Mr. Potato Head: Holiday Spud!

Whenever a new Mr. Potato Head arrives, I itch like mad until it’s been archived on X-E. It’s like I’m not doing my job or something. Considering the pay and expenses, my job blows.

Christmas and Potato Heads go together like iced tea and Saltines. We’ve known it for years. Back in 2007, I reviewed Santa Spud, who was essentially Mr. Potato Head in a Santa Claus suit.

In my universe, “essentially” and “exactly” are synonyms, and I am the wizard master.

Unfortunately, to the best of my recollection, Mr. Potato Head liked the Santa suit enough to repeat it for several years. This was a major slap to the millions who were forced to endure holiday seasons without a new Christmas potato to buy. Well, forget that. In 2011, shit’s getting set straight.

It’s all new and all for you. It’s Mr. Potato Head dressed like a Christmas tree, singing the sad of heart to cheer.

I live in a little box, and in that box, there has never been a Potato Head like this before. If yours contains memories of a version from six years ago that looked just like this, please shut up and keep that poison in your own box.

Here, it’s the point of no return. The shark leap. His mustache is a branch. There’s no going back now.

What I like most about “Holiday Spud” is its ability to make me think I’m hearing harps when I’m not. This is as Christmassy as a potato can be, and that statement could only be disproved by photographical evidence of a baby potato taking center-stage in a blasphemous manger. (Don’t do it. Hell is hot.)

This particular Potato Head doesn’t come with a lot of parts, but when you’re getting things like giant Christmas tree hats and wonky skirts, you really don’t miss the plastic ears.

Holiday Spud is berserk. He’s the tuber who creates parties wherever he goes. Keep in mind, the way he’s pictured above is the “official” look, before I had a chance to mess with him. On his best day, that’s what he looks like.

You can also make him look like that. The end result of some silly cartoon bit where Mr. Potato Head dodged dozens of bullets by quickly shuffling his body parts around. Maybe it’s just me.

…or like this. A potential stunt double for one of the idiots in Disney’s Cars.

…or a baby mutant Yoshi!

Alternatively, I believe perennial kids favorite “Barney” had a dinosaur cousin who looked something like this. I think her name was Baby Bop? She was green and talked like-a hooray this-a thingy hee hee. Fuck Baby Bop.

This one looks like a few different characters, but I’m casting my vote for Gossamer, the furry Looney Tunes monster. Or maybe Muppet Babies-era Beaker. I wish my Potato Head creations resembled something more adult. There’s only so much you can do with giant green shoes.

Whoa, hey! I love this one! So outside the box! He just needs airplane wings and a destination. I nominate Peru.

This is my favorite of them all, looking like some form of android patrolman who deals out tickets for even the smallest infractions. I imagine the nose acting as a police siren, but the noises would be more like clown horn honks. Also, his hands can shoot fire.

In this final interpretation, I was trying to make a statement. The statement was, “I’m tired of sitting outside with Mr. Potato Head.” It’s November. Even if it’s a warm November, it’s still pretty cold.

My feeling is that everyone should own a Holiday Spud. Probably not via the text I just linked, because you should be paying around half that much.

In other news: SUCCESS on this year’s Chia Pet project. My “Chia Guy” grew an impressive head of hair, and he’s easily the most show-worthy Chia Pet I’ve ever had.

The key thing is…can he stay this way for another week? Growing a Chia Pet is one thing. Maintaining a Chia Pet…that’s where the real prestige is. The rewards are immense, and so few can do it. I’m determined to make my name this year. At the annual Chia Pet Expo, photos of me will cost so much money.

I’ll update you in about a week. Bet you three thousand dollars that he’ll be bald and shattered by then.

69 thoughts on “Mr. Potato Head: Holiday Spud!

  1. Derdavenwarrior

    Matt, you made me shout out loud holy shit a green moustache on a crowded train.

  2. Invader Norbert

    Chia Guy reminds me of the guy from the Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs movie.

    And I love the wingless plane, baby Yoshi, and Spud Cop ones. Damn, only you could’ve thought of those. Also, fuck Baby Bop.

  3. Teddy Ray

    You did hilariously wrong things with that Potato Head, Matt. Your “Disney’s Cars comment made me envision a faux blooper involving Mr. Potato Head from Toy Story doubling as a car. I haven’t seen Cars 2 yet, so if that happens, please no one spoil it for me. Also, your comment about the blasphemous manger makes me think Rev. might follow through with it…and it made me LOL…and I rarely use the term LOL.

    Also, CMJsrevihc has a wonderful idea and I want a Chia Mr. Potato Head now.

    Once again, my prayers and thoughts are with you, kb! Good luck!

  4. Berdo Rules!

    Man, I was never that creative with Mr. Potatohead. I thought I was so clever switching the hat and feet so that his torso was upside down. Booooo to me.

