X-Entertainment.com X-Entertainment.com
X-Entertainment buys lobsters from the market and sets them free.

10/14/2009: Milton Bradley’s SPIDER WARS, from 1988!

Very sad to hear that Cap’n Lou Albano died. Some of will remember Albano as the insane pro-wrestling manager with rubber bands all over his face, and others for his stint as you-know-who on The Super Mario Bros. Super Show. In remembrance, here’s an old article I wrote about SMBSS. Incredibly, it’s Halloween-themed!

Spiders seem to be all over this year’s Halloween Countdown. At the risk of being a boring and repetitive cad, we’re going back to the web one more time:

From 1988, it’s Milton Bradley’s SPIDER WARS! Imagine my good fortune to find such an obscure board game in nearly perfect condition at a local yard sale. Considering that this was otherwise one of the worst yard sales in history, with the wares including half-used bottles of calamine lotion and dented up popcorn tins, this was an especially lucky find. I know fate when I see it, so I didn’t even bother to haggle with ‘em on the $3 asking price.

Given that I would’ve been thoroughly within the game’s target audience in 1988, I can’t believe that I’ve never heard of it before. If you’ll allow me to make broad and unchecked statements based on my own personal experiences, Spider Wars is a rare little ditty that didn’t remain in production for very long. I’d say that it was too “high concept,” but that’s a stretch of a description for a game that comes in a box adorned with graphics of spiders in high-top sneakers.

On one hand, I can see why Spider Wars tanked: It’s a pretty dumb game with retarded directions. On the other hand, there are just so few board games that come with an army of neon-legged spider toys.

The two-player game comes with everything above, as well as an oversized instruction manual that features quirky spider art such as this. I’m not sure if there is another game I could compare this to. It’s something like Connect-4 and something like checkers, but it’s definitely not just a “spider version” of either of those games.

The photo above, in all of its oversaturated glory, does not give a proper indication of gameplay. Actually, only the green spiders should be shown on that side of the web. The orange spiders should be on the other side, where the second player would sit. The goal is to knock your opponent’s spiders off the board by poking your own spiders’ legs into where your opponent’s spiders’ legs are. It sounds more confusing than it is.

The spider in the center is what the instruction manual calls a “dangler” — that’s a spider that’s had one its legs knocked out by an opponent. If a player manages to knock both legs out, the spider falls to the floor and is disqualified from the game. Sounds easy, but it really isn’t. Players are only afforded two moves per turn, so it’s easy to get your “dangler” back onto the web before your opponent can move in for the kill.

Since a single game of Spider Wars could conceivably last for seven hundred years otherwise, there’s a second way to win. You can skip past your opponent’s spiders and simply get one of your own spider’s legs into the opposing player’s “nest,” which is represented by a peg hole on the other side of the board. This speeds the game up manifold, but it’s pretty cheap to win just by getting to the other side of the board. True Spider Wars enthusiasts would never stoop so low, so for the sake of brevity, it’s a good thing there are no true Spider Wars enthusiasts.

I’ll give the game this much: It’s a lot harder to win than it looks. The methods of winning are ridiculously simple, sure, but they’re also ridiculously simple for your opponent. Essentially, you’ll only win if the opposing player make a really stupid move. If you don’t want to invest too much time into Spider Wars, play against an idiot.

…or just skip the game altogether, and use the swank spiders for another purpose. Their peglegs make them less than ideal as flat-out toys, but God invented X-Acto knives for a reason.

Spider Wars certainly reflects its era. In 1988 and its surrounding years, there were seemingly hundreds of board games that were light on the gameplay and nuance, but heavy looking like big ass bulky “toys.” Board games never looked as cool as they did during that time, but only some of them were as fun to play as they were to play with, if that makes sense?

Which begs the question: Have you even had a board game that had all the makings of being awesome, even if you never really played it the right way? My #1 would be Mouse Trap. I’ve owned that game at least ten times in my life, and I don’t think I’ve ever played it the right way. Forbidden Bridge would be another one for sure. Never bothered to read the directions on that one, but I sure got a lot of use out of it with my action figures. HOW ABOUT YOU?


Posted by Matt. E-mail me!

Bookmark and Share


Discussion Thread: 192 comments

Thanks Jeff.

Posted by King JLA @ 10/15/2009 9:47 PM EDT


My quest to have an excellent Halloween season is in full swing. The costumes have been ordered. The wife and I are going as 60s Star Trek characters. She is just going to look sexy in the gold one piece dress thing they wear with knee high boots. My plan is to go as a Red Shirt. But I want to be a DEAD Red Shirt. Anybody have any suggestions on make up or good looks to get across the point that my Red Shirt character has been killed off already?

