Spumonster.

Blah blah blah. Blah blah blah, blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah? Blah blah blah.

Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah, blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah.

Why do I feel compelled to review this in any natural way? It’s a limited edition Friendly’s “Spumoni Roll,” but you can see that. What am I supposed to add? It’s not like people won’t notice that the words were just disguising a Spumoni Roll picture gallery as an “article.”

Photo, two paragraphs, photo, two paragraphs. So many words and nothing really to them.

I refuse to do that today. I did it yesterday and I’ll do it tomorrow, but I won’t do it today. Not to the Spumoni Roll.

Its unabashed Christmas glee inspires me to use this site the way it should be used, without holding to archaic concepts that benefit no one, least of all Friendly’s cofounder Curtis Blake.

I wonder if he’s still alive?

That’s what I want to do.

It has to beat a normal review, right? It’s better for me, better for us all. X-E shouldn’t be a chore to construct, and it certainly shouldn’t be a chore to read. People come here for smiles, not because they need someone to tell them what ice cream to buy.

You’d rather see me turn the cake into a monster.

I’d rather turn the cake into a monster, too.

My canvas is fucking gorgeous.

I curse because I’m edgy.

I write dark things because they will trick you into believing that my cake reviews are nothing like the forty thousand other cake reviews you wouldn’t be caught dead fucking reading.

That’s also why I’m going to give this bitch cherry eyeballs.

I bought all of the candy shown above, plus more, for “regular review” purposes. Problem is, since X-E has been covering Christmas since the age of the dinosaurs, I’ve already written about most of that stuff before. And the ones I didn’t? Well, you tell me:

“Shown above are Tic Tacs, boasting their new ‘Holiday Twist’ motif, which blends red and white mints into an altogether Christmassy arrangement.”

“And here’s a Snickers bar, reshaped to look like a nutcracker guy.”

“Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.”

Yeah, pass.

I’m going to use this candy to make my monster cake.

My Spumonster.

Fun? Yes. Easy? Not really. Friendly’s Spumoni Roll has the consistency of a Carvel cake. This is to say, it only holds its shape long enough for a five minute showing. After that, the cake rapidly melts, like a dying gremlin, forming a Spumoni puddle that can only be–

I’ll shut up.

No minced words. Nothing except monster cakes.

Spumonster is born! Since that marks this article’s peak, I no longer feel the need to buck conventions. I can slide back into my normal role, which is that of someone who types until things look finished.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but Spumonster appears a bit like Mickey Mouse. At least in terms of silhouette. It’d be interesting if the similarities went beyond that, since Spumonster’s chocolate medallion ears are just about his least offensive feature. I now envision a Mickey with televisions for feet and a tail crafted from the finest cod roe.

At first glance, Spumonster looks like a careless mess. Not true. Plenty of thought went into him. I had a plan and a strategy, which are two different things. All of Spumonster’s bells and whistles mean something. I’m here to explain, in great detail, just what.

I felt that Spumonster needed to look stoic. Monster cakes are serious. By aligning the red M&M mouth pieces in a straight line, I’ve avoided any would-be theories about Spumonster smiling.

Spumonster doesn’t smile. He wreaks fucking havoc. Like Godzilla with pistachio scales.

Spumonster has arms made of cinnamon sticks. His hands are maraschino cherries, or perhaps those are merely his gloves? You decide.

Spumonster has hair made of marshmallows. It’s a cute tuft, no doubt about it. Spumonster hates being thought of as cute, but I wasn’t about to waste an opportunity to call marshmallows “hair.” I have enough regrets.

Spumonster carries a bunch of cherries on his back. Jury’s still out on them. They could be Spumonster’s legendary treasure, or he might just be a creature of misfired evolution, who wears his most critical organs outside of his skin.

If it’s treasure, you can’t get it unless you kill Spumonster in battle. Good luck with that fool’s errand.

If it’s organs, then I can understand why Spumonster never smiles. To do so would encourage children to “horse around” with him. People with unprotected hearts shouldn’t play-wrestle. Really, nobody should.

I see these marshmallows as Spumonster’s first line of defense. They’re projectiles. He’s like one of the battleships from SMB3 World 8. Get too close to his kidney cherries, and he will shoot.

And all of the other candy? I put that there so Spumonster wouldn’t look too much like a normal Friendly’s Spumoni Roll. Only then would I have failed.

That’s his ass. It’s a mess. All tabloid photogs must be directed to shoot Spumonster from the front. So long as I maintain this, I’ll continue to receive 20% of his appearance fees.

But I can dream, and in my dreams, I’m screwing up Friendly’s desserts with you.

Blah blah blah. Blah blah blah, blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah.

84 thoughts on “Spumonster.

  1. Guise

    The Spumonster (and I hope I’m pronouncing it correctly as Spew Monster?) reminds me a lot of those party food things as a kid, where you gut out an orange leaving the peel dome, pop cocktail sticks in it with cheese and pineapple chunks on them and a raisin nose and call it a Hedgehog. Oranges make a great receptacle for cocktail sticks.

