Kemps Holiday Ice Cream.

With only a month (!!!) left before Christmas, it seems I should get a move on if I’m gonna stand any chance of covering all of the holiday junk I bought.

So, for what seems like the 83rd time this week, let’s talk about ice cream.

Every suburb has its supermarkets. There’s the good one, the bad one, the familiar one, and even the exotic one that you only hear about by eavesdropping on gabbing commuters.

Then there’s the dilapidated one that you occasionally visit out of sheer loyalty. It’s the oldest landmark in town. It’s been there longer than you have. It’s dusty. It’s one of those supermarkets where you have to check every expiration date, even on stuff like bouillon cubes. Yet, you feel like the world will end if you don’t pay tribute to it at least once a year.

You know, I’m rereading that last paragraph, and I think I sound crazy. I hope I’m not alone in this supermarket guilt thing. I’m already alone in so much else.

For me, that reeking treasure is our nearest Pathmark. That’s where I found these holiday ice cream treats. Thank you, Pathmark. I hope they’re not from last Christmas.

Made by Kemps, there are two varieties available. The first, Frosty Trees, are shaped like Christmas trees and decorated with candy bits, which form what are either tree ornaments or a level from Centipede. The ice cream is mint flavored. “Dickless pistachio,” as the crass call it.

The more spirited variety is Winter Snowmen. This time, snowmen wearing devious expressions seek the illusion of warmth by way of strawberry ice cream scarves. These scarves are extremely fragile, and I’m not ashamed to admit that it took me four package-shreds to successfully free a Winter Snowman without breaking his neck.

EDIT: As someone pointed out, those are bow ties, not scarves. But we can pretend.

There are fairly gigantic discrepancies between the illustrations on the boxes and their real ice cream counterparts. In short, I feel gypped. The snowmen were supposed to look plump and gleeful, not like albino spies. And the trees shouldn’t look crouching trolls, callously trying to break into other trolls’ secret lairs.

Perhaps the biggest issue is that these obvious popsicles arrive without sticks. I have no idea how I’m supposed to eat them. There are no candy shells. There’s nothing to grab onto without making a mess.

“Just use the wrappers,” you say. Okay, but why did I pay a premium for ice cream shaped like snowmen, then? If I can’t see them, I may as well eat unshaped ice cream out of a boring tub. At least my fingers would feel less like the frozen lichen of Antarctica.

I wish “bitchin’ lichen” rhymed. It looks like it should.

“Put them in bowls,” you say. I say NO. My gripe falls apart as soon as bowls are introduced, I concede. What?

See? They’re so much better with popsicle sticks, even when they’re planted in buggy soil. That’s where the trolls who masquerade as trees go to mate. So disgusting.

There’s a lot we can take Kemps to task for, here. On the other hand, they’re still ice cream treats shaped like snowmen and Christmas trees. This illustrates why the world’s top corporate motivators always insist that we can succeed in failure.

I’m not going to give you a bad grade, Kemps. I’m going to give you a beautiful B+.

Tomorrow on X-E: My stance on abortion.

61 thoughts on “Kemps Holiday Ice Cream.

  1. The Manimal

    The only part of possible interest is was:
    I would like to modify yesterday’s post about the parade. RIGHT AFTER, I posted, E. Claire (age 6) came in and the parade turned great. Allie (4) couldn’t be coaxed back but a win for T-Giving after all.

  2. Terror Claws

    Good to see Manimal out and posting again. I spent the afternoon decorating the outdoor display – LED C9s around the house exterior, light up Santa, and light up wreath. So far so good.

    Went to Wal-Mart in the afternoon since I ran out of lights, wound up getting four boxes of lights, an extension cord and Princess Bride on Blu-Ray for $5. Kinda wish they didn’t crazy discount Blu-Rays, since now I know they can crank em out for next to nothing, I will never feel OK with spending over $13 for any Blu-Ray ever again.

    Way to go Hollywood.

  3. Matt Post author

    I love it when Manimal pops up. Also, fuck forks. Sporks, okay, but not forks. This is ice cream, not steak.

  4. Bill

    Eating ice cream with a fork gives me the willies. Kind of like when you accidentally bite the fork with your incisors. And knocking your inside ankles together while walking.
    Bleck!

  5. Ryane

    I want to know what happened to the Turkey Cake. :( I felt bad for him being in that aquarium, with bits of hamster bedding sticking to him. Then again, he was probably a lot safer in there. I know when I saw him I wanted to lick off all of his feathers. Ok, maybe not the red feathers, because red icing always tastes wonky. :\

  6. Hoverbored

    And so it begins… the music on the radio, the stuff in the stores… it’s Christmas time.

    My local Food 4 Less (Kroger for you East Coasters) is already out of Holiday Oreos. Perhaps some Xmas novelty music will help lighten the mood…

  7. Matt Post author

    @Ryane: Still in the tank. We’re opposed to tossing him. I don’t want that day to come.

  8. DJ D

    Amy and Bill: The chick in the Target commercials is Maria Bamford, one of my favorite comedians ever. I agree, her character in those commercials is pretty annoying, but I love her standup. She’s an absolute oddball. I posted this to my FB a while back, but I figured I’d link it here because she mentions Target in it (this was recorded long before she was ever in those commercials) and because the accent she uses in it reminds me of Amy. ;)

    Am I the only one who thinks that Winter Snowman up there looks a little diabolical? He looks like he just murdered the Frosty Tree.

