I’ve been waiting for this week to end for seven years. Ahhh, Friday night. Finally. There are few things finer than a stormy autumn Friday night, especially when it isn’t really autumn. Rain, dead leaves, Newcastles and the pitter patter of young children being torn apart with heretic’s forks. Ahhh, Friday night. Makes me want to do some poor graphic design.
More interesting than the words on X-E are the adventures that bring them to you. In my many years questing for article-worthy holiday goods (known as “reviewables” to me and mine), I’ve become a seasonal fixture at every department, toy, doodad and grocery store in the Tri-State area. Finding these “reviewables” is rarely the byproduct of a normal shopping trip. No, I’ve actually driven over an hour and a half away specifically to find a rumored new Cheetos flavor.
Some of the trips are simple and benign. Others are pure entertainment, with your socially anxious host desperately trying to make it look like his shopping wagons full of X-E materials are for some kid’s birthday party. (I’ve gone as far as carrying forged shopping lists around in Wal-Mart, and sometimes, I even pretend to have phone conversations about whether I’m getting a nonexistent child “the right toy.”)
The point is, I’ve become very experienced in what these stores carry, and as far as holiday stuff goes, dollar stores are rarely a “hit.” They have their holiday sections, sure, but the junk is rarely good enough to celebrate. (Nor bad enough to hilariously complain about.) The items are just…there. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve written about plenty of “reviewable” dollar store things over the years, but they were exceptions to the rule.
Well, whether you want to credit the shitty economy or a globally beneficial genie wish, 2009 is the year that brings change. On my last visit to the Dollar Tree, I couldn’t believe how much good Halloween stuff was on sale. No longer was I pawing through three aisles of generic spooky pops and pumpkin-themed paper garland to possibly/maybe find one item halfway worth talking about. Instead, this time, I actually got too much incredible stuff to possibly fit in a single post! Hyperbole!!
Three shopping bags and an eight dollar bridge toll later, and here I am, armed and ready. Below are three of my favorite Dollar Tree Halloween finds. More to come.
BLOOD PLAQUES: The tags on these calls them “Blood Plaques” — it isn’t something I came up with independently in a moment of brilliance. The flimsy plastic wall-hangings are just the things every home needs to look scary and impoverished simultaneously. They’re on the cheap side in terms of construction and overall quality, but this to be expected when your decorating budget is two dollars.
This isn’t the first time I’ve seen Halloween plaques on sale at dollar stores, but it’s definitely the first time I’ve seen ones worth picking up. Usually, the plaques feature inoffensive smiling witches, non-threatening Frankensteins, and other forms of toddler-targeted nonsense that totally wouldn’t gel with my sophisticated palate. These plaques have some edge to ‘em.
On top, we have the “Butcher Shop” plaque. With its giant bloody meat cleaver and severed fingers, this plaque masters of the art of subtlety. At bottom, the much cooler “Beware Of Zombies” plaque includes a sneaky creature who looks a bit like Freddy Krueger. Well, if you squint. Really hard. Actually, he looks nothing like Freddy Krueger. I just want Google hits for “a bit like Freddy Krueger.”
SKULL REPLICA: There’s something not entirely human about this skull replica. Something about the nasal area. I’m not sure what it is. It’s flimsy as fuck and I could crush it with one hand, but I consider this a plus. There are so few Halloween decorations that make me feel powerful.
Though anatomically decent enough to pass as a human skull replica, it’s a bit on the small side. It would be extremely crass for Dollar Tree to sell replicas of baby human skulls, but the ruler never lies.
Added bonus: Considering the huge plastic glue-line running down the center of the skull, I’m pretty sure I could crack this baby and have a pair of half-skull candy dishes. If so, it would mean that I’d have gotten half-skull candy dishes for 50 cents each. At last, math works in Matt’s favor.
MONSTER TABLE TOPPERS: Oooh, I really like these. They’re packaged flat-and-folded and look totally useless that way, so I’m very happy that I didn’t skip them for a less-amazing item that just happened to appear two inches thicker in the store.
There were several monster table toppers available, but I’m confident that I picked the best of the bunch: A vampire and a mummy. The neat thing is that you get to position the arms yourself, opening limitless possibilities of Halloween-related comedy: Vampires in “ouch this goddamn headache” poses, Watusi Mummies, so on and so forth.
All in all, Dollar Tree did not disappoint. As much as I love the idea that Halloween’s grown important enough to warrant spending hundreds of dollars on high-tech lawn props and resin statues, it’s also nice to find serviceable spookyware for less than the cost of a large soda.
Come back tomorrow for details on X-E’s first (and possibly last) Halloween Contest of the 2009 season, a jukebox that’s twice as long as it is now, and my personal collection of alchemy cheats.
NOTE: The comments field has gone missing; blame ghosts. It could take until the end of the weekend to get this corrected, so for now, please converscribble using the previous entry. Sorry for the snafu. :/
Posted by Matt. E-mail me!
