Along came a giant fake spider.

My love/hate relationship with spiders is legendary. I must have at least three dozen books about spiders, ranging from grade school picture books to five-pound encyclopedias. I read about them constantly, and they fascinate me.

And yet, I’m an arachnophobe. Not one of those especially crazy arachnophobes who belt out operatic high notes at the sight of the smallest spider, but if they catch me by surprise, I flip. I’m completely aware of how ridiculous this is, as 99% of the time, the spiders I’ve encountered could not possibly harm me, and of all the tiny monsters we correctly and incorrectly classify with the “bug” banner, spiders are the ones who really couldn’t care less about what I’m doing.

Why are so many of us afraid of spiders? According to articles like this, we might be able to blame evolution: A reflexive fear of spiders etched into our souls in response to our ancestors having to deal with the venomous beasts and their naughty bites. If that’s true, I feel better. I only become a five-year-old girl in the presence of spiders because my great great great great great great great great great grandfather used to get his ass chewed off by them.

Whatever the reason, spiders have become a symbol of Halloween. They’re as synonymous with this time of year as bats, witches, and any of the other things that share shapes with the Wilton mail-order catalog’s current collection of cookie cutters. In fact, arachnids have become so closely associated with Halloween that retailers can successively sucker us into spending thirty bucks on giant, fake spiders.

That’s why I’m here!

Man. I love those Spirit stores, but their prices are insane, and not in the cool Crazy Eddie way. I don’t know how I let myself purchase their giant “Hairy Spider” with its ridiculous price tag of thirty bucks, but rest assured, it’s way too much money to be spending on a fake spider, even considering its enormous souped-up pipecleaner legs.

They can only get away with a price like that because it’s so early in the season. By the end of October, it wouldn’t shock me to see these going for a lot less. (And after Halloween? Forget it — they’ll let you walk out of the store with one just for asking politely.)

I can’t recommend the “Hairy Spider” at this price, but don’t take that to mean that it isn’t a quality item. It is. The fuzzy fur is top notch, and it has the cutest little alien cranberry eyes. Oh, and did I mention that its leg span is eight feet? Yeah, there’s also that.

(click here to see the above photo, supersized!)

The legs are posable, and with a little work, the end results are pretty impressive. Interestingly, the size of the spider marks it as an outdoors-only item, but there’s no way you could leave him outside: The fur would get ruined and he’d fall apart. So, if you’re somehow okay with the price, you’re going to be in the odd position of needing to find a spot in your house for an eight foot fake spider. I’m used to problems like these, but for the rest of the planet, it could be a dealbreaker.

The bendable whatevers underneath the spider’s leg fur are pretty strong, and you can effectively pose the thing in any way you see fit. (This is much cooler than the usual gamut of faux spiders, who have zero ability to do anything but lie flat on the floor.) Actually, the more I look at the pictures and write about the spider, the more that ridiculous price tag starts to seem not so ridiculous. On the other hand, I’m an eternal sucker for anything with cranberries for eyes.

Not bad, but you may want to wait for the post-season sales.

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184 Responses to Along came a giant fake spider.

  1. AIF says:

    Thank you Rhino! You possess many much awesomeness.

  2. Shawn says:

    Price tag IS ridiculous, as I bought the same thing for $3 last year. My cat likes to chew on it.

  3. Jeff says:

    That is the Best halloween thing I have ever seen EVER> I have to have one, but we do not get such good stuff here in Australia.

    If I could get one, I would mount it on my car permanently

  4. Emily says:

    Giant spider power
    Scared the crap out of me
    I kind of want one to hide in my garage to scare whoever dares go in

  5. Hexenmeister says:

    Hate to break it to you, Matt, but I just got back from Walgreens and saw this same spider (4-foot leg spread, cranberry eyes, more or less pose-able) for $9.99.

  6. The Adamanitum Elbow says:

    I wanna pet the giant fake spider.

  7. Noo-Noo says:

    ;o giant spider on dapper cadaver is like $60. I need ‘body parts bowling set’ in my life :(

  8. Casey says:

    I had no idea evolution addressed metaphysical things like our souls.

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