Spookylicious Halloween Pop-Tarts!

Hell yes, they’re back. As you’ll remember from last year’s review, Halloween Pop-Tarts are amazing, incredible and other words that mean the same thing. I cannot summarize the Halloween season with food in any way better than this.

After spotting them, my excitement morphed into disappointment. They seemed to be the exact same Halloween Pop-Tarts we got last year. That’s fine for you, but not for the guy who really shouldn’t blog about the same Pop-Tarts twice. A closer inspection worked in my favor:

1) Last year’s version was called Choc-O-Lantern. This year, they’re Spookylicious.

2) Last year’s Tart-topping candy sprinkles included bats and ghosts. This year, it’s ghosts, spiders and little yellow moons.

Yes! This ain’t no repeat.

Course, a name swap and extra sprinkles doesn’t change much, so I draw the line at reexamining what they smell and taste like. What I’m really here to gush about is the cute recipe on the back of the box…

On last year’s box, we were encouraged to make an edible graveyard out of Pop-Tarts. This time, we’re given the recipe for Pop-Tarts Spooky Snacks. Nothing brings out the 4th grade baker in me faster than a goofy Halloween recipe. There was no way I wasn’t gonna make these.

…and I did. Last night, at like three in the morning. Whenever my chemical imbalances manifest in such a way that I can look at myself from the perspective of an unattached outsider, I feel pretty bad for me.

It took all of five seconds for me to see that these were going to be good. Aside from the Pop-Tarts, the ingredients consist of butter, peanut butter, powdered sugar and that’s it. The only way they’d come out bad was if an owl crashed through my kitchen window, spat a pellet into my mixing bowl and flew off without apologizing.

As usual, I took the spirit of the recipe but added my own twists, mainly because my twists made everything move faster.

I was supposed to use an electric mixer. I wasn’t sure if we had that, and I wasn’t keen on searching the pot-and-pan cabinets for one. I have never entered those cabinets without making more noise than Godzilla, and this was, after all, three in the freakin’ morning. For my version, a regular spoon would have to do.

Also, I was supposed to use powdered sugar. I think that’s the superfine kind that people toss on frozen grapes? We didn’t have that. We didn’t even have much regular sugar, so I was forced to make do with some packets leftover from our recent stay at the Marriot. (We took them home because the hand towels were gross. You don’t leave a hotel without stealing something.)

When you’re through mixing the various butters and sugar, you’re then instructed to roll tablespoons of the goo into mounds of crushed Spookylicious Pop-Tarts. It’s a disgusting process, and only the heavenly odor of sugary peanut butter reinforced that I was not actually changing the diaper of a child with psychotic diarrhea.

Basically, it’s like making meatballs.

When finished, you’re supposed to let them chill in the fridge for several hours. I’d normally skip that step, but since this was all happening at dawn, I figured, what the hey? Sleep was starting to sound even better than Spooky Snacks.

This morning, I got up earlier than I should have, overcome with the kind of excitement that could only stem from knowing you have Pop-Tarts Spooky Snacks waiting in the fridge. It was like Christmas, but retarded.

Before I could yank ’em out, I had another matter to attend to. The real reason I was so interested in this recipe was the cutout toothpick toppers on the back of the box. As if the treats weren’t going to look Halloweeny enough, now they’d get to have bat and spider pins stuck into them.

I was frenzied with joy, and could only compare the feeling to the one I get whenever they’re up to the church song scene in Big Momma’s House.

They’re amazing. Incredible. And other words like that.

I think I made them bigger than I was supposed to. The box said that the recipe was good for 24 Spooky Snacks, but I only ended up with seven. My defense is that peanut butter balls smothered in sugar, butter and chocolate fudge Pop-Tarts really can’t be too big.

As for the taste? They’re insanely good. It would be hard for them not to be, as each treat is roughly two pounds of fat and sugar condensed into an inch.

