Spumonster.

Blah blah blah. Blah blah blah, blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah? Blah blah blah.

Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah, blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah.

Why do I feel compelled to review this in any natural way? It’s a limited edition Friendly’s “Spumoni Roll,” but you can see that. What am I supposed to add? It’s not like people won’t notice that the words were just disguising a Spumoni Roll picture gallery as an “article.”

Photo, two paragraphs, photo, two paragraphs. So many words and nothing really to them.

I refuse to do that today. I did it yesterday and I’ll do it tomorrow, but I won’t do it today. Not to the Spumoni Roll.

Its unabashed Christmas glee inspires me to use this site the way it should be used, without holding to archaic concepts that benefit no one, least of all Friendly’s cofounder Curtis Blake.

I wonder if he’s still alive?

That’s what I want to do.

It has to beat a normal review, right? It’s better for me, better for us all. X-E shouldn’t be a chore to construct, and it certainly shouldn’t be a chore to read. People come here for smiles, not because they need someone to tell them what ice cream to buy.

You’d rather see me turn the cake into a monster.

I’d rather turn the cake into a monster, too.

My canvas is fucking gorgeous.

I curse because I’m edgy.

I write dark things because they will trick you into believing that my cake reviews are nothing like the forty thousand other cake reviews you wouldn’t be caught dead fucking reading.

That’s also why I’m going to give this bitch cherry eyeballs.

I bought all of the candy shown above, plus more, for “regular review” purposes. Problem is, since X-E has been covering Christmas since the age of the dinosaurs, I’ve already written about most of that stuff before. And the ones I didn’t? Well, you tell me:

“Shown above are Tic Tacs, boasting their new ‘Holiday Twist’ motif, which blends red and white mints into an altogether Christmassy arrangement.”

“And here’s a Snickers bar, reshaped to look like a nutcracker guy.”

“Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.”

Yeah, pass.

I’m going to use this candy to make my monster cake.

My Spumonster.

Fun? Yes. Easy? Not really. Friendly’s Spumoni Roll has the consistency of a Carvel cake. This is to say, it only holds its shape long enough for a five minute showing. After that, the cake rapidly melts, like a dying gremlin, forming a Spumoni puddle that can only be–

I’ll shut up.

No minced words. Nothing except monster cakes.

Spumonster is born! Since that marks this article’s peak, I no longer feel the need to buck conventions. I can slide back into my normal role, which is that of someone who types until things look finished.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but Spumonster appears a bit like Mickey Mouse. At least in terms of silhouette. It’d be interesting if the similarities went beyond that, since Spumonster’s chocolate medallion ears are just about his least offensive feature. I now envision a Mickey with televisions for feet and a tail crafted from the finest cod roe.

At first glance, Spumonster looks like a careless mess. Not true. Plenty of thought went into him. I had a plan and a strategy, which are two different things. All of Spumonster’s bells and whistles mean something. I’m here to explain, in great detail, just what.

I felt that Spumonster needed to look stoic. Monster cakes are serious. By aligning the red M&M mouth pieces in a straight line, I’ve avoided any would-be theories about Spumonster smiling.

Spumonster doesn’t smile. He wreaks fucking havoc. Like Godzilla with pistachio scales.

Spumonster has arms made of cinnamon sticks. His hands are maraschino cherries, or perhaps those are merely his gloves? You decide.

Spumonster has hair made of marshmallows. It’s a cute tuft, no doubt about it. Spumonster hates being thought of as cute, but I wasn’t about to waste an opportunity to call marshmallows “hair.” I have enough regrets.

Spumonster carries a bunch of cherries on his back. Jury’s still out on them. They could be Spumonster’s legendary treasure, or he might just be a creature of misfired evolution, who wears his most critical organs outside of his skin.

If it’s treasure, you can’t get it unless you kill Spumonster in battle. Good luck with that fool’s errand.

