The 7 Best Yetis Ever.

If you’re unfamiliar with yetis, think “snowy Bigfoot.”

Said to haunt the Himalayas, yetis (I prefer to acknowledge them as a species, not one standalone creature) are probably-not-real ape-like monsters who smell bad and eat people.

As with any cryptid with such a long and disconnected history, no two stories are ever the same. Sometimes, the yeti is huge. Other times, it’s shorter than us. Some would have us believe that they’re merely an unidentified species of gorilla with zero interest in humans, while others tell legends of yetis who will stop at nothing to tear our arms off.

The supposed physical traits of yetis – “abominable snowmen” – vary greatly even beyond their size. In some versions, they have dark fur. In others, they’re the more classic white-furred sasquatches we all want them to be. Local legends can give yetis other names and personalities, but the basic gist – a snowy monster who can probably lift a car over its head – remains consistent.

There’s nothing about yetis I don’t like, and that has a lot to do with how they’ve been represented in pop culture. Free of the burdens of any
“real life” origin story, the yetis of pop culture can be as big, fuzzy and capable of magic as their creators want them to be. And there have been some seriously big, fuzzy and magical yetis.

Below are my seven favorites. Some of them may stretch the definition of “yeti” a bit, but, for lack of a better reason explaining why I’m okay with including them, I just don’t care.

#1: BUMBLE! (Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer TV special, 1964)

Being a kid in the ’80s, I could count on one hand the number of Christmas TV specials that were guaranteed to air each year. Rudolph was one of them. It was already ancient by the time I saw it, but it held up, and I’d like to think that it still does today. There’s a lot to love about that special, but nothing beats the giant, man-eating monster who turns amicable when you steal his teeth.

You know the story, I hope. When we first meet Bumble, he’s a growling meanie who delights in venison. By the end, he’s a toothless teddy bear who uses his immense size to help decorate Christmas trees. Go Bumble!

Sure, Bumble barely resembles any yeti from a “true” story. Considering that he’s matched with talking reindeer and ugly toys who sing about their plight, so what? He’s the yeti that real yetis should be: Taller than your house and willing to clean its gutters.

Yeti Video of Interest: Someone grabbed Bumble’s classic roar and ran it on repeat for no good reason.

#2: THE WAMPA! (The Empire Strikes Back, 1980)

Ah, The Empire Strikes Back. As a Star Wars fan, I know its power. It’s our standard response to anyone who blasts us for liking Star Warsy things. The one thing from that entire universe that even the most devout hater can’t discount. “The good movie.”

Truth is, I like them all, but ESB had an undeniable focus and quality that makes it easy to love even without coming up with excuses. It also has a great yeti.

The Wampa is the snow creature that almost eats Luke Skywalker near the film’s start. I don’t feel like researching the estimates, but let’s say he was ten feet tall. (The Wampa, not Luke, though that would’ve been interesting.)

On the ice planet of Hoth, Wampas are the boss species. They’re perfectly adapted for the climate, being so covered with white fur that they’re both warm and completely blended into their surroundings. While normally preferring to eat Taun-Taun (horse-kangaroo hybrids), they’ll make an exception for any Jedi stupid enough to get distracted on its home turf.

Wampas are sick fucks, too. They prefer to keep their prey fresh. Instead of slaying them outright, they’ll hang ’em upside-down in their caves, and let their soon-to-be-victims watch them chew carrion for days before moving in for the kill.

Star Wars books, comics and games added so much more to Wampa lore: They can work in groups, and there are even Wampa subspecies in different sizes and colors. I still prefer the original, who managed to kill a Taun-Taun by scratching its chin for exactly 1.5 seconds.

Yeti Video of Interest: Check out this Wampa video, comparing his appearances in both the original and “special edition” versions of the film.

#3: THE YETI! (World Championship Wrestling, 1995)

Just a short time before pro-wrestling broke out and became the hip and happening thing of the late ’90s, it still clung to concepts that weren’t really working anymore: “Characters” who could not have been real people, no matter how hard you thought about it.

Still, I always loved the goofy monsters of wrestling. When WCW introduced the “Dungeon of Doom,” I was thrilled. Here, a collection of otherworldly “creatures” banded together to wreak havoc and kill Hulkamania. (To give you some idea, the Dungeon of Doom included wrestlers based on everything from a shark to the Loch Ness Monster.)

That same Dungeon of Doom also gave pro-wrestling its one and only yeti.

Most consider the Yeti’s debut to be one of WCW’s most embarrassing moments, but in retrospect, it was pretty freakin’ awesome. Literally breaking out of a block of ice in the middle of the arena, our worst nightmares came true: A seven foot monster waltzed into the ring to pummel Hulk Hogan.