    Good luck, KB!

  5. DJ D

    The first thing that popped in my mind when I saw those Holiday Spud pics was Barbara and Adam from Beetlejuice.

    “DJ D- Three turkeys? Two of them fried? How do they cook the last one? I wouldn’t be surprised if they brine it; I’m told it’s popular in the South. Also, what constitutes “Cajun”? Will I stop asking questions? Who knows?”Hoverbored (and Jason and anyone else who may be curious about the ways of Southern turkey cooking)
    The last one is just traditionally baked, like anyone else would do it. No brine involved, as far as I know. As for the Cajun one, it basically means it’s covered in Cajun spices and has a little bit of a kick to it. I kind of scoffed at the idea of fried turkey when my cousin Billy first said he was going to do it a few years ago, but one taste of the Cajun spices, and I was proven very, very wrong. He has a giant deep fryer thing that basically just looks like a bucket full of oil, specially made for turkeys. You have to leave it in there for quite a while though, so the same thing happens every year. We’re all sitting around waiting to get started, while Billy comes in periodically (the fryer is actually out in the garage) to give us a progress report on how it’s coming. He always underestimates how long it’s going to take.

    “Sam might end up liking ponies. I’ve been playing Leslie Hall songs for him and if he grows up liking crap like that…well…you know.”Amy
    You keep that up and your hopes of him marrying kb‘s kid might not work out. She might not exactly be his type, if you know what I mean. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  6. Hoverbored

    DJ D- Thanks. I was kinda wondering about the whole “Cajun” thing. The common joke is that “Cajun” is what you call it when you burn your food. (ex.: “I hope you you guys like your brownies Cajun!”) Also, I hear Popeye’s is selling Cajun fired turkeys for the Thanksgiving/Christmas season. I think you have to order in advance, but it sounds like just the thing if you have the money and don’t feel like cooking. If they cook it like they cook their chicken, I’d definitely want to try it at some point.

  7. Scott

    I like the ticket giving potato with the siren on his head. I would also like to shoot fire from my hands.

  8. Greg the Canuckistanian

    That is one MAJESTIC GREEN MUSTACHE! The Muppet Baby era Beaker kind of looks like a castoff from Veggie Tales. I hope to locate a couple of these for my kids…yea for my kids.

  9. Jason

    The android patrolman is the best of the bunch. Very creative. And way to go with the Chia Pet, Matt! I’ve never grown one, but have always wanted to try. You’ve tried growing different ones, but this is clearly the best. Now I can’t get the jingle out of my head! “Ch-ch-ch-Chia!”

    DJ D- Now I want Cajun turkey even more. It sounds mighty tasty!

    And good luck kb! We’re thinking of ya!

  10. Dex

    First I have to say: Holy Jebus I have never seen such creativity with a Potatoe Head before!!

    They pulled the same repeat for a few years with the Halloween Spud to and it pissed me off. They put out a new one this year finally.

  11. Guise

    The ‘AirSpud’ Mr Potato Head, as I truly believe each variant needs a proper name or persona, reminds me of Crow T Robot from MST3K. This makes me happy.

  12. shamwow

    I agree with Guise. Number 8 looks like Crow from Mystery science theater. He should win the prize. If there’s a prize.

  13. Reesie

    This cracked me up so much. Again, your writing is unmatched. And congrats with the chia pet. I think this is the first time it actually worked to a certain extent.

  14. Bill

    What an awesome day. KB had a beautiful baby Lucy, I got a promotion to senior project manager, the girl is going on a biz trip to the beach this weekend and taking me, going to see Judas Priest in a week and after tomorrow I am done for the holiday.

    Ah shit…did I just jinx everything?

  15. Bill

    Velcro fly is dead to me.

    Amy, is daytime TV killing you? I had to work from home last week and I saw the infomercial with the Rascals over- looking the Grand Canyon. Then it hit me that Bob Barker was the secret to staying home from school sick and not going mad. I think the same applies to any reason to be home during the day.

  16. John V

    Matt, another great article. I like all your alternate builds of the spud better than the original.

    Also Toys R Us has this for 10 bucks + tax. Amazon price + shipping = Ouch!

  17. orko

    OH MAN that potato head is the stuff holiday golden memories are made of…. its like its 1991 and you go over to your cousins house on Christmas eve to find this thing siting on a table. then you make some wise crack about it being drunk at an office Christmas party and everyone, now in a mellow mood gets a good laugh out of it.
    yeah im going to insert that into my memories now and pretend it happened.

  18. Amy

    Bill, it is KILLING ME. I try to avoid Maury and the court shows and the talking harpies, so it ends up being game shows. Even with Drew Carey the Price Is Right is still a must.

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