exaggerations, but the photo’s right there. You can see it. You can see that this is amazing snow. Perfect in a way that few straws have experienced before. Only time can ruin it. But the same could be said for us all.

Augh. I want to shrink down to an inch. For once, it’s not out of shame. I want to squish and tumble all up in that snowy cup. My own private winter edition of Candy Land! All I’d need is a tiny chocolate crown, and one of those magic pretzels you eat when you want to grow big again.

My first Christmas-related Slurpee experience was during the 2007 season. Unfortunately, until today, it was also my last.

Only, not really. When I do these holiday countdowns, I always try to gather enough materials for more topics than I’ll ever have a chance to cover. It’s safer that way. If I run of out items to describe, I might have to start incorporating real thought into these entries. I respectfully pass.

That’s how it was last Christmas, anyway. December came, December went, and I still had an overflowing plastic tub filled with Santa junk, making me trip whenever I walked into the living room.

Of all the things I didn’t get to write about last year, only one truly bothered me. Mainly because I was wasting such a boss photo of a Slurpee in front of a Christmas tree:

Last year’s Christmas miracle was the Snow Fruit Slurpee, which I’m guessing was some kind of grapefruit deal? I don’t know, all of the 7-Elevens around here never had it in stock. Oh yeah, the pictures were up, but every time you consulted the flavors, there’d be something like “BAJA MAJA TUTTI COCO” where the Snow Fruit should’ve been.

Maybe that’s why I never bothered to cover it. That second photo clearly isn’t of a Snow Fruit Slurpee, but rather, a Wicked Apple Slurpee, leftover from the 2010 Halloween Countdown.

I guess I was going to say, “Sure, I couldn’t find the Snow Fruit Slurpee, but I’ve held onto this other one for three whole months, and that should be enough.”

But it wouldn’t have been enough.

I know that now.

OTHER UPDATES:
- I built a page to keep this year’s Christmas content in one happy place.
- Keep up with MM’s LEGO Star Wars Advent Calendar, on YouTube.

69 thoughts on “Coke’s White Cans & The Snowball Blast Slurpee!

  1. Jason

    It would be so awesome if there was a Madd Matt trck on the Christmas Jukebox. The videos are just getting better and better! :)

  2. Nicole

    Stuff like this makes me want to hole up in my apartment and never leave again.

    I always used to wonder why old people were so miserable when I was a cashier. I’m not even 30 yet and I can barely go to the store for milk without wanting to stab at least ten different people. When I multiply that by another 50 years, I totally understand. People are such stupid, stupid things.

    In other news, I did all my Christmas shopping on Amazon this year, go me! And I used your referal link, Matt, so while I would like to donate to you through Paypal this holiday season, please accept your 5-cent cut from Amazon instead. :)

  3. Church

    About the Coke can issue, I can understand why some folks thought it was Diet. I’ve worked most of my short career in advertising and color association is a huge part of marketing. People are creatures of habit and something as iconic as the red Coke can changed to white can throw people for a loop…it doesn’t mean people are stupid, most folks hate any type of change and their lives are so busy they actually depend on some things not changing and get irritated when they are.

    I agree, folks should read labels but a lot of times when we’re in a hurry we operate on assumptions and it results in crazy Coke can color madness (CCCCM for short).

    But anyway…what’s everyone wishing for this Christmas?

  4. Guise is a Video Sensation (not really)

    Rev, you’ll end with Elton John hair and then Phil Collins, is that really what you want?

  5. Rev. Bloody and Regretful 13

    Thank you, Church, but I was hoping for something more space-age, like a tornado in a hat that would whup my hair into something very elegant and make a class dame out of me for my high society meetings. I must be at the peak of fashion at all times, and I don’t know if you get that kind of effect from a Flowbee.

    Guise, I see what you’re trying to do. You want to rile me. You know how I feel about Phil Collins and you want to antagonize. Well that’s just fine. Someday you’ll meet a nice girl with the Chris DeBurgh coiffure and your heart will come thumping out of your chest in a big heart shape, like those cartoons.

