I like living under the belief that everyone, everywhere has a junk drawer in their kitchen. You know the kind. These drawers, lacking any one dedicated storage use, evolve into the twisted, foreboding collectors of inanimate souls from all walks of life. Pens, batteries, loose change, mystery keys, or in my case, I don't know what the fuck.

Over the years, our junk drawer has transformed from a benign collection of potentially-useful things into a legendary heap of dusty pain. How some of the drawer's contents got there, I cannot explain. Headless Easter bunny statuettes and instruction manuals for devices we've never owned far outnumber anything that might be described as a "keeper," and the crud collection has grown so enormous that we've been unable to properly close the drawer for several months.

I decided that it was time to see what we actually had in there.

Some of the stuff was fine. On a stretch, I could justify the many dried-up markers, pennies and near-dead rolls of masking tape. Still, in far larger quantities was an esoteric group of items that I do not remember ever owning, much less wanting to save. Highlights below!

Dead "AA" Batteries: In my many years spent with various digital cameras, I've very rarely bothered with rechargeable batteries. Thus, the deaths of nearly seventeen thousand "AA" batteries can be directly attributed to me. But I'm a battery brand whore, and I have no idea how to explain this particular bunch. Check out Battery #3, with the ancient Eveready "cat" logo. I swear it has to be twenty-years-old. How did I get that, and why did we save it? Most of these don't even look real, seeming more like movie prop batteries implemented by directors who refused to provide mighty Duracell with free advertising.

Bakery String: You've all seen this sort of string, right? The kind that bakeries use to tie up boxes of cookies? As a child, I was enamored with this string, often using it as makeshift climbing equipment for my action figures. Now? No idea why I'd ever need bakery string, but there it is, in such insane volume that I'm certain I could use it to bind a Teumessian fox to my living room recliner.

Vintage Headless Vader in Neo-Classic Endor Fatigues: I guess I was seriously into crack at some point. Here, a vintage Kenner Darth Vader, missing his cape and lightsaber and head, finds himself redressed in a late '90s Han Solo figure's Endor trenchcoat. While the mangled toy does convey some sense of fringey artistic quality, I'm mainly just pissed that I can't find Vader's head.

I Have No Idea What This Thing Is Or Does: Our junk drawer is full of little gadgets and weird electronic things of no discernible origin. This is just one of many examples. I feel like this particular item's secret origin is on the tip of my tongue, but I'm not quite getting there. Can anyone help me ID?

World's Worst Sunglasses: These sunglasses are only large enough for a toddler to wear, though the toddler would need to be pretty apathetic about fashion. The amazing thing is that these bulky glasses have been the chief reason why we could never open or close the junk drawer correctly, and yet, for all of this time, neither of us would bite the bullet and throw 'em away. My heart wants to believe that fate is at play, and that these tiny, ugly, scratchy sunglasses will ultimately play a part in saving the universe as we know it.

Rock Pencil: Yes yes yes! I can't believe I still have this! For those unaware, rock pencils are amazing writing utensils most typically found in museum gift shops, where the eraser-side halves are replaced by hollow tubes stuffed with semi-precious stones. Having spent the majority of my life as a boring prick, I used to absolutely live for these pencils. Every time there was a school trip to a museum, I'd buy five of them. As a kid, it never occurred to me that shiny rocks found in $2 pencils could not possibly be worth millions of dollars. I'd see all of these jewel-encrusted rings and necklaces, and swear that I had the same deal going in my pencils back home.

If you've got a junk drawer, scope it out, and report your findings in the comments.