The Trix O’Lantern!

Oof. This hasn’t been my favorite week. I want to turn this week into a person and beat it up.

All of your Spooky Die-O-Rama entries have been received, and they are amazing. Seriously, WOW. I’ll be working on choosing winners and showing off everyone’s entries this weekend. Thanks so much to everyone who entered, and stay tuned for another Halloween contest!

Stay tuned? Hrm.

Though lacking the intense production value seen with Halloween Crunch, General Mills has unleashed its own collection of Halloween cereals. (APPLAUSE.)

The problem: The “theming” doesn’t go much further than the box art, and you have to kinda squint to notice that the boxes are Halloweeny at all. It’s as if General Mills was contractually obligated to Halloweenize certain cereal brands, but didn’t really want to.

Couldn’t they have put a bit more into this? A limited edition “Orange and Blackberry” Trix comes to mind. Don’t they care about negative reviews on idiot blogs? Surely the multimillion dollar expense of producing and marketing a wholly new type of Trix would’ve been well worth it to avoid comments like “FUCK YOU, RABBIT” on errant websites written by old people.

But even a half-assed Halloween Trix isn’t without its macabre merits…

The back panel features a cutout “Trix O’Lantern” pattern, thus enabling us to achieve our collective lifelong dream of carving a company-approved likeness of the Trix Rabbit’s head into the side of a pumpkin. Now all we have to do is win the lottery and shoot hoops with the guy who played Samson on Carnivale.

It’s a bogus bonus, but it’s better than nothing. Given that it’s the cheapest possible “special feature” that General Mills could’ve included, the cynic in me wondered if they even expected anyone to bother with this. Surely, no board meeting full of creative execs would’ve unanimously agreed that customers be lining up for a shot at making a Trix Rabbit pumpkin.

I had to know for sure. Was this a real jack o’ lantern pattern, or just some lazily designed bullshit that looked reasonable enough to pass as one? Fortunately for us all, the supermarket where I found this Trix also dabbles in being a crappy pumpkin patch.

Creating a Trix O’Lantern was the most infuriating thing I’ve ever done. I’m not so great with pumpkin carving patterns in general, but this was a whole new breed of pain and suffering. I mentioned earlier that I was having a shitty week, but even with those assorted stresses, nothing put me on the verge of tears. That didn’t happen until I decided to carve the fucking Trix Rabbit’s head into a pumpkin. Now I am bantha fodder.

The process begins by cutting the pattern off the box’s back panel. Easy enough, but that’s where the “easy” ends. Your next step involves cutting out the Rabbit’s eyes, nose, ears and so forth, with no clear method of doing so without cutting portions of the pattern that you’re not supposed to cut. One false move and you’ll completely destroy the pattern. This was akin to the most dramatic “WHICH WIRE DO I CUT TO STOP THE BOMB” movie scene in Hollywood history, only without the neat soundtrack.

It gets worse.

If you’re successful at the scissors portion of our game, you then have to somehow attach the pattern to a pumpkin and trace in your future “carving lines.” If I may quote Oswald Cobblepot: “A little patience, and a lotta tape.” If I may quote Oswald twice: “French flipper trick.”

Granted, I would’ve had an easier time had I traced the Rabbit’s facial structure onto a more malleable canvas and used that to get the pattern onto the pumpkin, but seriously, you’re in such a mental sea of shit when you’re making this thing, it’s not like your mind is rife with initiative and forward-thinking.

I traced on the carving lines as best I could, and prepared for the kind of fruit-cutting joys that cantaloupes only wish they could provide. Braving the foul stench of pumpkin guts and my assorted issues with touching said guts, I cut, I sliced and I scooped.

By some miracle of God, my finished Trix O’Lantern really didn’t look too bad. I don’t suspect that I’ll win any contests with this pumpkin, unless I devise one myself and disallow anyone else from entering. On the other hand, it does sort of look like the Trix Rabbit. In more artful hands, perhaps this pattern could be a winner after all.

I’m not sure why I chose Trix over the three other General Mills cereals with mascot pumpkin patterns, which are all a bit cooler than this one. The Cookie Crisp wolf dude is especially desirable, because he’s so blah and unpopular that you wouldn’t necessarily have to let people know that you’ve been getting jack o’ lantern ideas off of cereal boxes. To most, that’d just look like any random, normal, smiling wolf. With a Trix O’Lantern, I’m pretty much branding myself as an asshole without room for rebuttal.

Visceral Verdict, Ah Ah Ah: I can’t complain about a cereal box that gave me hours worth of enjoyment and screaming, but I would’ve been much more satisfied with a two-pack of bat stickers free inside. I would pretend they were bat lovers.