    It looked scary even before the monsterisation, but then I’m never really sold on ice cream and nuts. I wonder what an X-E Ben & Jerrys flavour would be?

  2. Pluto_Child

    Good choice on spumoni as the ice cream log of doom. Spumoni gives me nightmares enough so Spumonster is a natural choice of evolution for me.

  3. Graham

    awesome article matt, love that drawing of the tree in the background. I would love to get more into the christmas spirit, but stubbornness wont let me until dec 1st.

  4. Kapprika

    Man, I love the Spumonster. He looks kind of upset with his arms raised, like he’s wildly gesturing and yelling about something.

  5. Joker

    very cool, looks like it was fun to make. sounds like a good activity to do with some kids.
    Anyway, since its Saturday I have to say it…. Happy SNT!

  6. Amy

    I’m still stuck on the idea of that ice cream roll being an actual food. I guess we don’t have a lot of Italians in Wisconsin.

  7. CMJsrevihc

    Awesome. I’ve always had regrets about the Safeway Lucerne brand Spumoini ice cream I had years ago, but now I know it was just a Spumonster in disguise.

  8. CMJsrevihc

    Spumonster’s neutral expression means he’s ready for his passport photo.

  9. CMJsrevihc

    Colour me impressed. I just looked up the ingredient list for Friendly’s Spumoni roll, and it has real milk and cream. I thought maybe it melts so fast because it’s cheaped out with modified milk ingredients. We have so many food items here in Canada that use modified milk ingredients now, it’s terrible. It makes everything taste kind of sour and stale. By law, half the ice cream items here can’t be called ice cream anymore, they have to be called “frozen desserts” and you have to go to good places like President’s Choice to get cost effective ice cream that’s actually a dairy product.

  10. Bill

    Hilarious.

    And your Cocktail Holiday post made mine look like the Hefty Bag commercial. Not this one but the one with the kids doing a play-by-play of mom throwing out stuff. This one is better, though.

  11. Review the World

    Matt, you’re really making me hungry this Sat. afternoon, first I read about the cocktails, and now this? I’m not the biggest ice cream eater but Spumoni is a personal favorite (if only for the pistachio portion — I remember an old book from childhood where it went down the line of Sesame Street characters listing their favorite flavors and one of them liked pistachio which fascinated my young mind the idea of a green ice cream; although on the extensive “ice cream” section of the Muppet Wiki I can’t find any evidence of said book).

  12. Greg the Canuckistanian

    I smell a new XE Christmas tradition, frozen dessert monsters! I’d love a big hunk o Spumonster right about now…

    Now what I really want to know is why you great folks in the U.S of A get all of the Holiday themed junk food. The only thing I saw in Matt’s pile of candy that I recognized were the Tic Tacs. Jealous Canuck right here!

  13. Dead Fish

    I see these marshmallows as Spumonster’s first line of defense. They’re projectiles. He’s like one of the battleships from SMB3 World 8. Get too close to his kidney cherries, and he will shoot.

    Mario 3 Reference was a epic win and finally Matt we see u without the Halloween make up

  14. Jugendsehnsucht

    “Spumonster carries a bunch of cherries on his back. Jury’s still out on them. They could be Spumonster’s legendary treasure, or he might just be a creature of misfired evolution, who wears his most critical organs outside of his skin.”Matt
    My vote is that the Spumonster is actually a she, rather than a he, and is carrying its young on its back like a Wolf Spider or a Surinam Toad. God help us when those cherries grow up into full-sized Spumonsters.

    “I thought maybe it melts so fast because it’s cheaped out with modified milk ingredients. We have so many food items here in Canada that use modified milk ingredients now, it’s terrible. It makes everything taste kind of sour and stale.”CMJsrevihc
    The way a lot of store-bought ice cream melts bothers me now. It never used to bother me, but making it at home or buying the “good stuff” has apparently spoiled me. The regular old Dreyer’s/Edy’s stuff melts into this weird, almost finely-foamy consistancy instead of melting into something that looks/tastes/feels just like flavored cream, the way homemade or high-end stuff does.

    “Is that a bloody snake or other snake like object under the christmas tree drawing in the background?”Trampus
    It’s the Jan.—Sept. doodle background on top of the old X-mas light background. It gets overlaid on the Halloween “dungeon” background, as well. I think this started in 2009. Personally, I preferred ‘em as plain lights or stone walls, but it’s still festive as hell and give a sense of consistency, so I ain’t complaining.

  15. Scott

    That is totally something I would do. did you eat it? I would have. It would be great. I also might have made a movie out of it. The giant vs Spumonster. the giant that ate Spumonster. something like that.

  16. Invader Norbert

    You know what? This site was the first time I ever learned about Spumoni when you posted about it several years ago. Now I see it wherever I go. And now it’s in monster form.

  17. Wardah

    I agree on the idea of the cherries being egs or larva of some sort. Nothing gets a giant beast going like threatening its young. Tokyo has paid for that many times.

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