…though I suppose all blood is technically edible. The banner likely should’ve went with the more specific and accurate description of “candy blood.” Stupid ugly banner.
We’ve seen it before, more than once, and truly, few things make Halloween more Halloweeny than blood-themed treats. Name another concoction that lets one feel like Dracula and Willy Wonka and an asshole simultaneously.
Today is a celebration of edible blood, henceforth known as an Edible Blood Celebration. Below are three types of edible blood…celebrated.
Juicy Oozers Gummy Skulls: These are from Black Forest, who finally live up to their spooky company name with a product that doesn’t involve friendly lemon bears who would much prefer celebrating less disgusting holidays.
Many retailers will throw Halloween candy at you, but only a select few will get everything right. Here, Black Forest has. If challenged to get through one full day without complaining, I would surround my entire field of vision with nothing but bags of Juicy Oozers Gummy Skulls.
I love the package’s take-no-prisoners black motif. The inclusion of MISTER SKULL, seen on the upper left, effectively transforms these into the most badass gummy candies in history. If a Hells Angel had to protect his image while still giving into secret yearnings for gummies, he’d have a Black Forest tattoo across his forehead within hours of finding these. I suspect this was the candy makers’ ultimate aim. Crackheads.
Each of the bone-colored gummy skulls hides a small reservoir of candy blood, and I wish I could say that about food products more often.
Look close and you’ll see that the gummy skulls are detailed to look precisely like MISTER SKULL from the packaging. Oh, yes. Christmas has Santa, and now, forevermore, Edible Blood Celebrations have MISTER SKULL.
Tru Blood Beverage: If I was a fifteen-year-old girl, X-E would be a Jessica & Hoyt fansite. I am an unabashed True Blood fan. If you’ve never seen the show, the general plot is this: Thanks to a type of synthetic blood — “Tru Blood” — vampires have stepped out of the shadows and made their existence publicly known, promising that they no longer need humans for sustenance. But it’s really more about everyone having sex constantly.
Since True Blood fans are rabid, HBO was smart to release this nearly titular tie-in product, which isn’t really synthetic blood, of course, but a carbonated, orangey soda that somehow tastes exactly like Sierra Mist Cranberry Splash.
The bottles have a series-faithful design, right down to the extra thick necks. It’s a good thing that they’re so top notch, because HBO charges $16 + $8 shipping for four of them. Would anyone pay $24 for 56 ounces of orange soda if it didn’t come in great bottles?
Vampire’s Blood Spray: The official description, from the label: “Sour spray candy with light.” Sounds foreign, but in the good, exotic kind of way.
It’s a vial of blood, only the vial isn’t really vial-shaped, and the blood is actually just haphazardly sour candy. The candy is very sour but also very good, tasting like a saltier version of dental fluoride. Edible Blood Celebrations typically come with a lesson learned, and I guess that was this year’s: Salty fluoride is yummy.
For reasons I dare not explore, the screw-off bottoms double as miniature flashlights. I bought two of these, and neither of my miniature flashlights work. I don’t think it has anything to do with simple dead batteries, because the entire button mechanism looks mutated and broken. It’s a good thing that I was unable to muster much excitement for a flashlight the size of a matchhead, or our Edible Blood Celebration may have ended in fiasco.
Incredibly, this bloody Binaca comes with an expiration date: August 27th, 2011. Meaning, I have to wait eleven whole months to turn strawberry-flavored sour spray into a suicidal gesture. Only then can I manipulate someone into loving me.