Also, I booked my ticket for Nightmare NYC this weekend. Yes, its a crappy vampire theme but I’ve never gone before so I figured why the hell not.

Posted by BUCKLY! @ 10/15/2009 9:56 PM EDT


I believe it was a media stunt. The family has been on a reality show already, and the kid is in some child band that no one listens too. The sad thing is, when something truely bad happens, I hope we’re not all cynical by then.

Posted by Dann @ 10/15/2009 9:57 PM EDT


I prepare for just that eventuality by getting good and cynical in advance of everything. Thus, I am never taken for the proverbial “ride”.

Balloons indeed. Call me when some towheaded moppet is stolen by cannibal bandits.

Posted by Rev. Back It On Up 13 @ 10/15/2009 10:11 PM EDT


This WIKIPEDIA article may have the most misspellings and non-sensical sentences of any non-vandalized page.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Best_Worst_Movie#Best_Worst_Movie

Posted by The Manimal @ 10/15/2009 10:22 PM EDT


Manimal, the reason why it is so incomprehensible is because the human language does not have the capability to express how awesome Troll 2 is with mere english words.

Posted by velouria_78 @ 10/15/2009 10:51 PM EDT


Anyone remember Rock N Roll maze?

Posted by Scott @ 10/16/2009 12:17 AM EDT


velouria_78 speaks the truth!

Posted by ULTRAMAN @ 10/16/2009 12:44 AM EDT


I’d have to say the one game I remember not playing right as a kid but still enjoying was Monopoly. It just isn’t a kids game, I have never completed a game until recently when I started playing online at pogo.

That isn’t why I’m posting though, my real reason is because that fire island game reminds me alot of a game I got for christmas one year, Tornado Rex. If you’re unfamiliar, you basically move your guys around a big ass plastic 3D canyonesque board, until one lands on a certain spot. Upon landing on the certain spot you get to release the already wound up titular character who spins wildly around the board with a loud whistling sound and sending characters flying!

It sounds much more awesome than it is, most of the time he would just get stuck in the large crack between the 2 parts that made up the board and either a) do nothing or b) hit with such force that it knocked everyone’s fucking character down and you pretty much had to restart the game. Ah, memories. You should do an update on it if you’ve never played, it’s a little after your kiddy board game playing days were probably over. I was gonna say it probably wouldn’t be expensive but the only complete one with a BIN option on ebay is $85. Yet another toy e-bay makes me beat myself over the head with a hammer for ever opening and not just hoarding away for the future. I’d be so rich now if I saved them all…

Posted by Trampus @ 10/16/2009 1:03 AM EDT


The Pirate game sounds like a perfect example of a crap game I would love as a kid because of the awsome gimmick factor. There was an awesome game called “Isolation”, I think? It was about pushing yellow squares through a black grid while moving a piece around and trying to make your opponents piece stuck by itself. I described that like a jackass. Anyway, if anyone saw that game, say something so I know I’m not the only one who played it.

Also, that quicksand game with the multiple character pieces was great. I had entirely erased it from my mind.

Posted by Jack Stray @ 10/16/2009 1:42 AM EDT


I found Chocolate flavored cat shaped Peeps at the 99cents store which pretty much made my day…until I saw the TV ad for the new Obama Chia Pet.

Posted by stina @ 10/16/2009 4:39 AM EDT


–>> Cap’n Lou’s death set me up and totally had me exceedingly upset and very sad all day.

god -

Posted by tOkKa @ 10/16/2009 5:18 AM EDT


–>> .. o and i thought Entomologists were “Spider enthusiasts” ..

Posted by tOkKa @ 10/16/2009 5:23 AM EDT


T.G.I.F. everyone!Is anyone else awake?Jeez.Anywayz…Over in the ass end of my county(in beautiful upstate NY)they got a inch and a half of that pesky,cold white stuff.It’s usually 20-30 degrees when I leave to go work.And I’m definately not dreaming of a white Halloween.

Posted by Jason @ 10/16/2009 9:05 AM EDT


Jason, where in Upstate NY are you? I didn’t have snow in my neck of the woods this morning… thank god.

Posted by Starsmudge @ 10/16/2009 9:43 AM EDT


Starsmudge-I live in a little town called Central Bridge in Schoharie.It’s about 40 minutes west of Albany.I’m guessing your in the upstate NY area as well.Where are you at?

