Discover the magic of 20-year-old Holiday Lucky Charms!

As I’m told, several readers have already begun their annual Christmas Crunch cereal hunts. These, naturally, will extend to any breakfast box filled with limited edition Santa marshmallows.

To date, it doesn’t seem that anyone has been successful. After all, it’s still early November. No reason to panic. I can’t remember a year going by without some highfalutin cereal company giving us our red and green glories. It’s just a matter of boring, painful patience.

Well, for you, it is. For me, it’s an excuse to weather the complicated unlocking process to my top secret all-steel vault, where I keep everything from social security cards to twenty-year-old sealed boxes of Christmas-themed cereals. Ahoy!

From 1991, it’s Holiday Lucky Charms! Though General Mills has more recently used the “Winter Lucky Charms” moniker, the concept has remained consistent: It’s Lucky Charms, with all of the usual marshmallow shapes replaced with things that make you want to sing carols and do good deeds.

What really separates the 1991 version from the kind you might find this year is the box design. I’m not sure if it’s fair to charge one single cereal box with summing up the entire “flavor” of my childhood Christmases, but this is coming pretty damn close. It’s simultaneously wholesome and gaudy, like all the best things were.

Absolutely love that sleek, deep Christmas green, and the red ribbon effect. As today’s holiday decorations experiment with less traditional colors and just grow more and more complicated, this design seems almost foreign. More things should look like this, even if they have nothing to do with Lucky Charms.

Also: Take a look at that old school, pre-makeover Lucky! He hadn’t yet found his attitudinal face or that wild, arms-flailing gallop, but his eyebrows were so much more caterpillar-like. In the great war of Lucky the Leprechauns, I think it’s a wash.

For cereal that’s older than some of you, it’s held up remarkably well. A few of the pieces look burnt, and the stench isn’t completely unlike a long dead elephant, but if I was really really hungry, maaaaybe.

I’ve fondled many cereals just as old as this one, so I’m all too familiar with the sad byproduct of ancient breakfast: The marshmallows tend to shrink and shrivel. Can’t blame them. They’re twenty-years-old. In marshmallow years, that’s gotta be 800. The next time I want to kill Jaden Smith, I’ll picture him rattling off that lame Yoda line to my old cereal box instead of Jackie Chan.

Starting at the upper-left and going clockwise: A candy cane, a Christmas star, an ornament, a Christmas tree, a stocking, and a bell. You probably could’ve figured that out yourself, but I worried about certain idiots confusing the ornament for a duplicated-but-sideways bell. It ain’t.

I think every cereal-eating 1991 child would’ve preferred a more literal “toy,” but the free, cutout gift tags aren’t bad. I especially like that they went with “to” and “from” instead of “dear” and “love.” I’ve always found the “love” on some gift tags to be aggressive and presumptuous. Can anyone say that they’ve truly loved everyone they’ve ever given a Christmas present to? Only the blind and hapless.

All of the gift tags feature Lucky. Sometimes he’s alone, and sometimes he’s with the kids. Sometimes he’s on a train, and sometimes he’s in a wreath, looking quite a bit like a dead deer head mounted on the wall. Whoever found the end of that rainbow gained some seriously impressive salvage rights.

The important thing is, all of the tags include Lucky. All except one. One tag just has the two pointless kids, rocking on a wooden horse. That’s the tag you use when wrapping a present for your least favorite person.

Also, is it just me, or is the entirety of the upper box copy just begging to be turned into a radio ad? G-get ready for Christmas with L-Lucky’s Ho-Ho-Holiday Cut-Outs! I wonder if Vince Curatola does voice-over.

Ugh. God. Want. The side panel’s recipe for MICROWAVE HOLIDAY BARS sounds easy and delicious, and if my Lucky Charms weren’t prehistoric, I would absolutely be making them right now. Wouldn’t call them MICROWAVE HOLIDAY BARS, though. No flair in that.

This isn’t the first time that I’ve unearthed ancient Holiday Lucky Charms. More proof that I’m cool. A few years ago, I wrote about the 1994 version, which came in a canister and had free Gummi Lifesavers. I don’t mean this only in terms of numerical sums, but 1994 > 1991.

If that doesn’t satisfy your quest to connect Lucky to Santa conclusively, in 2003, I wrote about then-new Winter Lucky Charms, which were less Catholic and more bluey.

