You’ve probably noticed that I’ve been posting a lot.
I don’t want to overcomplicate my life. This is a simple site, and I’m a simple person. If I spot a relatively interesting new soda, there’s no reason to think it to death. Couple of pictures, couple of paragraphs, and I’m back to watching YouTube remixes of Obama’s pimp walk.
Today’s objet d’art is Citrus Blast, a new drinkable wonder boasting “100% natural flavors.”
It may be too Carlin-like to say it, but “100% natural flavors” means absolutely nothing. “Flavors” aren’t “ingredients,” and sure enough, the side panel lists everything from “Calcium Disodium EDTA” to “Glycerol Ester of Rosin.” Unless those are the bodies of dead Romans, I smell a rat.
Considering my issues with depth perception, I needed to take a step back to see that this actually wasn’t dishwashing soap. Come on, look at that label. It’s undeniably detergenty.
I’m convinced that the similarities were intentional, and that Citrus Blast’s makers, whoever they are, knew the truth. Secretly, everyone wants to drink dishwashing soap. Like Sterno and windshield wiper fluid, it’s a forbidden fruit.
Being the new kid in the soda aisle is scary, but Citrus Blast’s weirdly bright and too-simple label helps him to stand out. That label spoke to me, and I never buy citrussy sodas. I like my Dr Pepper, and he likes me.
Or at least, he used to like me, back before I started ditching him for other sodas just because they reminded me of Cascade.
Confession: I’m only posting this as an excuse to show off my new Tiki tumbler. Love it. It’s such a happy glass. The smile looks like a scored sausage.
No matter, because Citrus Blast really is worth telling you about. This stuff is GOOD. It isn’t like those other lemony-limey sodas. It doesn’t want to be Sprite or 7 Up. The flavor is more akin to lemon-doused tonic water, and if that sounds gross, it’s only because you’re crazy. Add some vodka, and you’ll look like my awesome Tiki glass.
Will Citrus Blast pass muster? Will it be here long enough to lose the big hairy “NEW!” flag from its label? That depends on me, you and anyone else willing to drop everything to champion its cause.
It is my greatest hope that even by the year 2065, Citrus Blast will still be around. I’d take my four-wheeled robot child to the floating supermarket, and we’d share a laugh about the soda who thinks he’s soap. Then we’d buy chocolate capicola. By then, they’d have that.