  6. Guise is a Video Sensation (not really)

    De Burgh’s hair is no different than any two-pints-of-paintstripper-a-day hobo, it’s the cromagnon unibrow and smugness that sets him apart from other people – and indeed civilised society.

    No doubt after my heart cones out, so will my liver, kidneys, corneas and anything else the troll-like De Burghette chooses to harvest.

  7. Cameron T.

    I don’t think we ever got the white cans here in Texas. But then, I don’t know for sure as I am a Dr Pepper fan.

    Church is right, though…it’s all about Marketing. Branding is a huge part of advertising and brand recognition goes a long way to selling your products. Seems like Coke didn’t do much market research before bringing out the white cans.

    Be honest, if you had one of these in your fridge right next to a diet coke, in the very back, and you’re reaching in there trying to grab the diet can, wouldn’t you be ticked if you couldn’t tell the two apart?

    I once got a bottle of Vanilla coke by mistake, actually. The labels look very similar and I wasn’t paying attention. Just went for the red. I would imagine that’s what most consumers do.

  8. Cheetara

    Church: Practical shit: Pyrex cook ware, a crock pot, and new work slacks

    Impractical: Dr. Girlfriend action figure, a whole slew of DVDs

    Something that Combines Practical and Impractical: a mantle clock that resembles Dali’s Persistence of Memory clocks

  9. Church

    Nice list, Cheetara. I wish my wife would provide a list like this…she is extremely hard to buy for!

    As far as DVDs for Christmas…I noticed a lot of folks on XE have big DVD/VHS collections and they’re always a big hit in the Christmas Fallout thread, but I haven’t bought one in months – maybe even a year or more. I just feel like the formats change so quickly I don’t want to start building a collection and then have to change in a few years. I just stick with the internet and Netflix/Hulu, etc. What does everyone else think?

  10. Brandon (brandmed)

    I finally found Christmas Crunch today! I like this year’s boxes. Anyone having trouble finding Cranberry Splash now? It came out early here this year (late September/early October) but it seems to have gone away early too, like when the crop of a certain vegetable comes in early-there’s none when it’s supposed to be in season. Two weeks ago, I found four 2-liter bottles at my local grocery store. I bought all of them and have 3 left that I’m saving for Christmas. Today I went back to the grocery store, Wal-Mart, the shady grocery store, and the even shadier grocery store where they have off-off-brands that they don’t even bother to take out of the shipping boxes. No Cranberry Splash at any of them. And none in any of the surrounding towns either.

  11. Cheetara

    Church: Most of the movies on my list are anime. When DVDs begin to be phased out, there are some I won’t part with simply because they’re signed by a celeb. Ever since I began attending Dragon*Con regularly, I’ve got a nice little collection of signed stuff.

  12. Annette

    Brandon, I saw Cranberry Splash in the stores for a very short time and now I can’t find it anywhere. This is the opposite of last year, where EVERYONE had tons of it in stock for at least three months.

    …Oh. This thread is old now. Crap.

  13. Amy

    Haha, it IS old. But I just saw/bought my first diet Cran Splash yesterday, at the more expensive grocery I never go to. My dad got me a giftcard and I couldn’t justify using it to pay more for regular food, so I bought the soda, Gingerbread Poptarts, Xmas Toaster Strudels, tubs of cookie dough, giant bags of regular and peppermint Hershey kisses, etc. $70 worth of fun junk food…yikes.

  14. Teddy Ray

    Somehow or another, the white Coke cans came up in conversation. My dad suddenly approached lividity (is that a word? it is now) and proceeded to rant about how he got the wrong can somewhere. This was just another cruel reminder that my parents are quickly becoming old people.

    …snowball (37?)… -Toxikfoxx

    Well done, sir.

    WFBuckly, you sound like one FUN dude.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>