Posted by Jason @ 10/16/2009 9:48 AM EDT


BUCKLY! – Maybe you could cover two genres, and go as a zombie red shirt. =)

Posted by Jay Firestorm @ 10/16/2009 10:15 AM EDT


Buckly, you might be upstaged by a Red Shirt and a really old Smokey the Bear.

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2009/09/11/old-smokey/

Posted by Bill @ 10/16/2009 11:54 AM EDT


Rev, that breakup story is both pitiful and hilarious…a fruit basket?!? WTF?

This seems relevant to this thread: “I feel like all board games could have the same name…which one of my friends is a competitive asshole? Tonight we played ‘Steve.’”

Attention! You need to check out these links!
First, a list of spooky spots in the U.S.: http://www.digitalcity.com/2009/10/15/unexplained-happenings-on-americas-creepiest-roads/?icid=main|htmlws-main|dl5|link3|http%3A%2F%2Fwww.digitalcity.com%2F2009%2F10%2F15%2Funexplained-happenings-on-americas-creepiest-roads%2F

Second, a first look at TMNT: Turtles Forever! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iqbjIrMznBA

Posted by Teddy Ray @ 10/16/2009 1:25 PM EDT


Totally off topic.Did anyone know that Ecto Cooler came in cans similar to Red Bull cans?I would love to have one.Being that it’s not carbonated,you could keep the liquid in there forever and not worry about the can getting all distorted. :)

Posted by Jason @ 10/16/2009 1:55 PM EDT


I would say, Buckly, that if you are serious about being a dead redshirt- a deadshirt, if you will- that you need to have a giant scorch mark right in the middle of your chest. Some blue veins popping out of your face wouldn’t hurt, either.

Posted by Anonymous @ 10/16/2009 2:51 PM EDT


Anonymous – That was my original plan. Any suggestions for the best way to make a scorch mark? Unfortunately I think it means ruining the shirt.

Posted by BUCKLY! @ 10/16/2009 3:02 PM EDT


I got this game as a birthday present when i was about 8. i think i played it the first day and thats it. I love getting reminded about this stuff.

Posted by Mikey @ 10/16/2009 3:02 PM EDT


Sorry Buckly, that was me. What I would suggest is finding a water soluble black powder makeup that you can brush into the shirt. You could even test it by brushing some into a corner on the inside of the shirt and washing it to see if it comes out.

Posted by Rhino @ 10/16/2009 3:20 PM EDT


I read on the first or second page of comments for this post about a TMNT game where you had a skyscraper column that you dropped the turtles into and they came out the bottom into the “sewers” or what have you and I was in Walmart earlier today and came across this game that looks very very similar to that one…

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v40/delkon/?action=view&current=10-16-09_0232.jpg

and

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v40/delkon/?action=view&current=10-16-09_0233.jpg

Posted by Delkon @ 10/16/2009 5:16 PM EDT


omg remember Sweet Valley High the game???? I LOvED that game!!!! “our school is so cool! you can be a sweet valley girl, livin in a sweet valley world playing sweet valley high!”

Posted by mandy_Reeves @ 10/16/2009 6:15 PM EDT


The one game I pined for when I was a kid was Torpedo Run. It was an absolutely huge game that you set up battle ships on and launched plastic disks at your enemies ships to “blow” them up. I actually got it for Christmas and think I played it maybe twice. It was a pain in the butt to set up and getting the ships to stay in place due to the rubber bands. I feel bad about it now because I’m sure it was a pretty pricey game at the time and I was an ungrateful little bastard after I got it.
http://www.boardgamegeek.com/image/131868

Posted by Dan H @ 10/16/2009 6:29 PM EDT


How about some more of them die-o-ramas,Matt?

Posted by Jason @ 10/16/2009 7:17 PM EDT


Lots of great Halloween movis and shows on tonight! Bravo…Bravo Channel.

Posted by Bill @ 10/16/2009 8:17 PM EDT


If anyone is bored and wants to kill a little time, here’s something for you to do:
http://www.hotel626.com/

Fun game and appropriate for the season.

Posted by DarkSideofBrightness @ 10/16/2009 9:34 PM EDT


Where are you all when I’ve been drinking? You all should have come over, I made pie!!!

Nevermore.

Posted by Rev. Back It On Up 13 @ 10/16/2009 9:59 PM EDT


Aw, dag yo. We left drunken Rev hanging. :(
And she had pie too!

Posted by Bill @ 10/17/2009 12:13 AM EDT


Rev
Maybe we’re all figments of your imagination?

What kind of pie, though?

Mmm….Pie.

Is there….Is there balm in Gilead?

