Today: An assortment of barely connected things. One of them doesn’t even fall under the general “Christmas umbrella” that usually saves me from seeming unfocused. I have no idea what I’m doing here.
Sold exclusively at Target, “Holiday Milk” makes me want to take back all of the horrible things I’ve written about cow honey. Or at least half of them. Or maybe just Complaint #237, which very specifically lamented the nonexistence of novelty Christmas milk that was dyed red and tasted like chocolate.
I can’t deny my general hatred of milk, and yet, I’m so impressed with this. It’s sure to go down as one of my top memories of the 2011 Christmas season. That’s a compliment to the milk, but it makes me sound ridiculously sad. And that’s fine. Just know that there are so many untold me-stories having to do with celebrity hobnobs and vast financial gains.
It’s RED MILK!
I suppose RED MILK isn’t that unusual, especially when it’s more accurately pink, and a dead ringer for Strawberry Quik. Somehow, the “Holiday Milk” moniker boosts it up to dairy-related god status.
In a “red velvet chocolate” flavor, this is the milk that’s supposed to taste like cake. Will it succeed?
For the sake of a complete review, I ruined several years’ worth of successful milk boycotting. I tried it. It’s like sweeter chocolate milk. At least, from what I can remember chocolate milk tasting like. The last time I had it was in 2006, and that was just an emergency sip taken to soothe the kind of heartburn that could only be conjured by drinking three cocktails out of full-sized pineapples at Disney’s Polynesian Resort.
I guess, if you’re okay with milk, then it’s pretty good.
I got that Bacardi glass from a liquor store that was selling off its collection of promo glasses for a quarter each, and why? THE BAT.
“Holiday Milk” is an inspiration to us all, and the proof is all over the web. Countless mortals have sworn allegiance to it, and among them are a good many who hate milk even more than I do. Plus, Bill. Come Christmas, this alien concoction will assuredly replace normal milk in hundreds of households who deem Santa worthy of free food.
Which reminds me: One year, I left out milk and carrots for Santa. It’s my earliest Santa memory, and one of the only ones. It had nothing to do with a lack of cookies. I just naturally gravitated to carrots. It was like I wanted Santa to hate me. That must’ve been the year I didn’t get the Ewok Village playset.
EDIT: I’m told that carrots are commonly left out for Santa’s reindeer. Makes sense, but mine for were Santa and there were no cookies. Do not mess with my memories. I know those carrots were for Santa.
In marginally related news, I found this member of Ty’s “Beanie Ballz” family, based on the man who did not enjoy Christmas crudites. It’s a newer form of Beanie Baby, where the usual sack limbs have been replaced by a Violet Beauregarde monster form.
His official name is “Kringle,” and his tag comes with a personal message:
“I ride in a sleigh high in the air, and pass out toys I made with care!”
I feel like he’s quizzing me.
Kringle’s birthday is listed as December 25th, putting him in good company. Rod Serling, Jesus and punk rock’s Dido share the same big day.
I found Kringle in a card store that was still selling Regal Crown Sours, so I have no idea if he’s new-for-2011. Probably not, since that would’ve given me one good reason to buy him. I think we can all agree that I had no good reasons.
Shifting gears, we now exit winter wonderland and travel to a continent that should never be referenced on a site boasting 100% holiday coverage from now through Christmas. Because Hubba Bubba gum is a continent.
Look, the gum spoke to me. It told me to spread word of it. It begged.
It’s the new Hubba Bubba Max “Mystery Flavor,” and I shouldn’t have to explain why I fell under its spell. Even bad mystery flavors are great, and this was a whole pack of ‘em…hidden by a wrapper that absolutely must be developed into a wallpaper pattern. If nobody else does it, I’m going to.
There’s a lot to digest, here. So much, in fact, that it really calls for a bullet list. I don’t feel like looking up bullet list html, so a numbered list will have to suffice.
1. One mystery solved: All of the mystery flavors are the exact same mystery flavor.
2. The gum comes in awesomely plain wrappers, which simultaneously cut costs and add an air of mystique.
3. The gum looks like old Bonkers candy.
4. I’m pretty sure it’s cherry lemonade. The colors suggest that, and so does the taste, which is so bitingly sour that I’m still making my best Neapolitan Mastiff face four hours later.
I enjoy this gum. It made me think and it made me make dog faces. I recommend it for everyone.
Finally, we gave stuffing-making a trial run over the weekend. Or maybe we just didn’t want to wait until Thanksgiving for stuffing. What if someone makes that weird version with the rubbery oysters inside? Some risks aren’t worth taking. If the stuffing sucks on Thanksgiving, at least we had last Sunday.
FYI: We’re just over two weeks away from December, and the start of X-E’s two Advent Calendars.
If they suck, at least I had last Sunday.