Target’s Holiday Milk + Doll + Gum.

Today: An assortment of barely connected things. One of them doesn’t even fall under the general “Christmas umbrella” that usually saves me from seeming unfocused. I have no idea what I’m doing here.

Sold exclusively at Target, “Holiday Milk” makes me want to take back all of the horrible things I’ve written about cow honey. Or at least half of them. Or maybe just Complaint #237, which very specifically lamented the nonexistence of novelty Christmas milk that was dyed red and tasted like chocolate.

I can’t deny my general hatred of milk, and yet, I’m so impressed with this. It’s sure to go down as one of my top memories of the 2011 Christmas season. That’s a compliment to the milk, but it makes me sound ridiculously sad. And that’s fine. Just know that there are so many untold me-stories having to do with celebrity hobnobs and vast financial gains.


I suppose RED MILK isn’t that unusual, especially when it’s more accurately pink, and a dead ringer for Strawberry Quik. Somehow, the “Holiday Milk” moniker boosts it up to dairy-related god status.

In a “red velvet chocolate” flavor, this is the milk that’s supposed to taste like cake. Will it succeed?

For the sake of a complete review, I ruined several years’ worth of successful milk boycotting. I tried it. It’s like sweeter chocolate milk. At least, from what I can remember chocolate milk tasting like. The last time I had it was in 2006, and that was just an emergency sip taken to soothe the kind of heartburn that could only be conjured by drinking three cocktails out of full-sized pineapples at Disney’s Polynesian Resort.

I guess, if you’re okay with milk, then it’s pretty good.

I got that Bacardi glass from a liquor store that was selling off its collection of promo glasses for a quarter each, and why? THE BAT.

“Holiday Milk” is an inspiration to us all, and the proof is all over the web. Countless mortals have sworn allegiance to it, and among them are a good many who hate milk even more than I do. Plus, Bill. Come Christmas, this alien concoction will assuredly replace normal milk in hundreds of households who deem Santa worthy of free food.

Which reminds me: One year, I left out milk and carrots for Santa. It’s my earliest Santa memory, and one of the only ones. It had nothing to do with a lack of cookies. I just naturally gravitated to carrots. It was like I wanted Santa to hate me. That must’ve been the year I didn’t get the Ewok Village playset.

EDIT: I’m told that carrots are commonly left out for Santa’s reindeer. Makes sense, but mine for were Santa and there were no cookies. Do not mess with my memories. I know those carrots were for Santa.

In marginally related news, I found this member of Ty’s “Beanie Ballz” family, based on the man who did not enjoy Christmas crudites. It’s a newer form of Beanie Baby, where the usual sack limbs have been replaced by a Violet Beauregarde monster form.

His official name is “Kringle,” and his tag comes with a personal message:

“I ride in a sleigh high in the air, and pass out toys I made with care!”

I feel like he’s quizzing me.

Kringle’s birthday is listed as December 25th, putting him in good company. Rod Serling, Jesus and punk rock’s Dido share the same big day.

I found Kringle in a card store that was still selling Regal Crown Sours, so I have no idea if he’s new-for-2011. Probably not, since that would’ve given me one good reason to buy him. I think we can all agree that I had no good reasons.

Shifting gears, we now exit winter wonderland and travel to a continent that should never be referenced on a site boasting 100% holiday coverage from now through Christmas. Because Hubba Bubba gum is a continent.

Look, the gum spoke to me. It told me to spread word of it. It begged.

It’s the new Hubba Bubba Max “Mystery Flavor,” and I shouldn’t have to explain why I fell under its spell. Even bad mystery flavors are great, and this was a whole pack of ‘em…hidden by a wrapper that absolutely must be developed into a wallpaper pattern. If nobody else does it, I’m going to.

There’s a lot to digest, here. So much, in fact, that it really calls for a bullet list. I don’t feel like looking up bullet list html, so a numbered list will have to suffice.

1. One mystery solved: All of the mystery flavors are the exact same mystery flavor.

2. The gum comes in awesomely plain wrappers, which simultaneously cut costs and add an air of mystique.

3. The gum looks like old Bonkers candy.

4. I’m pretty sure it’s cherry lemonade. The colors suggest that, and so does the taste, which is so bitingly sour that I’m still making my best Neapolitan Mastiff face four hours later.

I enjoy this gum. It made me think and it made me make dog faces. I recommend it for everyone.

Finally, we gave stuffing-making a trial run over the weekend. Or maybe we just didn’t want to wait until Thanksgiving for stuffing. What if someone makes that weird version with the rubbery oysters inside? Some risks aren’t worth taking. If the stuffing sucks on Thanksgiving, at least we had last Sunday.

FYI: We’re just over two weeks away from December, and the start of X-E’s two Advent Calendars.

If they suck, at least I had last Sunday.

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81 Responses to Target’s Holiday Milk + Doll + Gum.

  1. Good luck, kb!

    I’m put off by the term “Holiday Milk.” There’s just something unsettling about that word, like some folks have against words like “moist.”

  2. Bill says:

    That milk seems like something the Grither would drink.
    Man, what an awesome Christmas Tale from the Darkside that was!

  3. Amy says:

    The red color makes me NOT want the milk–kind of like the red velvet Yoplait.

    Guess what??? One of the few things I’ve learned from daytime tv is that there ARE Pine Bros. chewy cough drops back in existence–or they always have been and just been an old person secret, like how medicare will buy anyone a scooter and mail order catheters are the choice of young, pretty women who use catheters.

  4. Matt says:

    You’re kidding. I’ll die in a good way if that’s true.

  5. kidneyboy says:

    kb! hope all is well, good luck!