Some of you are probably wondering if Kellogg’s brought back Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts, too. They did, and I bought them. I won’t write about them now, for reasons that will be made clear in November. I’m sure you’re counting the minutes. Let’s hope no owls crash through your windows and start shouting random numbers just to throw you off.

Owls so rarely have good intentions.

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102 Responses to Spookylicious Halloween Pop-Tarts!

  1. Matt says:

    This thread doubles as an SNT, so have at it if you’re here.

    Thinking this will be a quiet day with Ghoulies II playing in the background.

  2. “The only way they’d come out bad was if an owl crashed through my kitchen window, spat a pellet into my mixing bowl and flew off without apologizing.”Matt
    That image elicited a legitimate chortle. 😆 I demand this be the subject of your next late-night facebook doodle.

    “Owls so rarely have good intentions.”Matt
    That’s because they aren’t what they seem.

  3. Guise says:

    “That’s because [the owls] aren’t what they seem.”

    Juggie, I love you, you deserve something special, I understand that gum you like is coming back in style.

  4. kittygirl says:

    This is an amazing, AMAZING post!! LOVE the Halloween themed special edition pop tarts and this just made my day with <3!!! Will be questing for these later today… oh and your "it was like Christmas but retarded" extra made my day into extra awesomeness!! I'm just gushing because Saturday has just been made amazing!

  5. spooky says:

    little supprised those taste good. I havent seen nearly any halloween branded typical grocery items yet. Found halloween oreo’s and chips ahoy (I think that’s the one). NO halloween Capt’n Crunch, no Halloween Jones soda.
    Finding the halloween pumpkin beers, that’s cool. Cant find Mountain Dew Pitch Black in anything but 20oz bottles at gas stations, though I saw a delivery vendor for the brand and she said they come in can cases. I think she’s mistaken and was thinking of Voltage. Silly lady.

  6. AJ says:

    just once i’d like to meet an owl that politely knocks on the door before ruining your day

  7. Shawn P. says:

    So if you eat all seven balls does that mean you’ve just downed an entire box of Pop Tarts at once? Also, it’s well known that Owls Are Assholes: http://www.theonion.com/articles/owls-are-assholes,9307/

  8. drew do says:

    spooky: I think you’re correct, Pitch Black is only in 20oz. I have yet to see it in a different form.

    So far it has been a decent day. Went Halloween shopping, didn’t find anything groundbreaking. Decorated the house a bit. It’s exciting, even the sunshine looks like fall sunshine now which is perfect for the Halloween Jukebox.

  9. brandmed says:

    I need to go to the grocery store and stock up on some Halloween-themed food items.

    Today has mostly been filled with procrastination. A few weeks ago, my colleagues bestowed upon me the honor of Teacher of the Year. I was greatly appreciative and still am…for the most part. I didn’t know then that in order to compete for the county TOTY, I had to do a bunch of work. I have to write all of these essays on current issues in education and why I’m awesome. I’ve put it all off as long as possible. It’s due next week so today has been spent sitting at the dining room table attempting to write about No Child Left Behind beyond the normal expletives I spew about it. I’ve drank several pots of coffee and played several bad movies in the background. Thinking about switching to horror movies. I’ve been watching movies I recorded from a free HBO preview weekend and I just reminded myself why I have not bothered to watch Spielberg’s “Always” since I was a kid. It sucks.

  10. brandmed says:

    I have a 12-pack of cans of Pitch Black in my fridge so it’s out there. I’ve actually found it in cans more than in the 20-oz. bottles.

  11. Stephanie says:

    Today at the Salvation Army I found a copy of More Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (y’know, the ones with the nightmare inducing illustrations). This is the second book, and I already have the first and third ones, so yay! Plus it looks brand new, which makes it even better. I might try to string it out so that I read one story a day leading up to Halloween.

  12. Muppet Baby says:

    I want Matt’s balls. Now!

    Yeah, I went there.

  13. Amy says:

    Jug and Guise, I love you both. I’d hug you, but sometimes my arms bend back.