WCW’s interpretation of a yeti was a little misguided, as he was obviously more of a mummy. The thousands of bandages meant that the rookie wrestler portraying him could barely move, thus limiting Yeti’s offense to tapping and hugging.

In at least one future appearance (and there were only a few), the Yeti “thawed out” and began wearing a $20 Halloween ninja costume. He was never a star and everyone hated him, but for pro-wrestling’s only yeti, I’ll gladly tip my hat.

Yeti Video of Interest: In all of its glory, here’s the Yeti’s wrestling debut!

#4: BLIZZARD! (Primal Rage video game, 1994)

Primal Rage was a fighting game, similar to Street Fighter or Mortal Kombat. The difference was that instead of controlling humans or even monsters who somewhat resembled humans, here, you made giant apes and dinosaurs kick each other in the heads.

Blizzard was one of the “virtuous beasts,” literally the “god of good.” He slung frozen projectiles and was worshiped by comparatively tiny people who wore blue clothes in his honor.

He’s pretty much the uber yeti. All of the other yetis look at Blizzard and only wish they had his style. He shot ice. He beat up dragons. He had an edible fan club. Plus, no matter how rotten he acted, everyone remained convinced that he was a good guy. Behind closed doors, the Wampa seethes.

Yeti Video of Interest: Someone on YouTube compiled a video of Blizzard’s best moves.

#5: THE YETI! (Expedition Everest, a Walt Disney World attraction)

Expedition Everest is the top attraction in WDW’s Animal Kingdom park – a towering, mountain-themed roller coaster that shoots you backwards and forwards, through tunnels, with all sorts of dips and stops that all serve as appetizers, leading up to the best main course ever: A gnarly, audio-animatronic yeti who comes this close to eating you.

It’s a great ride even without an abominable snowman, but factoring him in, it’s worth the seventeen mile line. Disney does a great job of making the yeti seem like a huge deal. Even when you’re nowhere near the coaster, ominous signs warn you of his presence. Then, if you survive the encounter, you’re shuffled directly into a gift shop that sells everything from yeti plushies to yeti backpacks.

Fun fact: The yeti was and probably still is broken, unable to do the massive movements that made him such a star when the ride first opened. Instead, when you reach him, strobe lights and artificial winds will help mask the fact that the yeti can’t do much on his own. Try not to notice. He’s still a cool monster.

Yeti Video of Interest: Here’s a video someone took of the entire Expedition Everest experience…back when the yeti actually did stuff.

#6: GREY GORILLAS! (Congo, 1995)

Okay, maybe I’m pushing the definition of “yeti” a little too far this time, but I can’t turn down an opportunity to reference Congo. One of my all-time favorite bad movies, this is an absolute feast of talking gorillas and sesame cake.

The “villains” of the film are a secret species of “grey” gorillas, who protect a cave filled with diamonds by absolutely tearing people apart. These gorillas have scarred and monstrous faces, and this paired with the right fur color makes them, at least on a stretch, yeti-esque.

Congo has its flaws, but it does a great job in building Grey Gorilla Suspense™. We start off with only the slightest glimpse, but by the movie’s climax, there are around 200 hundred of them, attacking everything in sight. These hardcore warriors wouldn’t even let laser fire halt their attempt to smash Tim Curry’s skull. I don’t see how creatures that badass and whitish grey could be anything but yetis.

Yeti Video of Interest: I have no idea.

#7: KIWA HIRSUTA! (Real life “yeti lobster!”)

Kiwa hirsuta is a recently discovered crustacean nicknamed “yeti lobster” (or “yeti crab”) for its lightly colored bristles, which resemble yeti fur. And also because nicknaming new crustaceans “yeti” is a good way to get press.

The idea that yetis would evolve into small lobsters has long been a theory of mine. God knows, hunters and thrillseekers have given the land versions enough grief. These have quickly replaced mantis shrimp as the sea creature I most want to own but never actually will.

Yeti Video of Interest: Sadly, video footage of Kiwa hirsuta is scarce. I had to settle for this.

Why am I writing about yetis now? I view X-E’s Christmas season as having vaguely defined parameters, and a creature who is most at home in a pile of snow certainly fits within them.

Besides, Bumble’s here!

This entry was posted in 2011 Christmas Season, General. Bookmark the permalink.

59 Responses to The 7 Best Yetis Ever.

  1. Ray Lukard says:

    I expected the crate monster from “Creepshow” to be on this list, though it might be a pseudo Yeti.

  2. Colleen says:

    I’m partial to bumble. I think because I associate yetis with Christmas. Scary yeti and christmas doesn’t get along well in my opinion LOL

  3. Skylynx says:

    Ray Lukard

    When I first watched creepshow I was just a youngin back in the 80’s. That one story out of the entire thing really set into my brain. Mostly because my brother told me that they had a Bigfoot in the box, then my dad saying it was a yeti, this escalated into an argument about whether a bigfoot or a yeti would in a fight. However, the point was there was a yeti/bigfoot in that movie, and at the time we lived in Alaska. There were local trappers who swore there was a yeti living near us, and it scared the ever loving shit out of me.