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119 Responses to The Trix O’Lantern!

  1. Stephanie says:

    drew do: When I was in elementary school I LOVED In a Dark Dark Room (if it’s the book I’m thinking of). Is that the book of short stories, one of which is about a woman who wears a green ribbon around her neck her whole life? Then when she’s old and on her deathbed, she tells her husband he can take her ribbon off to see why she wore it her whole life. Then he unties the ribbon and her head falls off.

    If it’s the book I’m thinking of, we loved that book in elementary school. It’s the one book I can remember where there was constantly a list of kids waiting to check it out.

  2. drew do says:

    Stephanie: That is totally the book I am thinking of. I bought it as a kid from the Scholastic book orders. Do they still send those home? I hope so, I used to love getting books from them.

  3. Yuan Jing says:

    Now my appearance and it is everything which today is praised. I behave haughtily in behavior of the small-numbered member. I being a value and thinking to obtain the magic 8 sphere and 2 liters of the drink.

    Presumption of the ham makes the best of state, but meaning is not pressed.

  4. tanta07 says:

    Aw, Yuan Jing, you’re just being humble. I’m sure your member isn’t small-numbered.

  5. Ariel says:

    Ohh, I loved that book, too. I once made a short animation based on the green ribbon story. 😀

  6. Matt says:

    Sorry for the slow post rate this week, everyone. Work’s been hardcore. But the weekend fast approaches!

  7. drew do says:

    No worries Matt, October just began after all!

  8. Ricky says:

    No worries! I’m stoked to see the contest winners! Will you be posting runner-ups and honorable mentions?

    I’m going to hit a haunted house this weekend! Cincinnati people – who wants to go to the USS Nightmare!?

  9. drew do says:

    Speaking of haunted houses anyone know a good one in Cleveland? I will be there in the next few weeks and want to hit one up.

  10. Nickelodeon says:

    Halloween Haunt begins tonight at Canada’s Wonderland! Sweet!

    Such an awesome event.

  11. ericnrosesmom says:

    Anyone ever been to Scream Park in Niles, Mich? I haven’t but my hubby says it’s great. We hope to check it out some weekend this month.

  12. DJ D says:

    Just got back from Target. Nice to finally see that they’re in full Halloween swing. They’ve got some really rad stuff this time around. For some reason one of my favorite things they get every year is the plates. They have the coolest kitchen crap–plates, cups, etc. As I’m typing this I’m sipping from a groovy skull cup that I got last year.

    Hoverbored: I saw the Oreos while I was there, but I actually got a pack of them a few weeks ago at a grocery store. I think they’ve been out for a little while now.

    tanta07: I’ve still got my Batman piggy bank from that cereal. I think I might be buried with it.

    I think I’m going through some changes here. For one, the pages have grown on me. I resisted it at first and didn’t care for it, but I kind of like it now. For another, I think I’m really starting to understand Yuan Jing. I fear it will eventually drive me to the brink of madness.

  13. Amy says:

    Wow…I get sick and miss a few days and look what happens? Either I drank too much Nyquil and have amnesia, or there’s another Amy in the world of x-e. I don’t remember commenting about the giant spider…did I? No, no I didn’t. That makes me sad.

    And despite the drugs I know I saw a nork, and that is awesome. Can we get some others to come back? YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

    I already told dj, but last night at Dollar General, I found strings of skull lights that play the theme from Halloween. Only $10 each, and I put them back. I’ve no one to blame but myself. I’ve been called an idiot.

  14. guidedbyvenkman says:

    if anyone cares, they have quite a selection of Halloween-themed books at Barnes and Noble, mostly in the bargain section. yes, i work there, but it’s not a plug for any reason besides helping my fellow X-E’rs enjoy some cheap Halloween Origami instructional books.

  15. mandy_Reeves says:

    is this Tim Curry in the second Halloween Jukebox song

    I’m pissed since my hubby won’t take me to Rocky Horror tomorrow night. I have seen the movie a lot on tv, but not in the theater but I do know what goes on.

    Oh well…maybe next week

  16. yelinna says:

    Drew do: you’re right, October is just getting started! We have an entire month of fun yet!!

  17. Mother Thing says:

    Ariel– I’d love to see the animation of the green ribbon story, if you still have it and can post it anywhere. I remember that story vividly.

  18. Chris says:

    Hey, just a reminder to everyone that the DVD of “Trick r Treat” is out tommorow. It is supposedly the best Halloween film made in a long time, but the release has been delayed by like 3 years.

    If you really love Halloween this is a DVD to get. For those of us that have been waiting for this film for awhile tommorow is a big day!

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