    Those balls look like you’d need an entire gallon of milk to drink with them.

    I too have a 12 pack of cans of Pitch Black. My grocery store has a stack of them still. I’m probably the only one that buys them. I have 10 or ll left, but I’m trying to save them for after baby/closer to Halloween.

  14. Matt says:

    I didn’t even know the new Pitch Black came in cans. I’m going to explode if I can’t find them.

  15. cb says:

    “Whenever my chemical imbalances manifest in such a way that I can look at myself from the perspective of an unattached outsider, I feel pretty bad for me.”– this sums up my life! That’s why I stay as full of chemicals as I can.

    And now I want to make peanut butter pop-tart balls.

  16. Hoverbored says:

    Spooky- I’ve seen Pitch Black in 12-pack cans at the local Target, if it helps.

    The other night I was flipping through the channels (we have Verizon FIOS) and noticed that we started getting HBO and Cinemax for some reason. We didn’t buy a premium package, and to the best of my knowledge no one ordered them. I flipped around, and it was just those two channels (and their associated sub-channels). My guess is it was some sort of premium we didn’t know about, like that Epix free-view we had a couple weeks back. If these channels stick around for a while, I can safely say Fios rocks!

    In case you were wondering, I took the opportunity to watch… E.T. The best part was, it was the original version with the old special effects.

  17. Annette says:

    You can’t fool owls.

    These Pop Tart balls remind me of something my friend made one time. I think it was cream cheese and crushed-up Oreos, rolled into balls and dipped in white chocolate. Maybe it wasn’t cream cheese. I don’t know. But those things were good.

  18. Berdojuice says:

    Maybe Matt can get his cat to lick peanut butter off his balls.

    oohhhh, why did I go there?

    It’s one of those days.

  19. brandmed says:

    Hoverbored, I watched E.T. this morning on HBO Family too (well, I recorded it at some point yesterday). DirecTV was offering a free preview weekend for HBO and Cinemax and their related channels. It started Friday and runs through Monday.

  20. Magic T says:

    I haven’t seen Pitch Black in stores for a couple of months now, I think. When I first started to notice it back in very late May/early June I was going through a health kick and had all but cut out soda. That meant that I only bought one 12-pack. I’ve still got about 3 cans left in the basement fridge, but once they’re gone…

    Damn. Should have bought more when I had the chance.

  21. Hoverbored says:

    brandmed- That’s probably what it is, then. Verizon must be doing the same thing. It’s a bonanza if you’re into busty co-eds. Me…? I’m watching the Lost World.

    Have you guys noticed how incredibly dumb people act in these “when monsters/animals attack!” movies? TV Tropes even has a word for it: the “rule of stupid.”

    Man 1: My God! There’s a monster on the loose! And all we have to defend ourselves are these automatic rifles we never use for some reason! What do we do?

    Man 2: Scream and panic?

    Man #: Yes!

  22. GoatRoyale says:

    Picked some of these up the other day…just like last year, chocolate pop tarts simply don’t work as breakfast for me (chocolate cereal with ghost marshmallows, however, do – go figure.).

    Anyhow, I didn’t notice the spooky concoction on the back of the box until just now. I believe I shall try my hand at making theses little marvels later tonight – should go well with whatever low rent horror flick I’ll be half-watching on Netflix instant.

  23. Scott says:

    the baby excrement comment made me fall out of my chair. Like totally on the floor. I am glad that I am not the only one who has had thoughts like that.

  24. Jaynie says:

    This article again, just might be your best. From the owl comments to the Christmas comments…Just priceless.

    I know Pitch Black in the cans are still on the shelves down here in Pennsylvania. Hope you find them because they are clearly the best, ever.

    Thanks, Matt, for yet another article seeping with Halloween goodness. Looking forward to the next one.

  25. Palmerholic says:

    Spooky Pop Tarts? *drool!*
    I’ll be picking up a package.

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