Over the ground, there’s a mantle of white. Something something. Merry Christmas.

Indeed, X-E’s 2009 Christmas Season has begun! Is it wrong that I’m already depressed that it’ll be over in 25 days?

We’ve got our radio tuned to the all-Christmas station, and hints of gaudy, snowy baubles peppering the apartment like a growing infestation of magical holiday ants. Lots of cheap wine, too.

I’ve cleared as much of my work schedule as possible, which should leave ample time for pine scents (actual and fabricated), tinsel, and those awesome bags of all red-and-green peanut M&M’s. I’m stoked. Beyond stoked.

As for what’s in store for X-E this month: Hopefully a barrage of bullshit. 25 days isn’t a lot of time, especially considering that I gave Halloween almost two full months of coverage. Christmas deserves 5x more attention than Halloween, so I’ll do my best to ensure a steady flow of ho ho ho.

Remember to share stories about your own ongoing holiday celebrations in the comments section. Don’t worry about being trivial. Any person who can deal with X-Entertainment at this time of year is exactly the type of person who wants to read about total strangers drinking eggnog and ordering presents from Amazon.

The Advent Calendar has begun, too! Vegas odds strongly favor me not finishing it, because not all holiday traditions are good ones. But, Christmas is a time for miracles, so don’t count me out yet. PS, if you’re confused by today’s entry, I’d suspect that you missed the crazy June update to the 2008 Calendar.

Now, onto the true meat of the season: Overpriced happy junk!

Uncle Louis fans, today is your day: There’s a new pair of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation “Ultimate Collector’s Edition” DVDs out now, for both standard and Blu-ray players. (The Blu-ray edition costs about ten bucks more. I don’t have a Blu-ray player, but I bought that version anyway. You’ll learn why in a minute.)

You’re going to want this, and not just because it comes in a neat, Chevy-drenched tin. Trust me, Christmas Vacation fans would be buying these even if there were no DVDs inside.

It isn’t totally unusual for overpriced re-releases to come with some kind of freebie, but this one comes with EIGHT of them. And they’re incredible! Suffice to say, I would’ve bought everything in this tin separately at full retail.

Your Christmas bonuses will include:

• Four Christmas Vacation drink coasters, including one that’s Aunt Bethany-themed. The fact that I now own an Aunt Bethany-themed anything is enough to ensure that the 2009 Christmas season has nowhere to go but down.
• An “I Survived a Griswold Family Christmas” button, complete with Wally World moose photo.
• A Wally World Santa cap, one size fits all. I’ll give you one guess where the hat is now. Give up?
• A package of “Instant Snow,” which works exactly like the kind I reviewed back in 2007. I cannot believe that my DVD came with instant snow. Cannot.

…and there’s one final collectible, but before I show it to you, I demand the same kind of tongue-flicking drumroll that Clark demanded from his hemorrhoid-having mother-in-law before the Great Christmas Light Faux Pas of 1989.

Oh, hell yes. It’s a miniature replica of those godlike MOOSE MUGS! While fringe entrepreneurs have made a small fortune selling the real deals, this cute, tiny, plastic version is officially licensed, and officially the most wonderful thing that I could ever potentially fit in my mouth.

Here’s the catch: The miniature moose mugs only come with the Blu-ray versions of the set. If you go for the Standard Ultimate Collector’s Edition, you’re not only entering a slippery slope of oxymora, but you’re depriving yourself of the greatest tiny glass ever. I’ve been slow to join the ranks of the Blu-ray army, but now I will, and I have a Barbie-scale novelty glass to thank. Click here to order yours.

Logically, we now jump from gimmicky DVDs to Play-Doh.

The folks at Play-Doh HQ always cook something up for the holidays, but this is one of their better efforts in recent years. The new Play-Doh “Gift Box” contains a few mini-tubs of you-know-what, along with a dozen molds and cutters to help turn your Play-Doh into nontoxic tributes to Christmas.

I could write endlessly (actually, I have) of my support for mixing classic gifts like Play-Doh into the pile of gifts that kids actually want for Christmas. Swat away the latest video games and technogizmos; this is the only time of year that these old faithfuls can truly shine. In the great book of metaphysical mathematics, one of the most undeniably proven equations is this: Christmas + Play-Doh = Purity. I’m not advising you to give your kid Play-Doh instead of a Zhu Zhu Pet. Just give them some Play-Doh with the stupid thing.

The box makes a big to-do about the inclusion of silver Play-Doh, as if its some rare artifact swiped from the soil of Jupiter’s third moon. Actually, they’ve had silver Play-Doh for years — I covered it back in 2006. I like it, but the glittery appearance makes me hesitant to eat it. I don’t see a point in Play-Doh if I can’t give into that private joy.

Welcome to Christmasland, everyone. Thanks for being here. \m/

Survey: Time to dust off one of our old favorites. In the comments, tell the world: What do you want for Christmas this year? No bullshit answers, please. Be materialistic and merry.

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!