Finally, finally! I can’t believe how long we’ve waited for Kellogg’s to make Halloween Pop-Tarts. Years! Years of wondering why they would continually forgo such an easy and golden opportunity to endear themselves to every spooky enthusiast in the nation. It was so senseless!
Kellogg’s is making their mea culpa in a big way. They’re taking the sting out those many Halloween Pop-Tartsless years with not one, but two new autumnal varieties! Choc-o-Lantern and Frosted Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts have arrived!
They didn’t skimp on the box art, either. No, Kellogg’s fully understands that those of us who can achieve orgasm through holiday-inspired box art may be in the minority, but we’re a loud and vocal minority. I could help illustrate this by WRITING THE REST OF THIS IN ALL CAPS, BUT THEN I’D REMIND MYSELF OF THE MANY E-MAILS MY COMPUTER ILLITERATE AUNT, WHO I HATE, MASS SENDS TO THE REST OF THE FAMILY WHENEVER SHE NEEDS TO BORROW A VACUUM CLEANER OR SOMETHING. So no caps.
Choc-o-Lantern’s box, with its black-as-night motif and anthropomorphic trees, leans more to the “Halloween” side than Frosted Pumpkin Pie’s box, which only vies to be fall-y. I love them both equally. I say this because I tend to write these reviews in a way that lends sentience to inanimate supermarket products, and within that, I fear that the Frosted Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts will sprout eyes, hop on MY AUNT’S COMPUTER and learn that I actually like Choc-o-Lantern’s box much better. Dead leaves versus trees that the ambitiously wicked could have staring contests with? Jacob’s latter, bro.
On the left, Choc-o-Lantern, a rectangular, fudge-filled pastry topped by a streak of orange alien blood and tiny-sized bats and ghosts. Many of these bat and ghost sprinkles will arrive halved, giving the landscape a sort of post-warzone feel. I’m not sure who won the Great Battle of 2010 between bats and ghosts, but against the final army that is my teeth, victory shall not be easily duplicated.
On the right, Frosted Pumpkin Pie, which is much friendlier on the whole, right down to the grandmother-colored pastry dough. On top of that dough is a sheet of safe white frosting, topped by gregarious sprinkles. Everything about Frosted Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts is friendly.
In terms of flavor, well, that’s subjective. I feel like I have to say that, because after awarding Choc-o-Lantern Pop-Tarts victories both in package art and overall product appearance, it seems boring to give them the obvious landslide.
Both new varieties come with various recipes and activity suggestions on the box-backs, but Choc-o-Lantern’s (of course) was impossible to resist. Truth be known, it’s impossible to pass on making a Pop-Tarts graveyard when urged to, because it just isn’t the kind of thing that you’d ever do if you weren’t urged to.
One pathetic trip to Pathmark for pudding and frosting later, and there I was, taking pictures of an edible graveyard on my back deck.
I learned many things while preparing my Pop-Tarts graveyard. First and foremost, I had no idea how easily Pop-Tarts could be reshaped with scissors. When the box instructed me to break Pop-Tarts in half and trim the tops into the loose shapes of tombstones, I was skeptical. I thought this was just the latest set of directions to totally make up random shit, its writers banking on the notion that nobody would actually go through with making Pop-Tarts graveyards. I was wrong and I apologize to the crafty geniuses who developed this.
I also learned that mashing up Pop-Tarts to serve as finely crumbled graveyard dirt is a messy affair, and that my fingerprints will be muddied by traces of fudge for at least 2-3 weeks, depending on water pressure. Underneath the fudge floor is a sea of chocolate pudding, which doubles nicely as edible cement to keep your Pop-Tombstones in place.
I’m sure I learned other things as well, because the two things I listed don’t really cut it as “many things.” Let’s assume that I learned three more things, and that they aren’t interesting enough to discuss.
As for the Halloween Pop-Tarts: Thank you, Kellogg’s. Finally.
It isn’t easy to predict how your personal Halloween season will go, but man, I’m only in its waking hours, and I’ve already had the opportunity to make a cemetery out of breakfast pastries. Good sign. Good Tarts.
PS: The Frosted Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts are actually meant to represent Thanksgiving. I’m well aware. I’ve decided to be willfully wrong, as I think it’s cooler to have two different types of Halloween Pop-Tarts than one Halloween Pop-Tart and one Thanksgiving Pop-Tart. Could be regretful come November, but the half-opaque imp who serves as my spiritual guide advises that I live in the now.