Wheee, it's Friday the 13th! Today, you're instructed to drop everything and watch Jason slash his way through a dozen deadly theatrical opuses, each one more opusey than the last. Decades ago, Friday the 13th was merely a 24 hour period that you wouldn't attempt jet skiing or anything involving parachutes during. Now it belongs to Jason. It's all his. And it should say so on the calendar that the Chinese restaurant always gives me when I spend more than fifteen bucks.

I've written about Jason's adventures many times on the site, and though I'd prefer you to watch his movies rather than read about them, I must consider the off chance that one of you suffers from an annoying and rare type of selective blindness that allows you to read things but not watch movies. Below, X-E's collection of Friday the 13th crud:

Ridiculously, I can't find any networks running a F13 marathon tonight. There are rumors that some of you are going to watch Jason Takes Manhattan shortly and turn the comments section into an ongoing commentary on the film. I hope this is true, but if not, you're all demanded to seek out and watch at least one of the F13 movies tonight. If you don't, you're not allowed on X-E anymore.

Today's post was originally going to be about fingerpainting. I was worried about doing something on fingerpainting so close to a crafty Play-Doh article, as it might have inferred that X-E was mutating into a benign guide to surviving the perils of babysitting. On the other hand, I really wanted to fingerpaint today.

I remember fingerpainting as a child, vaguely. It doesn't hold up to the rosy memories, probably because kids don't worry about ruining expensive pants or tablecloths. With my paper plate palette and whatever artistic vision I could muster, my hands went in and looked all clowny.

My interpretation of Pamela Voorhees's severed head complete, it's obvious that the only reason my shit ain't hanging in the Guggenheim Museum is because the people running it are serpentine clods.

And if you think the big reveal that I was actually painting something F13-related was something, wait until I completely switch topics and write about Pop-Tarts.

Finding summery stuff to write about is a struggle, which is why I never promise nothing but summer-related articles during these Megaparties. I do keep summer in mind as a general theme, though. Here, I guess I felt that white and red pinstripes were somehow seasonal. Or maybe it's the fact that these Pop-Tarts want to be ice cream.

From the Pop-Tarts "Ice Cream Shoppe," it's two hot/cold breakfast sensations guaranteed to taste like whatever flavor you dream about whenever a Friendly's commercial interrupts your asinine TBS reruns. "Hot Fudge Sundae" and "Ice Cream Sandwich" are the two varieties I found. There may be others, but it's hard to imagine that there are that many kinds of ice cream-themed Pop Tarts. The world is crazy, not perfect.

The "Ice Cream Sandwich" Pop-Tart, shown left, is fighting an uphill battle. I'd almost always prefer an ice cream sandwich over a messy sundae, but there's no denying that the "Hot Fudge Sundae" Pop-Tart looks to be eight times more of a party. I feel like I wouldn't be able to eat that thing without a jazz band blaring saints-related songs within three feet of me.

Distinct monikers aside, both flavors taste almost exactly the same. If you've long wished for Pop-Tarts that taste like ice cream, I must sadly report that these do not. However, the smell, mouthfeel and flavor is eerily reminiscent of Count Chocula, and I'd rather have Count Chocula Pop-Tarts anyway. And not just because it's Friday the 13th and it'd be kinda thematic.