Whenever a new Mr. Potato Head arrives, I itch like mad until it’s been archived on X-E. It’s like I’m not doing my job or something. Considering the pay and expenses, my job blows.
Christmas and Potato Heads go together like iced tea and Saltines. We’ve known it for years. Back in 2007, I reviewed Santa Spud, who was essentially Mr. Potato Head in a Santa Claus suit.
In my universe, “essentially” and “exactly” are synonyms, and I am the wizard master.
Unfortunately, to the best of my recollection, Mr. Potato Head liked the Santa suit enough to repeat it for several years. This was a major slap to the millions who were forced to endure holiday seasons without a new Christmas potato to buy. Well, forget that. In 2011, shit’s getting set straight.
It’s all new and all for you. It’s Mr. Potato Head dressed like a Christmas tree, singing the sad of heart to cheer.
I live in a little box, and in that box, there has never been a Potato Head like this before. If yours contains memories of a version from six years ago that looked just like this, please shut up and keep that poison in your own box.
Here, it’s the point of no return. The shark leap. His mustache is a branch. There’s no going back now.
What I like most about “Holiday Spud” is its ability to make me think I’m hearing harps when I’m not. This is as Christmassy as a potato can be, and that statement could only be disproved by photographical evidence of a baby potato taking center-stage in a blasphemous manger. (Don’t do it. Hell is hot.)
This particular Potato Head doesn’t come with a lot of parts, but when you’re getting things like giant Christmas tree hats and wonky skirts, you really don’t miss the plastic ears.
Holiday Spud is berserk. He’s the tuber who creates parties wherever he goes. Keep in mind, the way he’s pictured above is the “official” look, before I had a chance to mess with him. On his best day, that’s what he looks like.
You can also make him look like that. The end result of some silly cartoon bit where Mr. Potato Head dodged dozens of bullets by quickly shuffling his body parts around. Maybe it’s just me.
…or like this. A potential stunt double for one of the idiots in Disney’s Cars.
…or a baby mutant Yoshi!
Alternatively, I believe perennial kids favorite “Barney” had a dinosaur cousin who looked something like this. I think her name was Baby Bop? She was green and talked like-a hooray this-a thingy hee hee. Fuck Baby Bop.
This one looks like a few different characters, but I’m casting my vote for Gossamer, the furry Looney Tunes monster. Or maybe Muppet Babies-era Beaker. I wish my Potato Head creations resembled something more adult. There’s only so much you can do with giant green shoes.
Whoa, hey! I love this one! So outside the box! He just needs airplane wings and a destination. I nominate Peru.
This is my favorite of them all, looking like some form of android patrolman who deals out tickets for even the smallest infractions. I imagine the nose acting as a police siren, but the noises would be more like clown horn honks. Also, his hands can shoot fire.
In this final interpretation, I was trying to make a statement. The statement was, “I’m tired of sitting outside with Mr. Potato Head.” It’s November. Even if it’s a warm November, it’s still pretty cold.
My feeling is that everyone should own a Holiday Spud. Probably not via the text I just linked, because you should be paying around half that much.
In other news: SUCCESS on this year’s Chia Pet project. My “Chia Guy” grew an impressive head of hair, and he’s easily the most show-worthy Chia Pet I’ve ever had.
The key thing is…can he stay this way for another week? Growing a Chia Pet is one thing. Maintaining a Chia Pet…that’s where the real prestige is. The rewards are immense, and so few can do it. I’m determined to make my name this year. At the annual Chia Pet Expo, photos of me will cost so much money.
I’ll update you in about a week. Bet you three thousand dollars that he’ll be bald and shattered by then.