X-E loves edible blood.

…though I suppose all blood is technically edible. The banner likely should’ve went with the more specific and accurate description of “candy blood.” Stupid ugly banner.

We’ve seen it before, more than once, and truly, few things make Halloween more Halloweeny than blood-themed treats. Name another concoction that lets one feel like Dracula and Willy Wonka and an asshole simultaneously.

Today is a celebration of edible blood, henceforth known as an Edible Blood Celebration. Below are three types of edible blood…celebrated.

Juicy Oozers Gummy Skulls: These are from Black Forest, who finally live up to their spooky company name with a product that doesn’t involve friendly lemon bears who would much prefer celebrating less disgusting holidays.

Many retailers will throw Halloween candy at you, but only a select few will get everything right. Here, Black Forest has. If challenged to get through one full day without complaining, I would surround my entire field of vision with nothing but bags of Juicy Oozers Gummy Skulls.

I love the package’s take-no-prisoners black motif. The inclusion of MISTER SKULL, seen on the upper left, effectively transforms these into the most badass gummy candies in history. If a Hells Angel had to protect his image while still giving into secret yearnings for gummies, he’d have a Black Forest tattoo across his forehead within hours of finding these. I suspect this was the candy makers’ ultimate aim. Crackheads.

Each of the bone-colored gummy skulls hides a small reservoir of candy blood, and I wish I could say that about food products more often.

Look close and you’ll see that the gummy skulls are detailed to look precisely like MISTER SKULL from the packaging. Oh, yes. Christmas has Santa, and now, forevermore, Edible Blood Celebrations have MISTER SKULL.

Tru Blood Beverage: If I was a fifteen-year-old girl, X-E would be a Jessica & Hoyt fansite. I am an unabashed True Blood fan. If you’ve never seen the show, the general plot is this: Thanks to a type of synthetic blood — “Tru Blood” — vampires have stepped out of the shadows and made their existence publicly known, promising that they no longer need humans for sustenance. But it’s really more about everyone having sex constantly.

Since True Blood fans are rabid, HBO was smart to release this nearly titular tie-in product, which isn’t really synthetic blood, of course, but a carbonated, orangey soda that somehow tastes exactly like Sierra Mist Cranberry Splash.

The bottles have a series-faithful design, right down to the extra thick necks. It’s a good thing that they’re so top notch, because HBO charges $16 + $8 shipping for four of them. Would anyone pay $24 for 56 ounces of orange soda if it didn’t come in great bottles?

Vampire’s Blood Spray: The official description, from the label: “Sour spray candy with light.” Sounds foreign, but in the good, exotic kind of way.

It’s a vial of blood, only the vial isn’t really vial-shaped, and the blood is actually just haphazardly sour candy. The candy is very sour but also very good, tasting like a saltier version of dental fluoride. Edible Blood Celebrations typically come with a lesson learned, and I guess that was this year’s: Salty fluoride is yummy.

For reasons I dare not explore, the screw-off bottoms double as miniature flashlights. I bought two of these, and neither of my miniature flashlights work. I don’t think it has anything to do with simple dead batteries, because the entire button mechanism looks mutated and broken. It’s a good thing that I was unable to muster much excitement for a flashlight the size of a matchhead, or our Edible Blood Celebration may have ended in fiasco.

Incredibly, this bloody Binaca comes with an expiration date: August 27th, 2011. Meaning, I have to wait eleven whole months to turn strawberry-flavored sour spray into a suicidal gesture. Only then can I manipulate someone into loving me.

69 thoughts on “X-E loves edible blood.

  1. CMJ

    Ooh, really. King JLA I love all pumkin things too (except for some pumpkin fritters I had recently, but they tasted way too much like curry and overpowered the pumpkin). I assume my attraction to pumpkin stems from beiung born on Halloween and it’s in my genetic makeup.

    Anyway, I started wondering one day why there isn’t pumpkin juice, like in Harry Potter, and someone said, well, it’s so bland. Yes, I suppose pumpkin directly from the gourd is relatively bland, but with spices it’s enhanced into something great. I’m about to re-rder pumkin spice K-Cups for my Keurig brewer. I have to get enough to last a year since it’s seasonal, as most pumpkin stuff is.