    So to answer your question, it’s 100% a yeti….or a bigfoot and it should have absolutely been on the list. He was one bad mofo who just wanted to kill that annoying woman and live in peace in his box.

  4. Matt says:

    I’m still more annoyed that I forgot the CYOA yeti, but yes, Creepshow also would’ve been good. Maybe a Part 2 next month?

  5. Teddy Ray says:

    Great list, although I agree with Brandon that the damn snowman from Monsters, Inc. should have been on the list with his yellow snowcones. “They’re lemon!!!”

    Oh, yeah, I called him the damn snowman. I picked that up from my soon to be ex-wife, who apparently, as a child, couldn’t pronounce…that long a-word that I don’t want to think about trying to spell at 1 in the morning. Anyway, she couldn’t pronounce it, so she just called it the damn snowman. Ta-da!

    I’m glad you’re happy to see me back, Jugendsehnsucht, even if you did more or less compare me to Fozzie Bear. It’s good to see you, too, my bearded friend. Wokka wokka.

  6. no, these children aren't french says:

    probably a yeti.

  7. Meg says:

    Oh my goodness Muzzy. I can say this whole commercial and I don’t speak French so I have no idea what I am saying beyond when they say “un deux toi”

  8. Free Tibet, eh? I’ll take it!

    This concludes today’s Daily Bad Joke.

  9. Alexander says:

    I usually try not to repost stuff out of the blue, but I don’t know the next time we will be discussing Christmas and Yetis in the same thread!

  10. Wardah says:

    Here is yet another Yeti.

  11. Jade says:

    The Bumble is best. Hands down. By the way, did you get my email, Matt? You never responded or anything.

  12. Terror Claws says:

    Wow, when did we bring up Muzzy? I haven’t thought of that in YEARS. Kind of surprised they aren’t still hawking it.

  13. Kapprika says:

    Wardah: I love Abbey! I’ve actually got the doll leaning against my computer speaker right here.

    When I first saw the Monster High dolls, I wasn’t that interested in them, and now I’ve got eight of them. :)

  14. Scott says:

    I agree with Bumble being number one on this countdown. I am however conflicted with the “remastering” of the star wars movies. I also remember Pluto exist.

  15. Berdo Rules! says:

    I was also wondering where the yeti was from Monster’s Inc. John Ratzenberger is the man.

    I unfortunately never had the chance to ride Expedition Everest yet so I never saw the yeti working. I think I heard in some podcast that the ride would have to close for an extended amount of time to fix him and the ride is too popular for that.

  16. Awesome List! I do agree with the others that Yeti from Monsters Inc is pretty rad. “WELCOME TO THE HIMALAYAS!”

  17. Bill says:

    I have #6 printed off and on my office wall. Gets a lot of questions.

    I still come back to this article you wrote, Matt, when I see, hear or think of The Wompa/Des Webb.

  18. Teddy Ray says:

    This has led me to do some research. Apparently, there is an abominable snowman in the Marvel Universe:

    Marvel has a couple of Yetis, too:

    Also, there was a Batman villain called Snowman that was the result of a yeti getting his freak on with a human lady:

  19. Bill says:

    Actually, come to think about it, our dog looks kind of like a Yeti. Hmmmm.

  20. Jason says:

    Awesome list! When I read the title, I automatically knew that you were going to included the horrible wrestler from back in the day. I always loved the ’80s and ’90s wrestling gimmicks. As you said, you don’t really see gimmicks these days, and that might be the reason I stopped watching wrestling almost a decade ago.

  21. Cameron T. says:

    Wow, Primal Rage. Haven’t thought of that game in years. I remember it was pretty popular for a while. I seem to remember always fighting as a dinosaur.

    The monster from Nightmare at 20k feet (the Twilight Zone Episode with Shatner) always reminds me of a Yeti.

  22. King JLA says:

    Speaking of Creepshow, it was playing on one of the Encore channels last night. Another Encore channel was showing “Tales from the Hood.” Must’ve been anthology weekend over there.

    I wish I had more to say about Yeti’s, but I guess I’m more of a Bigfoot guy.

  23. Eolra says:

    I’m partial to The Abominable Snowman from WB cartoons (who wants to hug him and pet him and squeeze him and name him George). Also, (nerd alert) I enjoy the sympathetic Yeti from Tintin in Tibet. I guess I like the softer side of monsters.

  24. Reesie says:

    My favorite Yeti is Spock’s pet salot from Star Trek: The Animated Series.

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