Holiday Mallow Madness!

You have my personal guarantee. By the end of this post, you will be hungry enough to eat a Peruvian giant yellow leg centipede.

Fools. I’d like to see you try.

Here’s the situation.

Kraft has unleashed enough holiday marshmallows to make it clear that they’re seeking penance for mortal sins. It’s even better than the stunt they pulled during Halloween. No matter how hard Dracula tries, he’ll never be as comfortable in a pile of spongy candy as Santa Claus. This is why Vlad rhymes with sad.

I dare say that it didn’t really feel like Christmastime until tonight, when I set an hour aside for a psychopathic holiday mallow photo shoot. As Bruce warned me to watch out and avoid crying, there I was, practically enveloped by four metric tons of fun-shaped marshmallows. It was glorious. Had I been drinking sherry from a fancy glass, someone seriously should’ve painted me.

I found three distinctly Christmassy types of marshmallows, and best of all, Kraft listed goofy recipes for each on the backs of the bags. Hey, if they could go through the trouble of thinking those recipes up, the least I could do was melt a little butter and get my hands dirty. Dirtier.

So, yes, in addition to showing you the marshmallows, I’ll also demonstrate what you can make with them. I don’t mind telling you that I’ve never devoted so much of my day to marshmallows before. I feel like I have a career in marshmallows. It feels fat.

Jet Puffed Snowman Mallows: They’re said to be “French vanilla,” but they taste like regular marshmallows to me. Since regular marshmallows are vanilla flavored, we may conclude that “French,” in of itself, tastes like absolutely nothing.

But forgiveness is divine, and easy to give when your marshmallows look like tiny squid mantles. The snowmen come in a creamy white color, not so much “yellow” as just something eggshelly enough to not be plain boring white. The important thing is, they don’t look like pissed-on snowmen. Nothing could kill Christmas faster.

Consulting the many recipes on the bag, I chose the one that involved the least amount of effort. Let someone else make those hot cocoa cupcakes. I’m going with Chocolate-Coated Snowman Mallows.

Here, we’re instructed to dip Snowman Mallows in a cup of melted dipping chocolate.

“Dipping chocolate” is such a pleasure to melt, by the way. When you buy it, it’s a tub of giant chocolate chips. After a minute in the microwave, they merge into the most appetizing diarrhea since my cat spent a week eating nothing but flowers.

Smearing mallows with warm chocolate is, obviously, fantastic. (You could also let the things cool off in the fridge, for a crunchier treat that may very well be tasty enough to give you the good kind of aneurism.)

Plus, there’s that whole “French vanilla” thing. It’s probably meaningless, but it makes the marshmallows seem so much more sophisticated. Anytime you can mix gooey mallows with feelings of urbanity is, for lack of a more cosmopolitan term, funky awesome.

Gingerbread Mallows: Yeah, these will be the fan favorite. We all know it. People always lose it for things shaped like gingerbread men – even if those gingerbread men more closely resemble injured octopi. What’s with all the cephalopod tributes in these Kraft marshmallows? Is the company run by Mon Cals?

In smell and taste, they’re pretty gingerbreadish, only missing real gingerbread’s weird spiciness. The mallows have arms and legs, but no facial features. I think you can handle those. It’s why Lisa Frank invented scented markers.

One of the bag’s recipes dared me to pair marshmallows with pretzels, and because I am a proud man who never surrenders, here’s a bowl of Fireplace Munch Mix:

This includes: Gingerbread Mallows, pretzel sticks, popcorn, honey roasted peanuts and a dash of cinnamon. I can’t say I’m a fan, because in the eternal struggle between sweet and savory, I’ve shot more arrows on savory’s behalf than an archer on crystal.

In words you’d have to consider less: THIS NEEDS SALT.

At least it looks nice, even with all of that burnt popcorn. I nearly torched the apartment tonight, and all I did wrong was nuke the popcorn bag with the wrong side up. A mistake, yes, but if that’s all it takes to start a fire, Orville Redenbacher can stay the fuck dead.