    Speaking of Harry Potter and beverages, I hear the butter beer they sell in the new Harry Potter theme park in Florida is very good. Kind of like carbonated butterscotch shortbread.

  2. J Thunder

    By the way, I’ve been reading X-E ever since I discovered the Mordak article several years back, and this is my first (well, second, see above)ever post. I too love Matt, although not to the extent of the good Rev!! Not that there’s anything wrong with out-and-out creepiness!!!! Keep up the good work, dude. You make me remember a time when all was right with the world. Whenever being a “grown-up’ takes its toll on me, I can always count on you for a Zelda commercial, or a Mickey-D’s placemat, Or an ad for WWF ice cream bars!! Well done, man!

  3. drew do

    Bill: I don’t remember exactly what I wrote but I highly recommend any and all beers from New Belgium Brewery. They are all great, and Fat Tire (in the pic you posted) is the flagship from them. We used to go to all the Fort Collins breweries (There were 4 or 5 including New Belgium) because they all did free tastings and you could have a great day biking between them. Really, if you can get you hands on it my favorite beer is called Levity from Fort Collins Brewery.

    CMJ: Liquid shortbread/butterscotch sounds absolutely revolting to me. Am I the only one?

  4. ULTRAMAN

    I’ve officially started decorating for Halloween. Nothing to fancy, just spider webs here, a couple skulls there and a bone or three over there lol. It was fun. I’ll bring out the big stuff this weekend probably. I’ll probably swing by my local Candy Store , Walgreens and CVS tomorrow to find these skull candies.

  5. King JLA

    I actually liked the Holiday Spice soda, but oh well.

    But I definately loved the Mountain Dew Pitch Black’s that MD did for a couple of Halloween’s, especially the sweet and sour second version.

  6. Rev. Back It On Up 13

    Damn, I have a new tagline now.

    “Rev. Back It On Up 13: Not That There’s Anything Wrong with Out-and-Out Creepiness.”

  7. Palmerholic

    True Blood? Really now, all the cool kids love Daybreakers. I’d much rather have campy villain Sam Neill lusting after my blood!

  8. Muppet Baby

    Damn— wish I had gotten here for the ‘strange CDs you’ve owned’ thread. I not only owned, but PLAYED THE SHIT OUT OF the soundtrack to the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Movie. And I wasn’t 12 at the time. I was like 16. ‘Sensurround’ is still one of my favorite songs.

  9. Amy

    These look delicious and all, but I think what we really need is updated pictures of Matt biting blood capsules and looking revolted at the taste.

  10. Daniel L.

    @Amy

    Yes. This Halloween definitely needs at least one photo of Matt being amazed by something of the Halloween Variety.

  11. Hoverbored

    Muppet Baby, I was a bit late to that thread, too. I remember that song. They Might Be Giants are a very distinctive band.

  12. starwenn

    I did put up the general fall decorations last week, but I’m going to hold off on the Halloween stuff until we get closer to October. It still feels too much like summer here, no matter what the calender says.

    I’m not a big fan of gummy anything…but those skulls look almost good.

  13. CMJ

    drew do It may well be revolting, and I’m not a big shortbread fan. But I suspect if anything, it’s probably just too sweet. But on the other hand if it’s only lightly favoured and is sort of salty-sweet, it might be good.

  14. Matt Post author

    Random OCD memory for me, later: Switched the order of the gummy skulls and the Tru Blood, because I didn’t like the way the Tru Blood looked on the blog’s main page. The photo isn’t blurry, but it’s got kind of a weird over-sharpened feel that drove my eyes mad. So, yeah, when I stumble upon this entry in 2017 and distinctly remember the edible blood items being ordered differently, this is why.

  15. Louie Quevedo

    I noticed this change and went straight to the comments to see if Matt mentioned the change, just to make sure I wasn’t going mad. When you’re an obsessed fan to a website like this, you have to keep track of your mind to know exactly when you went insane. Not quite there yet… but soon…

  16. Morfnblorsh

    Rev. Back It On Up 13:

    I was just keeping to myself more, really. I didn’t go anywhere.

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