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140 Responses to Discover the magic of 20-year-old Holiday Lucky Charms!

  1. Darth Galvatron says:

    Rev WTF??!?! Seriously…WTF!?!?!?!111?!?!?

    I thought my mom telling me her and my dad were going on “little honeymoons” together was bad….

    We need to change the conversation….FAST…I don’t like where this is going….

  2. Rev. Back It On Up 13 says:

    sorry Darth Galvatron. I know x-entertainment is a family restaurant and there’s no talking about blow jobs and viet nam in here. Just that whole memory of the snowstorm took me back in a traumatic way.

    I do not have a pierced tongue, by the way, but my entire back is heavily tattooed, and I will never show my grandmother on the grounds that she me begin speculating on what perversions would lead me to mark myself up in that area.

    Just remember – every time you’re doing the nasty…MY GRANDMOTHER KNOWS. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

  3. a2stylee says:

    John a friend of mine is a Polar Express fanatic like you. He got my husband into it too now. I don’t share the same ZOMG passion for it but I totally understand given all the Christmas ZOMGs I have.

    We picked up Gingerbread Pop Tarts at Target yesterday! I don’t even like gingerbread but it’s just so festive!

    Must start the outside Christmas decs…last year I won the decorating contest for the place we live in! ^_^

  4. Dan H says:

    @Rev Wow! I’ll never be able to do the nasty again without wondering if your grandma is watching me from the closet!

  5. Rev. Back It On Up 13 says:

    She is.

  6. Jerry Horror says:

    So yeah, I won the Splatterhouse contest (sneakers from Namco, a copy of the game and a t-shirt) via Facebook. As I wait, impatiently no less, I shall share a mini-story. Some creepy old lady that I work with (and strangely adore) made Luck Charms treats a week ago. They kind of kick ass. I in no way can consume Lucky Charms as an adult for breakfast. I could eat a philly cheesteak though at 6am, figure that out. Anyways, anyone ever try Fruity Pebbles treats?

  7. Man, how does a grandmother know about pierced tongues and blowjobs?

    I guess all those 70’s porn stars must be grandparents by now. I keep forgetting that I’m in my 30’s. lol

  8. Rev. Back It On Up 13 says:

    She saw it on fucking Ellen or some nonsense. “OOOOOOH WATCH OUT ABOUT YOUR GRANDCHILDREN’S TONGUES! they might be participating in sticky fumblings! Knobs are getting slobbed, and YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER IS ACTING LIKE THE TOWN CROTCH!”

    That’s when I get a phone call at work. When Ellen or Oprah or some granny-alarming hoser on TV gets my old people riled up about THE HIDDEN KILLER IN YOUR MEDICINE CABINET, or, CAN MOSQUITO BITES CAUSE RECTAL BLEEDING??? Hemp wearing hippies are fondling your pets! News at 11! Get nervous, Grandmother 13, your granddaughter might catch herpes from the stop button on the bus!

    It’s really no wonder that I am this way. It’s all genetic. I don’t have any kids but someday I’m going to be frantically calling SOMEBODY’S kids, warning them of the risk of hepatitis from unwashed Slurpee nozzles. If any of you need to be warned about anything, let me know, I’ll keep you on top of things.

  9. Angela says:

    The Christmas Crunch is sold on the military base in my town. I bought it right after halloween. Some delicious stuff!

  10. Dan H says:

    Damn hippies! Stay off my lawn and stay away from my dog!!

  11. Guise says:

    Thomas, I took plenty of photos, so for comparison think of the Macy’s parade with the city streets clambering up and giant balloons and dancers, celebrities waving, vibrant metropolis…Weston’s version, most of the photos have my neighbours shed in it, the donation van had the message in a very dull, bored voice “Please throw coins in to the buckets and not at people *sigh*” and most of the parade was pulled along by farm tractors…

  12. DrummerJay says:

    “Of course, you probably weren’t expecting a White Valentine’s Day but here it comes!”-BJ

    That is a funny sentence for those of us with sick minds.

  13. Dann says:

    Now I’m paranoid about Slurpee nozzles

  14. Rev. Back It On Up 13 says:

    Nozzles are in league with the terrorists. If you see a nozzle, say something.

  15. Teddy Ray says:

    I have literally laughed out loud several times while reading this thread. I love you guys. All of you. I just want to give you all a great big, long, awkward, bordering on uncomfortable hug.

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