If it’s organs, then I can understand why Spumonster never smiles. To do so would encourage children to “horse around” with him. People with unprotected hearts shouldn’t play-wrestle. Really, nobody should.

I see these marshmallows as Spumonster’s first line of defense. They’re projectiles. He’s like one of the battleships from SMB3 World 8. Get too close to his kidney cherries, and he will shoot.

And all of the other candy? I put that there so Spumonster wouldn’t look too much like a normal Friendly’s Spumoni Roll. Only then would I have failed.

That’s his ass. It’s a mess. All tabloid photogs must be directed to shoot Spumonster from the front. So long as I maintain this, I’ll continue to receive 20% of his appearance fees.

But I can dream, and in my dreams, I’m screwing up Friendly’s desserts with you.

Blah blah blah. Blah blah blah, blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah.

84 thoughts on “Spumonster.

  1. Mr Adam We

    The Spumonster scares me. It scares me so! It doesn’t help that it’s filled with things I Just Don’t Like.

    I’m really looking forward to the new Madd Mats, and the wait seems like a good thing. That way it’ll be even more special to see his mis-season face :)

    By the way, I’ve done something which I think some of you might like, or find just dull and derivative. Just click on my name.

  2. Mr Adam We

    Actually thinking about it, I’m wondering how awesome it’ll be for someone to make a Spumonster film. The trick would be keeping it solid. Maybe the backstory could be that Spumonsters exist and always existed, but they always melt before they get up to mischief. But this time, one of them has evolved to not melt! Let the Chaos Commence!

  3. Amy

    Just watched A Carol Christmas starring Tori Spelling and featuring Gary Coleman and William Shatner on Hallmark. Not as awful as I expected, but I do have a weird fondness for Tori. Slowly getting the Christmas spirit…I dont want too much spirit quite yet bc I go back to work that week. :(

  4. Mr Adam We

    Whoa Amy, that doesn’t sound awful at all, but the recipe for awesome. Was Tori Spelling Scrooge(tte)? What did Shatner do? Please say Gary Coleman was Tiny Tim!

  5. Cameron T.

    Matt, this gave me a laugh when I needed one. Thanks. My Dad’s in the hospital (recovering from Lung surgery as a result of pneumonia) and I’m up at home in Lubbock to stay with my Mom. It’s been a little crazy here these last few days and I’m so glad to read something so silly like this.

  6. Teddy Ray

    That was awesome, Matt. Very creative and very impressive. I want a Spumonster of my own to devour in self defense.

    I almost got some Starbucks ice cream today, Jugendsehnsucht. I was going to get peppermint mocha, but I decided to keep looking for Ben and Jerry’s Schweddy Balls ice cream instead…which I can’t find anywhere!

    One of my favorite kinds of ice cream comes from a local Mexican ice cream joint. They have some pretty good flavors like avocado cream, rose petal, strawberry jalapeño (much better than you’d imagine), and coconut cream. (There’s something else about them that’s interesting, but I’ll tell you about it on Farcebook.) Astro Tease

    Oh, hell no. Do you think just because you direct your comment to JugsJacobJingleheimerSchmidt, the rest of us don’t read it? That may be true for everyone else, but not me…no, sir. I want to know…unless, you know, you can’t post it because it’s incriminating or something, then click my name, be my friend, and spill them beans!

    Hope your dad recovers quickly, Cameron. He’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.

  7. Brooks

    Those holiday tic-tacs are a wonderful use of the modern wonder of food coloring. The reds are so rich and the whites are so bright.

  8. Adam

    I can’t even look at the pictures of that spumoni without my body hairs raising and my asshole puckering. I was manager of a small cafe at one point and had my first taste of spumoni about 2 years ago. I’ve heard the folks of old tell me how amazing it tasted…you know what it tasted like? Vomit from a night of too much Captain Morgan and a milkshake that was the Coup de grâce to induce the vomiting. Whats worse…the spumoni was the best selling of my ice cream flavors…vanilla and rainbow didn’t even have a snowball’s chance in hell when it was around.

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