Man, this is one mother of an ugly Christmas design. I'm allowed to say that, since I made it.

It wasn't lost on me. Even as I was enduring the 400 step process involved with activating the design, I knew it was rotten. I've been sitting on it for the past two days, weighing the pros and cons. Redo from scratch, or roll with it to avoid X-E looking like a Halloween site for half of November? I went with Option 2.

"Christmas itself is cheesy and ugly," I told myself. "Besides, you care more about this than anyone else will." Probably true. "When you talk to yourself, you sound strangely Egyptian." That, I disagreed with.

Every year, I bust out the on-site Christmas celebration in early November, and every year, someone complains that I'm skipping Thanksgiving. I have several points of rebuttal:

1. If X-E celebrates Halloween for two months, it's criminal to celebrate Christmas for just one.

2. Thanksgiving has become Mini-Christmas, anyway. It's all the same.

3. Web designs formulated around a Thanksgiving theme typically involve turkeys. I think people would get tired of looking at meat after a week tops.

So, I'm starting X-E's 2011 Christmas Season NOW. Early, ugly and often.

What's in store? An Advent Calendar starring talking toys that will serve as the premiere model for diminishing returns. Another Advent Calendar starring me in Halloween makeup. Random blog entries about candy and snow. Superfluous adjectives. Stuff.

I'm being coy. The truth is, I found some pretty great things to write about. You'll see. I'm trying to be patient, because after covering Halloween for so long, I need to remember that the Christmas phenomenon is different.

With Halloween, people are more into it at the start of the season, and completely done with it by the time it gets here. Christmas is the complete opposite. It has a distinct build and an inarguable payoff. If I blow my load now, people will be upset when all I have left to cover in late December is, I don't know, red and green candy sprinkles.

I should also mention to readers of other faiths that I consider "Christmas" a totally nondenominational word. Please, don't feel excluded. Trust me, very few of us string up gaudy garland and eat nut-covered port wine cheese balls and hope Christ appreciates it. This shit is for everyone.

I don't want to overplay my hand so early, but I think we're in for a fun ride. I know that some of you can't afford to make Christmas anything other than "a thing that happens." I don't only mean that financially. Most of you don't have time. Most of you have too many responsibilities. Most of you keep more active social lives than I do. I get that, but I hope X-E can help create a few moments where the holiday season is still what it used to be. What better way to do that than with Waiterbot and stories about Christmas Dots? Fuck me.

Now I'm just meandering. I'm writing as if I have a head cold. I don't, but tis the season.

It'd probably be for best if I ended here, but I can't, because there's a long stretch of Halloween that needs to be eradicated from the main page. The best way to do that is by writing one extremely long kickoff entry.

So, I'll dust off one of my yearly traditions right now. It's time for the damned Chia Pet.

I don't attract new readers. Not with these ugly site designs. I suspect that all of you know the deal. Every holiday season, I grow a Chia Pet.

Chia Pets and the holidays are absolutely connected. Though technically available all year, you're only sure to find Chia Pets at Christmastime. They're great gifts for people who will not judge you for the amount of thought you put into their presents. It's what kids give their grandpas, and vice versa. It beats a five dollar bill.

I've been making Chia Pets on X-E since 2007. I started with a bunny, then moved onto a tree, and in 2009, my Chia Turtle came to life. Last year, I settled for the Garfield Chia Pet, simply because it was the only one I could find.

I secretly hated that Garfield Chia Pet. It came in a pink box. It wasn't Christmassy at all.

Who will it be this year?

They call him Chia Guy. I call him a friend.

I can't believe I've waited this long to track Chia Guy down. Between the Easter Island influence and the free Chia playing cards, this marks the first time Joseph Enterprises developed a product with me specifically in mind. No denying it.

Let's start with the bonus playing cards. They're very small. They're more appropriate for cats than people. The irony is that cats can't play cards, and those who think they can owe punches to the velvet tapestries that told them so.

I threw the top of a pink Hi-Liter in for size reference. Perhaps a quarter would've been wiser. I'm broke.

The cards are adorned with Chia Pet icons. I admit that there would be a certain delight in winning a pot on a "straight flush to the Chia." It wouldn't make sense, but I'd say it anyway. "Pair of Chias." "Three beautiful Chias." "Chia House." People would throw chips in my pot just to make me stop saying "Chia."

Know what? I wouldn't.

Chia Guy is beautiful, even without the green. To tell you the truth, I was tempted to leave him that way. If you've read my previous Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia adventures, you know how they usually turn out. I am many things, but a Master Chia Farmer is not one of them.

But there wouldn't be much to the story if I stopped here. I soaked the stupid head in water for an hour, and did the same to two teaspoons of official Chia Seeds. When it was time to go, I go'd.

It sounds easy, it looks easy, and I guess, technically, it is easy. I was still freaking out. I've made Chia Pets before, and most of them came out awful. One false move, and your Chia Pet will look like a diseased, thirty-year-old horse begging for the mercy blast. Getting the seeds on properly is an important step.

I took extra care. Made sure every groove was appropriately seedified. The amount of time I spent running my fingers over Chia Guy could be used against me in a court of law. I wasn't taking any chances.

This time, I even followed the directions. At least, I thought I did. When I finished fondling Chia Guy, I re-reviewed the instruction sheet...

Uh oh. "Take care not to clump seeds."

Why would they stick something so important at the bottom? I thought that was just part of the bullshit copyright section. Not only did I clump the seeds, but I was actively trying to clump the seeds. My impression was that more seeds equaled more chances at decent sprouts. The takeaway from this is to never assume anything.

Thing is, once you clump the seeds, you really can't unclump them.

Well, maybe you could, but to do so would involve more effort than anyone is willing to spend on a handmade decorative planter. Or maybe it's just me. You know those movie trailers that start with voice-overs posing questions like, "how far would YOU go?" I can never relate to the character who is about to go far.

Will it be a dealbreaker? Maybe. If Chia Guy ends up with bald patches, at least I got free playing cards.

It'll take a week or more for Chia Guy to go green. Until then, he'll sit near a window, loosely covered with a Ziploc bag to encourage adequate moisture levels. Bit of an eyesore, really. The payoff better be worth it.

I'll update you when it's time to update you. Now I have to go remove all of the stray pumpkins and ghosts still all over the site.

Merry Christmas! Get set. Get jolly. Get pine-scented candles.

PS: It looks like there's asparagus hanging down in that last photo. There isn't.