Hey, need a costume? The generous ghouls from HalloweenCostumes.com have put up a free costume (your choice, up to $75) for a contest of my choosing.

I say, let's make this an easy one. Click here to send me an e-mail (Make sure the subject line says "COSTUME CONTEST!") before 11:59 PM Tuesday, and consider yourself entered. UPDATE: The deadline has passed. Winner to be announced! I'll figure out some way to draw a winner randomly on Wednesday, so don't worry about it going to one of my friends. Because I don't have any.

I've seen this company all around the Internet horror circuit, and they're good folks with great stuff. And no, I'm not getting paid for this. They asked if I wanted to do it, and for this tiny bit of effort, one of you is getting a free look for Halloween. Simple as that!

Least I can do is make sure they're properly plugged: Visit HalloweenCostumes.com, because whether you win or lose this contest (and face it, you'll probably lose), it's an excellent place to find masks and gloves and photos of Slave Leia variants.

On with the show!

Halloween Crunch is back, and it's...technically the same as it always is, unless you count the updated box art. And you should, because it's terrific box art. Maybe the best yet.

It's just so gloomy. Even within special Halloween edition cereals, it's rare to see the box art enter such gothic territory.

Don't you understand the level of restraint Quaker Oats' artists had to endure to make a box this dark and brownish? Every impulse told them to go heavy on the bright oranges and neon greens. All precedent dictated that they weren't "finished" until cartoon ghosts with smiles as big as their heads were slapped on there. I love that they didn't do it. I love such stupid things.

Here, proof! Take a look at the 2009 version of the box, which is so comparatively goofy that I now hate myself for ever liking it.

Yeah, in case you couldn't tell, I'm banking on the artist behind this year's box Googling his work, finding X-E and contacting me. It's proximity to fame that carries me through, you see. It's why I keep Kamala and the woman who played Seinfeld's mother on my buddylist. They never answer my messages.

Since the cereal itself is unchanged, I probably don't need to review it again. BUT I WILL.

Basically, it's regular Cap'n Crunch with ghost-shaped Crunchberries thrown in. Thing is, they look nothing like ghosts, more closely resembling cysts than haunted spirits. But then, a cereal with crunchy cysts is undeniably Halloweeny.

If cysts seem like a stretch to you, at least admit that they look more like whales than ghosts. I won't admit it, because whales aren't the least bit Halloweeny. To admit it would crush the fragile construct that is my reality.

Like previous editions, 2011's Halloween Crunch has a gimmick fresh out of Great Bluedini Academy. Those ghosts aren't just there to look like cysts. They're also there to turn milk green!

Actually, they turn any liquid green, including water. This was fortuitous, because the last time I allowed milk into my apartment was fuggggin neeeevaaaahhh. That vile concoction is only acceptable when mixed with ten other ingredients to form something totally unlike milk. I've occasionally purchased milk to take proper cereal photos, but I'm putting my foot down. No more milk on X-E.

The red ghosts have dried bits of green dye hidden inside, which explode when wet and turn everything around them that same color. It's a neat trick, but by now you're wondering if there's any real point to this article, because outside the box art, you've heard this story before.

Well, yeah, there is a point. I'm just burying it, out of sheer habit. Once we get to the back of the box, the point of this article is made clear.

Gone are yesteryear's word searches and crossword puzzles, gleefully replaced by "Cap'n Crunch's Pumpkin Template." Oh, this will do nicely. My own Cap'n Crunch jack o' lantern! It isn't what I always wanted, but that's only because I was too uncreative to wish for it.

Yeah, we're going to make this.

It wouldn't be easy, though. I had to cut out the back of the box, scan it, resize it, print it, tape it to a pumpkin, and then do that entire process three more times because I kept printing patterns that were too large for my pumpkin. But nothing as game-changing as a Cap'n Crunch jack o' lantern comes easy.

I'm not very good with pumpkin patterns, and I'm especially "not very good" with pumpkin patterns cut from the backs of cereal boxes. My old "Trix o' Lantern" proved this.

There were directions, and I thought I was following them. In retrospect, it's clear that I was not. I concede that I may have been digesting the key phrases and disregarding what I took to be pointless minutia, but I still don't know how I went so wrong, so fast.

So, as I describe this process to you, know that it isn't the real process. It's my version of the process, which involved stabbing a pumpkin ten thousand times with a letter opener.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

When I got up to the serious cutting, I was completely out of my league. Nothing made sense. I had a pumpkin with ten thousand wounds, forming a shape that not even barely resembled Cap'n Crunch. What was I supposed to do with this? If this year's Halloween Crunch has one fault, it's the lack of an 800 number for pumpkin assistance. I bet such a hotline would play awesome music when you're on hold.

I did what I could, but once large chunks Cap'n Crunch's face started falling off, I had to throw in the towel. I can deal with a junky pumpkin, but if this thing broke, you would've heard my screams. I don't care if you live in a jar, inside another jar, underwater, in a secret pool on Mars. You would've heard them. Think "falsetto."

I see Andromeda, or maybe a monkey, but no Cap'n Crunch. Oh well. Even if my jack o' lantern didn't come out right, the thirty-seven seconds I spent carving it was still a blast.

All told and all in, A+ on this crazy Crunch. Let's review: Spooky gothic box, cysts that turn liquids green, and the invitation to carve a malformed gorilla into a pumpkin. Never before has breakfast been such an event. This is one of those "little things" that can make anyone's Halloween season really feel like the Halloween season.

And just because I don't want to waste the photo, here's the Halloween Crunch store display at Walmart:

Unseen is some strange old lady who was positively determined to watch me take this photo.

I know taking photos in Walmart is unusual, but come on. She was giving me the kind of look typically reserved for those viewing a criminal act involving fire and cats. I told her that if she needed a friend, don't look to a stranger. Then I stabbed her to death and spelled out more lyrics with her entrails.

Hey, my plot worked! I received an e-mail from Tony Cesare, a creative director at HuaGaard Creative, who had a hand in this year's Halloween Crunch box design! Here's what Tony had to say: "I'm not certain if contacting you will contribute to any 'fame' but I am the Creative Director for this year's Halloween Crunch packaging, along with an amazing artist named Chris Nolan. We are thrilled you liked the design! Your observations are spot on. Typically our Halloween Crunch packages (we do them all) trend toward fun and kid safe. I typically don't get an opportunity to work on this brand so when I did, I wanted to create a different feel, something atmospheric and gloomy, not quite as kid friendly. We were pleasantly surprised when the client chose it. We found your attempts at the Cap'n carving to be hilarious! A quick stop at the drug store for a pumpkin carving kit might help, then again even we realized that this carving would be a serious challenge! Thanks again for the kind words, always nice to have your efforts appreciated." Tony, Chris and I have become fast friends. We're going to the zoo today, we're going to the zoo.