Posted by Cameron T. @ 10/17/2009 12:29 AM EDT


Okay so I guess there was at least one movie left in this world that could scare me. I finished watching John Carpenter’s The Thing with my husband and now I can’t sleep. Just…ughhhh.

Posted by Annette @ 10/17/2009 6:02 AM EDT


Matt you NEED to do an article on this!!!: http://bodiestheexhibition.com

omg omg….I’m planning on going Nov 7th through a college sponsored trip. This is that exhibit with all the cadavers in the weird poses, and you can like go right up and look at the exposed inner human body and touch real live dead peoples hearts…like touch a heart that had a heart attack or cancer or some weird plauge…

Its at South Street Seaport.

Posted by mandy_Reeves @ 10/17/2009 12:03 PM EDT


So…nobody cared about the Turtles Forever clip? I figured y’all would be excited about it…I know I was.

Oh well, here’s some creepy as hell pictures I stumbled across on Fark yesterday… http://www.joshuahoffine.com/#a=0&at=0&mi=2&pt=1&pi=10000&s=0&p=0

Posted by Teddy Ray @ 10/17/2009 1:47 PM EDT


I HAD THIS GAME!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVEN’T SEEN THIS IN YEARS!!!!!!! THANK YOU X-ENTERTAINMENT FOR BRINGING BACK SUCH HAPPY HAPPY.

Posted by MiketheGreat @ 10/17/2009 1:50 PM EDT


The Bodies Exhibit is really cool. I went to the South Street Seaport one a long time ago and to the one in Ft. Lauderdale about two years ago. There was a specific body showing the intricacies of the circulatory system which utterly blew my mind.

Posted by Tryclyde @ 10/17/2009 3:39 PM EDT


Jason, Ahh I see! I live in Syracuse, we’re about 3 hours apart. Crizzazy!

Posted by Starsmudge @ 10/18/2009 1:32 AM EDT


I still have Spider Wars. It’s one of the few old board games I took with me when I moved away from my mum’s house, mostly because it was Halloweeny enough to double as a decoration if I ever felt the need. Which is why I adore the fact that you’d put it up on the Halloween Countdown.
Acrobats was another one like that but the plastic bats were so small many of them have been lost.
As far as cool board games, It from the Pit was a great toy but I never played it the way it was meant to be played. Cold Turkey looked like it would give my life meaning but it turns out it was terrible. Only Tornado Rex can truly stand out as an amazing game and an amazing toy. It’s also one of the few I kept.

Posted by Lucky @ 10/19/2009 2:24 PM EDT


I vaguely remember playing Dream Phone with some of my older, more sophisticated friends. It has this big ass cordles phone that resembled the one Zack Morris would pull out in early episodes of Saved By The Bell. I have no idea what that game was all about. Based on the title, I’d like to think it was where girls called their subconsciouses.

Posted by Farmer Waltz @ 10/21/2009 11:58 PM EDT


Add A New Comment!




9/5: Halloween Chips Ahoy!
9/7: Monsters Pop-Up Book!
9/9: Dots Halloween Mix!
9/11: Spooky Dollar Store Finds!
9/12: Shoebox Die-O-Rama Contest!
9/16: Halloween Slinky & Other Stuf!
9/18: Chucky: Pro-Wrestling Superstar!
9/19: Cap'n Crunch's Halloween Crunch!
9/21: LIFE-SIZED ELECTRO JASON!!!
9/22: The Snoopy O' Lantern!
9/24: Blood Bag: The Candy!
9/26: Halloween Velvet Treats!
9/27: Fucking Enormous Fake Spider!
9/30: The Trix Cereal O' Lantern!
10/2: Halloween Cocktail Recipe!
10/5: Vintage Freddy Krueger Toys!
10/6: Halloween Window Silhouettes!
10/8: Madballs & Halloween Popcorn!
10/9: Shoebox Die-O-Rama Contest Results!
10/10: Frito-Lay's Haunted Snack Mansion!
10/12: The NY Aquarium's Haunted Sea-Fari!
10/14: Milton Bradley's "Spider Wars" from '88!
10/17: Color-Changing Spooky Cheetos!
10/24: Scary Charlie Brown Toys & More!
10/26: Halloween Mood DVDs Mega-Review!
10/27: Crazy Light-Up Clown Mask!
10/30: The "Ghost Finders" Haunted Camera!
10/31: Happy Halloween!
2003 HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN!
2004 HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN!
2005 HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN!
2006 HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN!
2007 HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN!
2008 HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN!
2010 HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN!