My holiday hunts took me to Toys "R" Us, which from this point forth will be referred to as TRU. Typing Toys "R" Us is the most covertly aggravating thing on the planet. Try it sometime.

TRU stores have set up for the holidays, and if your local establishment is big enough, this may include an entire aisle devoted to stocking stuffers.

I'm passionate about Christmas stockings. Very much so. Even today, when I'm so apathetic towards life that I can see ten different bright sides in getting smacked by a hundred pound acid-covered flaming boulder, Christmas stockings still move me.

My true calling in life: I want to be a stocking-filler-for-hire, ready to guide clueless parents on how to correctly stuff those socks, no matter the budget. This is something I touched on last year, and will again this year. Repeatedly, until you hate me.

Anyway, this particular TRU had a pretty odd collection of stocking stuffers...

It's hard to tell by the photo, but it's an enormous display of what is absolutely and unarguably dollar store crap. I have no idea how it ended up in TRU, or why anyone would pay $2 a pop for things that should clearly be $1.

To add hypocrisy to my complaint, I bought five of these toys. Journalistic purposes, see.

I came into this review fully planning to blast each of these items, as they're affronts to every greedy kid who will cap off Christmas morning by pouring the contents of footwear into his or her lap. But it seems I've become soft and non-confrontational in my old age, and I'm starting to see the merits in these junky toys.

The Christmas stocking is a bonus. Most kids don't have any big expectations about what's inside them, so long as something is. You can totally get away with filling them on the cheap, and you should, since you already bought the brats video games and their own islands. Considering that the "classic" stuffers consist of things like marbles and fruit, filling them with inexpensive junk is a roundabout way of maintaining tradition.

Kids never add dollar store crap to their Christmas lists, but they all love it. I've seen enough of my nieces and nephews cut loose in dollar stores to know that. They become frenzied and drunk from the possibilities. Sure, the fact that TRU is charging twice as much for their dollar store crap is an issue to consider, but gas is expensive, and buying everything at one place saves you a trip. Anything can be justified if you just keep typing.

Finally, there's the element of surprise. As I've written before, children now live and die by their online wishlists. Come Christmas, the only real surprise is in "how much" or "how little" they get. We're all buying them exactly what they asked for, literally with the click of a few buttons. It's the kind of thing Charlie Brown railed against. If you want to re-inject a sense of surprise into Christmas, there's no better way than with toys like these. Nobody expects "Wrestle Rampage Tag Team" on Christmas morning.

Below: My five favorite finds from TRU's crude stocking stuffer assortment.

Wrestle Rampage Tag Team: Bootleg/generic wrestling figures are a dollar store classic, and sorry TRU, but I've seen these exact same sets in dollar stores up and down the east coast. The figures are cheaply made and break easily, so it is extremely fortunate that no kid's favorite wrestler is Unknown Bald Man with Tiger Slash Chest.

I chose this specific two-pack because it was the only set that came with a chainsaw.

Going by scale, it's a ridiculously huge chainsaw, best served as the visual punchline to some horrible clown's joke about giant trees. Truly, the inherent artistry of a pro-wrestling match is somewhat lost when one of the competitors can just attack his opponent with a chainsaw. On the other hand, there have been wrestling classics where the goal was to throw your opponent off of a scaffold.

The back of the package actually gives them names. The masked guy is called "The Snake," who is pumped and ready for his loser-leaves-town match against "Scar." My money's on Snake, probably because I gave him the chainsaw. Doesn't Scar look like a guy who is about to be sliced by a chainsaw?

Magical Treasures Magical Slate: I don't know how I feel about high technology being delivered in a fairy princess motif. It's incongruous. It makes me mad.

Here, a phony Blackberry doubles as a "magical slate," where you draw pretty pictures on a little pink screen with an included stylus, and then wipe 'em away with the slide of a button.

There are many copyright infringements at play. First, that's obviously supposed to be Disney's Tinkerbell, and if you don't believe me, head east for a clear view of the Magic Kingdom.

Then, for reasons I'm still trying to understand, the "Magical Slate" burst is a spin on the American Idol logo. The last thing I expected Magical Slate to remind me of was Ruben Studdard. Fittingly, "205" is about all you could successfully draw on the pink screen without having an aneurism. I heard Ruben jokes were back in vogue.

I also believe that the excessive loop in that huge "M" is based on a Pillsbury cinnamon roll.

Jokes & Gags Chatter Teeth: Hey, this isn't so bad. Wind-up teeth that viciously chomp for comedic effect. A chance to reenact the Batman and Joker fight from 1989.

Check out those text explosions on the package. "CHATTER TEETH!" "CHATTERING ACTION!" "WIND-UP FUN!" "HA-HA!" Not a single phrase that any reasonable person could argue with. These words circle my head like a Simpsons gag, urging me to stand still until everyone realizes that having the phrase "wind-up fun" orbit my head is funny.

By now you've surely noticed that I've only been showing you the toys in their packaged states. I know what you're thinking: After I review these, I'm gonna head back to TRU and reclaim my ten bucks.

Oh, if only. Actually, I opened them all, took pictures, and then decided that the extra photos weren't really needed for this article.

Here, proof:

See? I can't bring back the Chatter Teeth.

Or the Magical Treasures Magical Slate.

Or these Power Ranger ninja people, who I haven't gotten up to yet.

Never doubt my dedication to you.

Flower Girl Rings & Gems: I have to admit, with the way they've organized the package, you really get the impression that this is a collection of stuff.

And I suppose it is. There are seven rings, a heart-shaped box, and enough phony jewel stickers to make any girl's forehead look like a luxurious retail store.

Yeah, I opened this one too:

Today's model is an armature. I think that's what they call them. "Anatomy model," maybe? She has very distinct nipples.

Secret Ninja Force Ninja Duel: I see these and think "Power Rangers," but I also notice that they have the exact same bodies as those Wrestle Rampage guys.

I wonder if Scar's wrestling "career" was a mere cover for superheroism? Won't the cats stuck in that burning tree be upset when they hear about Snake chainsawing him to death.

I like the green guy best. He's semi-translucent, and so long as I never test it, I will always believe that he's flavored lime.

Sometimes, articles just don't come together. This would be one of those times. Were I able to freeze the clock, I'd shelf this shit and write about something more interesting.

Instead, I'll try to raise this entry's worth with a drawing of Santa Claus and a dragon, shaking hands:

I'll be a star again, someday.

PS: Congrats to our very own kb, a new mom for the second time!