    PB Max! Hell yeah! Peanut Butter Twix is just a poor substitute.

    Anyone remember a drink mix called Burple? Those containers were awesome! That’s all I’ve got.

  6. They’re available on amazon, like everything else you forgot you wanted. You can buy them from a store in Vermont.

    Chicks go wild for mail order catheters. I’m sick of having to face the smug “you need a catheter” grin of the young hotshot know-it-all over at the Catheter Warehouse.

  7. Bill says:

    They are at CVS. Not too sure about their spokesman though.

    Kidneyboy, I have fond memories of Burples. It’s like Zipfizz for kids in collapsible bottles.

  8. Matt says:

    Oh my God. There they are. In a fancy three-pack.

    The cough drops, not catheters.

  9. Amy says:

    Juuuust saw the Pine Bros commercial at the end of the Family Feud. Another daytime tv secret: Nascar drivers want you to rent-to-own like nobody’s business.

  10. Guise says:

    Matt, there’s something about ‘fancy three-pack’ and catheters that strikes me just so…the idea that maybe, just maybe the packaging with trendy logo and a cartoon mascot proclaiming them as the best deal would make people buy them rather than the store brand catheters or as a mistaken present for a birthday.

  11. A cartoon mascot for catheters?

    So many appropriate choices. There’s the obvious one – a snake. But if you’re going for that impressionable “I don’t really NEED a catheter but I want to be like those cool people who do” market, I’d say Cathy the Catheter Cat would be a good choice. I wouldn’t recommend a sassy, wisecracking persona, because people who are trying out catheters for the first time probably need that gentle pursuasive touch.

    Er. Don’t mind me, I’d rather think about absolutely anything else, than what I am supposed to be doing right now.

  12. Dead Fish says:

    Red Milk? what will they think of next o.O

  13. DrummerJay says:

    Good luck kb!
    My daughter Kate is sleeping in her swing behind me. I was listening to the Christmas jukebox at a low level so she doesn’t wake up. I clicked a link to watch a YouTube video, and paused the jukebox. The volume on the video was really low so I had to crank up my speakers to hear it. Fast forward 5 minutes later. I remembered to un-pause the jukebox…FELIZ NAVIDAD comes blaring out at ear-splitting levels. I quickly killed the volume and looked at Kate, who’s legs were sticking straight out from the shock. But she never woke up! CHRISTMAS MAGIC!

  14. stina says:

    I was visiting my friend in the hospital once and accidentally knocked the catheter bag off the bed. Then I started fumbling with it, trying to hang it back up, trying not to think about holding a bag of pee that my friend was somehow connected too…Good thing I brought her flowers.

    I don’t really get this whole “red Velvet” craze, isn’t it just chocolate with a fuckton of red food coloring?

    I’m sick and spending the day in bed. Expect more ramblings.

  15. Anonymous says:

    Matt, what do you think about the Star Wars Christmas Special. I saw it the other day and blew my mind. It was so weirdly hilarious.

  16. King JLA says:

    Dead Fish: Quik makes a banana flavored milk that’s yellow.

    The only candy I outright miss are Starbursts Licorice. Unlike the bland “Rainbow Twizzlers” these actually tasted like the various flavors the colors represented.

  17. kidneyboy says:

    Heh, a three pack of catheters! They should have Nascar drivers sponsor those! You don’t want to be wearing one of those “no-name” catheters when the going gets tough!

  18. Are you making sausage stuffing? That’s my absolute favorite. Remember, when in doubt, add more butter.

    Also BONKERS! I miss that candy so much. I hate that they are forever gone from this world. Grape Bonkers used to rock my world. Why did you have to mention Bonkers? Now I’ll spend at least the next two weeks craving a candy that I can never have!

    Also, you like Pokemon, you should check out my Pokemon!

  19. Matt says:

    It’s chicken sausage, yup. We went butterless and just used broth, to see if it could be done. It can!

  20. starwenn says:

    I love Red Velvet Cake, and the grocery store where I work has a generic store brand Red Velvet Cake ice cream that’s amazing. I also liked the Yoplait Red Velvet Cake yogurt before I started buying larger yogurt containers. That’s it, though. I do like milk, but most chocolate milk is too sweet for me…and no matter how red it is, this probably won’t be different.

    My mother makes stuffing every Thanksgiving. It’s the only time of year she does it, since it’s so time-consuming. It’s worth it, though. It’s always so moist and flavorful. And no, she doesn’t put oysters in it. Just the usual stuff, like bread cubes (she toasts and slices her own), broth, and seasoning.

  21. Teddy Ray says:

    That holiday milk looks remarkablous. I must have it.

    I also really want Kringle for reasons I can’t explain.

    I miss Bonkers, too…remember the chocolate flavor? Mmm…

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who left carrots for the reindeer. I’d never heard of anyone else doing it. I feel better now.

    I remember all those old comic book ads, kidneyboy! I think my favorites were the ads for the Saturday morning cartoon lineups each year.

    …like how medicare will buy anyone a scooter and mail order catheters are the choice of young, pretty women who use catheters.

    That cracked me up, Amy and the ensuing comments about catheters from Rev. and your further observation that NASCAR drivers want you to rent everything to-own kept my laughing.

    Finally, my thoughts and prayers are with you, kb! Good luck!

  22. braindead brian says:

    what’s wrong with kb?

  23. Matt says:

    She seems to have another person trapped inside her.

  24. braindead brian says:

    oh snap!?! a baby!?

    congrats kb!

    I miss kb toys.

    but not really. I think I liked it being in the mall, but never really bought anything there. I would see something I liked and then go to Toys R Us

  25. John V says:

    Drinking red milk = me vomiting. Hey maybe that would look cool.

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