Holiday Mallows: These have been around forever. I originally wrote about ‘em in 2003, and barely anything has changed. It’s nice to have a seasonal marshmallow that you can count on. Go for it, Kraft. Make that the Holiday Mallows’ official ad slogan. I know you’re reading. I keep getting hits from Dac.

You’ll probably prefer the Gingerbread Mallows, because things shaped like people are adorable. For me, Holiday Mallows will always be #1. They’re a tradition, and besides, they’re more colorful. They’re practically glowing. In this respect, they are not unlike Taningia danae, which is, of course, a bioluminescent deep sea squid.

Looking at the bag’s recipes, I skipped past the easy, boring ideas and went straight for the one that seemed the most extreme. Holiday Mallows deserved the effort. Prepare yourself for a neon feast of Holiday Crispy Squares!

They’re essentially Rice Krispies Treats, dyed green, with Holiday Mallows tacked on. I’m not sure if I used the right amount of food dye, as my snacks came out looking less “Christmas green” and more “Troll 2 prop food.” They still make me want three stomachs.

In the mood for that centipede, yet? If only they were cephalopods, I’d be ending on such a perfect note.

Since my perfect note is already blown, may as well remind you to keep up with MM’s LEGO Star Wars Advent Calendar, on YouTube.

85 thoughts on “Holiday Mallow Madness!

  1. Scott

    Maybe that’s were my holiday spirit is this year, I should make cookies or some blue RKT’s.

  2. Goob

    Harry is more talkative, acting more like himself. He said it feels like a mule kicked him in the stomach. He doesn’t want to use the pain killers too much. He is tired, from all the interruptions last night. I mostly watched videos online last night. Then slept off and on. They pumped him with a lot of saline, to get his fluids up. He is on an ice chip diet for at least a couple of days. They want to wait until they know his intestines are working better. So anyway just time. Waiting it out until he gets better. I help him eat his ice and I hold his hand.

  3. Mystie

    I made Krispy Treats with the gingerbread mallows last year and they turned out super sticky. I could barely cut them up and eat them.

    Now feel like baking. Anyone want to share some fun holiday cookie recipes with me? :)

  4. velouria_78

    Mystie, I subscribe to the 12 days of cookies newsletter from Food Network every year. I lust over the recipes and then am too lazy to ever make any of them. But it’s a nice place to go and daydream about cookies.

    Oreo truffles are insanely easy. I think it was even someone here who told me how to make them. I make half with peppermint Jo-Jo’s because they’re my fave x-mas thing ever. http://www.kraftrecipes.com/recipes/easy-oreo-truffles-95085.aspx.

    I also love this cake. Apparently, I can’t get enough peppermint. At the grocery store, it’s just me and a horde of 80-year-old women fighting over who gets the candy canes. And, I know how a lot of you feel about red velvet (in milk and in cake form) but you can’t deny how pretty this is, http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/red-velvet-peppermint-cake-10000000520449/

  5. kingklash

    Wowzers, Goob, that’s a heavy event right there. No worries, the ol’ Liver is a right nifty hunk of organ, as I’m sure the docs will tell you. As someone who has seen so many of my family laid up in the hospitals, it can be a fascinating experience. When my Pop passed, he was in a good hospital, and one that I had been to many times, going with Ma to see relatives. I was able to tell my sisters and Little Brother the quickest way to the parking, where the good vending machines were, and which elevator opens out near the cafeteria. Grim reasons for the knowledge, but good knowledge nonetheless. Good vibes for Harry, and you.

  6. Hulyen

    One of the BEST snacks I’ve ever accidentally invented is a regular sized (or larger) marshmallow cut in half, slathered with frosting with sprinkles on top. It is absolutely heavenly, and they look amazing as well!

  7. Tigirl

    I have to agree that the holiday mallows are the best. This is however unsurprising considering that I absolutely loathe gingerbread. Except for Greg, the most epic gingerbread man to ever be on the airways. And maybe the tart deliverer, cause he is just crazy in that way that makes me insane. Happy super belated Krimmus-Hannka-Kanza!

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