I decided to be social this weekend, hence, no posts. Remedy: New post now. I: succinct.

By the very late '80s, a mix of goofy one-liners, pop songs and Nintendo references turned Freddy Krueger into something, dare we say, child-friendly. And it showed in the merchandise. Nearly every horror icon has been immortalized with some kind of toy, but most of those things were really meant for the older crowd. Not so with Freddy. He actually had toys that were marketed to kids!

LJN, a company perhaps best known for its Thundercats collection, snagged the license and put forth a ton of Freddy-related dolls and playthings. I've already covered their official Freddy Figure, as well as an odd thing known only as a Freddy Spitball. Today, a third relic from LJN's attempt to make Freddy as benign as Barbie finds its way onto X-E: The Freddy Squish'Em!

Gotta love the Freddy Krueger promo shot that LJN used on the packaging. This is a more gregarious and inviting Freddy, complete with presidential smile and #FF0000 outer glow.

The idea with the Freddy Squish'Em was that it'd revert to its normal shape no matter what you did to it. You could twist, bend and crush him, and Freddy would pop right back into his original crazy position. I'm not completely sure what LJN was trying to convey with Freddy's pose, but I feel like I'm being solicited to bet on a curbside round of Three-Card Monte.

The lame gimmick of "does not break when you throw it" notwithstanding, this Freddy Squish'Em was at least a cool way to spice up a kid's bedroom display shelves. Baseball trophies and ceramic Rose Tea animals could've only sparked so many conversations when friends came over, but Freddy was a guaranteed icebreaker.

I worry about this new Elm Street movie. I worry that it's going to give the next generation the impression that Freddy cannot temper his desire to kill small children with his desire to just hang out and shoot the shit. It's easy to forget a time when Freddy was our buddy, but this foam figurine reminds us. So long as you rooted for him, Freddy was on your side.

Freddy was also a yo-yo.

Also from 1989, it's Spectra Star's official Freddy Krueger Yo-Yo! Freddy was just one in a huge assortment of franchises given the yo-yo treatment, ranging from Gumby to Garfield. It'd be hard to argue that Freddy hadn't become a kid-targeted character considering the company he kept in this weird yo-yo collection. When you're shortpacked in a shipping box full of Donald Ducks and Super Marios, you've kinda lost your adults-only edge.

You'll notice that Spectra Star added a string graphic over Freddy's glove, to insinuate that he was actually playing with the yo-yo. Thank God Freddy isn't real, because he never would've signed off on that.

The shame of being a yo-yo is clearly etched onto Freddy's face. It's almost as if he's trying to shield himself from our judgmental view. Freddy is in complete and total disbelief that he has become a yo-yo, or maybe that's just what he wanted us to think? It could've been a face-saving measure, because no one who is a yo-yo can also be the object of our gravest nightmares.

How much did Spectra Star pay you, Fred? Was it worth being the laughing stock of Hell?