It was a moment of weakness, or something.
This past Friday, on a tip from a reader named Shawn, I drove to the nearest K-Mart on a simple mission: Find a box of Halloween Crunch cereal.
Well, obviously, I found it. That was my sole reason for venturing into the foreboding home of the ICEE, but since I was already there, I figured I’d check out K-Mart’s multi-aisle Halloween section. Mainly because I didn’t want to approach the register wheeling a shopping cart that had nothing but one box of Cap’n Crunch in it.
Disregarding the usual assortment of boring masks and candy mixes, I found a bunch of stuff that was definitely review-worthy. (And even more that wasn’t, but I still wanted it all.) I refused to let a simple trip to find Cap’n Crunch grow into an enormous shopping spree, so I attempted to be choosier than usual.
But then I saw this:
…and I came home 200 bucks poorer.
Yes folks, I did it. I really did it. I bought the life-sized motion activated audio-animatronic Jason Voorhees robot thing. I seriously did.
It was the only one K-Mart had, and it sat rather ominously at the back of an aisle, seemingly disconnected from the other spooky wares. It was my own Big/Zoltar moment.
I’ve seen this “decoration” before, but only online or in dedicated all-out Halloween stores. While it’s true that I’ve flirted with the idea of purchasing this in years past, I never once thought I’d actually go through with it. Something about seeing one lone audio-animatronic Jason Voorhees in the back of K-Mart changed all of that. I had to save him.
It wasn’t an easy decision, nor a fast one. At first, I was only going to snap a picture of the beast with my phone’s camera, thinking I’d just mention it on the site in passing. I continued shopping, looking for far less extravagant items…but my eyes kept darting back to that giant box. Finally, I found myself standing in front of it, entranced, cooly calculating the pros and cons.
And there were plenty of cons. Two hundred bucks for a Halloween decoration? Con. The idea that I’d have to find a place for a life-sized audio-animatronic Jason Voorhees to stand in our apartment for all of time? Con. The knowledge that I was in K-Mart alone, and was readying myself to wheel a shopping cart with THAT GIANT JASON BOX out of the sanctity of the Halloween aisles and into the “regular” part of the store? Con. Hell, I wasn’t even sure that I’d be able to fit this thing in my car.
But cons lose their punch when they’re up against a pro like this: If I did buy a life-sized motion activated audio-animatronic Jason Voorhees…then I’d own a life-sized motion activated audio-animatronic Jason Voorhees. Mustering the strength of Thor, I heaved the gigantic box up, placed it in the shopping cart as best I could, and pushed forward.
And now, here I am. With a new roommate.
I’ll give you a moment to soak him in.
My new Jason is, without a doubt, the greatest thing ever made. He’s absolutely unreal. He is art. The box only promised that Jason would be six feet tall, but in reality, he’s closer to seven feet. He’s tall enough to make me feel like I’m playing Grover Dill to his Scut Farkus. And check out those film-faithful details!
The tattered jacket!
The gloves!
The removable machete accessory!
AHHHHHHHHHH!
How is such majesty possible, you ask? Well, Jason’s pants hide the fact that his legs are mainly composed of springs. Before you pop him to maximum height, he’s actually a lot shorter. (Not that there’s much “assembly required” — you simply yank Jason up to his full height, screw on his head, and viola! You’re Dr. Frankenstein!)
I’m sitting here in complete and total disbelief that Jason is standing in my living room right now. I’m also sitting here in total fear, but not of Jason. My girlfriend has been out of town for a few days. She has absolutely no idea that I bought this, much less that I bought this and decided to camp it out in our living room. She gets home tomorrow. I may need one of you to let me move in.
Now, I admit that the clothes are a little on the cheap side. Jason’s pants and shirt are especially flimsy, and the gloves look more like casual Isotoners than something a legendary slasher would wear. And as for the jacket — the material is of good quality, but the assorted rips and tears (added for that “weathered look”) are so overblown and obvious, it’s like Jason was one of those kids in high school who used kitchen shears to put knee-holes in their Levis. But these minor grievances are all forgiven once you get to the most important part of the spread: Jason’s head.
I expected the mask to be permanently affixed to Jason’s skull, with only minor detailing to the visible parts of his skin. No sir. The mask is removable, and the head is AWESOME. As I’ve described before, the appearance of Jason’s head varied from film to film. I’d say that this one most closely resembles his look in Part IV, which has long been my favorite. Monstrous, but still with enough human qualities to be extra creepy. (On the other hand, the head could also be based on Jason’s appearance in the new F13 movie — but that’s so boring.)
Also: If I’m playing Grover to Jason’s Scut…YELLOW EYES! Everything is coming together so perfectly!
But wait! It gets better!
Two hundred bucks is a fair price for me to have a life-sized Jason statue standing in my living room, no doubt. But Jason doesn’t just stand there. He moves and grooves! He’s audio-animatronic! Plug him in, set the sensor and stand back!
Using a motion sensor, Jason will come alive and attack anyone stupid enough to walk too close, with some Alley Cat-esque stabbing motions. You won’t be able to notice it in the video, but his eyes actually move!
All the while, Jason’s “ch ch ch” theme plays, mixed with what’s either a victim’s screams or random “steel clang” horror noises.
Oh, the possibilities. Come October 1st, I’ll position Jason to look straight out our front window, where he’ll spend the month tormenting the little kids across the street. Perhaps he will spend November doing the same. In December, I’ll just add a Santa cap.
That’s the tricky thing about owning a life-sized motion activated audio-animatronic Jason Voorhees. It’s not like you can just put him away when you’re done. No, Jason is now a permanent fixture. He’s here to stay.
I am going to be in so much trouble when she gets home tomorrow. 
Posted by Matt. E-mail me!
Ghosted by 
HANNIBAL?!?
This is like a dream come true. My personal motto is WWHLD? And now I know what he would do. He would stand in my bedroom, modelling my hats.
If only my dog wouldn’t bark at him, day and night.