    I just ate a very late dinner that was made up leftovers from Thanksgiving, which resulted in me getting choked on a piece of turkey. Something just didn’t go down the right way, and I coughed and coughed until I finally just gagged and nearly puked it all back up. I can only imagine that it was caused by the spirit of a long dead turkey, come back to take his revenge. Reminds of me of the famous last words of Captain Rhodes.

  9. Morgan Lewis

    I was going to give Kemps some praise for having the guts to use mint ice cream without any form of chocolate (I like mint, I like chocolate, I’m not so fond of mint chocolate) before remembering that several ice cream companies make peppermint “Candy Cane” ice cream in December. So Kemps, you don’t get any bonus points from me after all. Sorry.

  10. Greg the Canuckistanian

    Points to Matt for using a Centipede reference while reviewing Christmas Ice Cream! I don’t have any smaller grocery stores around town. The smaller ones have all been consumed by the two dueling factions of the grocery war here in Canada.

  11. DunkyBasketball

    I’m big on brand loyalty. Only Maxwell House coffee for me, and I better not catch someone bringing Pepsi into my house.

    Same goes for my grocery store. I only go to the same grocery store every time. The people I don’t understand are the ones who are loyal to a SPECIFIC CASHIER. I am not kidding: there are customers at my local grocery store who will only go to a specific cashier and only do their tradin’ on days when she is working.

  12. Rev. Lucky 13

    Bill, I just tried knocking my inside ankles together while walking, but no matter how I do it, I can’t get them to clack. Maybe it’s how my legs are shaped, I don’t know. I wanted to mutter an outraged “bleck!” and be like you.

    My efforts to be more like Bill always fail horribly.

    That cake is now a few days old. XE-Matt, please let him go to the cake graveyard now. His soul can’t be at peace if he’s still sitting around in an aquarium after his moment has passed. It’s not natural. I don’t want to see you become the Mrs. Havisham of Thanksgiving, and he’s going to look so depressing when he starts to collapse.

  13. drew do

    Matt: I can’t help but notice you said, “WE’RE opposed to tossing him.” I always wondered how much Ms. X is willing to tolerate for the good of the XE community. I guess if she’s attached to a TG cake “living” in a hamster aquarium she must be just as into it as we are :)

  14. ULTRAMAN

    How ya’ll been? I’ve had the longest week . I’m so happy that it’s finally Saturday. I can’t believe that it’s already Christmas time! Actually ,I take that back, yes I can. lol I didn’t go to black friday,because the crowds were HUGE! People were acting like complete animals too. No thanks. I’ll just do my shopping in December. Oh ,one more thing. Pepsi>Coke

  15. Brandon (brandmed)

    Like Manimal, I just posted on the Black Friday post/post purgatory. So, since I know y’all are just dying for updates on my life I’m going to post the non-Black Friday specific part here:

    To all who’ve seen The Muppets now, isn’t it great? I loved it so much. .

    My high school’s football team came from behind in the last minute of a playoff game last night to beat the number 1 ranked, undefeated team in the state last night. I was there and I lost my voice yelling (high school football is a big deal in South Georgia). This morning, I’m exhausted. I plan to finish decorating for Christmas (got my tree up Wednesday but haven’t had a chance to finish the rest of the apartment yet). Looking forward to all the college football rivalry games today, especially my alma mater Georgia playing Georgia Tech. Then tonight, I have a date to see the play of A Christmas Carol. Remember the woman I went out with the first time just before Halloween? The one who hated Halloween? Well, we’ve gone out a few more times. She loves Christmas so there’s hope.To all who’ve seen The Muppets now, isn’t it great? I loved it so much.

    Also, I want this Advent calendar so bad. If only it didn’t cost $220. Still, I’m just glad it’s finally something I could hypothetically really buy.

  16. JadeTora

    Popsicles without sticks seems fucking retarded. What are they thinking? Additionally, I know we can’t expect the product to actually look like what’s on the box art-wise because they’re going to unfairly touch it up but COME ON. Those are mutant abortions compared to what was on the damn box.

  17. Lucky Mesmer

    Rev. Lucky 13, I like banana Popsicles a lot too.
    Bunny, I was surprised there was no mention made about ice cream snowman looking like Mista Snowman.

  18. Rev. Lucky 13

    JadeTora is angry about the misleading box art and absence of sticks on the frozen novelty treats.

    I am very stimulated by this display of righteous anger, and I’m going to take it out on the big wooden man in my kitchen. When you hear from me next, I will be typing with busted up hands. I am doing my mean face now. RAAAH!

  19. The Manimal

    I’m usually around. I’m acutally going back and reading old articles this week to get caught up. Starting with Capt. America slurpee.
    I know this sounds stupid but I never thought 3 kids would be THIS much work. Today was a good example. Trying to get them all fed, dressed, etc. A symphony of chaos.

    On a more uplifiting note, we are decorating the tree right now and the X-E Jukebox is on in the background.
    :)

  20. ballardkringle

    It pains me to say this but I think these might be available at Wal-Mart. I remember getting these there a couple of years ago.

  21. Annette

    The “old” supermarkets in my area are Homeland (local chain) and IGA. The IGA looks dirty even when it’s clean, but otherwise it’s not a bad store. Homeland is fine, but everything there is marked up except meat and produce and occasionally you have to check the expiration date on dry goods. They carry odd stuff that Walmart and Target don’t have, so sometimes it’s fun to just go in there and see what weird stuff I can find.

    We also have a place called Buy 4 Less, but I’ve never been in there. I don’t trust those super-saver low-rent type grocery stores.

  22. drew do

    Annette: Agreed, we have 2 of those low rent types here. One is Save-on and the other is Aldi. Both look like an old Big Lots inside except it’s all food which makes it so much worse.

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